I am constantly seeking new ways to prove I am utterly unique and no one can even begin to keep up with my amazingness, and my most recent way was to do an experiment. I thought it would be a laugh, and now I am stuck paying some stupid amount of money every month all for my funny experiment because I thought it would make a great blog if I joined E-Harmony and posted about how no one matches with me.
I am adding a caveat because I had a friend read this first, and she said it will make people sad for me. So I want to say, I know that I have a hard time thinking like most of you, but remember that most of you probably do not think like me – so this stuff does not make me sad, I really and truly do not want to date and I like to limit the number of people I interact with. That being said….
What actually turned out even more funny are the people they tried to match with me. I was completely 100% honestly myself in my profile, I provided many pictures and did everything just as they old me to. I did not want this to be funny because I made it fake, the whole point is to prove that NO ONE can match my level of awesome.
As you can imagine, my profile features my love of animals, books and theater, Green Day, Joshua Bell and saints; it is very clear that I like to be indoors at all times and there is no question that I appreciate Netflix.
I have been matched with men in full camo hunting gear; guys who drive, like, dirt bike things in the mud; fishermen; camping people; guys who say “the last book I read was probably in junior high”; people without high school diplomas (not that there is anything wrong with that, to each his own); people with children (my hatred for children is also very clear); and finally, many aged 50+ men of a variety of ethnicities that I do not think would appreciate my particular lifestyle, tattoos, love of saints and Jewish father/ex-nun mother.
I diligently looked at every profile to find SOME connection – anything at all. Of the very few people that even “matched” with me at all, none actually had anything in common with me. No one even attempted to contact me. There were plenty of views of my profile, so that means that they read about my awesome self and did not find anything in common, just as much as I found their profiles completely unappealing and average. But there is no doubt in my mind, and this is why I set out on this mission in the first place, that the reason they could not “connect” to me is because I am morally superior, more interesting, more unique, and more dynamic than they are.
Here is where I say for the record, had someone contacted me, I would have thanked them and told them that I do not date, and I was doing an experiment, and all that. I would not be a jerk to anyone or hurt their feelings.
But anyway, I paid something like $150 to prove what I already knew and for that reason, the irony of me being a dumbass to prove how superior I am is highlighted in all its glory. That is the story of my life! I am a complete and total moron, but I am a morally superior and unique moron. And that $150 would have paid for my left forearm tattoo (or at least a good bit of it), but instead I tried to prove how awesome I am.
Oohhhh, the stupidity! I LOVE IT!
In other news, I accidentally told a very nice guy at work that he has resting bitch face, which was not an appropriate thing to say at all and I feel really bad about it.
I shouted at a young adult that I saw her in a show and that she was adorable. My exact words were “OH I saw you in Godspell, you were adorable! You are so freaking adorable!” and then I turned suddenly and left.
I was talking to a person and another person came up and started talking to him but I did not know Person B, so I sort of stood there for awhile until I interrupted Person B mid sentence and said “I am not really sure what to do here, because I want to leave but I am not really sure if I am part of this conversation or not, so I am just going to leave and let it be awkward”. It was, indeed, awkward.
Please enjoy this picture of A Desk Hazel, courtesy of Josh who Snapchatted this picture, and I learned to take a screenshot of it so I can keep it. Snapchat makes no sense to me.