I Did An Experiment.

I am constantly seeking new ways to prove I am utterly unique and no one can even begin to keep up with my amazingness, and my most recent way was to do an experiment.  I thought it would be a laugh, and now I am stuck paying some stupid amount of money every month all for my funny experiment because I thought it would make a great blog if I joined E-Harmony and posted about how no one matches with me.

I am adding a caveat because I had a friend read this first, and she said it will make people sad for me.  So I want to say, I know that I have a hard time thinking like most of you, but remember that most of you probably do not think like me – so this stuff does not make me sad, I really and truly do not want to date and I like to limit the number of people I interact with.  That being said….

What actually turned out even more funny are the people they tried to match with me.  I was completely 100% honestly myself in my profile, I provided many pictures and did everything just as they old me to.  I did not want this to be funny because I made it fake, the whole point is to prove that NO ONE can match my level of awesome.

As you can imagine, my profile features my love of animals, books and theater, Green Day, Joshua Bell and saints;  it is very clear that I like to be indoors at all times and there is no question that I appreciate Netflix.

I have been matched with men in full camo hunting gear;  guys who drive, like, dirt bike things in the mud;  fishermen;  camping people;  guys who say “the last book I read was probably in junior high”;  people without high school diplomas (not that there is anything wrong with that, to each his own);  people with children (my hatred for children is also very clear); and finally, many aged 50+ men of a variety of ethnicities that I do not think would appreciate my particular lifestyle, tattoos, love of saints and Jewish father/ex-nun mother.

I diligently looked at every profile to find SOME connection – anything at all.  Of the very few people that even “matched” with me at all, none actually had anything in common with me.  No one even attempted to contact me.  There were plenty of views of my profile, so that means that they read about my awesome self and did not find anything in common, just as much as I found their profiles completely unappealing and average.  But there is no doubt in my mind, and this is why I set out on this mission in the first place, that the reason they could not “connect” to me is because I am morally superior, more interesting, more unique, and more dynamic than they are.

Here is where I say for the record, had someone contacted me, I would have thanked them and told them that I do not date, and I was doing an experiment, and all that.  I would not be a jerk to anyone or hurt their feelings.

But anyway, I paid something like $150 to prove what I already knew and for that reason, the irony of me being a dumbass to prove how superior I am is highlighted in all its glory.  That is the story of my life!  I am a complete and total moron, but I am a morally superior and unique moron.  And that $150 would have paid for my left forearm tattoo (or at least a good bit of it), but instead I tried to prove how awesome I am.

Oohhhh, the stupidity!  I LOVE IT!

In other news, I accidentally told a very nice guy at work that he has resting bitch face, which was not an appropriate thing to say at all and I feel really bad about it.

I shouted at a young adult that I saw her in a show and that she was adorable.  My exact words were “OH I saw you in Godspell, you were adorable!  You are so freaking adorable!” and then I turned suddenly and left.

I was talking to a person and another person came up and started talking to him but I did not know Person B, so I sort of stood there for awhile until I interrupted Person B mid sentence and said “I am not really sure what to do here, because I want to leave but I am not really sure if I am part of this conversation or not, so I am just going to leave and let it be awkward”.  It was, indeed, awkward.

Please enjoy this picture of A Desk Hazel, courtesy of Josh who Snapchatted this picture, and I learned to take a screenshot of it so I can keep it.  Snapchat makes no sense to me.

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That Is Not A Dog.

I posted this on Facebook, but I am posting it here because there is a trend to my animal interactions.

I saw a stray dog, so I pulled over in a parking lot to save him and I was standing by my car talking to him (he was far away) when a lady said “Honey, you know that’s a coyote, right?” and my response was “I thought it was a doggy”.

That is not the first time I, Darcy the Friend to All Animals, thought an animal was the wrong species.

One time I was talking to my mom on the phone while driving, which in and of itself is a rare event, and I said “Oh!  An otter just crossed the street!” when what I actually saw was a possum.

When we were Amish hunting, I shouted “Look at all the little white dogs!” at a herd of sheeps.

I saw a fox for the first time a few years ago and thought it was a weird looking cat.

The bottom line is, for as much time as I spend looking at cute pictures of animals and trying to save them and pet them, I really should be better at identifying them.  I might make some flash cards, and my nieces can make fun of me as they quiz me.  I mean, and also I am 38 and should really be able to name them at this point.

Also, I went to Noah’s Lost Ark (go give them money) with my dad and saw “a baby horsie” (i.e. a donkey), sheeps, lions, tigers, bears, monkeys, a bison, a blind horse who had a seeing eye horse, goats, a Coyote Dog hybrid (please do not hybrid coyotes and dogs), deers, and a kitty that somehow was hybrided with a lion or something, and it made a kitty who had no idea what he was and he was scared and rescues would not take him and so Noah’s Lost Ark did.  They are a great place.  They take animals that idiots tried to keep as pets (because black bears make great house pets), and they cannot be returned to the wild, so they are in this sanctuary.  Oh and I saw an Emu.  And you cannot pet these animals (except the goats and sheeps and donkeys), and you cannot be loud and you cannot yell at the animals and they take very good care of them.  I do not like zoos, but I like this place.

