I Have A Miracle Dad.

It is not my fault that I have been slacking so badly.  There were 6 weeks of my dad’s brain doing really crazy things and that was all chaotic and stuff.  The bottom line – he had a spinal fluid leak and it was really quite bad and we thought he was going to be a not talking not walking not moving person forever.  It was horrible.  This is what he was like for a long time, so you can see why I thought he was dying.

But he is almost totally fine now because they did a blood patch and that fixes things.  I’m serious.  Nearly totally fine.  95%.  The biggest problem is that he doesn’t trust himself because he was in a hospital bed without standing or walking for a month, so he thinks he is fragile now.  But look!  My Miracle Dad!

I just blamed my laziness on my convalescing dad, that was really bad. Everyone really knows this is the reason I never get anything done:

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The things I learned from this experience – it is NOT ok for my dad to not be around.  We stayed with him at the hospital for all but about 7 hours at night, mostly because they kept trying to kill him there (they made a lot of mistakes)(one that resulted in him being intubated and on a breathing tube for a week).  For a lot of the time he just laid there sounding like he was suffocating, like that first video.  He does not remember anything from that time, which is probably good.  Then he had to lie there with the tube in his throat and he could not talk and he had to point to letters to spell things out.  They had to put a feeding tube in his stomach and a central line in his chest and like, a million IVs.  He could not sit up because if he sat up he basically lost consciousness – all the goo went from inside his head to somewhere else and it made his brain sink down and then he could not function.  He also does not remember being taken by ambulance to the hospital, or the two weeks he was at home after his first hospital stay (they thought they fixed it that first time, but they did not).  He does not remember getting stuck with me and him in the bathroom because he was so out of it I was physically holding him up and he could not do anything.  He does not remember us using the computer chair to transport him during the times when he was semi-functional but not really.  I still think it is good he does not remember all that.

I bought 19 tickets to see American Idiot at The Beck Center.  I love Green Day.  And then guess what?  Out of NOWHERE – I am telling you, out of the COMPLETE FREAKING BLUE – Green Day announces they are doing a show in Cleveland in like, two weeks.  TWO WEEKS.  I really assumed I would never see them in concert because Billie Joe would always be in rehab or dead.  I accepted this fate a long time ago when I missed the last concert that they ended up canceling anyway.  I joined the fan club so that I could get pre-sale tickets, right?  Brilliant move on my part.  I sat watching the countdown before 10am today and the SECOND they went on sale, I was there selecting my seats.  It kept telling me no, Darcy, you cannot have tickets.  Two minutes later, every pre-sale ticket was gone.  GONE.  Now I have to try to get tickets like a normal person at 10am tomorrow.

I wore my shirt inside out and backwards at work a few days ago and everyone laughed at me but then I did not have time to switch it so I had to sit in a meeting like that and I was talking about Very Important Things and Melissa (Hi Melissa) could not control herself she was laughing so hard at me and I finally said “I KNOW MY SHIRT IS WRONG!”  The sad part is, this is not the first time I have done that.

I did a quote for a pet named Butt Butt.

I will be entering new quotes very shortly, so you should keep an eye on that.

My friend Steve fixed my iMac and he lives in Pennsylvania and I live in Ohio and he did not come here in person, he fixed it from Pennsylvania.  The hard drive died completely and he managed to un-die it and restore everything and I think that is really very impressive, so I sent him Cheryl and Company cookies – I can say that without ruining the surprise of cookies because he refuses to read my blog.  He will get 12 cookies a month for the next year.

Ben and Jerry’s has a new flavor called Boom Cocolatta and oh my gosh, it is the best thing ever.  EVER.  You know that chocolate fudgy crunchy stuff in the middle of a Dairy Queen ice cream cake?  It is just like that.

I am going to go eat a pint of ice cream now.

 

Brains And Shit And Also The Oscars.

This post probably should have been two posts, but it is just one post, so fair warning – dramatic topic switch midway through.

