The World SORT OF Revolves Around Me.

You may recall I wrote a blog about how the world revolves around me.  I still really believe that.  I came SO CLOSE to having definitive proof, but it turned out to only be sort of definitive proof.   Try to follow this.

My friend Jane is from Pennsylvania and she is visiting me in Cleveland.  In Cleveland, as you may know from my obsessing, we have The Beck Center.  Jane, Sabrina the Human and I went to the Beck Center to see American Idiot and we posed with Mr. Beck, the founder of the Beck Center.  I posted the picture on Facebook.

11755655_10155793753640109_1468085545505852710_nThat is the picture.  I tagged Sabrina the Human, Jane, me, and then I tagged Mr. Beck as Dan Folino because I thought that was funny.  There was nothing to indicate where we were or who that guy is.  Jane has a friend, and I do not know how she feels about me posting her name, so I am just going to make up the parts that are not important.  Her name is Lisa Beck-Jones.  So her maiden name is Beck.  She posts on my picture, which she could see because I tagged Jane, “why are you posing with my Pop Pop?”.

I immediately freaked out thinking she is actually related to Mr. Beck, and to me, that confirmed that no one can exist without having some connection to me.  The Beck Center would not exist, Jane would not exist, and Jane’s friend Lisa Beck-Jones would not exist were it not for ME.

Within the span of 5 minutes I found out that Lisa Beck-Jones was joking, that is NOT her Pop Pop and I thought oh, that disproves my theory.  It still made sense to me, though, because her maiden name is Beck and we were at the Beck Center and posing with Mr. Beck.  So why would she NOT make a joke about her Pop Pop?

HERE IS WHY SHE WOULD NOT MAKE A JOKE ABOUT THAT BEING HER POP POP.  She had no way of knowing where we were or who that was.  She RANDOMLY made a joke about that being her Pop Pop and her maiden name HAPPENS to be Beck and that HAPPENS to be a portrait of Mr. Beck.

So even though I do not have the definitive proof I was looking for, I feel I have very strong supporting evidence that not a single one of you can exist without some connection to me.

Ergo, the world revolves around me.

Thank you.

Sometimes I Require Attention.

For the most part, I hang out by myself and I am ok with that.  I do not always like talking out loud, so that means I am not a big fan of being social.  I really spend quite a lot of time by myself with no human interaction.

I like my friend Sabrina the Human because when I am with her she just talks and talks and talks, so I do not have to say anything.  I like her for a lot of other reasons, too, but I said that to her the other day and it was funny.  Normally I do not actually get to see Sabrina the Human that much but because I am currently obsessed with the Beck Center production of American Idiot, and she lives right down the street, I get to see her a lot.  Here is a picture of us laying on the cement in the parking lot because it was a nice night and it felt like the right thing to do.

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Some of the people that I sometimes require attention from include:  All Of The Animals, my brother, Dan Folino, Billie Joe Armstrong, Robert Downey Jr., Dave from Half Price Books and Amiee Collier.  Two of those people are local actors who I really like, one is related to me, two are super famous and will not actually ever pay attention to me and the rest are All Of The Animals.  There are a lot of people who will happily pay attention to me whenever I want and this is not to say that this list of people is somehow better or more interesting – possibly more elusive.  For once I do not know how to explain something.

But anyway, my brother is busy and he does not like to text, so we go weeks without even saying hi to each other.  I sometimes text him a lot of things and then he tells me I text too much.  Then sometimes he will text back “Hi” or I will say “Hi this is your sister remember me?” and he will say “What?  Who is this?” and I think that is very funny and then that is how I know he loves me.

Animals really tend to pay a lot of attention to me because I carry treats with me at all times, but not all of them like to be grabbed and squished, which is what I prefer.  I take what I can get.

Dan Folino is very accepting of my chronic need for attention, and I told him this even though I was told I should not inflate his ego more than necessary, but I consider writing to Dan Folino via Facebook message to be like writing to God – sometimes he grants you a reply and you live in his glory, and sometimes you just talk and know in your heart of hearts that he is listening and just does not have the time to respond.  For the past year, since it was announced that Beck would be doing American Idiot and that Dan Folino would be in it, I have been very needy in my attention.  I have offered All Of The Advice since I am clearly the expert on Green Day and how Dan Folino should best be showcased.  I even insulted Dan Folino twice by accident and he granted me his forgiveness because he knows I am basically a social moron and that I did not mean to insult him.  One time I said he looked like a predator though, and I felt really bad about that one.  He does not look like a predator.

