I joined a gym. No, seriously, I did. Lifetime Fitness. It is open 24 hours to accommodate my busy lifestyle. You would be surprised at how many people go swimming at 11pm. I was impressed with myself, though. I swam back and forth in the lane…or I did what could be comparable to swimming in my world, which is to say, I managed to get back and forth quite a few times while never actually doing a recognizable form of swimming. I don’t like to get my face wet, so that is an issue. Also, I float uncontrollably, which strangely enough, makes swimming hard. My butt floats up in the air and pushed my face forward into the water. Or I can float on my back like no one’s business, but eventually my legs, hips, stomach and boob area float to the top, forcing my head backwards and down. My body tries to drown my head.
I “swam” for a full hour and I think my heart and lungs were sincerely shocked at what was happening. My first “lap” was impressive, I was all gung ho about it, and when I got back to my starting point, I realized I was breathing like I just ran 10 miles without stopping. In order to not look like a complete pasty white fat person, I decided I would trick people into believing that everything I did was intentional. So I “swam” my way across the pool and then sort of floated around so I didn’t end up panting like a dog, and then I “swam” my way back across the pool. It looked like I had some sort of intentional ritual going on, which I guess I kind of did. The “Pasty White Fat Girl Doesn’t Want to Die in the Pool” ritual.
At first I was alone in the pool, but I was joined by Adonis who proceeded to make my ritual look like the freak show that it was. He had goggles, a swimming cap, AND flipper feet. I actually think pretty highly of myself and my ability to swim, all because I can beat AJ in swimming races. Please note, AJ hates swimming. But I beat him, and that’s the point. So Adonis started swimming, and I waited for him at one end, and when he launched off from my end I started swimming, too. As I swam, I realized that he seemed to glide whereas I seemed to writhe and flop like a not beached whale. I made it about 10 feet in when he was already turning around and coming back the other way.
I was then joined by an older man who appeared to be trying to drown someone, but no one was with him. I am still not sure what he was doing, but he might have been practicing some sort of martial art or boxing while in the water.
I finally got out of the pool, which, after being weightless for an hour, felt like I was being pushed into the ground. I waddled my way over to the whirlpool thing and clunked my way down the stairs. I made a friend in there because he had a waterproof device over his Kindle, so he was sitting in the water and reading.
I’d like to point out that I was the only white person there, so my normally pasty white complexion was emphasized and I appeared to be glowing as I waddled and clomped my way back to the….forgetting words. Room where women go to put their things and shower. Locker room. So yeah, I went into the locker room and you can imagine, I had some issues with this. My biggest issue was that I forgot to bring underwear with me, so I had to shower (thank God for individual shower stalls, but still not at all pleased about showering in a public place) and put on my yoga pants that are only meant to be worn at home and hope that no one could tell I was without bra or underwear. I also left my sandals in my locker, so I threw two towels on the ground and skated my way from my shower to my locker, fully clothed, because I will not change in an open area. It’s very hard to change in a shower that has just been used. You basically have to accept the fact that you will be putting clothes on while soaking wet and that it will be extremely uncomfortable.
Oh, I forgot the best part – the eucalyptus steam room. I went in there because I LOVE the smell of eucalyptus, and I sat down on my towel and it got really hot and I started getting worried about being in a really hot room, and I started plotting escape routes just in case someone locked me in and then I felt like I couldn’t breathe because I was locked in a steam room that was intentionally being really hot and smelled like eucalyptus which I used to like but was beginning to think it wasn’t so great after all and then I panicked and had to leave abruptly. I came barreling out the door into two women who looked alarmed at me, and I just said “Wow, hot” and walked away.
While I was swimming and thinking I was going to die, I actually had the thought “If Batman can work out and save the people of Gotham, even while getting injuries all the time, surely I can swim one more lap”. Then I felt stupid for thinking that because I’m not Batman and will most likely never even resemble Batman and of course he’d swim more laps than me. And then I really wanted to be Batman, or at least some kind of superhero, but being in a bathing suit around darker skinned people made me realize that I could only ever be Pasty White Girl, and that’s no kind of superhero at all.
Now I’m going to eat chocolate and peanut butter because I never said anything about changing my diet, only swimming, and then I’m going to go to bed because I’m extremely tired.