As everyone knows, I have had a lot of brain stuff going on in my life lately.  My dad’s brain had a bleed and he had to get holes drilled in his head to get the goo out.  He is recovering from that (*updated the day after I initially wrote this post – today is not a good day for him, send happy thoughts) I have posted all about that on Facebook, so I will leave out the details.  But the one thing I want to say is that when I posted “send me pictures of your pets for my dad” on FB, the response was amazing!  I know some really seriously caring and kind people, and they all have extremely cute pets!

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More brain stuff, though – I am listening to the audiobook The Sociopath Next Door.  One of the main points was that normal people cannot even fathom what it is like to not have a conscience.  I took that as a challenge, because I can imagine just about anything.  The extent of my imagination is so huge that I can actually change my mood by making myself believe something happened, even if it did not.  It is hard to describe, but I can get very deeply involved in my head (and yet I cannot be hypnotized even though I desperately want to be).

So I have been trying my hardest to imagine not having a conscience and what I would do if I just had no remorse, guilt, fear of consequences or regret.  I can’t do it!  I really cannot do it – every scenario I come up with, I just cannot fathom not caring about what I would be doing to someone else.

My question to you -and most people answer my questions on Facebook, so it is fine not to comment on this post but to comment on Facebook – are you able to imagine yourself without a conscience?  Can you imagine just NOT having remorse or guilt?  Is this something anyone is capable of, or if you are a conscientious person, is it impossible?  Do you have to be a sociopath to even imagine not have a conscience?  This is all very confusing to me.

It has been a long time since I have had any contact with AJ, and that is good and I am glad, but I have not stopped thinking about how extreme everything was and how much he just did not care, because it is so hard for my brain to wrap around.  Even though I logically understand that he is not capable of remorse, sincerity or honesty, I still expect an apology letter that is sincere and honest and remorseful.

He has zero guilt or remorse.  That means he does whatever he wants.  He is free to do ANYTHING.  He can have anything he wants, he can get it any way he wants, and he does not have to live with any feelings about it.  I am kind of jealous of that life.

But – if I had that power to not care or feel remorse – I still do not think I would do anything bad.  It is not the fact that I feel remorse or care about people that keeps me from doing bad things, it is that I would just not want to do bad things.  Even if I could get away with it in terms of my own mental processing of things, I would have no desire to cheat and lie.

So that means that sociopaths also want to hurt people, right?  Or is it that they just want things that they should not have and do not care how they get it?  I think I might be on to something.  Since AJ is the only sociopath that I know, I am going to keep using him as an example.  I think he did not set out thinking “I would like to hurt Darcy”, I think he thought “I want lots of girlfriends and it does not matter how I get them”.  Similarly, he thought it was ok to “censor” his dad’s email and keep tabs on his dad with “Find my iPhone”, not because he wanted to be mean to his dad, but because it benefited AJ to know what his dad was doing without his dad knowing, and he did not care that it was invading his dad’s personal life.  I was not the only girl he cheated on, so that even furthers the thought that it was not “I want to hurt Darcy” or “I want to hurt Brandi” (the other girl he cheated on)(that I know of, but I’m sure there were more), but “I want everything and I do not care how I get it”.  What a weird way to live life.

ALL OF THAT IS TO SAY – if you had no conscience, would you have any desire to get away with things?  That is what I want people to answer!  Bear in mind, I am not saying “If you could do something and NOT HURT someone by doing it”, you would still be potentially hurting someone.  You just would not feel remorse about it.  Is your brain capable of imagining this?

In other news, I am watching the Oscars.  Here are my thoughts.