Amiee Collier is extremely nice and she has a dog named Buckley who is excessively cute, so she sort of falls into both categories – the need for attention from All Of The Animals and the Amiee Collier fandom.  She puts up with me, too.

Billie Joe Armstrong and Robert Downey Jr. are not my BFFs yet, but I am not giving up hope.

Dave from Half Price Books only sometimes pays attention to me, but again, I take what I can get.

I also like when I get attention at work, if I do something particularly good or smart.  That is always good attention.

And recently, my obsession was highlighted because – bear with me on this – I really believe I am invisible.  Not invisible like magic, but I do not believe people notice me or see me despite the fact that my hair is currently bright red and has, in the past, been purple, blue and pink.  I still think people do not notice me so I thought nothing of the fact that I was in the audience of American Idiot for basically 5 or 6 out of the 7 shows they have done so far.  The cast is very young, so I will be referring to them as “kids”.  By this I mean I am legitimately old enough to be their mother.  One of the kids, Kyle Burnett, came up to me after one of the shows and said he thought I might be a figment of his imagination because he kept seeing me and no one believed I was real.  He was sweet as all get out and I wanted to adopt him to become the twin brother of my already adopted work daughter, Xena.  Anyway, he has been doing a vlog for the Cleveland production of American Idiot, and it is really cute – he interviews the cast members and shows some behind the scenes stuff.  So you should go check out his videos here.  Start with the first one and go in order.

If you are in Cleveland, go see American Idiot.  And if you happen to know Billie Joe Armstrong or Robert Downey Jr., please let them know that I would like some attention.

Travels With My Mom.

I updated the Quotes section, and the Dogs Eating Peanut Butter section!

My parents and I went to my brother’s house for Father’s Day.  We always drive separately because sometimes I stay later, but more importantly, I like to listen to my music while I drive.  And also, the three of us in a confined space for more than five minutes is enough to make us all crazy.

Today we all left at the same time, so I was driving behind my parents and we were both stopped at a stop sign.  My mom got out of my dad’s car and came to mine and got in.  She said she wanted to stop for ice cream and my dad did not want to.  Because this was different than the original plan, it threw me off.  Remember, it does not take much to throw me off.  My response was “Ok but now you are in my car and I wanted to listen to my music and you do not like it, so what am I going to do now?  This is why I drive, to listen to music, but now you are here”.  She gave me permission to listen to Green Day, and I really wish I could have recorded her commentary.  “They are very angry, aren’t they?” “This song is sad, are all the songs sad?” “Did you skip that song because you think I can’t handle them saying bad words?” (I skipped the song Fuck Time) and then finally, after me telling her she cannot smoke in my car, she went crazy and started head banging and “dancing”.  I told her she was going to throw a hip out or something, and she said “Then let me smoke”.  Then she wanted me to pull up next to a car that had a sticker thingy that said “Your stick family was delicious” and it was a T-Rex eating a stick family, and it was an awesome sticker, but she wanted to roll down the window and tell the person driving that it was an awesome sticker.  I do not allow that sort of interaction with other people, so I purposely stayed behind the car while my mom went insane next to me, yelling about how the lady driving needed to know that her sticker was appreciated.  It was VERY funny.

We got to the ice cream place and the kid taking the money asked if it was for here or to go, and my mom asked “What would you do if I said it was for here, and then I left?” and he said “Uhhh.  Nothing?” so she said “Well what you do if I said it was to go, and then I sat here?  There’s a tax, isn’t there?  For eating here?” and he said “Yeah, but I don’t think we’d do anything”.

We sat outside and drank our milkshakes and we were talking about these bumps she has developed that look like bug bites, but are not. My sister in law said that my mom should see a dermatologist, so I asked if she was going to go, and she said no.  She firmly believes that you are either alive or dead and there is no in between, so she refuses to go to the doctor.  I said “What if it is something you just have to take a pill for and they will go away, why would you let something annoying stay there?” and she said “I let you stay around, don’t I?”  BOOM!  Points for mom!

