I Do Not Know Angsty Teenage Girls (Thank Goodness).

Today at work our Kegerator was assembled.  Here is a picture of it:


We are moving to a new office and it is gigantic.  I am excited, even though I do not like change.  I am excited because our current office is small and loud.  There are going to be built in fences so there will be no limit on how many dogs can come in (right now 6 can come in per day), because each department can contain their dogs.  This means I will have to do a lot of walking around in order to visit each dog every day.  We are also going to have a ping pong table.  And a super huge area where they are going to do the yoga and pilates classes.  You should be very jealous of my job.

Avril Lavigne is coming to the Rocksino and I really would like to see her, but I do not know any angsty teenage girls to take so I do not look like a creeper at an angsty young girl concert.  Also, I kind of do not want to be surrounded by angsty teenage girls.

Are you wondering what the Rocksino is?  It is a Casino of Rock.  There is a Hard Rock Cafe in it, and guitars and clothes that were worn by various famous people.  They have a concert venue there as well.  I won 40$ on slot machines.

I like to put things in a crock pot and cook them until they are all the same mushy consistency and then eat them.  No matter what I pile in, I always add a shit ton of carrots. I like carrots.

Speaking of a shit ton, I took this “How Sweary Are You” quiz and I got 12 out of like, 55.  I do not swear a lot at all.  If I swear at or around or near you, that is how you know I am very serious about something.

I thought maybe I would start taking a walk after work but so far, it is dark by the time I get home around 8:45pm, and I am scared of the dark, so that is not going to happen.  I am assuming it will be lighter in a few weeks, so maybe when I get home it will still be light.

I am glad Capri Sun is now made with a clear bottom because ever since they did that thing where they cut one open and it was all moldy and gross on the inside, I have not been able to drink one.  And I use those when my blood sugar is low, so that is really inconvenient that I cannot drink them.  But now that they are clear, I can drink them again.

My mom got my dad a neck pillow and this is what he did with it:


I have recently been panicking about my parents dying more than usual.  This is something that has caused me extreme anxiety since I was 2, but recently it has become worse.  So I asked my parents who is supposed to be my keeper when they die, and my mom said I should find some random old lady to live with because there are a lot of them out there.  My dad said I should sell the house and buy a condo so I do not have to mow the lawn.  Neither of those suggestions were helpful.  I do not need an active keeper, but I have never lived by myself and not had someone indirectly supervising me.  I also asked my parents if they resented the fact that most people’s kids leave at some point and do not come back, and they said no, it is ok that I came back and have not left.  Hopefully they will not die soon.  Or at all.

I bought broccoli a few days ago with the intention of eating it when I got home but it stunk up my car so bad that when I got home, I threw it right out into the garbage.  Broccoli never smells good, but this smelled like someone had pooped in my car.  Broccoli should never smell like poop.  It looked normal.

Here is a picture of one of the many chipmunks who live in my backyard:


Here is a picture of Autumn bonking her nose in to Dixie:


Here is a picture of Hazel looking funny:


You Can Call Me Ingrid And I’ll Call You Al.

“Stop it, just…go away.  Both of you.  Take the cat and put him to bed, I can’t stand it anymore.  I can stand watching you rocking and I can’t stand the cat wanting to go to bed at 10pm.  Go away”.

Sabrina Von Squishy and Mr. Meow Meow both created, of their own accord and without consulting each other, a curfew of 10pm for me.  At 10pm, Sabrina would pace and meow and tap on things and drive my mom insane if I was not home yet.  I would get phone calls every night asking if I was coming home, where was I and would I be home soon.  Mr. Meow Meow does the same thing.  He wants me IN BED by 10pm.  If I am not, whether I am home or not, he jumps on my mom, sits on the table in front of her, meows at her – all trying to tell her that I should be in bed (so he can be in bed, too).  My mom now sits and reads in the kitchen at night, and I was rocking in the kitchen for no reason other than that is where I happened to be, and Mr. Meow Meow was flopping around on the floor meowing, trying to get me to go to bed.  That was what inspired her tirade.