Bradley Cooper is extremely attractive.
NPH is awesome.
Bradley Cooper is still extremely attractive.
I do not like Adam Levine singing falsetto.
I like Adam Levine’s bow tie.
The commercial for Once Upon a Time is very exciting to me.
Chris Pine is also very attractive.
J Lo should not wear a dress the same color as her skin, it is weird.
It was funny when NPH sang “He won an Oscar, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba”
Men in Hollywood are short (or possibly the women are very tall).
Everything is Awesome = Awesome.
Oh, there is Bradley Cooper again and guess what – he is EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE.
The Alzheimer’s song was very sad.
NPH was very nekkid.
Oh hey Chris Evans.
There he is.  Bradley Cooper.  Being attractive.
Jared Leto totally just wiped something off of Patricia Arquette’s face.
Why have I not seen Jennifer Lawrence yet?
Peeta!
I feel like I am not seeing enough famous people, what is up with that?
I mean, really, even when they pan across the audience, I do not recognize anyone.  Give me famous people, damn it.
I think of Robin Williams almost daily and I still feel that loss as if I knew him.
Jennifer Hudson is so skinny, omg.
Glory was really cool and I liked how everyone marched in slow motion in unison.
Idina Menzel and John Travolta were awesome and I love her and she is pretty and flawless, and he looked human again.
WHOA GAGA!!!!!  I love her and I loved her performance… but….Idina was RIGHT THERE, why didn’t they have HER sing?  A much more appropriate comparison to Julie Andrews.
Eddie Murphy’s greatest role = Donkey in Shrek.
It is taking a really long time to get to the famous people.
I wanted Oprah to say “And YOU get an Oscar!  And YOU get an Oscar!”
The Imitation Game writer guy is adorable and I love him.
I love NPH still.
Still no famous people.

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Toilet Paper

Whoa dude, it has been one long ass time since I posted anything, right?  The thing is, I only post when I am angry, annoyed, inspired by something….or my parents have done something especially insane.  So it has been pretty boring lately?  Not really, but just not interesting enough to post, I guess.  I have some new quotes (see the quotes section), and the thing that inspired today’s post – parental videos.  

Specifically, my parents have gone insane over toilet paper.  

Oh but wait, before I do that, I have to say that I am really annoyed at Jenny McCarthy…again.  She convinced a bunch of mindless people that vaccines cause autism, right?  Then she is on her reality show, which I only watch because Donnie Wahlberg, and she is handling raw chicken – just putting her hands all the hell over that stuff – and then she touched her phone, her computer, HER MOUTH, and basically everything in her kitchen.  So she is totally ok with contaminating her family with raw chicken germs, but not ok with vaccinating them.  I never thought she was a smart person, but, just ew.  That is gross.  I wash my hands after looking at raw chicken, and then periodically during the chicken cooking process and then after I have eaten the freaking chicken.  

Ok but then my parents are crazy. 

Then, there is the only time my dad used the F-Bomb.  Not in the video.  The video is just my mom telling the story about my dad dropping the F-Bomb about toilet paper. 

And last but not least, the science behind everything. 

I hate it when Artie on Glee raps. 

My dad hid my water bottle in the back of the refrigerator, and strategically placed a bunch of stuff in front of it.  When I said “Where is my water bottle” he said “It’s in the refrigerator” and it took me five minutes to find it.  I said “You did that on purpose”.  He said “There’s too much stuff in there, you can’t find anything, there’s nowhere to put anything”.  I could probably link to about ten posts where I have discussed my dad’s insanity about the refrigerator and freezer being too full.  The thing is, they are not full.  There is plenty of room.  I have about 6 bottles of flavored water and that is enough to drive him insane.  Then I have my water bottle that is refillable.  That is the one he hid. 

The thing about my parents is that if you are not actively using something AT THAT MOMENT, they think it needs to be thrown out.  My mom even made an entire “cleaning system” based on this.  I am totally serious.  Back in the 80’s – the very early 80’s – she was on tv and everything for “Maureen’s Method”.  People purchased it.  The number one thing was if you have not used something in a year, you get rid of it.  I am not by any means a hoarder, I do not have a lot of things, but I have things that I have not used in a year and still want to keep!  I do not actively read every book I own, but that does not mean I will not want to reread a book in a year or two.  Plus, it is physically impossible to read like, 800 books at one time.  It just is.  It is impossible.  So I am not going to just get rid of everything, that is crazy.  

I made scrambled eggs for a dog we were dog sitting, and she did not eat them.  I put them in the fridge.  My mom said “You’re never going to use those” and I said “Yes I am” and she said “You aren’t, you are going to put them in there and they will just sit there, either use them or throw them out”.  So I threw out a giant plate of scrambled eggs.  A few hours later, it was time for the dog to eat again, so I made new scrambled eggs.  I said “It sure would be nice if I had leftover eggs to microwave” and my mom insisted that she never said that and the incident never happened and that I just went crazy and threw out eggs.  

