Travels With My Mom.

I updated the Quotes section, and the Dogs Eating Peanut Butter section!

My parents and I went to my brother’s house for Father’s Day.  We always drive separately because sometimes I stay later, but more importantly, I like to listen to my music while I drive.  And also, the three of us in a confined space for more than five minutes is enough to make us all crazy.

Today we all left at the same time, so I was driving behind my parents and we were both stopped at a stop sign.  My mom got out of my dad’s car and came to mine and got in.  She said she wanted to stop for ice cream and my dad did not want to.  Because this was different than the original plan, it threw me off.  Remember, it does not take much to throw me off.  My response was “Ok but now you are in my car and I wanted to listen to my music and you do not like it, so what am I going to do now?  This is why I drive, to listen to music, but now you are here”.  She gave me permission to listen to Green Day, and I really wish I could have recorded her commentary.  “They are very angry, aren’t they?” “This song is sad, are all the songs sad?” “Did you skip that song because you think I can’t handle them saying bad words?” (I skipped the song Fuck Time) and then finally, after me telling her she cannot smoke in my car, she went crazy and started head banging and “dancing”.  I told her she was going to throw a hip out or something, and she said “Then let me smoke”.  Then she wanted me to pull up next to a car that had a sticker thingy that said “Your stick family was delicious” and it was a T-Rex eating a stick family, and it was an awesome sticker, but she wanted to roll down the window and tell the person driving that it was an awesome sticker.  I do not allow that sort of interaction with other people, so I purposely stayed behind the car while my mom went insane next to me, yelling about how the lady driving needed to know that her sticker was appreciated.  It was VERY funny.

We got to the ice cream place and the kid taking the money asked if it was for here or to go, and my mom asked “What would you do if I said it was for here, and then I left?” and he said “Uhhh.  Nothing?” so she said “Well what you do if I said it was to go, and then I sat here?  There’s a tax, isn’t there?  For eating here?” and he said “Yeah, but I don’t think we’d do anything”.

We sat outside and drank our milkshakes and we were talking about these bumps she has developed that look like bug bites, but are not. My sister in law said that my mom should see a dermatologist, so I asked if she was going to go, and she said no.  She firmly believes that you are either alive or dead and there is no in between, so she refuses to go to the doctor.  I said “What if it is something you just have to take a pill for and they will go away, why would you let something annoying stay there?” and she said “I let you stay around, don’t I?”  BOOM!  Points for mom!

The drive home ended with her asking me to stop playing music, me telling her she is the reason I take pills for anxiety and her telling me that I am the reason she is crazy.  None of that is true, we actually like each other very much.  Though I do take pills for anxiety and she IS crazy, despite what she will tell you.

My nieces and I tried to train my dad how to do the Dubsmash app, and this is the closest we got to him talking at the pace of a teenage girl – it does not really match up, and we had to hold a cue card next to the phone so he could remember his line, but it is funny nonetheless.

I have some questions that need to be answered, so if you know the answer, please tell me.

1.  Why do all men lose their leg hair around their calves and ankles once they hit a certain age?
2.  Why does my cat only want to sit on me when I am actively trying to type on a computer, and never when I want him to come snuggle?  How does he know?
3.  Why do I always fall for click bait and get trapped on a website that makes me click “next” for every single sentence?  I want to know where these child stars are now, or why I won’t believe what happens next when a guy stands on his head and bakes cookies, or what is so creepy about these pictures – why can’t they just tell me?  Why do they have to make me click through every single thing?
4.  Why are Magnum ice cream bars the best thing ever in the world, what the hell do they put in those things?

My Arch Nemesis.

You think I am going to post about AJ, don’t you?  That is what you are expecting when I say I have an arch nemesis, but you know what?  You are wrong.  Though as a side note, AJ is getting closer to MY theater circles and it is unnerving.  He hates theater, hates theater actors, he thinks they overact and are horrible, and he will not even go into a theater without becoming angry.  And yet, his face shows up on my Facebook feed showing him at a theater event.  This is not ok.  If he shows up at American Idiot at the Beck Center, I will not be ok.  There may be fisticuffs.  Not really, though, I just wanted to say fisticuffs.