“He runs around all day, something’s chasing him, he’s very busy.  All day.  Non stop.  He needs to go to bed at 10pm and you keep him up too late.  Take him to bed.  You have to go to bed by 10 now, your schedule needs to change”.

These are actual quotes from my mom who believes it is completely reasonable for me to be in bed by 10pm so my cat can go to sleep.  I guess it is not unreasonable.  He is my kitty and I will do what he wants, but really, I just cannot go to bed that early.  I will get bored and then never fall asleep because I have been lying there bored for too long.

I have changed my schedule so that if I am going to read at night, or watch Hulu or something, I do it on my iPad in my bed so he can go to sleep.  So that helps.  He is a funny kitty.  I am fairly certain Sabrina Von Squishy has taught him things from the beyond because there are just too many coincidences.

Someday I want to drive to Chicago, have dinner, and then drive home.  I think Chicago is about 6 hours away.  I just checked google maps and it is 5 hours and 31 minutes away.  Then there was a route I could click that took me through Lake Erie and Lake Michigan, but then I realized it was a route to fly, not to drive.  I guess I could fly to Chicago and have dinner and fly back.  That would cost about $400.

AJ is going to meet Mr. Meow Meow for the first time tomorrow.  When he first met Sabrina, he changed her name to Smurf, and it sort of stuck.  I tried not to, but I think I called her Smurf more often than I called her Squishy or Sabrina.  I mean, her name was never actually changed, it was just a nickname, but it really did stick.  So I have informed him that he is absolutely not to change Mr. Meow Meow’s name.  He may call him Meow Meow, Mr. Meow Meow, or Mr. Kitty.  I think those are enough options, we do not need to introduce more.  I am trying to think of what potential “threat” I can use, like, if he renames Mr. Meow Meow, I will start calling AJ by the name Ingrid or something.  But he would say that is fine, call him Ingrid.  He also knows I would almost instantly forget that I was supposed to call him Ingrid, and it would never stick.  I could say I am going to lick his food when he is not looking, and then he will never know which food has been licked and which has not, but he would not actually care about that either, because he knows I would never actually lick someone else’s food.  So basically, I have nothing.  Oh, and also, I used to have a bunny when I was in high school and he was named Harry and when I told AJ this, he said “Harry McHopALot?” and I said “No, just Harry” and from then on, my bunny who has been dead for 20 years has been referred to as Harry McHopALot.  He can change the names of the dead, that is how powerful his name changes are.

Tonight the sign at Panini’s said “Ladies Night – Cosmos – 3$” and so I ordered one.  I rarely drink, but I thought, three dollars, that is just a fantastic price.  Then I got the bill and my cosmo cost 7$.  My assumption was that I was not considered a lady and did not qualify for Ladies Night, but that was embarrassing, so I did not say that out loud.  Instead, I posted it more publicly in my blog, right here.  Anyway, AJ said he would tell the waitress, and I said no, because I did not want her to have to say “She is not a lady, she has to pay full price”.  But AJ said since that was the only reason I bought the cosmo, I should pay the special price.  That is true.  But I still begged him not to say anything because I have a thing about sending things back or correcting prices, it really gives me anxiety.  So I paid full price for a 3$ cosmo because I am not sure if I qualify as a lady or not.

I have five phone calls to make on my vacation day tomorrow.  I have to make a dentist appointment, a regular doctor appointment, an endocrinologist appointment, I have to call about CPAP supplies because I have been effectively suffocating in my sleep, and I have to call about my insulin pump that randomly died but I did not consider that an emergency because I am using my back up pump, but the back up pump only has 180 days of use programmed in to it, so if I do not call and get a replacement pump, I will just forget and after 180 days, this pump will die, too, and then I will be shit outta luck.  I have been putting these phone calls off for a long time.  The dentist appointment has only been put off for about a week, but I am going on two years with getting a new endocrinologist.  For those who do not know, that is the Diabetes Doctor.  I am going to a new one because the one I went to for nearly 20 years is over an hour away and it was getting annoying driving that far.  The pump has only been about a month, and the CPAP supplies have been about 6 months.  Never, ever depend on me to make phone calls for you, because I will not do it.  Ironic, considering I work in a call center.