My dad enforces the “not actively using something at that moment” ideal by taking things like coffee cups 3/4 full that you were drinking but set down for a minute because you do not chug coffee, and he takes them and puts them in the dishwasher.  You made the mistake of not actively drinking that coffee.  He has done that to people at parties and gatherings of all sorts.  

My cat is adorable. 

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This cat is also super cute, and he is up for adoption!  You may adopt him, just comment here and I will tell you how.  

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I Might Have Helped Change A Small Part Of The World.

I am always disappointed because I cannot change the world.  It is a really hard thing to do.  There is a lot to change and it is hard to know what to do or where to begin.  So far I have tried to change the world by rescuing animals, or by donating money to animals, or by buying cat food for people I do not actually know, or by forcibly taking people’s cats and getting them spayed and finding homes for the kittens – speaking of which, if you live anywhere near the Cleveland area, this kitty is the last one who needs a home from a group of kitties I took from someone.  This is the mom kitty, and her kittens have all been adopted.  I can vouch that she is super sweet and adorable, so click this link, and if you live anywhere remotely near me, I will even deliver her to you.  Like, really, I will drive 4 or 5 hours to bring you this kitty if you will give her a good home.  Click here to see the kitty. 

Her name is Darcy.  It was originally Moo, but they already had a kitty named Moo, so they named her after me.

Unrelated to animals, I tend to give generously to homeless people, no matter what story they give me.  Sure, they might go spend it on crack or something, but that is not for me to judge.  I have handed out 10’s and 20’s.  When I go to NYC, I literally bring cash in ten dollar bills just for this purpose.

I tip really well.  I gave a 100% tip to a guy a few weeks ago because I think being a server is one of the crappiest jobs ever.

I am NOT saying all this to say “Hey, look what a saint I am”.  I am saying this to emphasize the point that I have rarely actually done work or actively done something to help.  It is always monetary.  I do not even go out and buy the cat food, I order it online and have it shipped.  This is also NOT to say “I have lots of money” because oh, I so do NOT have a lot of money.  So really, take it for what I mean, which is that I rarely actively do something to change the world.  I like to think I have an effect with my cat food buying and stealthy spaying, but I have never volunteered at a food bank (ok, I actually have, but only 2 or 3 times in my life), I have never tutored underprivileged children, I have never mown the lawn of an elderly neighbor.  While it is my life’s most biggest importantest ambition and goal – to change the world – I have actually only done it by ordering things online or giving a homeless person ten bucks.

It is hard because when I look at it, I want to save EVERY ANIMAL.  The ones who need homes, the ones who are scared, even wild animals who might not be entirely happy for whatever reason.  I want to do some huge sweeping thing where BOOM, all the animals are happy.  But I also want to do that for humans, to a lesser extent.

I still have not done anything huge, BUT, I have done something more active and it seems to have worked.  Also it turns out some kid did this in Texas before me, so I am not as original or thoughtful as I thought.

I have a friend named Dawn who is a couponing fiend.  She can walk into a store and come out with $100 worth of stuff, and they end up owing her money.  So I thought, hey, if she did that and got all kinds of “portable” food (items that can be eaten without having a home to eat them in), that could be neat.  Dawn is so good at this that I gave her a “starting fund” of $100, she delivered three huge Rubbermaid bins of food, and I am fairly certain she has about $80 left.

Then I thought, I have all kinds of friends who knit and crochet.  They could make scarves and hats and blankets and things, and if we were to give that to a homeless person, that could be neat, too.

Then I thought, I bet people would also look for these deals Dawn finds, and maybe contribute.

All that led to this group of people creating gift bags for homeless people.  We gathered all of the donations at my place of employment, and after about three weeks, this is what we had:

 

I mean, that’s a shit ton, right?!  It was awesome.  Embrace people helped, Half Price Books donated the tote bags, and friends donated items.  We also had about 5 coats not shown in the video.  I assembled my team of volunteers and my mom put together like, 35 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while Sabrina the Human, my brother David and my nieces and I all put together the bags.  Here is a picture of the volunteers….with my cat’s face on my nieces because we do not share them on social media.  But I do share my cat. I think this picture is framable.

