I Should Not Be Allowed To Interact With People Or Use The Internet

I have been trying for three days to upload this video of AJ and me (myself?) in our acting debut. It was actually a scene from The Owl and the Pussycat that AJ was working on with his acting coach. AJ said, hey, we need a chick for a few read thru’s. I said, hey, ok. Little did I realize I was actually meant to perform with AJ on a stage in front of people, and memorize lines, and wear my pajamas, and be a whore. AJ is an actor. I am not. I am a person who hides if anyone tries to look at me. This is not the best example of his work because the part we did was very dependent on Doris (me) being funny, psychotic and a whore. To see AJ’s real acting, you should go to www.ajnovak.com.

Anyway, uploading the video. I tried uploading it on here, and it said NO. YOU MAY NOT DO THIS. I tried it two more times, thinking I could trick the internet, but it still said NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. So then I thought, I’ll upload it to You Tube and post a link! I AM SMART! I uploaded it to You Tube, which took all night, and when I woke up, I was all excited and I ran to my computer to see my video on You Tube. What did I see? I saw NO!!! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THIS! Today I tried splitting the video into three parts and putting them on here, thinking that smaller bits might be more acceptable to the Internet. The Internet, once again, said NO. So there’s no video up yet, but AJ will figure it out, and eventually you can see my really bad acting, lack of facial expression, and pajamas, all onstage, as a whore.

While I was arguing with the Internet about uploading a video, I was also making a very large purchase on E-Bay. I have not used E-Bay in many, many years. This means I have also not used Pay Pal in just as long. Did I remember that, and adjust things according to my new bank account and new address? Of course not – what did you think, I THOUGHT first?? So I purchased said Very Expensive Item using the Buy It Now feature, and I Pay Pal the guy. Key Bank, which I have not had an account with in over 5 years, didn’t really want to pay the man, but instead of just saying “You don’t have an account here, dumbass”, they said “You have to wait until December 14th.” I realized my mistake, and fixed the bank account and then paid the insane shipping fee. That went through just fine. But Pay Pal did not want to admit that I put on a new bank account and that it should stop trying to use the old one to pay for the Very Expensive Item. I did what any computer savvy, Internet Brilliant person would do. I frantically e-mailed the guy and told him what happened, and then I clicked Buy It Now on a SECOND Very Expensive Item of the same kind, thinking it will just bill me the right way for the first item. But no, that’s not how it works. I bought two Very Expensive Items. I paid for one, I have no idea which one but it doesn’t matter because they were the same Very Expensive Item, and now I have this other one dangling there, like, pay for me, bitch, you Bought Me Now.

I think I sent the poor man who is selling the Very Expensive Item about 15 frantic e-mails, all referring to myself as a dumbass. I am sure I have confused him and he doesn’t know what or how many to send me, and he’s probably foreign and doesn’t speak English well and I’ve represented our country poorly. I have no indication that he’s foreign other than that I spoke to two very foreign people on the phone today at work, so I just am assuming anyone who does not immediately understand me is foreign. You can just go ahead and insert your own sarcastic remarks here.

I am sure some people out there speak other languages fluently and here is what I want to know. You know how you could be talking to an Indian guy (from India, not here), and he can be saying words in English, but because of his accent, you have no idea what he is saying? Or maybe it’s just me with that problem. But I’m sure it’s not. Anyway, let’s say you spoke fluent French, but you have an American accent (we’ll say the Midwest/Cleveland accent, because I live here and we are known to have the least distinct accent of anyone ever in the world). If you speak French in France to French people with your Cleveland accent, is it hard for them to know what you are saying, even though you are saying the correct French words, because of your accent? Or is it because of your lack of French accent? Do I not understand Asian and Indian people because I do not have their accent, or because they do not have mine? I don’t know. Either way, answer the question about France.

What the hell, I can’t understand people from the Southern US half the time, let alone other countries. And Louisiana? Forget it