BUT – that is not the point of this post.

I take the exact same route to work every single day, and I always have.  I will not change my route because change is wrong and bad.  Part of my route involves a new….thing.  It is a speed thing that shows what speed you are going, which is fine.  I am ok with that.  But THIS speed thing also flashes blue and red police lights when you are significantly far away if it senses you are going too fast and it scares the crap out of me.  I like lights.  I can become mesmerized by police lights (as long as the sirens are not on, THAT I do not like).  I like things that light up, I like lights that move and do neat things.  I like lights.  I DO NOT like lights that I do not expect that appear to be police lights but are not properly on a police car.  They are on a sign.  They are unexpected and in the wrong place and they are on my route.

The first time I passed the Evil Lights I was going faster than the speed limit.  The Evil Lights catch you as you are coming over a hill, and you do not necessarily see the sign, you just see the disembodied lights start going.  The first time this happened, it startled me.  I do not do well with being startled.  It is, in fact, an insanely cruel act to startle me because it takes a lot of medication and time for me to become unstartled and to trust the world as I know it again.

Seeing as I take that same route every day, I knew I would encounter the Evil Disembodied Lights again.  I started driving really, really slowly so as not to piss them off.  I have managed to make it safely past for about two weeks now, but the fear remains.  What if I twitch and step too hard on the gas and it sets off the Evil Lights?  Anything can happen.

I would like to clarify that it is not a fear of police lights “catching” me, it is a fear of the lights being unexpected and in the wrong place and not on a police car.

Tonight I took a video and I purposely risked my life and went fast so the lights would go so that you can all see the terror.

See?  I let it go long enough to get a video and then I slowed down so they would stop.  People now hate me on that street because I drive about 20 miles an hour to avoid the Evil Lights.  Well, they also hate me because there are often deer, bunnies, turkey vultures, hawks and ground hogs on that road and I will stop to watch them.

One time on that very road just a few days ago there was a car coming in the opposite direction, and she was totally stopped.  I stopped, too, because if someone else is stopped, maybe that means I need to stop.  I looked where she was looking and there was a baby fox laying down in a circle like a cat.  We both sat and looked at the fox and then a car came up behind her and so she drove forward.  That gave me the prime opportunity to save the baby fox, so I parked my car and got out and said “Hello baby fox, I am here to save you”.  The baby fox got up and walked near a shrubbery, which meant that he did not need to be saved, he was not injured, he was just hanging out.  I got back in my car and sat there to watch him some more and an older man in a Cadillac drove up to me in the opposite direction and stared right at me and said “You’re stopped” and I said “I know”.  He said “Why are you stopped?” and I said “there’s a baby fox over there” and I pointed.  He did not even turn his head to look, he just kept staring at me.  Then he said “So?” and I said “I like him?” and he stared at me some more.  Then he said “You’re blocking traffic, you can’t do that.”  I looked behind me and there was no one there.  There was also no one behind him.  We were the only two cars.  So I said “There’s a baby fox”.  The man said “You should move, you are blocking traffic” and I said “I do not see any traffic and there is a baby fox”.  I pointed again to try to get him to look, and he did not.  He just said “Well you need to get out of the way” and he drove off.  There were still no other cars there.

I Have A Miracle Dad.

It is not my fault that I have been slacking so badly.  There were 6 weeks of my dad’s brain doing really crazy things and that was all chaotic and stuff.  The bottom line – he had a spinal fluid leak and it was really quite bad and we thought he was going to be a not talking not walking not moving person forever.  It was horrible.  This is what he was like for a long time, so you can see why I thought he was dying.

But he is almost totally fine now because they did a blood patch and that fixes things.  I’m serious.  Nearly totally fine.  95%.  The biggest problem is that he doesn’t trust himself because he was in a hospital bed without standing or walking for a month, so he thinks he is fragile now.  But look!  My Miracle Dad!

