Sweet Dreams Are Made Of Peas.

I do not know the words to that song.  I know sweet dreams are made of something, I just do not know what.  I like peas, and it fits, so that is the new song.

I have very vivid and very emotionally intense dreams.  Not just every once in awhile, but every single night.  I have written about a dream once before, and I prefaced it with this same thing – I hate when people tell me about their dreams.  I understand that it was a very significant thing for you, but there is no way to convey that to someone who was not in your brain at the time.  I mean, unless it was a dream that predicted something, then that is just cool.

Anyway, here is the thing about my dreams.  They fall into one of a few categories.  I am going to try to distill the main points and not drone on about the details of my thematic dreams.

The Dead Pet/Dead Friend Dreams and Variations

–I think Sabrina Von Squishy is dead, but really she is not, and I find her too late and she is dying and I cannot save her

–I think Harry the Bunny is dead, but really he is not, and I find him too late and he is dying and I cannot save him

–I know that Catharine is staying at her parent’s house, but I cannot remember how to get a hold of her and eventually, I think she is dead, but really, she is still at her parent’s house.  Once I remember how to get a hold of her, it is too late and she is dying and I cannot save her. 

The AJ Dreams

–I run into AJ in a random place and he is with someone else, no one I know.  He demonstrates to this other person how he trained me, and I fall back into the trap of being tricked by him.

–I go to AJ’s house like (used to be) normal, and it is distorted in a “fun house” way, and I find AJ and he is laughing and telling me all the things he lied about, which in real life was everything, and in the dream is everything plus the fact that I was on a live feed and an audience was watching the entire thing.

–I go to AJ’s house and he is not there, but his mom is (his mom died several years ago).  I have had this dream three times, and each time, she and I had a very intimate conversation and it ended with her asking me to basically save AJ in terms of his soul and religion.  It is always left with an understanding that she knows it probably will not happen, but she still has hope.

More Catharine Dreams

–This part really happened, but is necessary background for the dream – one day I found Catharine in the laundry room of our apartment, crying uncontrollably because she was so depressed she could not function.  This episode (again, in real life) led to her going home to her parent’s and spending some time there.  I have weird holes in my memory – she could have been at her parent’s for a week, or three months, I have no concept of the time.  In the dream, that all happens, but Catharine leaves for years and never comes back to the apartment.  Similar to the other Catharine dream, I try to text her, but I cannot remember her phone number.

–I am on dialysis – this is a Catharine dream because she was on dialysis most of her life and it was a big part of how we functioned – dealing with her being “chained” to her bedroom 12 hours a day, or when she did dialysis in the hospital, I would go with her and read Harry Potter out loud to her while they drained her blood and put it back in.  So I often have dreams that I am on dialysis and that the fluid goes into my peritoneal thing, but I cannot get it out, and I am uncomfortable and bloated.

The Worst Possible Dream Ever

–This happened recently.  It is the worst ever thing that could have been dreamed.  My Catharine dreams centered around losing her, but were never malicious or mean – it was always just loss.  The AJ dreams are all based on him being manipulative and creating lies.  I finally had a dream where AJ’s personalty invaded Catharine, and it was Catharine who was lying and taunting me and laughing at me.

AJ invaded the untouchable memory of Catharine.  She was never mean and never tricked me or lied to me in real life or in a dream, and AJ’s dream person invaded her and made her do bad things.

So that is my subconscious right there.  It is all pretty straight forward, Catharine died and I found her and on December 21st it will be ten years and I still remember and feel it as intensely as if it were last week.  The same with Sabrina’s death.  And Harry the Bunny.  So all those dreams are focused on trying to save them, and failing.  That makes sense.

The AJ dreams make sense because the breaking point was when I found out he had a whole secret life filled with lies, and I had, many times, asked him “Do you have a secret life” and “I can tell you are lying about something” and he said no, no lies and no secret life.  The basis of us being able to be friends was that he would be nice to me, and that he would not lie.  That was all I asked.  I did not want details about anything, he did not have to check in with me or get approval from me, just do not lie to me.  So here he was, lying about lying.  That is what finally broke me.  His argument was “I’m allowed to have a private life”, and that is true, but that does not mean lying.  When you tell someone that you realize you have severely damaged them by lying for 6 years, and you promise not to lie again, and then you lie, you do not get the same kind of “private life” a normal person gets.  I do not care about details, I do not care who you are doing the nasty with, or how many different people, or how some of them have boyfriends.  I do not need those details.  All I needed was “Yes, I have a secret life right now, and yes, there are things I am hiding”.  Acknowledge that you are lying, do not lie about lying.  So all of my AJ dreams are based on intense lying because I am still so mad he had the gall to try to defend himself.

