Welcome to Dartopia, Take Your Cookie and Have a Seat

This is the closest you will ever see me come to writing something political.  I hate politics.  I generally do not like conflict or disagreement, so political discussion is something I avoid at all costs.  I will go so far as to completely change the subject if people start talking about politics.

I also avoid hearing about politics, or watching the news.  I have been told I’m stupid/ignorant/whatever for doing that, but there are a couple reasons.  One is that no one will EVER agree.  EVER.  There will constantly be arguments and why would I want to get involved in something that literally will never have a conclusion or solution?  If there is a problem, my first thought is “How do we fix this?” and then I fix it.  That is not how politics work.  I like to know how things end.  I don’t read a book and stop 50 pages from the end, I read all the way so I can find out what the conclusion is.  Second, if I watch the news, they tell me scary things and then I obsess about it.  My sanity is worth more than being aware of world events (most of which are very scary).

Having said that, I can NOT believe the things that have been going on at/towards women. It’s like we are suddenly in the 1940’s.  It’s very Mad Men but without hot men or any entertainment value.  There are so many examples, but I’m going to talk about the one where the woman was banned from speaking because she said a particular word referring to the female anatomy.  I am not going to write that word because I don’t want someone typing it in to Google looking for something else entirely and ending up here!  Anyway, some Republican responded by saying how horrible offensive that was, and how he would NEVER say that word in mixed company.  If you are in mixed company, I can pretty much guarantee that the “mix” will know what that word means and be grown up enough to realize it’s a body part, not some curse word.  I wonder what he calls Breast Cancer?  Or Ovarian Cancer?  Is that too lewd to talk about, too?  Or for that matter, Prostate Cancer.  I mean, these are legit words, for pete’s sake!

And then there’s the obvious point of them making legislation about what women can or can’t do with their own bodies, and yet, we aren’t allowed to refer to those body parts.  I’m preaching to the choir, I realize, but it’s the most astounding thing.  Like I said, I don’t do politics, it is all stupid to me, but this isn’t just stupid, it’s alarmingly weird.

This leads us to me being dictator.  It will happen some day, mark my words.  To prepare you for this eventuality, I have compiled a list of rules that will exist in my society, and everyone will have to follow them.  Welcome to Dartopia.

1.  Don’t be mean.  If you are mean, I will put you on an island where you will not have Starbucks, the Internet or shoes.  This means you’ll be bored, craving fancy coffee, and things will bite at your feet.  Also, there will be other mean people on this island, so you’ll constantly feel bad.

2.  Share.  If you are playing with something and another person wants to play too, you let them.

3.  Don’t take things from other people.  If you do, you’ll go to another island (not the same as #1) and I’ll give you something really, really cool – and then someone will take it away from you and you won’t get it back.  This will happen continuously until you understand that it sucks to have things taken from you.

4.  Smile.  That’s right, you have to smile.  Not all the time, but mostly, people should smile at each other, or wave enthusiastically, or offer some other kind of gesture when they see each other.

5.  Don’t cheat.  If you are playing a game, working, in a relationship or whatever, don’t cheat.  If you do cheat, you get sent to island #3 where people will do nothing but lie to you all day and you will never know what is the truth and what is not, because that’s how you made other people feel.

6.  If you hurt an animal on purpose, you get no second chance.  You will be subjected to the same treatment you gave the animal in question.  If you kicked an animal, you will be kicked, but not just once, because if you kicked an animal once, I am sure you have kicked an animal multiple times.  So you’ll be allowed to go about your daily business, but at any moment, and you won’t know it’s coming, you are going to get kicked upside the head.  If you left an animal in a cage and didn’t treat him right, guess what?  You are going to live in a cage now.  There will be no mercy for people who hurt animals.

7.  I will be duplicated, because we will have that technology, so that every city in the world has a Darcy.  This means there will be no need for judges, lawyers or police.  Every Darcy will make the same decisions, and every person who breaks a rule will see the Darcy directly to be dealt with.  There WILL be a police force of sorts, but they will not carry weapons.  I just need people out there who will enforce my rules.  The police force will be trained in every method of getting someone restrained without the use of weapons.

