Please refer to my List of Fears and you will see that I am actually terrified of grasshoppers and crickets. I was given a sign yesterday when I walked out on to our lovely porch to find this:
It was on the outside, but still, it was gigantic and big and had legs that did weird things and what I can only describe as a stem coming out of its behind. It just sat there staring at me, and my mom was all like “Who cares, it’s outside” and I was all like “It should not exist in nature, let alone on my window screen”. Then I put my cat on the table and after about 50 seconds she finally noticed it and punched it with her paw and it went away.
Anyway, that was last night. That was the Beast That Was Sent To Warn Me. Because tonight, I went and got frozen yogurt at Frozen Oasis and as I was carrying two things of yogurt out, one in each hand, one of my reoccurring nightmares actually happened. A grasshopper flew from nowhere and landed on my neck. I’ll go into detail about how badly I freaked out after I describe to you my reoccurring nightmare. It starts out in a variety of ways, but the point of the nightmare, the thing that makes me wake up with my neck scrunched up in a really bad position, is that a giant bug of some sort jumps on to my neck and no matter how hard I lean my head and scrunch my neck to get the bug to go away, it burrows deeper into my neck. That is the nightmare. It is really seriously horrible because I have a THING with my neck. Mostly, just stay the hell away from my neck. But if you are going to go near my neck, there is only a certain way you can touch it and that is very solidly and with steady pressure. So these burrowing bugs in my dream – ohmygosh, I am so getting spazzy just describing it – they vibrate and buzz into my neck. I can’t even stand it. UGH.
So this grasshopper tonight lands on my neck which has never actually happened before in my life, so my nightmares are completely unfounded, and I freaked the hell out. I tilted my head and scrunched up my neck, but that wasn’t enough. Even though I saw the grasshopper leave my person, I had to make sure there were no others. Luckily, I was near my car and not in the middle of the parking lot, because I threw the yogurt on the roof and started slapping at my neck. After the slapping, I sort of appeared to be strangling myself in an attempt to make sure every inch of my neck was free of grasshoppers. Then I had to make sure it didn’t go down my shirt, and because this was an extremely serious and extreme situation, oh yes, I flapped my shirt up and down in the middle of the parking lot. I have no idea if I traumatized a child by exposing myself, I’m not even positive that anything was exposed at all, but I knew I had to flap my shirt hard enough that any determined grasshopper would not be able to hold on. Then I had to make sure it wasn’t in my hair. Then I had to check my neck again. Then the shirt. Then I had to look frantically around me to see if it was anywhere near me. Then when I finally determined I was safe, I had to get in my car really fast to make sure it didn’t follow me. THEN I had to rub my neck really really hard to get the grasshoppery feeling off of it. The feeling is still there. I can feel it right now. Have you ever felt a grasshopper on your neck?
They are horrible things. They fly/jump and they are loud and UGH, I can’t finish writing about this because I have to go shower and then wear a turtleneck. THEY MAKE A NOISE WHEN THEY LAND. They are big enough and green and solid enough that they cannot land without a sound. That’s wrong. When I accidentally dropped Ken the Hamster because he bit me, HE didn’t make a noise when he landed and yet, grasshoppers do. That’s WRONG.
At this point in time, I’d like to make a public apology to Tim Courtad who, in middle school, was Mr. Big Tough Guy (ok, he still is), but a praying mantis landed on him and he screamed like a girl and freaked out. That was more than 20 years ago and I still laugh uncontrollably when I think about it. There is no more laughing, Tim Courtad. I will never laugh again. That grasshopper that landed on my neck was sent to punish me for laughing. Granted, I never laughed at Tim Courtad in front of him because I was not in the right social circle to laugh at, near or around him, so I kept my laughter to myself. The point is, I will never laugh again at the praying mantis landing on Tim Courtad.
I will be sleeping tonight with a scarf wrapped tightly around my neck, and I might possibly make it a permanent part of my wardrobe.