The drive home ended with her asking me to stop playing music, me telling her she is the reason I take pills for anxiety and her telling me that I am the reason she is crazy.  None of that is true, we actually like each other very much.  Though I do take pills for anxiety and she IS crazy, despite what she will tell you.

My nieces and I tried to train my dad how to do the Dubsmash app, and this is the closest we got to him talking at the pace of a teenage girl – it does not really match up, and we had to hold a cue card next to the phone so he could remember his line, but it is funny nonetheless.

I have some questions that need to be answered, so if you know the answer, please tell me.

1.  Why do all men lose their leg hair around their calves and ankles once they hit a certain age?
2.  Why does my cat only want to sit on me when I am actively trying to type on a computer, and never when I want him to come snuggle?  How does he know?
3.  Why do I always fall for click bait and get trapped on a website that makes me click “next” for every single sentence?  I want to know where these child stars are now, or why I won’t believe what happens next when a guy stands on his head and bakes cookies, or what is so creepy about these pictures – why can’t they just tell me?  Why do they have to make me click through every single thing?
4.  Why are Magnum ice cream bars the best thing ever in the world, what the hell do they put in those things?

My Arch Nemesis.

You think I am going to post about AJ, don’t you?  That is what you are expecting when I say I have an arch nemesis, but you know what?  You are wrong.  Though as a side note, AJ is getting closer to MY theater circles and it is unnerving.  He hates theater, hates theater actors, he thinks they overact and are horrible, and he will not even go into a theater without becoming angry.  And yet, his face shows up on my Facebook feed showing him at a theater event.  This is not ok.  If he shows up at American Idiot at the Beck Center, I will not be ok.  There may be fisticuffs.  Not really, though, I just wanted to say fisticuffs.

BUT – that is not the point of this post.

I take the exact same route to work every single day, and I always have.  I will not change my route because change is wrong and bad.  Part of my route involves a new….thing.  It is a speed thing that shows what speed you are going, which is fine.  I am ok with that.  But THIS speed thing also flashes blue and red police lights when you are significantly far away if it senses you are going too fast and it scares the crap out of me.  I like lights.  I can become mesmerized by police lights (as long as the sirens are not on, THAT I do not like).  I like things that light up, I like lights that move and do neat things.  I like lights.  I DO NOT like lights that I do not expect that appear to be police lights but are not properly on a police car.  They are on a sign.  They are unexpected and in the wrong place and they are on my route.

The first time I passed the Evil Lights I was going faster than the speed limit.  The Evil Lights catch you as you are coming over a hill, and you do not necessarily see the sign, you just see the disembodied lights start going.  The first time this happened, it startled me.  I do not do well with being startled.  It is, in fact, an insanely cruel act to startle me because it takes a lot of medication and time for me to become unstartled and to trust the world as I know it again.

Seeing as I take that same route every day, I knew I would encounter the Evil Disembodied Lights again.  I started driving really, really slowly so as not to piss them off.  I have managed to make it safely past for about two weeks now, but the fear remains.  What if I twitch and step too hard on the gas and it sets off the Evil Lights?  Anything can happen.

I would like to clarify that it is not a fear of police lights “catching” me, it is a fear of the lights being unexpected and in the wrong place and not on a police car.

Tonight I took a video and I purposely risked my life and went fast so the lights would go so that you can all see the terror.

See?  I let it go long enough to get a video and then I slowed down so they would stop.  People now hate me on that street because I drive about 20 miles an hour to avoid the Evil Lights.  Well, they also hate me because there are often deer, bunnies, turkey vultures, hawks and ground hogs on that road and I will stop to watch them.

One time on that very road just a few days ago there was a car coming in the opposite direction, and she was totally stopped.  I stopped, too, because if someone else is stopped, maybe that means I need to stop.  I looked where she was looking and there was a baby fox laying down in a circle like a cat.  We both sat and looked at the fox and then a car came up behind her and so she drove forward.  That gave me the prime opportunity to save the baby fox, so I parked my car and got out and said “Hello baby fox, I am here to save you”.  The baby fox got up and walked near a shrubbery, which meant that he did not need to be saved, he was not injured, he was just hanging out.  I got back in my car and sat there to watch him some more and an older man in a Cadillac drove up to me in the opposite direction and stared right at me and said “You’re stopped” and I said “I know”.  He said “Why are you stopped?” and I said “there’s a baby fox over there” and I pointed.  He did not even turn his head to look, he just kept staring at me.  Then he said “So?” and I said “I like him?” and he stared at me some more.  Then he said “You’re blocking traffic, you can’t do that.”  I looked behind me and there was no one there.  There was also no one behind him.  We were the only two cars.  So I said “There’s a baby fox”.  The man said “You should move, you are blocking traffic” and I said “I do not see any traffic and there is a baby fox”.  I pointed again to try to get him to look, and he did not.  He just said “Well you need to get out of the way” and he drove off.  There were still no other cars there.

