This is Ken. He used to be called Ken the Vicious Bite Hamster because he bit every single person who came near him. He also used to be a girl hamster named Shirley. Then along came me.
When I first started working at my company, I was fascinated with the office hamster and why she never came out. Then I noticed I was the only one who was fascinated by the hamster. So they decided that I would be in charge of the office hamster because no one liked her.
I moved her to my desk, cleaned her cage and turned her into a boy and named her Ken. When I went to take him out of the cage to clean it, he bit my finger so hard that he stuck there as I lifted my hand out of the cage. I bled a lot. I put him into an empty garbage can so he would not escape while I cleaned his cage. I made it all very nice for him. I even got him a food bowl, which I stole (with permission) from Lindsey who sits next to me. Ken immediately became happier, he loved his food bowl. He sat in it and stuffed his little hamster cheeks with food.
It became very hard to work because I spent a lot of time talking to Ken and telling him I was his friend. He would put his little nose up to the gap in the plastic cage, and I would put my finger there and he would bite me. So I kept my finger further away and he seemed to enjoy sticking his arm out to try to touch my finger. Every day when I came into work, Ken would come out to greet me. We’d play “Catch the Finger” and “Stand on the Hamster Hut and Chew on the Metal Bars on the Top of the Cage”. Sometimes I would boop him on the nose and he’d roll backwards off his Hamster Hut.
After awhile, Ken would come out when I called him, and he would automatically run to my finger when I put it next to the cage. And he stopped trying to bite me and just licked me. I thought, now is the time to try to hold Ken again. But I was too scared, so I picked him up in a cup and put him in his garbage can and cleaned his cage again.
Today, I said THIS IS IT. It is on my Bucket List and I am doing it NOW! So I picked up Ken and he was PERFECT! He didn’t even try to bite! I carried him around the office for 20 minutes and he was perfect! And so cute and soft. I love Ken. I civilized him. I can now cross this off of my bucket list. Then I did what was probably stupid. An important person came over and was talking about Ken, and she said “You do know it’s a girl, right?” and I said “Yes, but I changed him to a boy”. She said that boy hamsters aren’t that shape, and she’s pretty sure it’s a girl. I said “Oh, he probably is a girl, but I just changed him”. In retrospect, I am a moron. I only realized this after telling someone else about the conversation and they pointed out that 99% of the human race does not think like I do, and that would not make any sense at all to them, and so now the very important person probably thinks I’m stupid.
Also, I have new sheets and they are lime green. Or Pale green. One of the two. Also I have those sheet things that make it so the bottom sheet doesn’t flip off the mattress all the time, because mine always does that and I hate it.