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The first two pictures – are those the same kind of animal?  I do not know.

 

The World SORT OF Revolves Around Me.

You may recall I wrote a blog about how the world revolves around me.  I still really believe that.  I came SO CLOSE to having definitive proof, but it turned out to only be sort of definitive proof.   Try to follow this.

My friend Jane is from Pennsylvania and she is visiting me in Cleveland.  In Cleveland, as you may know from my obsessing, we have The Beck Center.  Jane, Sabrina the Human and I went to the Beck Center to see American Idiot and we posed with Mr. Beck, the founder of the Beck Center.  I posted the picture on Facebook.

11755655_10155793753640109_1468085545505852710_nThat is the picture.  I tagged Sabrina the Human, Jane, me, and then I tagged Mr. Beck as Dan Folino because I thought that was funny.  There was nothing to indicate where we were or who that guy is.  Jane has a friend, and I do not know how she feels about me posting her name, so I am just going to make up the parts that are not important.  Her name is Lisa Beck-Jones.  So her maiden name is Beck.  She posts on my picture, which she could see because I tagged Jane, “why are you posing with my Pop Pop?”.

I immediately freaked out thinking she is actually related to Mr. Beck, and to me, that confirmed that no one can exist without having some connection to me.  The Beck Center would not exist, Jane would not exist, and Jane’s friend Lisa Beck-Jones would not exist were it not for ME.

Within the span of 5 minutes I found out that Lisa Beck-Jones was joking, that is NOT her Pop Pop and I thought oh, that disproves my theory.  It still made sense to me, though, because her maiden name is Beck and we were at the Beck Center and posing with Mr. Beck.  So why would she NOT make a joke about her Pop Pop?

HERE IS WHY SHE WOULD NOT MAKE A JOKE ABOUT THAT BEING HER POP POP.  She had no way of knowing where we were or who that was.  She RANDOMLY made a joke about that being her Pop Pop and her maiden name HAPPENS to be Beck and that HAPPENS to be a portrait of Mr. Beck.

So even though I do not have the definitive proof I was looking for, I feel I have very strong supporting evidence that not a single one of you can exist without some connection to me.

Ergo, the world revolves around me.

Thank you.

Sometimes I Require Attention.

For the most part, I hang out by myself and I am ok with that.  I do not always like talking out loud, so that means I am not a big fan of being social.  I really spend quite a lot of time by myself with no human interaction.

I like my friend Sabrina the Human because when I am with her she just talks and talks and talks, so I do not have to say anything.  I like her for a lot of other reasons, too, but I said that to her the other day and it was funny.  Normally I do not actually get to see Sabrina the Human that much but because I am currently obsessed with the Beck Center production of American Idiot, and she lives right down the street, I get to see her a lot.  Here is a picture of us laying on the cement in the parking lot because it was a nice night and it felt like the right thing to do.

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Some of the people that I sometimes require attention from include:  All Of The Animals, my brother, Dan Folino, Billie Joe Armstrong, Robert Downey Jr., Dave from Half Price Books and Amiee Collier.  Two of those people are local actors who I really like, one is related to me, two are super famous and will not actually ever pay attention to me and the rest are All Of The Animals.  There are a lot of people who will happily pay attention to me whenever I want and this is not to say that this list of people is somehow better or more interesting – possibly more elusive.  For once I do not know how to explain something.

But anyway, my brother is busy and he does not like to text, so we go weeks without even saying hi to each other.  I sometimes text him a lot of things and then he tells me I text too much.  Then sometimes he will text back “Hi” or I will say “Hi this is your sister remember me?” and he will say “What?  Who is this?” and I think that is very funny and then that is how I know he loves me.

Animals really tend to pay a lot of attention to me because I carry treats with me at all times, but not all of them like to be grabbed and squished, which is what I prefer.  I take what I can get.

Dan Folino is very accepting of my chronic need for attention, and I told him this even though I was told I should not inflate his ego more than necessary, but I consider writing to Dan Folino via Facebook message to be like writing to God – sometimes he grants you a reply and you live in his glory, and sometimes you just talk and know in your heart of hearts that he is listening and just does not have the time to respond.  For the past year, since it was announced that Beck would be doing American Idiot and that Dan Folino would be in it, I have been very needy in my attention.  I have offered All Of The Advice since I am clearly the expert on Green Day and how Dan Folino should best be showcased.  I even insulted Dan Folino twice by accident and he granted me his forgiveness because he knows I am basically a social moron and that I did not mean to insult him.  One time I said he looked like a predator though, and I felt really bad about that one.  He does not look like a predator.

Amiee Collier is extremely nice and she has a dog named Buckley who is excessively cute, so she sort of falls into both categories – the need for attention from All Of The Animals and the Amiee Collier fandom.  She puts up with me, too.