I Have A Miracle Dad.

It is not my fault that I have been slacking so badly.  There were 6 weeks of my dad’s brain doing really crazy things and that was all chaotic and stuff.  The bottom line – he had a spinal fluid leak and it was really quite bad and we thought he was going to be a not talking not walking not moving person forever.  It was horrible.  This is what he was like for a long time, so you can see why I thought he was dying.

But he is almost totally fine now because they did a blood patch and that fixes things.  I’m serious.  Nearly totally fine.  95%.  The biggest problem is that he doesn’t trust himself because he was in a hospital bed without standing or walking for a month, so he thinks he is fragile now.  But look!  My Miracle Dad!

I just blamed my laziness on my convalescing dad, that was really bad. Everyone really knows this is the reason I never get anything done:

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The things I learned from this experience – it is NOT ok for my dad to not be around.  We stayed with him at the hospital for all but about 7 hours at night, mostly because they kept trying to kill him there (they made a lot of mistakes)(one that resulted in him being intubated and on a breathing tube for a week).  For a lot of the time he just laid there sounding like he was suffocating, like that first video.  He does not remember anything from that time, which is probably good.  Then he had to lie there with the tube in his throat and he could not talk and he had to point to letters to spell things out.  They had to put a feeding tube in his stomach and a central line in his chest and like, a million IVs.  He could not sit up because if he sat up he basically lost consciousness – all the goo went from inside his head to somewhere else and it made his brain sink down and then he could not function.  He also does not remember being taken by ambulance to the hospital, or the two weeks he was at home after his first hospital stay (they thought they fixed it that first time, but they did not).  He does not remember getting stuck with me and him in the bathroom because he was so out of it I was physically holding him up and he could not do anything.  He does not remember us using the computer chair to transport him during the times when he was semi-functional but not really.  I still think it is good he does not remember all that.

I bought 19 tickets to see American Idiot at The Beck Center.  I love Green Day.  And then guess what?  Out of NOWHERE – I am telling you, out of the COMPLETE FREAKING BLUE – Green Day announces they are doing a show in Cleveland in like, two weeks.  TWO WEEKS.  I really assumed I would never see them in concert because Billie Joe would always be in rehab or dead.  I accepted this fate a long time ago when I missed the last concert that they ended up canceling anyway.  I joined the fan club so that I could get pre-sale tickets, right?  Brilliant move on my part.  I sat watching the countdown before 10am today and the SECOND they went on sale, I was there selecting my seats.  It kept telling me no, Darcy, you cannot have tickets.  Two minutes later, every pre-sale ticket was gone.  GONE.  Now I have to try to get tickets like a normal person at 10am tomorrow.

I wore my shirt inside out and backwards at work a few days ago and everyone laughed at me but then I did not have time to switch it so I had to sit in a meeting like that and I was talking about Very Important Things and Melissa (Hi Melissa) could not control herself she was laughing so hard at me and I finally said “I KNOW MY SHIRT IS WRONG!”  The sad part is, this is not the first time I have done that.

I did a quote for a pet named Butt Butt.

I will be entering new quotes very shortly, so you should keep an eye on that.

My friend Steve fixed my iMac and he lives in Pennsylvania and I live in Ohio and he did not come here in person, he fixed it from Pennsylvania.  The hard drive died completely and he managed to un-die it and restore everything and I think that is really very impressive, so I sent him Cheryl and Company cookies – I can say that without ruining the surprise of cookies because he refuses to read my blog.  He will get 12 cookies a month for the next year.

Ben and Jerry’s has a new flavor called Boom Cocolatta and oh my gosh, it is the best thing ever.  EVER.  You know that chocolate fudgy crunchy stuff in the middle of a Dairy Queen ice cream cake?  It is just like that.

I am going to go eat a pint of ice cream now.