I’ve been fat for about 20 years. In that time, I’ve tried every diet out there and I paid a lot of money to try them. Weight Watchers at age 15? Yeah, put me in a room with a bunch of 60 year old women and see how motivating THAT is. NutriSystem? Been there done that, and I’ve never experienced such unique forms of intestinal distress in my life. Jenny Craig – check. There’s nothing like having to meet with a condescending, never-been-fat skinny girl, who is almost always shorter than me and dressed nicer than me, telling me in a whiny little girl voice that I didn’t lose any weight that week. Physician’s Weight Loss – I don’t believe anyone there was actually a doctor. Slim Fast, Dexatrim, Hydroxycut, Green Tea Pills, and several that have since been taken off the market because they killed people – I’m not hard core enough to withstand the insane side effects they all had, almost all having to do with either acting like I was on speed or turning my intestines inside out. Adderall! Yay, we have a winner! I was on Adderall for many years. Sure, I acted like a completely spazzed out cokehead, and yeah, I sweated profusely even in the dead of winter, but damn, I got a LOT of stuff done. I credit Adderall with my promotion to assistant manager, actually. I was superhuman on that stuff. And I lost the equivalent of an 8 year old child in weight. But then it stopped working and just made me angry all the time. No one likes a sweaty, fast, angry person, let me tell you. But at least I was as skinny as I had been for about 15 years – which was still not skinny, but was less fat. I maintained that for awhile, until I met my ultimate nemesis…anti-baby pills. No one mentioned that yeah, you’ll feel great all the time because you won’t be moaning on the floor, doubled over because of cramps…but you’ll gain a pound for every cookie you look at! This led me to my highest weight of my life. Then I got pneumonia, thank God, and lost a good 30 pounds and there I have been ever since.
So now I’m trying Weight Watchers online (third time? fourth?) and P90X (a masochist’s dream) to see what happens. But you know what? If anyone says to me “nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels”, I will eat them. Of COURSE things taste better than being skinny, how do you think I got fat in the first place!? I was skinny, but damn it, something tasted good. Like, a lot of things. I could start naming them for you, but I’ll spare you that list (Hershey bars with a jar of peanut butter, Ben and Jerry’s, fair food). Ok, I lied about the list, but I did hold back, at least.
So back to the present. I’m going to attempt to follow my cat’s example and lose weight (that’s right, Sabrina Von Squishy is not as Squishy anymore!). I have no expectations or goals, and I don’t expect to succeed – I find that starting with zero expectations means I won’t be disappointed if I fail. But let’s just say I succeed and I become a skinny person. I am going to dress like a freaking slut. I’m not even kidding – people will often mistake me for a stripper or a lady of the night, that’s how slutty I’m going to dress. You know why? Because skinny people can do that. If I were TRULY a brave person, I would just dress like that now, but I’m totally not that brave. Anyway, I’m seeing a lot of leather in my future, and super skimpy tops. I’ll embarrass everyone I’m with and people will pray for me when they see me because they will think I’m a prostitute or heroin addict. Skinny People can do whatever they want.
I am looking forward to reaping the benefits of a skinny person. Going through turnstiles without turning sideways. Not having to deal with chub rub and replacing jeans every two months when the thighs finally give out (if you aren’t familiar with chub rub, consider yourself lucky). People will finally stop thinking I’m jolly, because like it or not, not all fat people are jolly. I am not your fat best friend who is always laughing, got it?? Yeah, I’m always laughing, but that has nothing to do with being your fat best friend! When I show people to the diet section in my store, and I say “Oh, I tried that one”, I won’t have to give them the “look at me, dumbass” stare when they say “Did it work?” Well, ok, I’ll actually kind of miss that one.
Why am I telling you all of this, you may wonder? It’s because I’m going to post a lot about this and my five readers will have the right to heckle me when I fail. That will be my motivation. No one likes being heckled, fat or not.
For today, I will tell you about P90X. It’s an exercise program created by Satan to make skinny people gain muscle and fat people cry. It’s an hour of non-stop weight lifting, push ups, sit ups, pull ups and God knows what else (I’ve only done the first one so far). Then you get to add 20 minutes at the end to do crunches and sit ups in positions that cause you to wish you would just snap in half and die. Positions which, even with the help of the Boy, I could not contort my body in to. At one point I had my legs sticking out in front of me, off the ground, while I laid on my back, and my arms were pointing in the air. I just sort of rolled over in slow motion and wasn’t able to do a thing about it. I just rolled. I was like Randy in A Christmas Story when he falls over, but he’s so packed tight with winter gear, he just rolls around on the ground and can’t get up. That was me.
P90X has made me learn that my legs do not function in the same way that other people’s legs do. Specifically, they do not bend very much, nor do they extend straight out, and they do not come more than 2 inches off the ground no matter what the rest of my body is doing to get them in the air. It has also made me learn that from the waist up, I could probably kick someone’s ass, but from the waist down, I have the strength and agility of 10 or 12 infants. It’s made me realize that I have ZERO concept of where my limbs are at any given time. The man told me to hold my arm straight, and I did. Until the Boy had to physically move my arm 45 degrees so that it was actually straight. The man told me to bend to the right and stick out my left hip while doing something with my left arm, and I basically contorted into a pretzel because I am so not coordinated that I had no idea what any part of my body was doing in relation to the other parts. He told me to bend in half, and I did…until the Boy had to come over and bend me about a foot further, because I wasn’t actually in half. It also taught me that exercising in jeans and a tee shirt is just plain stupid. I mean, seriously, jeans? What the hell?
And if you are wondering how the Weight Watchers is doing (I’ve been on it for a week), let me just say this: I have 38 “points” to use in a day, and my coffee accounts for 12 of them. I use THAT much International Delight Vanilla cream. And no, I will not be giving it up. Also, they do not recommend eating spoons full of frosting at 2am, but I did that anyway. Hopefully that part will get a little better.
But I have no expectations that it will.