This has been your late night non-sequitor thought blog, brought to you by Darcy and Mr. Meow Meow.  Thank you.

This is Logan from work, and he does not like to be pet, but he is SO FLUFFY it is really hard not to pet him.



I Put A Tampon Up My Dad’s Nose.

Here is a list of things that happened this past week.

My dad decided that these little fake white fence things that we have lining our dirt in our front yard needed to be moved to the backyard.  They are like, 6 inches tall, and I guess they are meant to make a quaint little border to your dirt patches.  I have run over most of the ones in the front yard, because they border the dirt that is in front of where I park my car.  So my dad plucked them all out and put them in the backyard.  Here is a picture.  Keep in mind, it is Ohio Dead Time, so everything in the state is brown and dead.  In a few weeks it will be lovely and green, but the point is, my backyard does not look this white trash all the time.


So he did that, all while totally dizzy from one of his new meds.  Then later that night, he kneeled down upstairs to pet Mr. Meow Meow and….blacked out and hit the floor face first.  It was a blood bath.  If we had killed five people, there would not have been this much blood.  And I only saw it AFTER most of it was cleaned up.  I came home to my mom standing at the utility sink with about 10 full sized towels, soaked in blood, and she looked at me wide eyed and said “You won’t believe what you missed”.  I assumed she had killed my dad.  She did not.  His nose was bleeding because that is what hit the floor first.  To make matters worse, he was upstairs when this happened and my mom was on the porch with her headphones on watching tv.  So my dad opened his bedroom window and called down to my mom, because the porch is right under his bedroom.  She did not hear him.  So he went downstairs and to the porch and then she came in.  So there was blood on the light switch in the dining room, the hallway, one of the upstairs bathrooms, the window in my dad’s room, the wall in my dad’s room – it was crazy.  So anyway, his nose would not stop bleeding so I put a tampon up his nose.  Here is what he looks like now.


And this is what his arm looks like because apparently he got carpet burn on his arm, too.


Then I made Amish Friendship Bread and I posted on the page on Facebook for my neighborhood to see if anyone wanted the starter batter, and the person across the street did.  So I took it over today and her daughter, who does not know me and is probably about 13, answered the door.  I think I scared her.  I was holding a bag of goo and I have blue hair and she did not know me.  I said “I have something for your mom”.  She said “What?”  I said “Amish Friendship Bread.  It is bread.  This is batter”.  She said “Oh, umm, she’s upstairs”.  I said “She is expecting this”.  I am fairly certain I traumatized the poor girl, but she opened the door a tiny crack and I handed the stuff to her.

Also this week we had Cat Day at work.



There were more kitties, but these were the only two I got pictures of.

I really want cake.

Or cupcakes.

Also I went to my friend Karyn’s house and she has pets.  This is Mira the Malamute.  She lives outside because if she lives inside she gets too hot because of her fur.  She likes to get visitors.


This is the 50 bazillion gallon fish tank in which there are fish, snails, starfish, hermit crabs and some sort of creepy worms that only come out at night.


This is Spartacus and they thought he was a girl so his name was Sparkle, but then they found out he is a boy and now he is Spartacus.


There is another kitty name Molly but she did not come out while I was there.  And this is Raptor the bird.


Keep Your Hands To Yourself.

I know an alarming number of men who have been bestowed with the title “sex offender” or “felon” because of sexual misconduct with a minor.

I know that women commit these crimes as well, and I am not going to bother finding actual statistics, I am just going to make some up.  Like, 8 million percent of the people who commit these types of crimes are men, and 7 million percent of the crimes are committed against women.

