There Are A Lot Of Things I Do Not Know.

I think the title says it all.  There are a lot of things that I don’t know, or they just don’t occur to me, or I KNOW them I just don’t THINK and then out of my mouth comes a really, really stupid question or statement.

One day I was sitting in the police station waiting (don’t get all excited, I was paying parking tickets), and a bunch of cops were walking around and I was getting more and more anxious because of my instant fear when I see a gun.  It’s instant.  It doesn’t matter if a police person is holding it or a terrorist, the gun itself causes me to go into an actual panic attack, sometimes requiring many hours of rocking back and forth until I’m normal again.  Well, not normal, I can’t rock myself normal, but what passes for normal in my world.  So anyway, I’m there, all the police people and guns are there, and a policeman stops with his hip (i.e. gun) right at my eye level.  So naturally I said “Is that loaded?”.  Three police people turned and stared down at me (I was sitting in a chair, it’s not that I am really short) and he said “No, it’s not.  When a bad guy comes at me, I ask him to stop and then I take the time to load it” and another policeman said “None of them are loaded, we’re all bluffing”.

Then just the other day I texted my friend Sasha and asked if squirrels lay eggs.  I KNOW squirrels do not lay eggs, but in that moment I could not think if squirrels lay eggs or not.  It made total sense to me that they would – they have nests in trees and birds have nests in trees and birds lay eggs.  But seriously, I KNOW squirrels don’t lay eggs, I was just momentarily confused. Sasha said “Are you serious?  Is someone messing with you?”  Unfortunately for me, when I’m momentarily confused, I don’t wait for the moment to pass and figure things out for myself, I blurt out whatever it is I’m thinking.

Going back in time to 6th grade, I temporarily attended a very small Christian school.  I was there for about 4 months.  I did not know anyone well, I did not know the teacher well, and really the only highlight of the whole thing was that I was seen as some sort of superstar in the band because I came from a school that really, really focused on having a good marching band, and I took private lessons and all that.  So in band, with the 9-11 other people who were in it, I was a goddess.  I even got to play a really hard classical piece at our recital – in which I froze up completely because there was an audience and got so scared that I literally stood there and blew air through my trumpet, making no sound at all, for the entirety of the piece.  None of that was the point of this.  The point is, I did not know anyone well and it takes me years and years to make connections with people, not 4 months.  So we were leaving for a break of some sort and our teacher’s wife was going to have a new kid during the time we were on break.  Everyone was standing in a line and hugging the teacher and wishing him luck with the new kid.  I could not escape because the door was blocked, and so I ended up standing in front of the teacher desperately doing anything to not have to hug him.  So I followed suit with all the other kids who were saying “Do you want it to be a boy or a girl” and I said “Do you think your wife might have a puppy, because that would be much better than a boy or a girl”.  Then I stood there and stared at him, patted him on the shoulder, and turned around and left.

This doesn’t really fit the subject, but hey, I rarely stick to the subject, so it’s ok.  I’ve said many times before that I don’t lie.  I’m horrible at it, I feel instant guilt about it, and then I announce the truth.  I can’t really even be around someone if I know they are lying about something because I’ll shout “That’s not right!” or something.  When I was about 5 my mom took me down the street to meet the new neighbors (she was seriously always up in my grill trying to get me to socialize) and the neighbor mom commented on how polite I was.  My mom laughed and said “That’s because we beat her every day if she isn’t”.  I can tell you now what went through my head but at the time, it was a sheet of white terror.  My mom had lied and I didn’t know how to react because I didn’t get that it was a joke.  So I said very seriously and earnestly, “She does, really.  They beat me.”  The neighbor was very wary of us after that.  In retrospect, I can tell you exactly why I “lied”.  In my brain, my mom lied.  Moms don’t lie, so I thought it must be the truth then, and I’m wrong.  In that split second of thinking, I panicked enough that I blurted the first thing I thought of, which was that my mom must be right and I must be wrong, therefore, my parents must beat me every day.  Which they did not.  Ever.  So you can see where I was confused. It’s totally rational.

Here is an example at how bad I am at lying.  The first lie I ever told was when I was maybe 6.  I can not tell you why, but for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to take a pair of scissors and cut a square hole in the knee of my pajamas while my mom left me alone for literally about 3 minutes.  My mom said “What did you do to your pajamas?” and the best lie I came up with was “I ran outside and tripped and fell and got a hole in them”.  A square, neatly cut hole.  My mom said “Well that’s not true” and I said “I cut a hole in them with the scissors”.  This was the only time in my life I was spanked.  And it was awkward.  My mom said “I am going to have to spank you because you told a lie and you cut a hole in your pajamas” and I said “Ok” and then I laid across her lap with my butt up in the air and we sat like that for a minute, and then I guess she probably spanked me, but I am guessing it wasn’t very hard because all I remember is her hugging me and telling me not to lie again.