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This is how many bags we made.  There were two sandwiches in each bag, a bottle of water, many packs of peanut butter crackers and granola bars and nuts and canned fruit (with a pull tab, so no opener is needed), some individual packs of Kleenex, Neosporin and wipey things, and some combination of a hat, a scarf, and socks.

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We packed up Hamster Car and went downtown in search of homeless people.  The problem was, it was pouring rain, so there were not a lot of people milling about.  We decided to go to the Bishop Cosgrove Center because he is dead now and he was my mom’s cousin and he did the marriage for my mom and dad since my dad is Jewish and couldn’t get married in the Catholic Church.  We thought that would be good as ancestors of Bishop Cosgrove to give them our bags and they could give them to people who go there.  But they were closed and locked up.  Then we drove towards the Flats where there are a lot of bridges and maybe homeless people would be under the bridges.  Before we got there, we saw a guy crossing the street with a sign around his neck that said he was homeless, so I whipped Hamster Car in to a side street, parked and ran after him.  MY version of running, which was sort of plodding along at an only slightly faster rate than normal.  I followed him into the library and stopped him and he was happy to get a bag and surprised and I said “Do you know where I could find more….people who….maybe could use a bag?”.  That was me trying not to say “Where do the homeless people gather, oh wise and singular homeless man that I have found”.  He directed me to a homeless shelter, so off we went.  We found another homeless man on the way and gave him a bag.

At the shelter David, Sabrina the Human and I were deciding who should go in and who should stay with the kids in the car.  I said David should stay with the kids because he knows Ju Jitsu and could kill someone if he needed to.  Then I jokingly said “Wait, Sabrina shouldn’t go, she’s too attractive and it’s a men’s shelter”.  I either jinxed her or predicted the future, because she definitely got attention.  The guy at the desk inside said that another guy would help us bring in the bags, and the other guy did.  I was carrying the coats and some bags, and a “gentleman” walked right up to Sabrina the Human and literally looked straight at her boobs and then looked her up and down and said things.  Sabrina the Human said “Alright, move along” and I, in my heroic act of the day, gently shoved my coats between her and the guy.  It was extremely aggressive and threatening of me, and I am sure he felt my power.

We went back out to leave, and Sabrina the Human’s “friend” was out there and he went straight to her while his friend, Robert Lee as he introduced himself, came to me and asked if I would drive him to his mom’s house.  I said no.  He asked if he could call her and I actually did not have my phone in my pocket, so I said so.  We were detained for a minute or two before my brother, in Hamster Car, realized we were not talking to homeless shelter employees/volunteers, but to homeless guys who were not letting us go.  He got out of the car and rescued us.

I am going to insert some comments about my brother, here.  Everyone knows, I worship Dan Folino.  But I also hold my brother in very high esteem and always have.  He is not forthcoming with communication or texting or using words.  Any word said to me is like, reassurance that he actually does like me.  For him to get out of the car to rescue me is, like, huge.

Anyway, they were very thankful even though 20 bags for 500 guys in a shelter is not much, but now we know where to go to find individual homeless people in the future.

And then also one of our fish at work died and the other fish were eating her.  Here she is, dead.

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Sweet Dreams Are Made Of Peas.

I do not know the words to that song.  I know sweet dreams are made of something, I just do not know what.  I like peas, and it fits, so that is the new song.

I have very vivid and very emotionally intense dreams.  Not just every once in awhile, but every single night.  I have written about a dream once before, and I prefaced it with this same thing – I hate when people tell me about their dreams.  I understand that it was a very significant thing for you, but there is no way to convey that to someone who was not in your brain at the time.  I mean, unless it was a dream that predicted something, then that is just cool.

Anyway, here is the thing about my dreams.  They fall into one of a few categories.  I am going to try to distill the main points and not drone on about the details of my thematic dreams.

The Dead Pet/Dead Friend Dreams and Variations

–I think Sabrina Von Squishy is dead, but really she is not, and I find her too late and she is dying and I cannot save her

–I think Harry the Bunny is dead, but really he is not, and I find him too late and he is dying and I cannot save him

–I know that Catharine is staying at her parent’s house, but I cannot remember how to get a hold of her and eventually, I think she is dead, but really, she is still at her parent’s house.  Once I remember how to get a hold of her, it is too late and she is dying and I cannot save her. 