The fact that I know more than half a dozen men who have committed these crimes really says a lot, because I live in a bubble and generally know nice people.  And you know what?  Those 6 guys that I know are all nice guys who did incredibly, beyond imaginable stupid things.  I am not talking about actual rapists who do things to very unwilling participants.  I am talking about men who had younger women show an interest in them, and the men did not have the sense to discourage/put the smack down on these younger women.

Here is what I do not understand – how hard is it to not have sex with someone?  Is it really that difficult?  If there is a very simple rule that says “Please do not have sex with minors”, what is it that goes through the mind of men when they do it anyway?  I do not care if the girl was promiscuous anyway, I do not care if the girl consented, I do not care if it was all pictures and no actual physical contact – how difficult is it to follow one simple rule?

I have asked “What the hell were you thinking?” and the answer is always “I wasn’t thinking”.  WELL WHY NOT??  I am not asking you to do chemistry or solve math problems, I am asking you to remember that it is a rule that you should not touch girls who are underage, even if they want you to, ask you to, or invite you to.  What is wrong with men that such a large percentage of them cannot control themselves?  It disgusts me that the chance for one fling with a prepubescent girl is tempting enough for them to risk their reputations and lives and jobs and families and everything.  Was it worth it?  They always say no.  And yet, something in their sex obsessed little brains told them that they could just NOT continue with their lives unless they participated in whatever activity it was they got busted for, and they became so obsessed with this idea that they did it.  Never mind that there are hundreds of thousands of millions of women who are of age available (that is another non factual statistic), they had to do whatever they did with THAT GIRL.  To be fair, in some cases with the men I know, it was with THAT BOY.

The point is, very few men can control themselves.  I think if they were very honest with themselves and could answer anonymously, a much higher percentage of men would admit that they would do something illegal with an underage girl if they knew they would not get caught.  Of those men who would admit that, a large percent actually follow through and do it.

I am not perfect by any means, but every day I refrain from punching people, stealing things, breaking things, shouting at people, running naked through the grocery store, tripping people, pushing people, playing bumper cars with real cars, peeing in the pool, spitting in public, throwing eggs at people and buildings…the list goes on, all these things I refrain from doing.  How much more difficult is it to not have sex with someone?

I have been struggling lately with how anyone would want to subject themselves to dating, and how a person can possibly form an attachment to someone else so easily.  It boggles my mind.  A friend dated a guy for 6 weeks and they broke up and she misses him.  She did not even know him, you cannot possibly know a person that well after 6 weeks, why on earth would you miss them?  There are people in my life I have known for 20 years and I would not miss them if I never saw them again.  No, not you, of course I do not mean YOU.

My point is, these false attachments are formed and in a few months, it will have meant nothing.  The same thing applies to these 6 guys and their interactions with their various victims.  Was the experience that meaningful that you just could not pass it up?  NO!  Every single one of them would say absolutely not, I would never even consider doing that again and that underage person meant nothing to me.  Was it worth it?  NO!  So how was it THAT IMPOSSIBLE to think of these things beforehand???  I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!

There is an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where Faith, the “bad” slayer, teaches Buffy that Slayers have power, and that means you get what you want.  ”See, Want, Take”.  She sees something she wants and she takes it, because she can.  That is how I feel 75% of men are.  They do not think, they See, Want and Take.

I do not hate men, really – but I kind of do.  There are people like my brother and my dad and they do not have this mentality.  In fact, most men that I know do not have that mentality.  But it seems like an overwhelmingly large number of men outside of my personal world DO have that mentality and that is infuriating.