I do not have an explanation for the AJ Mom dreams but the most recent one came within a few days of me thinking I want to be a nun again.  I mean, not that I was a nun and I am going to be a nun again, I mean to say that I thought about being a nun for a long time and now I am thinking about it again.  But not really because I know it is not realistic.

I think maybe I want chocolate and peanut butter.

Here is a picture of a fat cat who was at a store we buy squirrel peanuts from.

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This is a picture of Mr. Meow Meow.  I fell asleep and woke up to him sitting on my chest with his mousey toy.

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I Have Some Concerns.

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That is me at the White House.  I called upon President Obama to present to him the ideas of Dartopia, and he agreed it is a fantastic idea and said for me to go ahead with it.

What happens to the animals in NY where 7 feet of snow was dumped?  Are they all buried in the snow?  Were they able to dig themselves out?  Did they suffocate under the weight of the snow?  Are raccoon and squirrel and bunny nests and dens filled in with snow and they cannot get out?  Are kitties frozen under the piles of snow?  What about animals at zoos?  When the snow melts are they going to find millions of dead animal bodies, or were the animals all able to save themselves?

That is one of my concerns.  Here is another.

Sinkholes.  My friend Jewel says not to worry about sinkholes, but oh, I do worry.  They happen with no warning, just all of a sudden your entire house is 60 feet underground.  Is there a way to tell if a sinkhole is going to happen in my area?  Are there sinkhole free locations?  I do not want to get sucked into the earth and buried alive.  One of my biggest fears is being buried alive.  I hyperventilated at the Broadway show Aida because the two main people get buried alive at the end.  I could not breathe.  What if I die but I am not really dead and I get put in the People Burner to get cremated and I wake up and I am on fire?  That is a legitimate possibility.  Oh wait, I went from sinkholes to cremation, those are not related.  Do you know why they are not related?  Because when you get sucked into a sinkhole THEY CANNOT FIND YOUR BODY SO IT CANNOT BE CREMATED.

I also have concerns, as usual, about crazy terrorist people.  I am scared of them and I do not know why they have to keep beheading people.  That is horrible.  Why do people keep going to them to get beheaded?  What are they doing there?

I am also concerned because of the last 8 or so showers I have taken, 6 of those times there has been a really big spider waiting for me.  It is a different spider every time because I kill them with various implements each time.  This last time it was my razor.

This is a concern that I have had for a long time but I have never mentioned it.  I am concerned that I am going to die alone.  Not just die alone, but grow old alone.  Not that I want to get married, I just mean alone that I do not want kids, so I will not have kids to take care of me when I have Alzheimer’s and I am blind and possibly missing all my limbs, and I do not have a husband to do that, nor do I want one.  In theory my parents will die before me, which will leave me all alone in my house which means I could drop over dead and it might be days before anyone would know and what would my cat do?  And I am concerned because long term use of Klonopin increases the chance for Alzheimer’s by 50%.  But without Klonopin, these concerns are magnified by 8 million.

I am also concerned that I will run out of money when I am very old.  What happens then?  What do people who run out of money do?  It is highly unlikely I could get a job at age 80, and of course, I will be living by myself so no one will be able to give me any money, and then I will not be able to buy my various medications and then I will die.

Those are my concerns.  If you have any solutions, please tell me.  Thank you.

 

Ham Hams And Foster Kitties.

My niece is getting a hamster for her birthday.  Hamsters shall forthwith be called Ham Hams or Hammies.  Anyway, I called dibs on buying the cage for the Ham Ham.  So I bought this double level cage with tubes and then a smaller cage and the Hammie can have a living area and a nest area and an eating area and all kinds of areas.

I would like a Hammie of my own but have been forbidden by my parents because I am 38 and an adult and that makes sense.  I am living vicariously through my niece.

What I really want is a work Hammie, but a lot of people work there now, and I would want it to be MY Ham Ham.  I do not share well.  You may recall Ken the Vicious Bite Hamster, he was my former work Hammie.  Also we now have foster cats at work and I think they would enjoy watching a Ham Ham (through a secure window).