The AJ Dreams

–I run into AJ in a random place and he is with someone else, no one I know.  He demonstrates to this other person how he trained me, and I fall back into the trap of being tricked by him.

–I go to AJ’s house like (used to be) normal, and it is distorted in a “fun house” way, and I find AJ and he is laughing and telling me all the things he lied about, which in real life was everything, and in the dream is everything plus the fact that I was on a live feed and an audience was watching the entire thing.

–I go to AJ’s house and he is not there, but his mom is (his mom died several years ago).  I have had this dream three times, and each time, she and I had a very intimate conversation and it ended with her asking me to basically save AJ in terms of his soul and religion.  It is always left with an understanding that she knows it probably will not happen, but she still has hope.

More Catharine Dreams

–This part really happened, but is necessary background for the dream – one day I found Catharine in the laundry room of our apartment, crying uncontrollably because she was so depressed she could not function.  This episode (again, in real life) led to her going home to her parent’s and spending some time there.  I have weird holes in my memory – she could have been at her parent’s for a week, or three months, I have no concept of the time.  In the dream, that all happens, but Catharine leaves for years and never comes back to the apartment.  Similar to the other Catharine dream, I try to text her, but I cannot remember her phone number.

–I am on dialysis – this is a Catharine dream because she was on dialysis most of her life and it was a big part of how we functioned – dealing with her being “chained” to her bedroom 12 hours a day, or when she did dialysis in the hospital, I would go with her and read Harry Potter out loud to her while they drained her blood and put it back in.  So I often have dreams that I am on dialysis and that the fluid goes into my peritoneal thing, but I cannot get it out, and I am uncomfortable and bloated.

The Worst Possible Dream Ever

–This happened recently.  It is the worst ever thing that could have been dreamed.  My Catharine dreams centered around losing her, but were never malicious or mean – it was always just loss.  The AJ dreams are all based on him being manipulative and creating lies.  I finally had a dream where AJ’s personalty invaded Catharine, and it was Catharine who was lying and taunting me and laughing at me.

AJ invaded the untouchable memory of Catharine.  She was never mean and never tricked me or lied to me in real life or in a dream, and AJ’s dream person invaded her and made her do bad things.

So that is my subconscious right there.  It is all pretty straight forward, Catharine died and I found her and on December 21st it will be ten years and I still remember and feel it as intensely as if it were last week.  The same with Sabrina’s death.  And Harry the Bunny.  So all those dreams are focused on trying to save them, and failing.  That makes sense.

The AJ dreams make sense because the breaking point was when I found out he had a whole secret life filled with lies, and I had, many times, asked him “Do you have a secret life” and “I can tell you are lying about something” and he said no, no lies and no secret life.  The basis of us being able to be friends was that he would be nice to me, and that he would not lie.  That was all I asked.  I did not want details about anything, he did not have to check in with me or get approval from me, just do not lie to me.  So here he was, lying about lying.  That is what finally broke me.  His argument was “I’m allowed to have a private life”, and that is true, but that does not mean lying.  When you tell someone that you realize you have severely damaged them by lying for 6 years, and you promise not to lie again, and then you lie, you do not get the same kind of “private life” a normal person gets.  I do not care about details, I do not care who you are doing the nasty with, or how many different people, or how some of them have boyfriends.  I do not need those details.  All I needed was “Yes, I have a secret life right now, and yes, there are things I am hiding”.  Acknowledge that you are lying, do not lie about lying.  So all of my AJ dreams are based on intense lying because I am still so mad he had the gall to try to defend himself.

I do not have an explanation for the AJ Mom dreams but the most recent one came within a few days of me thinking I want to be a nun again.  I mean, not that I was a nun and I am going to be a nun again, I mean to say that I thought about being a nun for a long time and now I am thinking about it again.  But not really because I know it is not realistic.

I think maybe I want chocolate and peanut butter.

Here is a picture of a fat cat who was at a store we buy squirrel peanuts from.

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This is a picture of Mr. Meow Meow.  I fell asleep and woke up to him sitting on my chest with his mousey toy.

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