Billie Joe Armstrong and Robert Downey Jr. are not my BFFs yet, but I am not giving up hope.

Dave from Half Price Books only sometimes pays attention to me, but again, I take what I can get.

I also like when I get attention at work, if I do something particularly good or smart.  That is always good attention.

And recently, my obsession was highlighted because – bear with me on this – I really believe I am invisible.  Not invisible like magic, but I do not believe people notice me or see me despite the fact that my hair is currently bright red and has, in the past, been purple, blue and pink.  I still think people do not notice me so I thought nothing of the fact that I was in the audience of American Idiot for basically 5 or 6 out of the 7 shows they have done so far.  The cast is very young, so I will be referring to them as “kids”.  By this I mean I am legitimately old enough to be their mother.  One of the kids, Kyle Burnett, came up to me after one of the shows and said he thought I might be a figment of his imagination because he kept seeing me and no one believed I was real.  He was sweet as all get out and I wanted to adopt him to become the twin brother of my already adopted work daughter, Xena.  Anyway, he has been doing a vlog for the Cleveland production of American Idiot, and it is really cute – he interviews the cast members and shows some behind the scenes stuff.  So you should go check out his videos here.  Start with the first one and go in order.

If you are in Cleveland, go see American Idiot.  And if you happen to know Billie Joe Armstrong or Robert Downey Jr., please let them know that I would like some attention.

Travels With My Mom.

I updated the Quotes section, and the Dogs Eating Peanut Butter section!

My parents and I went to my brother’s house for Father’s Day.  We always drive separately because sometimes I stay later, but more importantly, I like to listen to my music while I drive.  And also, the three of us in a confined space for more than five minutes is enough to make us all crazy.

Today we all left at the same time, so I was driving behind my parents and we were both stopped at a stop sign.  My mom got out of my dad’s car and came to mine and got in.  She said she wanted to stop for ice cream and my dad did not want to.  Because this was different than the original plan, it threw me off.  Remember, it does not take much to throw me off.  My response was “Ok but now you are in my car and I wanted to listen to my music and you do not like it, so what am I going to do now?  This is why I drive, to listen to music, but now you are here”.  She gave me permission to listen to Green Day, and I really wish I could have recorded her commentary.  “They are very angry, aren’t they?” “This song is sad, are all the songs sad?” “Did you skip that song because you think I can’t handle them saying bad words?” (I skipped the song Fuck Time) and then finally, after me telling her she cannot smoke in my car, she went crazy and started head banging and “dancing”.  I told her she was going to throw a hip out or something, and she said “Then let me smoke”.  Then she wanted me to pull up next to a car that had a sticker thingy that said “Your stick family was delicious” and it was a T-Rex eating a stick family, and it was an awesome sticker, but she wanted to roll down the window and tell the person driving that it was an awesome sticker.  I do not allow that sort of interaction with other people, so I purposely stayed behind the car while my mom went insane next to me, yelling about how the lady driving needed to know that her sticker was appreciated.  It was VERY funny.

We got to the ice cream place and the kid taking the money asked if it was for here or to go, and my mom asked “What would you do if I said it was for here, and then I left?” and he said “Uhhh.  Nothing?” so she said “Well what you do if I said it was to go, and then I sat here?  There’s a tax, isn’t there?  For eating here?” and he said “Yeah, but I don’t think we’d do anything”.

We sat outside and drank our milkshakes and we were talking about these bumps she has developed that look like bug bites, but are not. My sister in law said that my mom should see a dermatologist, so I asked if she was going to go, and she said no.  She firmly believes that you are either alive or dead and there is no in between, so she refuses to go to the doctor.  I said “What if it is something you just have to take a pill for and they will go away, why would you let something annoying stay there?” and she said “I let you stay around, don’t I?”  BOOM!  Points for mom!

The drive home ended with her asking me to stop playing music, me telling her she is the reason I take pills for anxiety and her telling me that I am the reason she is crazy.  None of that is true, we actually like each other very much.  Though I do take pills for anxiety and she IS crazy, despite what she will tell you.

My nieces and I tried to train my dad how to do the Dubsmash app, and this is the closest we got to him talking at the pace of a teenage girl – it does not really match up, and we had to hold a cue card next to the phone so he could remember his line, but it is funny nonetheless.

I have some questions that need to be answered, so if you know the answer, please tell me.

1.  Why do all men lose their leg hair around their calves and ankles once they hit a certain age?
2.  Why does my cat only want to sit on me when I am actively trying to type on a computer, and never when I want him to come snuggle?  How does he know?
3.  Why do I always fall for click bait and get trapped on a website that makes me click “next” for every single sentence?  I want to know where these child stars are now, or why I won’t believe what happens next when a guy stands on his head and bakes cookies, or what is so creepy about these pictures – why can’t they just tell me?  Why do they have to make me click through every single thing?
4.  Why are Magnum ice cream bars the best thing ever in the world, what the hell do they put in those things?