I Might Have Helped Change A Small Part Of The World.

I am always disappointed because I cannot change the world.  It is a really hard thing to do.  There is a lot to change and it is hard to know what to do or where to begin.  So far I have tried to change the world by rescuing animals, or by donating money to animals, or by buying cat food for people I do not actually know, or by forcibly taking people’s cats and getting them spayed and finding homes for the kittens – speaking of which, if you live anywhere near the Cleveland area, this kitty is the last one who needs a home from a group of kitties I took from someone.  This is the mom kitty, and her kittens have all been adopted.  I can vouch that she is super sweet and adorable, so click this link, and if you live anywhere remotely near me, I will even deliver her to you.  Like, really, I will drive 4 or 5 hours to bring you this kitty if you will give her a good home.  Click here to see the kitty. 

Her name is Darcy.  It was originally Moo, but they already had a kitty named Moo, so they named her after me.

Unrelated to animals, I tend to give generously to homeless people, no matter what story they give me.  Sure, they might go spend it on crack or something, but that is not for me to judge.  I have handed out 10’s and 20’s.  When I go to NYC, I literally bring cash in ten dollar bills just for this purpose.

I tip really well.  I gave a 100% tip to a guy a few weeks ago because I think being a server is one of the crappiest jobs ever.

I am NOT saying all this to say “Hey, look what a saint I am”.  I am saying this to emphasize the point that I have rarely actually done work or actively done something to help.  It is always monetary.  I do not even go out and buy the cat food, I order it online and have it shipped.  This is also NOT to say “I have lots of money” because oh, I so do NOT have a lot of money.  So really, take it for what I mean, which is that I rarely actively do something to change the world.  I like to think I have an effect with my cat food buying and stealthy spaying, but I have never volunteered at a food bank (ok, I actually have, but only 2 or 3 times in my life), I have never tutored underprivileged children, I have never mown the lawn of an elderly neighbor.  While it is my life’s most biggest importantest ambition and goal – to change the world – I have actually only done it by ordering things online or giving a homeless person ten bucks.

It is hard because when I look at it, I want to save EVERY ANIMAL.  The ones who need homes, the ones who are scared, even wild animals who might not be entirely happy for whatever reason.  I want to do some huge sweeping thing where BOOM, all the animals are happy.  But I also want to do that for humans, to a lesser extent.

I still have not done anything huge, BUT, I have done something more active and it seems to have worked.  Also it turns out some kid did this in Texas before me, so I am not as original or thoughtful as I thought.

I have a friend named Dawn who is a couponing fiend.  She can walk into a store and come out with $100 worth of stuff, and they end up owing her money.  So I thought, hey, if she did that and got all kinds of “portable” food (items that can be eaten without having a home to eat them in), that could be neat.  Dawn is so good at this that I gave her a “starting fund” of $100, she delivered three huge Rubbermaid bins of food, and I am fairly certain she has about $80 left.

Then I thought, I have all kinds of friends who knit and crochet.  They could make scarves and hats and blankets and things, and if we were to give that to a homeless person, that could be neat, too.

Then I thought, I bet people would also look for these deals Dawn finds, and maybe contribute.

All that led to this group of people creating gift bags for homeless people.  We gathered all of the donations at my place of employment, and after about three weeks, this is what we had:

 

I mean, that’s a shit ton, right?!  It was awesome.  Embrace people helped, Half Price Books donated the tote bags, and friends donated items.  We also had about 5 coats not shown in the video.  I assembled my team of volunteers and my mom put together like, 35 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while Sabrina the Human, my brother David and my nieces and I all put together the bags.  Here is a picture of the volunteers….with my cat’s face on my nieces because we do not share them on social media.  But I do share my cat. I think this picture is framable.

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This is how many bags we made.  There were two sandwiches in each bag, a bottle of water, many packs of peanut butter crackers and granola bars and nuts and canned fruit (with a pull tab, so no opener is needed), some individual packs of Kleenex, Neosporin and wipey things, and some combination of a hat, a scarf, and socks.

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We packed up Hamster Car and went downtown in search of homeless people.  The problem was, it was pouring rain, so there were not a lot of people milling about.  We decided to go to the Bishop Cosgrove Center because he is dead now and he was my mom’s cousin and he did the marriage for my mom and dad since my dad is Jewish and couldn’t get married in the Catholic Church.  We thought that would be good as ancestors of Bishop Cosgrove to give them our bags and they could give them to people who go there.  But they were closed and locked up.  Then we drove towards the Flats where there are a lot of bridges and maybe homeless people would be under the bridges.  Before we got there, we saw a guy crossing the street with a sign around his neck that said he was homeless, so I whipped Hamster Car in to a side street, parked and ran after him.  MY version of running, which was sort of plodding along at an only slightly faster rate than normal.  I followed him into the library and stopped him and he was happy to get a bag and surprised and I said “Do you know where I could find more….people who….maybe could use a bag?”.  That was me trying not to say “Where do the homeless people gather, oh wise and singular homeless man that I have found”.  He directed me to a homeless shelter, so off we went.  We found another homeless man on the way and gave him a bag.

