The Yellow Ones Don’t Stop

My first full day all by myself in New York City! Go me! I survived moving trucks and airplanes, had a healthy dinner of fried items in a comedy club, and found my way back to my hotel all by my lonesome.

What was in store for me on my second day? Starbucks, of course. Of the 9 that were within leaping distance, I chose the one to the left. Yeah, I have no idea what street it was on and I figure it doesn’t really matter.

After I got my coffee, I planted myself on a wall right in front of the TKTS booth on Times Square. It was noon. The booth opened at 2pm. I wanted to be first in line. Also, there are a BAZILLION dogs that walk through Times Square (with their owners, not by themselves). So I wanted to see how many I could pet.

I was annoyed by a camera guy standing next to me and interrupting my dog petting, so I started to move, and the lady who was with the camera guy asked me what I thought of the display of the FBI’s Most Wanted on the Times Square tv thing. I said that I thought they should get rid of the word jumble game that was showing at that moment, and put more bad guys on. She said “Would you say that on tv?” and I said “Sure”. Then a dog walked by and I was temporarily distracted, but she was on her cell phone, so I’m pretty sure she just told me to wait. So I waited and I pet more dogs. Then my big moment came and she interviewed me on camera and asked me about the East Coast Rapist. I’m pretty sure I sounded like I knew what she was talking about, because basically, you have to figure, a rapist is bad, whether he’s from the east coast or the west coast. So it’s a safe bet to say that you are not in favor of the East Coast Rapist and that you’d like him to get caught. What did they expect me to say? “I’m from the midwest, so I really don’t care what he does on the east coast”. Anyway, it was neat to be on tv. And at 1, I got in line (I was first) for TKTS.

I was sitting next to a group of Asian girls who barely spoke English. The elected a spokesperson, and she talked to me. She was asking what shows would be good for people who don’t understand English very well. I like to be asked about things I like, and I happen to like theater very, very much, so I had a lot to say on the subject. I think she probably got about 10% of it, but I didn’t care, because I was basically talking to hear myself, not to inform her. My soliloquy attracted the attention of the people in line behind the Asians, and they started asking me what I’ve seen, how many times, etc. I can trump most people with that – RENT over 50 times, Les Mis and Phantom over 25 each, and the list goes on. So I made sure I mentioned every single show I’ve ever seen in my life. And then they started asking me what I thought of shows I hadn’t seen, like The Addams Family and American Idiot. Well, God forbid they should think I don’t know everything, so I told them exactly what I thought of those shows. By now a group had formed around me, asking more questions and my opinion and suggestions. I was talking OUT OF MY ASS, I had NO clue what to tell anyone because I haven’t seen a current Broadway show since 2006. But damn did I give those people advice. And they followed it! I got people to move out of the “Musicals” line and into the “Straight Play” line to see That Championship Season. I stage managed it, so I do actually know the show, but I haven’t freaking seen it on Broadway. Anyway, as I was giving my fans my wealth of made up knowledge, a guy walked by and said “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying” was on the board for that day. That’s when I stopped orating and concentrated on shoving anyone out of my way to get a ticket for that show. Do I love that show? No, I actually kind of hate it. But Daniel Radcliffe and John Laroquette are in it, and there was no way I was going to miss seeing Harry Potter…I mean, Daniel Radcliffe…in person. I got a front row seat.

This is where my true Buddy the Elf nature comes in. I was crossing the street with a bunch of other people to go back to my hotel (they weren’t going to my hotel, I was) (also, I only cross the street with a group of people because otherwise I feel like people are watching me) and a taxi made a right hand turn on a red light, and he went really, REALLY fast and came to an abrupt halt. Not abrupt enough, though, because I got hit by the taxi. Not enough to get knocked over, but enough to shove me and leave a giant bruise from my hip to my knee. I’ve been hit by cars before, so I know the protocol – pretend nothing happened and keep walking as if you are fine, otherwise you will be publicly humiliated. The first time I got hit by a car was in a Giant Eagle parking lot, and the car backed into me and I tipped over on to their trunk and sort of slid off back into a standing position. Then I started walking like nothing happened, as people were rushing over to me, and I turned to a woman and said “My God, I almost just died” and then I went inside and did my grocery shopping. So anyway, I get hit by a taxi and then I went back to my hotel and took a nap.

I arrived at the theater super early, hoping to catch Harry Potter…I mean, Daniel Radcliffe…going in. He was already in. John Laroquette walked right by me, but he was wearing a baseball hat, so I didn’t recognize him, because that’s all it takes for me to not recognize someone. A hat. Then the person next to me said “That was him, you know”, and I said “CRAP! I missed my chance!” and that was that.

The show itself was not great. It was only their third preview, so I’m sure it will get better. Harry Potter is not a good actor – but he is adorable and he can dance like the dickens, and I could have touched him from where I was sitting.

After the show, I tried to stage door stalk, but only about 800 other people had that idea, too, and I got so smushed and shoved and groped that I went back to my hotel.

My next post dated entry will be about Dave Letterman, Three Monkeys chicken fingers, and the Lion King.

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  1. Pingback: I Went To NYC And Did Not Get Hit By A Cab. - My Food is ProblematicMy Food is Problematic

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