I just blamed my laziness on my convalescing dad, that was really bad. Everyone really knows this is the reason I never get anything done:

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The things I learned from this experience – it is NOT ok for my dad to not be around.  We stayed with him at the hospital for all but about 7 hours at night, mostly because they kept trying to kill him there (they made a lot of mistakes)(one that resulted in him being intubated and on a breathing tube for a week).  For a lot of the time he just laid there sounding like he was suffocating, like that first video.  He does not remember anything from that time, which is probably good.  Then he had to lie there with the tube in his throat and he could not talk and he had to point to letters to spell things out.  They had to put a feeding tube in his stomach and a central line in his chest and like, a million IVs.  He could not sit up because if he sat up he basically lost consciousness – all the goo went from inside his head to somewhere else and it made his brain sink down and then he could not function.  He also does not remember being taken by ambulance to the hospital, or the two weeks he was at home after his first hospital stay (they thought they fixed it that first time, but they did not).  He does not remember getting stuck with me and him in the bathroom because he was so out of it I was physically holding him up and he could not do anything.  He does not remember us using the computer chair to transport him during the times when he was semi-functional but not really.  I still think it is good he does not remember all that.

I bought 19 tickets to see American Idiot at The Beck Center.  I love Green Day.  And then guess what?  Out of NOWHERE – I am telling you, out of the COMPLETE FREAKING BLUE – Green Day announces they are doing a show in Cleveland in like, two weeks.  TWO WEEKS.  I really assumed I would never see them in concert because Billie Joe would always be in rehab or dead.  I accepted this fate a long time ago when I missed the last concert that they ended up canceling anyway.  I joined the fan club so that I could get pre-sale tickets, right?  Brilliant move on my part.  I sat watching the countdown before 10am today and the SECOND they went on sale, I was there selecting my seats.  It kept telling me no, Darcy, you cannot have tickets.  Two minutes later, every pre-sale ticket was gone.  GONE.  Now I have to try to get tickets like a normal person at 10am tomorrow.

I wore my shirt inside out and backwards at work a few days ago and everyone laughed at me but then I did not have time to switch it so I had to sit in a meeting like that and I was talking about Very Important Things and Melissa (Hi Melissa) could not control herself she was laughing so hard at me and I finally said “I KNOW MY SHIRT IS WRONG!”  The sad part is, this is not the first time I have done that.

I did a quote for a pet named Butt Butt.

I will be entering new quotes very shortly, so you should keep an eye on that.

My friend Steve fixed my iMac and he lives in Pennsylvania and I live in Ohio and he did not come here in person, he fixed it from Pennsylvania.  The hard drive died completely and he managed to un-die it and restore everything and I think that is really very impressive, so I sent him Cheryl and Company cookies – I can say that without ruining the surprise of cookies because he refuses to read my blog.  He will get 12 cookies a month for the next year.

Ben and Jerry’s has a new flavor called Boom Cocolatta and oh my gosh, it is the best thing ever.  EVER.  You know that chocolate fudgy crunchy stuff in the middle of a Dairy Queen ice cream cake?  It is just like that.

I am going to go eat a pint of ice cream now.

 

Brains And Shit And Also The Oscars.

This post probably should have been two posts, but it is just one post, so fair warning – dramatic topic switch midway through.

As everyone knows, I have had a lot of brain stuff going on in my life lately.  My dad’s brain had a bleed and he had to get holes drilled in his head to get the goo out.  He is recovering from that (*updated the day after I initially wrote this post – today is not a good day for him, send happy thoughts) I have posted all about that on Facebook, so I will leave out the details.  But the one thing I want to say is that when I posted “send me pictures of your pets for my dad” on FB, the response was amazing!  I know some really seriously caring and kind people, and they all have extremely cute pets!

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More brain stuff, though – I am listening to the audiobook The Sociopath Next Door.  One of the main points was that normal people cannot even fathom what it is like to not have a conscience.  I took that as a challenge, because I can imagine just about anything.  The extent of my imagination is so huge that I can actually change my mood by making myself believe something happened, even if it did not.  It is hard to describe, but I can get very deeply involved in my head (and yet I cannot be hypnotized even though I desperately want to be).

