The Question of the Night

Several people have actually asked me this and it kind of shocked me.  In various ways, some involving curse words and others more polite, people have asked if I edit what I write, and reread it before posting and all that.  Well the answer is, I don’t.  What you see is what comes spewing out of my brain, often flavored with Percoset or Klonopin, completely unedited (as you can tell from the typing mistakes I make) and completely unadulterated.  I think this fact might actually be kind of a scary thing, because eventually, I do go back and read what I have written.  Days later, usually.  Sometimes just the next day because I think “I wonder if I wrote anything last night”, and so I go to check, and then I read what I wrote.  I never change it, though, because that is the opposite of All That Is Darcy.  I don’t edit myself when I blurt things out in real life, so I don’t edit when I write these posts, either.

On that note, I was told for 12 years by my superhero/manager Dave that I do not see The Big Picture in life, work or anything.  I see details, I focus on details, I obsess over details, but I do not see The Big Picture.  I argued for all 12 years that I do, in fact, see The Big Picture and that it is completely optional that I CHOOSE to focus on details.  Today I found out it’s not optional and Dave isn’t the only one who knows that I do not see The Big Picture.  My new manager, Chris, was hurtled into a world of Darcy-ness when I showed up at Embrace and he had to train me.  The minute he started talking, I whipped out the legal pad they gave me and wrote, step by step, every single thing he showed me how to do.  I even made a Word document called Darcy’s Procedure List and I keep it open like a security blanket because I NEED LISTS AND STEPS.  Today, Chris said “It’s ok that you have your lists, but I want to make sure you see The Big Picture, too” and I nearly died.  After 12 years with the same person telling you that, you learn to just assume that person is bat shit crazy and you are right.  But then along comes a brand new person, and they say it, and you kind of have to start thinking maybe they are right.  That part sucks.  But then the part that sucks even more is realizing I have gone my entire life without ever knowing what THE BIG PICTURE is!!  What is it???  Is it different everywhere?  Is it a goal?  Is it an overall theory of something?  And this is where Dave would jump in and say “You’re focusing on the details again, I can’t give you a step by step instruction sheet on how to see The Big Picture”.  Maybe I just don’t have A Big Picture.  Maybe some people in life are without one, and it’s up to the people who have one to deal with it and the rest of us can deal with the details and lists and very specific directions.  I am Big Picture Impaired, and I would like to say to Dave publicly (well, as public as this website is), YOU WERE FREAKING RIGHT, OK???  GEEZ.  I have no freaking clue what The Big Picture is and I never have!  Dave!  How many times over the years have I argued with you (countless!  millions!  more than your mental state could handle!) about the freaking Big Picture and it took someone else who I’ve only known for a month to show me that I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE BIG PICTURE IS!  I don’t even know what I’m supposed to look for or how to find it!

Ok, that’s a little dramatic – in the case of my new job, I actually do “get” what I’m looking for with The Big Picture – or at least, I get as much of it as I can at this point.  But looking back, there is still a Big Empty Hole where The Half Price Books Big Picture should be.  I honestly thought I knew, and maybe there were points were I did know and I’ve since forgotten and that’s why I can’t say what The Big Picture at Half Price Books was right now, but whatever it is, my brain feels like someone shook it for awhile and then turned it upside down.  The Big Picture haunts me.

I’m taking Temporary Dog to work with me tomorrow and I’m super excited.  She is going to get to play with other dogs.  And I bought her a bed to bring with me so she can lay by my feet when she is not playing.  I am hoping she will make friends with Ken the Vicious Bite Hamster, who I am determined to civilize before he kills someone.