At the shelter David, Sabrina the Human and I were deciding who should go in and who should stay with the kids in the car.  I said David should stay with the kids because he knows Ju Jitsu and could kill someone if he needed to.  Then I jokingly said “Wait, Sabrina shouldn’t go, she’s too attractive and it’s a men’s shelter”.  I either jinxed her or predicted the future, because she definitely got attention.  The guy at the desk inside said that another guy would help us bring in the bags, and the other guy did.  I was carrying the coats and some bags, and a “gentleman” walked right up to Sabrina the Human and literally looked straight at her boobs and then looked her up and down and said things.  Sabrina the Human said “Alright, move along” and I, in my heroic act of the day, gently shoved my coats between her and the guy.  It was extremely aggressive and threatening of me, and I am sure he felt my power.

We went back out to leave, and Sabrina the Human’s “friend” was out there and he went straight to her while his friend, Robert Lee as he introduced himself, came to me and asked if I would drive him to his mom’s house.  I said no.  He asked if he could call her and I actually did not have my phone in my pocket, so I said so.  We were detained for a minute or two before my brother, in Hamster Car, realized we were not talking to homeless shelter employees/volunteers, but to homeless guys who were not letting us go.  He got out of the car and rescued us.

I am going to insert some comments about my brother, here.  Everyone knows, I worship Dan Folino.  But I also hold my brother in very high esteem and always have.  He is not forthcoming with communication or texting or using words.  Any word said to me is like, reassurance that he actually does like me.  For him to get out of the car to rescue me is, like, huge.

Anyway, they were very thankful even though 20 bags for 500 guys in a shelter is not much, but now we know where to go to find individual homeless people in the future.

And then also one of our fish at work died and the other fish were eating her.  Here she is, dead.

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Sweet Dreams Are Made Of Peas.

I do not know the words to that song.  I know sweet dreams are made of something, I just do not know what.  I like peas, and it fits, so that is the new song.

I have very vivid and very emotionally intense dreams.  Not just every once in awhile, but every single night.  I have written about a dream once before, and I prefaced it with this same thing – I hate when people tell me about their dreams.  I understand that it was a very significant thing for you, but there is no way to convey that to someone who was not in your brain at the time.  I mean, unless it was a dream that predicted something, then that is just cool.

Anyway, here is the thing about my dreams.  They fall into one of a few categories.  I am going to try to distill the main points and not drone on about the details of my thematic dreams.

The Dead Pet/Dead Friend Dreams and Variations

–I think Sabrina Von Squishy is dead, but really she is not, and I find her too late and she is dying and I cannot save her

–I think Harry the Bunny is dead, but really he is not, and I find him too late and he is dying and I cannot save him

–I know that Catharine is staying at her parent’s house, but I cannot remember how to get a hold of her and eventually, I think she is dead, but really, she is still at her parent’s house.  Once I remember how to get a hold of her, it is too late and she is dying and I cannot save her. 

The AJ Dreams

–I run into AJ in a random place and he is with someone else, no one I know.  He demonstrates to this other person how he trained me, and I fall back into the trap of being tricked by him.

–I go to AJ’s house like (used to be) normal, and it is distorted in a “fun house” way, and I find AJ and he is laughing and telling me all the things he lied about, which in real life was everything, and in the dream is everything plus the fact that I was on a live feed and an audience was watching the entire thing.

–I go to AJ’s house and he is not there, but his mom is (his mom died several years ago).  I have had this dream three times, and each time, she and I had a very intimate conversation and it ended with her asking me to basically save AJ in terms of his soul and religion.  It is always left with an understanding that she knows it probably will not happen, but she still has hope.

More Catharine Dreams

–This part really happened, but is necessary background for the dream – one day I found Catharine in the laundry room of our apartment, crying uncontrollably because she was so depressed she could not function.  This episode (again, in real life) led to her going home to her parent’s and spending some time there.  I have weird holes in my memory – she could have been at her parent’s for a week, or three months, I have no concept of the time.  In the dream, that all happens, but Catharine leaves for years and never comes back to the apartment.  Similar to the other Catharine dream, I try to text her, but I cannot remember her phone number.