So I have been trying my hardest to imagine not having a conscience and what I would do if I just had no remorse, guilt, fear of consequences or regret.  I can’t do it!  I really cannot do it – every scenario I come up with, I just cannot fathom not caring about what I would be doing to someone else.

My question to you -and most people answer my questions on Facebook, so it is fine not to comment on this post but to comment on Facebook – are you able to imagine yourself without a conscience?  Can you imagine just NOT having remorse or guilt?  Is this something anyone is capable of, or if you are a conscientious person, is it impossible?  Do you have to be a sociopath to even imagine not have a conscience?  This is all very confusing to me.

It has been a long time since I have had any contact with AJ, and that is good and I am glad, but I have not stopped thinking about how extreme everything was and how much he just did not care, because it is so hard for my brain to wrap around.  Even though I logically understand that he is not capable of remorse, sincerity or honesty, I still expect an apology letter that is sincere and honest and remorseful.

He has zero guilt or remorse.  That means he does whatever he wants.  He is free to do ANYTHING.  He can have anything he wants, he can get it any way he wants, and he does not have to live with any feelings about it.  I am kind of jealous of that life.

But – if I had that power to not care or feel remorse – I still do not think I would do anything bad.  It is not the fact that I feel remorse or care about people that keeps me from doing bad things, it is that I would just not want to do bad things.  Even if I could get away with it in terms of my own mental processing of things, I would have no desire to cheat and lie.

So that means that sociopaths also want to hurt people, right?  Or is it that they just want things that they should not have and do not care how they get it?  I think I might be on to something.  Since AJ is the only sociopath that I know, I am going to keep using him as an example.  I think he did not set out thinking “I would like to hurt Darcy”, I think he thought “I want lots of girlfriends and it does not matter how I get them”.  Similarly, he thought it was ok to “censor” his dad’s email and keep tabs on his dad with “Find my iPhone”, not because he wanted to be mean to his dad, but because it benefited AJ to know what his dad was doing without his dad knowing, and he did not care that it was invading his dad’s personal life.  I was not the only girl he cheated on, so that even furthers the thought that it was not “I want to hurt Darcy” or “I want to hurt Brandi” (the other girl he cheated on)(that I know of, but I’m sure there were more), but “I want everything and I do not care how I get it”.  What a weird way to live life.

ALL OF THAT IS TO SAY – if you had no conscience, would you have any desire to get away with things?  That is what I want people to answer!  Bear in mind, I am not saying “If you could do something and NOT HURT someone by doing it”, you would still be potentially hurting someone.  You just would not feel remorse about it.  Is your brain capable of imagining this?

In other news, I am watching the Oscars.  Here are my thoughts.

Bradley Cooper is extremely attractive.
NPH is awesome.
Bradley Cooper is still extremely attractive.
I do not like Adam Levine singing falsetto.
I like Adam Levine’s bow tie.
The commercial for Once Upon a Time is very exciting to me.
Chris Pine is also very attractive.
J Lo should not wear a dress the same color as her skin, it is weird.
It was funny when NPH sang “He won an Oscar, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba”
Men in Hollywood are short (or possibly the women are very tall).
Everything is Awesome = Awesome.
Oh, there is Bradley Cooper again and guess what – he is EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE.
The Alzheimer’s song was very sad.
NPH was very nekkid.
Oh hey Chris Evans.
There he is.  Bradley Cooper.  Being attractive.
Jared Leto totally just wiped something off of Patricia Arquette’s face.
Why have I not seen Jennifer Lawrence yet?
Peeta!
I feel like I am not seeing enough famous people, what is up with that?
I mean, really, even when they pan across the audience, I do not recognize anyone.  Give me famous people, damn it.
I think of Robin Williams almost daily and I still feel that loss as if I knew him.
Jennifer Hudson is so skinny, omg.
Glory was really cool and I liked how everyone marched in slow motion in unison.
Idina Menzel and John Travolta were awesome and I love her and she is pretty and flawless, and he looked human again.
WHOA GAGA!!!!!  I love her and I loved her performance… but….Idina was RIGHT THERE, why didn’t they have HER sing?  A much more appropriate comparison to Julie Andrews.
Eddie Murphy’s greatest role = Donkey in Shrek.
It is taking a really long time to get to the famous people.
I wanted Oprah to say “And YOU get an Oscar!  And YOU get an Oscar!”
The Imitation Game writer guy is adorable and I love him.
I love NPH still.
Still no famous people.

