Look at me! I’ve been through a mid life crisis and I’m back now! Actually, I think it must have been a PRE mid life crisis because if it were a mid life crisis, I’d die at age 68, and I am hoping to live longer than that.
I soul searched, I climbed a mountain and meditated, I started doing meth, I went on a spiritual retreat, I did some experimental electroshock therapy, I balanced rocks and I created a Zen garden, and now I’m all better! Actually, no, I didn’t do any of those things. I didn’t even balance rocks which sounds like fun now that I’m thinking about it. What I did was lie in bed for very long periods of time wishing that my cat would stay on my bed with me instead of leaving every few hours. I also slept a lot. This gave me a lot of time to think about all the things that I figured were wrong, so let me say this right now, if you are planning on having a pre mid life crisis, the best thing to do is NOT lie in bed and give yourself time to think about all the things you are crisis-ing about.
In the midst of my crisis, my cousin Shannon needed to find a way to move all her belongings from Ohio to Virginia, and she did not want to drive a U-Haul. Being the experienced U-Haul driver that I am, I volunteered to drive it for her. And I really did drive one once, too. My friend Mary and I drove one from Cleveland Heights to Aurora to pick up a couch and a chair to put in my basement apartment that I lived in with Catharine. We got the stuff in the truck, drove to the apartment, and promptly got the couch stuck in the doorway of the apartment building. We didn’t know what to do, so we sat on the couch in the doorway for awhile. I can’t remember if I called my friend Jason who lived a few streets over, or if he happened to be walking by and saw us sitting on a couch that was stuck in a doorway, but either way, Jason showed up and shoved it through the door for us. So anyway, I clearly am skilled at driving a U-Haul. The problem was figuring out how to get me back to Ohio, because I certainly am not going to live in Virginia. I’m sure it’s nice, but it gets hot there, and I hate hot. Also, you know, it’s Virginia. I’m sure it’s very nice. Anyway. Getting me back to Ohio. Lots of plans and ideas, but we settled on Shannon buying me a one way ticket on an airplane back to Cleveland. I went to priceline.com and had William Shatner fight for my ticket price, and then naturally, I bought a one way ticket from Richmond, Virginia to New York City. This was when I decided I was going to take a vacation and go to New York City by myself. Yes, after I bought the ticket is when I decided. Don’t judge me.
So now I’m flying by myself into JFK International airport. Have I mentioned I’ve flown a handful of times in my life and most of those times had something go catastrophically wrong? The first time I was 5 and I had the chicken pox and my family was going to Disney World. My parents said “We had that vacation planned for months, we weren’t about to cancel it just because you had the chicken pox”. So I spent my Disney World vacation crawling on the floor of the hotel because I had chicken pox on the bottoms of my feet and couldn’t walk, and going to the Denny’s that was next to the hotel and eating pancakes. The one day I made it to Disney World I spent the entire time repeatedly riding “It’s a Small World” until my mom’s head was going to explode. And then my brother got the flu and threw up all over the place. I haven’t been to Disney World since.
The next time I flew I was 16 and we were taking a lovely Easter vacation as a family to Las Vegas, the holiest of all places to go on Easter. This is when I discovered I get motion sickness. Very. Severe. Motion Sickness. At a layover in Minnesota I freaked out, cried and begged my parents to either leave me in Minnesota or send me on a bus back to Cleveland, I absolutely refused to get on another airplane. Plans were made, bus schedules were looked at and then I was drugged, knocked out, put on the plane and the next thing I knew, I was in Vegas. Then a guy tried to give my 19 year old brother a prostitute flyer and my mom yelled at the guy and chased him away. And then we went to Circus Circus and my family dispersed all around the building and I was asked to leave because I was 16 and not with my parents, so I spent a good few hours standing outside waiting for someone to realize I wasn’t there.
I flew to Atlanta when I was 32, and with the correct combination of a stuffed Moose, Klonopin and Dramamine, I was juuussttt fiinnneeee. Oh wait, I flew to Vegas one more time before Atlanta. That was also a good combo of drugs and a Moose, and it featured noise canceling headphones. Steve, Mary and I took turns wearing them, and when Mary had them on, I ate a bite sized Hershey bar, and she turned to me and YELLED (she had no concept of how loud anything was with the headphones on), with a Southern accent (she’s not Southern and doesn’t remember purposely doing an accent), “YOU SMELL ALL CHOCOLATEY” on an otherwise very quiet airplane.
So what was I saying? Probably something about going to NYC by myself. Oh yeah, on an airplane by myself to one of the largest airports ever in the universe. By myself. Klonopin, Moose, Dramamine. I’m good. I hope my luggage doesn’t get sent to Haiti or something.
I have been taught how to check for bed bugs, which I had not thought of until I told Mary I was going to NYC and she said “But Darcy, what about bed bugs?” and now that’s all I can think about. If I find bed bugs, my plan is to gather all my things and run out of the room before any of the bugs can jump on me or my stuff, and proceed in a calm but quick manner to the lobby where I will yell “THERE WERE BUGS ON THE BED I CANNOT POSSIBLY STAY IN THIS HOTEL”. I will then proceed to a much fancier hotel and max out my credit card if I have to, because fancy hotels can’t possibly have bed bugs. I’m not exactly staying at a crap hotel, it’s a Hilton Garden Inn. Ok, technically I haven’t made the reservations yet, but that’s where I intend to stay. And the reason I will shout my preplanned sentence is because I figure they won’t charge my credit card for ditching my reservations if I yell that.
The moral of today’s story? Don’t lie in bed while you are having a midlife crisis, maybe plan out your vacations before you buy plane tickets, and never go to Disney World with chicken pox. And if you are a 19 year old boy and go to Vegas, don’t take my mom or she’ll yell at all the foreign prostitute card hander outers and embarrass you.