–I am on dialysis – this is a Catharine dream because she was on dialysis most of her life and it was a big part of how we functioned – dealing with her being “chained” to her bedroom 12 hours a day, or when she did dialysis in the hospital, I would go with her and read Harry Potter out loud to her while they drained her blood and put it back in.  So I often have dreams that I am on dialysis and that the fluid goes into my peritoneal thing, but I cannot get it out, and I am uncomfortable and bloated.

The Worst Possible Dream Ever

–This happened recently.  It is the worst ever thing that could have been dreamed.  My Catharine dreams centered around losing her, but were never malicious or mean – it was always just loss.  The AJ dreams are all based on him being manipulative and creating lies.  I finally had a dream where AJ’s personalty invaded Catharine, and it was Catharine who was lying and taunting me and laughing at me.

AJ invaded the untouchable memory of Catharine.  She was never mean and never tricked me or lied to me in real life or in a dream, and AJ’s dream person invaded her and made her do bad things.

So that is my subconscious right there.  It is all pretty straight forward, Catharine died and I found her and on December 21st it will be ten years and I still remember and feel it as intensely as if it were last week.  The same with Sabrina’s death.  And Harry the Bunny.  So all those dreams are focused on trying to save them, and failing.  That makes sense.

The AJ dreams make sense because the breaking point was when I found out he had a whole secret life filled with lies, and I had, many times, asked him “Do you have a secret life” and “I can tell you are lying about something” and he said no, no lies and no secret life.  The basis of us being able to be friends was that he would be nice to me, and that he would not lie.  That was all I asked.  I did not want details about anything, he did not have to check in with me or get approval from me, just do not lie to me.  So here he was, lying about lying.  That is what finally broke me.  His argument was “I’m allowed to have a private life”, and that is true, but that does not mean lying.  When you tell someone that you realize you have severely damaged them by lying for 6 years, and you promise not to lie again, and then you lie, you do not get the same kind of “private life” a normal person gets.  I do not care about details, I do not care who you are doing the nasty with, or how many different people, or how some of them have boyfriends.  I do not need those details.  All I needed was “Yes, I have a secret life right now, and yes, there are things I am hiding”.  Acknowledge that you are lying, do not lie about lying.  So all of my AJ dreams are based on intense lying because I am still so mad he had the gall to try to defend himself.

I do not have an explanation for the AJ Mom dreams but the most recent one came within a few days of me thinking I want to be a nun again.  I mean, not that I was a nun and I am going to be a nun again, I mean to say that I thought about being a nun for a long time and now I am thinking about it again.  But not really because I know it is not realistic.

I think maybe I want chocolate and peanut butter.

Here is a picture of a fat cat who was at a store we buy squirrel peanuts from.

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This is a picture of Mr. Meow Meow.  I fell asleep and woke up to him sitting on my chest with his mousey toy.

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I Have Some Concerns.

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That is me at the White House.  I called upon President Obama to present to him the ideas of Dartopia, and he agreed it is a fantastic idea and said for me to go ahead with it.

What happens to the animals in NY where 7 feet of snow was dumped?  Are they all buried in the snow?  Were they able to dig themselves out?  Did they suffocate under the weight of the snow?  Are raccoon and squirrel and bunny nests and dens filled in with snow and they cannot get out?  Are kitties frozen under the piles of snow?  What about animals at zoos?  When the snow melts are they going to find millions of dead animal bodies, or were the animals all able to save themselves?

That is one of my concerns.  Here is another.

Sinkholes.  My friend Jewel says not to worry about sinkholes, but oh, I do worry.  They happen with no warning, just all of a sudden your entire house is 60 feet underground.  Is there a way to tell if a sinkhole is going to happen in my area?  Are there sinkhole free locations?  I do not want to get sucked into the earth and buried alive.  One of my biggest fears is being buried alive.  I hyperventilated at the Broadway show Aida because the two main people get buried alive at the end.  I could not breathe.  What if I die but I am not really dead and I get put in the People Burner to get cremated and I wake up and I am on fire?  That is a legitimate possibility.  Oh wait, I went from sinkholes to cremation, those are not related.  Do you know why they are not related?  Because when you get sucked into a sinkhole THEY CANNOT FIND YOUR BODY SO IT CANNOT BE CREMATED.

I also have concerns, as usual, about crazy terrorist people.  I am scared of them and I do not know why they have to keep beheading people.  That is horrible.  Why do people keep going to them to get beheaded?  What are they doing there?

I am also concerned because of the last 8 or so showers I have taken, 6 of those times there has been a really big spider waiting for me.  It is a different spider every time because I kill them with various implements each time.  This last time it was my razor.