8.  No violence and no weapons.  Sorry, NRA people.  I know you have a right to bear arms, but not in Dartopia.  If you are violent, because some people are just violent by nature, there is an island for you.   There won’t even be sharp things in Dartopia.  We will open our UPS packages with our clever wits, not a knife.  Maybe we will just redesign UPS boxes.

9.  I’m just going to go ahead and drug the water supply.  You’ll all be getting a fairly high dose of some sedatives and some anti-depressants.  It’ll be ok, really.  I’ll probably need to drug the food supply, too, for those of you who don’t like water.

10.  No secrets.  In addition to the drugged water supply, I’ll be putting some truth serum type drugs somewhere else – maybe it will be dispersed in the air so everyone is breathing it in at all times.  That way, no one can lie and everyone has to tell the truth at all times.  This will alleviate many problems.

11.  Things that are scary are not allowed to be created.  We won’t need things like nukes or Kamikaze pilots because they are scary, so they won’t be allowed.  Plus, we will all be nonviolent and telling the truth, so violence is going to be completely unnecessary.  But scary things like getting wisdom teeth pulled or driving too fast around a corner will not exist.

12.  Magic will exist.  That’s all there is to it.  I know there are people out there who can do things, and they are just going to have to share their knowledge with the rest of us.  Hogwarts will exist, Narnia will exist, Green Gables will exist – except without all the conflict that has happened in those places.

13.  Last but not least, everyone will have to spend an hour a day doing something nice for someone/something else.  You can spend time with your elderly neighbor, you can clean your street, you can do whatever you want as long as it is for someone else.  Then everyone will realize that when they do something selfless, they actually become happier themselves.

There are a lot more rules, mostly having to do with being nice to people and animals, but this is just the start.  You can make suggestions if you’d like, and I will take them into consideration, but since this is a dictatorship, I can make no guarantees.

5 thoughts on “Welcome to Dartopia, Take Your Cookie and Have a Seat

  1. What if guns make me happy? (And they do.) Not for the purpose of hurting people or animals, but simply because marksmanship is fun fun fun?? Also, what if magic scares me? (And it does.) Then Rule #12 violates Rule #11!

    I think my biggest problem is that telling the truth all the time will cause more social anguish than the white lies they replace. That, and you are not giving people the right anti-depressants, because some people react poorly to SSRI’s and hurt people or animals. Or die. Plus, animals will die if they drink water laced with drugs for people, and I believe – knowing you as I do – that this would bother you. Plus it violates Rule #6. I think the water and food supply should be left alone.

    I do, however, like that this place will effectively bar republicans. This characteristic is very similar to the model for Markopia. …I think that’s about the extent of the similarities between Dartopia and Markopia though. Well, that, and the error-free grammar in the constitution. Which is essential. (Although I did find a couple errors that I will refrain from citing in this post.)

    Lastly, what is the word you reference that you are afraid to say? Don’t hold back now. We’re all adults here.

    That’s all I have to say about that.

  2. I would move to Dartopia tomorrow! #4 bugs me a little, but if we are all drugged into happiness I guess it would be ok. I just hate being told to smile by some random person when I am a the gas station or something It make me all ragey. One of the ones I actually love is #8. When we moved here my neighbor informed us that there are no gun laws in New Franklin, so if there is a rabbit in my yard I can just shoot it. This. Terrifies. Me. I don’t think my neighbors would shoot me on purpose, but I really don’t even like knowing that there are guns next door. They might accidentally shoot me, or some bad person will steal their guns and that person will shoot me. Plus, I like rabbits and don’t want anyone to shoot them. I purpose that Dartopia have one large building like a blimp hanger or something, people who like to shoot targets can practice in there. There would be a magical force field around the building preventing any guns from ever leaving the building. Magic would also prevent guns from ever being pointed at a living being.

    Oh and vagina vagina vagina!

  3. Eve, you can be my second dictator in command. I like the gun compromise. It works.

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