I Am Not Graceful

Day two of P90X. I understand why so many people quit during the “jumping” program. Today I hopped around and leaped for an hour. And I did squats. A lotta squats.

I believe I’ve mentioned how very Not Bendy I am, yes? Yes. Try to imagine a Not Bendy person jumping in the air and bending their legs. It just doesn’t happen. I tried again to analyze what my problem was. Am I too fat? Am I too short? Am I just really uncoordinated? Why don’t my legs bend? I ruled out “I’m too fat” because I know plenty of Bendy fat people, so that just can’t be it. I was pretty well convinced that I was just too short to bend, but I know people who are shorter than I am, and they are Bendy. The question plagued me throughout this bend intensive workout – why the HELL am I not bending? I can squat, so I know my knees bend that way. But I can’t bring my leg up and bend my knee, I can’t stick my leg out straight without my knee twisting in funny ways, and I can’t jump and pull my legs up towards me while I’m in the air. That last part could just be a matter of the space-time continuum. I have a vertical of roughly 1.48 inches, so my “air time” is about .000003 seconds. No one could bend in that amount of time and still get their feet back on the floor to land. It’s just not possible.

In particular, the move I can not do is pictured above. EVERYONE I know can do this – fat, skinny, short, tall, employed, unemployed, etc. Everyone. I can not do this move. I can not even come close to doing this move. The Boy attempted to help me do this move and pushed my ankle towards my hand until I was just barely able to grab it. When he let go, I became gravity’s bitch and I tipped, unable to connect my brain to my body to stop myself. Imagine in slow motion, a person grabbing (sort of) their ankle as they tip to the side. At the last possible second, that person realizes she needs to catch herself before hitting the floor face first. Then imagine that person landing on her wrists, bouncing, skidding forward and rolling over. That was me. And that was not the only time I tipped over during this workout, either. But the tipping I understand, I am not a balanced person. I tip over when I’m standing upright and not moving. I tip over if I turn my head too fast. So that was ok. It was the ankle holding that bothered me.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I have no knees. I just don’t have them. I have something that is in their place, but they do not function as regular knees do. They are a trick to make me believe I have knees when really, there is a mass of paper towels and duct tape under my skin in an attempt to form a knee-looking structure that actually isn’t functional. And it’s a bad job at that, my knees don’t even look like knees. If I took pictures of my nose, my elbows, my foot, my fingers – you’d be able to identify all those bits. If I showed you a picture of my knees, you’d have no idea what you were looking at. “What is that?” you’d say. “My knees”, I would reply. Then you would double over in convulsive laughter at my non-functioning, weird looking, paper towel and duct tape knees. You would probably look at the picture again and say “Ok, really, is that a white meat turkey burger, or possibly cauliflower that is very poorly cooked?” (that was to emphasize the whiteness of my legs).

As I was driving home (in pain) from my hour of non stop squatting, leaping and jumping, I thought about other knee activities that I can’t participate in because of my deformity. Step stools. We have them at work. They are a foot or less off the floor. We step on them to reach higher shelves. I actually have to contort my body to step up on one because my vertical lift is less than the height of the stool. My knees aren’t doing their job and bending my leg properly to put it on the stupid stool. I have to twist and sort of hurl my leg up there without the help of knees.

I might set up a donations button on here to pay my way into Knee Freaks R Us and see if I can find others like me, like at a camp or something. They have camp for everything else, why not Knee Freaks? We can all gather around the campfire and sit on old lady chairs so that we don’t have to sit on the ground and potentially have something weird happen to our knees. We can sing songs about mythical knees who become heroes despite their inability to work properly.

Oh, and just for the record – no, I did not do every rep, but yes, I participated in every single jumping/hopping/leaping/squatting activity, and I did it for the entire damn hour. And I moved the entire time, I only sat down at a very desperate point about halfway in, and that was only for about a minute. I will not be defeated!! I stand for Funky Kneed People everywhere!