This is a concern that I have had for a long time but I have never mentioned it.  I am concerned that I am going to die alone.  Not just die alone, but grow old alone.  Not that I want to get married, I just mean alone that I do not want kids, so I will not have kids to take care of me when I have Alzheimer’s and I am blind and possibly missing all my limbs, and I do not have a husband to do that, nor do I want one.  In theory my parents will die before me, which will leave me all alone in my house which means I could drop over dead and it might be days before anyone would know and what would my cat do?  And I am concerned because long term use of Klonopin increases the chance for Alzheimer’s by 50%.  But without Klonopin, these concerns are magnified by 8 million.

I am also concerned that I will run out of money when I am very old.  What happens then?  What do people who run out of money do?  It is highly unlikely I could get a job at age 80, and of course, I will be living by myself so no one will be able to give me any money, and then I will not be able to buy my various medications and then I will die.

Those are my concerns.  If you have any solutions, please tell me.  Thank you.

 

Ham Hams And Foster Kitties.

My niece is getting a hamster for her birthday.  Hamsters shall forthwith be called Ham Hams or Hammies.  Anyway, I called dibs on buying the cage for the Ham Ham.  So I bought this double level cage with tubes and then a smaller cage and the Hammie can have a living area and a nest area and an eating area and all kinds of areas.

I would like a Hammie of my own but have been forbidden by my parents because I am 38 and an adult and that makes sense.  I am living vicariously through my niece.

What I really want is a work Hammie, but a lot of people work there now, and I would want it to be MY Ham Ham.  I do not share well.  You may recall Ken the Vicious Bite Hamster, he was my former work Hammie.  Also we now have foster cats at work and I think they would enjoy watching a Ham Ham (through a secure window).

I take the foster kitties on field trips to visit our fish tank.  Of the three kitties we’ve had, two have enjoyed that and one was horrified by that.  One kitty was adopted and now we have two together and they are friends and will be adopted together.

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You want the kitties.  Adopt the kitties.  Do it now.  The top one is Emmie and the bottom one is Teegan but he is a boy even though he has a girl’s name, and his head tilts and it is super cute.

I have started listening to the podcast Welcome to Night Vale and I really like it and it is really funny.  If you do not listen to it, you should start.  Then you can report back to me about how much you love it.

If you would like to adopt Teegan and Emmie for real, contact the Berea Animal Rescue Fund

My Dad Shrunk My Fancy Work Shirt.

I have been posting on Facebook for weeks now about how horrified I am that I have to buy grown up clothes for some upcoming work travel.  I wear the same thing every day – jeans and a black tee shirt and a hoodie.  I have 7 pairs of the same jeans, 10 of the same long sleeved back tee shirt, and 10 of the same short sleeved black tee shirt. I do not own clothes other than these.  So when I found out that I had to dress “business casual” for work trips, I freaked.

I actually found out on my way to New York, and spent my entire vacation saying to everyone I met “I have to wear grown up clothes for work and I don’t own any”.  Clothes are a big deal for me.  Whether or not I am actually “on the spectrum”, one of the very common things is that I am super particular about what I wear in terms of the way it feels and the way it fits.  If something is even slightly too tight, it will change my entire day and how I act and how I am able to function.  This is why I wear clothes a size too big.  But, as Catharine used to say, it looks like I am wearing a garbage bag, so there is nothing professional looking about wearing a size too big.  I cannot stand any fabric that is not stretchy jeans or cotton.

Part of my business casual is an official button down shirt with my company’s name on it.  It is very fancy.  I was happily surprised because it felt nice.  It also fit on the large size.  I put it in the washing machine with the intent of air drying it because my work tee shirts all shrunk two sizes in the dryer.  When I do laundry, for two loads, it can take me around 8 hours.  I do not rush back to the washer to switch the clothes, etc.  My dad, on the other hand – if he hears the washer stop, which he always does, I hear “YOUR LAUNDRY NEEDS TO BE SWITCHED” from the other room.  I say “OK DO NOT WORRY, I WILL DO IT”.  And I will.  But I have never had the chance because within 5 minutes my dad is up and switching my laundry.  Usually I hear him and can tend to it, but I did not hear him this time.  I was taking out recycling when I noticed the dryer was on and the washer was running again.  I pulled out my Fancy Work Shirt and lo and behold, it was completely dry, and two sizes smaller.  I can wear it unbuttoned with a shirt underneath, but the shoulders and arms shrunk and are SO TIGHT AND UNCOMFORTABLE I WILL DIE.

Hopefully I can wear the business casual wardrobe I ordered online, which consists of four pairs of identical black pants and four identical “blouses”.  Not shirts.  That is how I knew they were fancy, they are called “blouses”.  They look like long sleeved tee shirts with a few buttons down the front, so I think I will be able to tolerate them.  Here is a picture.

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I will report back on my wardrobe issues while I travel, as I am sure there will be many.