I take the foster kitties on field trips to visit our fish tank.  Of the three kitties we’ve had, two have enjoyed that and one was horrified by that.  One kitty was adopted and now we have two together and they are friends and will be adopted together.

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You want the kitties.  Adopt the kitties.  Do it now.  The top one is Emmie and the bottom one is Teegan but he is a boy even though he has a girl’s name, and his head tilts and it is super cute.

I have started listening to the podcast Welcome to Night Vale and I really like it and it is really funny.  If you do not listen to it, you should start.  Then you can report back to me about how much you love it.

If you would like to adopt Teegan and Emmie for real, contact the Berea Animal Rescue Fund

My Dad Shrunk My Fancy Work Shirt.

I have been posting on Facebook for weeks now about how horrified I am that I have to buy grown up clothes for some upcoming work travel.  I wear the same thing every day – jeans and a black tee shirt and a hoodie.  I have 7 pairs of the same jeans, 10 of the same long sleeved back tee shirt, and 10 of the same short sleeved black tee shirt. I do not own clothes other than these.  So when I found out that I had to dress “business casual” for work trips, I freaked.

I actually found out on my way to New York, and spent my entire vacation saying to everyone I met “I have to wear grown up clothes for work and I don’t own any”.  Clothes are a big deal for me.  Whether or not I am actually “on the spectrum”, one of the very common things is that I am super particular about what I wear in terms of the way it feels and the way it fits.  If something is even slightly too tight, it will change my entire day and how I act and how I am able to function.  This is why I wear clothes a size too big.  But, as Catharine used to say, it looks like I am wearing a garbage bag, so there is nothing professional looking about wearing a size too big.  I cannot stand any fabric that is not stretchy jeans or cotton.

Part of my business casual is an official button down shirt with my company’s name on it.  It is very fancy.  I was happily surprised because it felt nice.  It also fit on the large size.  I put it in the washing machine with the intent of air drying it because my work tee shirts all shrunk two sizes in the dryer.  When I do laundry, for two loads, it can take me around 8 hours.  I do not rush back to the washer to switch the clothes, etc.  My dad, on the other hand – if he hears the washer stop, which he always does, I hear “YOUR LAUNDRY NEEDS TO BE SWITCHED” from the other room.  I say “OK DO NOT WORRY, I WILL DO IT”.  And I will.  But I have never had the chance because within 5 minutes my dad is up and switching my laundry.  Usually I hear him and can tend to it, but I did not hear him this time.  I was taking out recycling when I noticed the dryer was on and the washer was running again.  I pulled out my Fancy Work Shirt and lo and behold, it was completely dry, and two sizes smaller.  I can wear it unbuttoned with a shirt underneath, but the shoulders and arms shrunk and are SO TIGHT AND UNCOMFORTABLE I WILL DIE.

Hopefully I can wear the business casual wardrobe I ordered online, which consists of four pairs of identical black pants and four identical “blouses”.  Not shirts.  That is how I knew they were fancy, they are called “blouses”.  They look like long sleeved tee shirts with a few buttons down the front, so I think I will be able to tolerate them.  Here is a picture.

Business Casual Shirt

I will report back on my wardrobe issues while I travel, as I am sure there will be many.

Sociopath Series Part IV.

Ok, I guess I didn’t make it without another one.

For your reference, here is Part I, Part II and Part III.

Someone mentioned to me something about AJ the other day, and it made me angry and resentful again.  It is not something I dwell on 100% of the time anymore – more like 70% of the time.  Possibly even 60%.  It is usually a passing thought, but when this person mentioned AJ, I got really angry.  At first I thought I was angry because he seems to be having some success in life – I have absolutely no idea if that is true or in what way it might be true, it was literally a fleeting statement that AJ had to “travel to film something”.  That came up because I am still missing AJ’s cats and I am still assuming (and probably correctly) that he leaves them alone often.  I said to this person that I have that fear of the cats being left alone a lot.  THAT came up because I recently read a post on a pet website that said you absolutely should not leave your cats alone for more than 24 hours because something can happen that, if someone was there, could be fixed, but if the cat is alone for more than a day, could kill them.  Like, they can get a blockage which you can catch and fix, but if they go 48 hours without someone noticing it (or without someone there to see it) it could cause them to die a slow and painful death.  So I was worried about AJ’s cats because my assumption (and again, I am probably correct) is that he is finding ladies and staying at their apartment/house for as long as he dates them.  Or even just spending a few nights with them.  Either way, I think it is safe to assume his cats are alone for extended periods of time.