Here is my last example – my friend AJ – yes, you know him as the exboyfriend, sometimes as “Jane”, etc – we are friends.  Well, at least I am his friend until there is the opportunity for him to have sex with someone, then any friendship is out the window.  Tonight he was on a date and I happened to get in a really bad car accident – I hit a bad patch of snow, spun across two highway lanes and an on ramp, and landed tipped sideways on the hill about 20 feet away from the road.  That was more than a little traumatic.  I texted AJ and told him what happened, to which he responded “holy shit” and nothing else.  I kept texting, because of course, I was completely spazzing out, and got no response.  Finally, his date left, and he texted and asked if I was ok.  The potential for sex with this girl was far more important to him than the fact that I was sitting in my sideways car waiting to be pulled out by a tow truck, and he has absolutely no idea why I think there is something wrong with that.  He really does not comprehend why I thought it would have been appropriate to maybe tell the girl “Wow, my friend was just in a really bad car accident, do you mind if I call to see if she’s ok?” – they were watching a movie. But the very potential for having sex with this girl made that more important than the fact that I nearly just died.  If I had died, his last words to me would have been ignoring me.  And he is ok with that, as long as there is still the potential for sex with this girl.

Men do not know how to act in life if there is sex involved.  AJ is not a unique situation, he represents the majority of men.  Was it worth abandoning a friend in what I consider a pretty big time of need?  No one will ever know, because all men are able to do is grunt and scratch their man bits and wait for the next person to agree to have sex with them.

I kind of hate men.

Tagalongs In My Bed.

My nieces stayed overnight last weekend, so my mom felt the need to completely redecorate “their” room, which is actually my mom’s room, but when my nieces stay over, they stay in that room.  There are two beds.  So when they were little, it was a ballerina theme.  Now it’s some sort of green and yellow flowery theme.  My mom bought new bedding and accessories and stuff.  Then my mom decided, the morning my nieces were going to come over, that a new mattress was needed for one of the beds because the fitted sheet did not fit properly on the existing mattress.  So she woke up me up at 10:30am, which for me is very early, and made me drive to Big Lots and she went in and came out with a mattress and stuffed it in my Hamster Car and I had to drive home with it on my head and then I had to drag it from my Hamster Car to the bedroom.  My nieces spent about 45 minutes awake in the room.

Also, when my mom was trying to take a picture of me with the mattress on my head she kept holding my phone with the screen pointed away from her, and I kept trying to tell her she should be looking at me in the screen and that is how you take the picture, and she just could not get it.  I physically had to turn the phone around.  She thought that because “selfies” are taken with the object of the photo looking at the screen, then that must mean all photos are taken that way.  I have selfie-fied my mother and now she cannot function in any other way.

I made a fake profile on match.com so a male friend could scope out his competition and look at dude profiles and see what they write so he could write something better.  The profile was not actually fake, I wrote everything truthfully and as me, but the fake part is that I do not want to date anyone.  But now I am all up in arms because no one “liked” my profile or “winked” at me or anything.  I do not want them to, but why aren’t they??  I have the perfect profile.  I would totally date me.  Click here to see my awesome fake profile.  143 people viewed me, ONE PERSON “liked me” and ZERO people favorited me!  I am AWESOME, what the hell is the matter with these people.  I am telling you, I keep looking at my profile and I am all like, wow, that person is awesome, and then I am all like, wait, that is me!  At first I felt bad because I just knew my amazingness would draw people in and they would all be like “We love you Darcy!” and I felt bad that I was leading them on because I have no intention of dating.  But no, there is nothing to feel bad about because these people all have very poor taste.  So yes, to sum all that up, I do not want anyone to contact me or talk to me, but I am mad that no one has contacted me or tried to talk to me.  Of course, if they did, I would have to live with the guilt of not responding to them, and that would be bad.  Oh well.  If any dudes out there need to use my profile to see your competition, let me know.

I enjoy Girl Scout Cookies.  I also enjoy Advil PM.  One night I took Advil PM and stayed up past the part where I should have gone to sleep, so I was a little loopy, and decided that would be a good time to eat Tagalongs.  I decided it would be even better to take them up to bed with me.  Then I fell asleep and a Tagalong went missing.  I woke up to a glob of melted chocolate and peanut butter attached to my ass and my bed.  At first I thought my kidney had melted out of my hip, but it turns out, that is not what happened.

Here is a picture of me with a mattress on my head.


Here is a picture of Mr. Meow Meow enhanced with Snap Seed, that is an app.  It is neat.


Lastly, here is a funny cat meme.