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Toilet Paper

Whoa dude, it has been one long ass time since I posted anything, right?  The thing is, I only post when I am angry, annoyed, inspired by something….or my parents have done something especially insane.  So it has been pretty boring lately?  Not really, but just not interesting enough to post, I guess.  I have some new quotes (see the quotes section), and the thing that inspired today’s post – parental videos.  

Specifically, my parents have gone insane over toilet paper.  

Oh but wait, before I do that, I have to say that I am really annoyed at Jenny McCarthy…again.  She convinced a bunch of mindless people that vaccines cause autism, right?  Then she is on her reality show, which I only watch because Donnie Wahlberg, and she is handling raw chicken – just putting her hands all the hell over that stuff – and then she touched her phone, her computer, HER MOUTH, and basically everything in her kitchen.  So she is totally ok with contaminating her family with raw chicken germs, but not ok with vaccinating them.  I never thought she was a smart person, but, just ew.  That is gross.  I wash my hands after looking at raw chicken, and then periodically during the chicken cooking process and then after I have eaten the freaking chicken.  

Ok but then my parents are crazy. 

Then, there is the only time my dad used the F-Bomb.  Not in the video.  The video is just my mom telling the story about my dad dropping the F-Bomb about toilet paper. 

And last but not least, the science behind everything. 

I hate it when Artie on Glee raps. 

My dad hid my water bottle in the back of the refrigerator, and strategically placed a bunch of stuff in front of it.  When I said “Where is my water bottle” he said “It’s in the refrigerator” and it took me five minutes to find it.  I said “You did that on purpose”.  He said “There’s too much stuff in there, you can’t find anything, there’s nowhere to put anything”.  I could probably link to about ten posts where I have discussed my dad’s insanity about the refrigerator and freezer being too full.  The thing is, they are not full.  There is plenty of room.  I have about 6 bottles of flavored water and that is enough to drive him insane.  Then I have my water bottle that is refillable.  That is the one he hid. 

The thing about my parents is that if you are not actively using something AT THAT MOMENT, they think it needs to be thrown out.  My mom even made an entire “cleaning system” based on this.  I am totally serious.  Back in the 80’s – the very early 80’s – she was on tv and everything for “Maureen’s Method”.  People purchased it.  The number one thing was if you have not used something in a year, you get rid of it.  I am not by any means a hoarder, I do not have a lot of things, but I have things that I have not used in a year and still want to keep!  I do not actively read every book I own, but that does not mean I will not want to reread a book in a year or two.  Plus, it is physically impossible to read like, 800 books at one time.  It just is.  It is impossible.  So I am not going to just get rid of everything, that is crazy.  

I made scrambled eggs for a dog we were dog sitting, and she did not eat them.  I put them in the fridge.  My mom said “You’re never going to use those” and I said “Yes I am” and she said “You aren’t, you are going to put them in there and they will just sit there, either use them or throw them out”.  So I threw out a giant plate of scrambled eggs.  A few hours later, it was time for the dog to eat again, so I made new scrambled eggs.  I said “It sure would be nice if I had leftover eggs to microwave” and my mom insisted that she never said that and the incident never happened and that I just went crazy and threw out eggs.  

My dad enforces the “not actively using something at that moment” ideal by taking things like coffee cups 3/4 full that you were drinking but set down for a minute because you do not chug coffee, and he takes them and puts them in the dishwasher.  You made the mistake of not actively drinking that coffee.  He has done that to people at parties and gatherings of all sorts.  

My cat is adorable. 

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This cat is also super cute, and he is up for adoption!  You may adopt him, just comment here and I will tell you how.  

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