NONE of that is the point.  I THOUGHT I was mad that he might be having success, but I am not mad, I don’t wish for anything bad to happen to him at all, and it would be fine with me if he were happy and successful.  I wouldn’t say “he deserves it” because he doesn’t, but he has gone most of his life being unhappy and not having personal success at anything, so I would not be opposed to that happening for him.  It took me a long time to figure it out, but I am angry because I still expect him to be remorseful for what he did, and I know he isn’t at all.  He doesn’t have a conscience, he doesn’t have the ability to feel remorseful.  He knows to say he’s sorry and that he feels terrible, but that doesn’t mean anything to him.  I want him to feel the depth of what he’s done and feel remorse.  THAT is why I got angry.

If I significantly messed up someone’s life for a long period of time and literally changed their core personality by my actions, I could not live with myself for the guilt.  I would spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to them.  But then, I am not the type to mess up someone’s life.  I guess if you are the type to do that, you are NOT the type to feel horrible about it.  I just logicked myself out of something.

Anyway…in my rage and anger, I did not want to post a blog or on FB about it because people have been hearing a lot about it.  So I started looking at the Post Secret community message boards.  I thought, hey, anonymous posting and maybe someone will say something to make me feel better.  In part of my post I said that there is “obviously” something about me that “allowed” all this to happen.  This is the response someone posted, and I think it is so insightful and well written that I am stealing it and posting it here.  I don’t know who posted it because it is an anonymous community, but here is what they wrote:

it’s called grooming.

and what you first noticed wasn’t him being a full-blown sociopath, what you first noticed was small, just a little social flaw that everyone can have. So you can shrug it off, or maybe you even bring it up. You talk to them about whats ok and not and boundaries and respect. And everything is fine. And then something else happens, something small. Now you have been together for a while longer, so bringing it up feels awkward, you had such a good talk last time and you know he isn’t usually like that, and besides, who would love you like him? Then it starts being more commonplace, every other day might find you with an unwelcome surprise, but you hardly notice the small flaw that you first reacted to. And he says hes sorry, and he kisses you and shows you he loves you and why shouldn’t you believe in that?

and then one day you wake up and realize he lies about everything, and you are ashamed. Ashamed for being fooled, ashamed that you have been so led astray, ashamed that you could fall for such a class act. And it hurts and you are also ashamed that you didn’t see all this before now and still as the shame burns you your heart betrays you.

but it is an unequal equation. YOU are reacting as a human being, HE is not.

 

That is such an accurate way of saying it (and in far fewer words than I use!).

About the “grooming”.  Here is the definition of grooming in terms of abusive relationships:

Grooming is the predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior.

 

When AJ was going to sex offender classes, even though he is NOT a sex offender (part of his probation was that he had to go), part of the class was learning about “grooming”.  He had to come up with what he did to groom his victim (the 15 year old girl he had an extended relationship with).  The problem was, his victim was a willing participant who actually made the first moves and advances, he didn’t even need to do any grooming.  I was involved in a lot of the grooming discussions because it was so hard to apply it to his situation.  At the time, this was still early enough in our relationship that I thought this one cheating offense was a one time thing, I did not even recognize the “grooming” of me.  It never occurred to me that it applied to me.  It totally did, I was absolutely groomed, but I didn’t even recognize it while it was staring me in the face.  And that is sort of the point of “grooming”, the victim doesn’t know it is happening…apparently even if they are helping a groomer to look for signs of grooming.

So my new realization is that I do not hate AJ, I do not want bad things to happen to him, I just want him to truly feel remorse for what he did and like, become a priest devoted to God and serving the poor to make up for his actions.  Something utterly unselfish to say “I am a new person and I want to make up for my selfishness”.  And yet again, one of the major themes through our relationship is that he would always tell me how awful he felt when he did something, and how he’ll never do it again and how great I am and how he loves me and wants me to stay in his life….but his actions never once matched his words.  I will have to put away that vision of him becoming a priest.