A user submitted the following question via Ask the Darcy:
compare the vice presidential candidates. be sure to include petty factors. do not mention them by name, not once.
So there is one guy who is somewhat attractive and he’s on the one side. Then there’s another guy who, for an older person, is not ugly, and he’s on the other side. If either of these people passed me on the street, or walked up to me and hit me in the head, I would not recognize them.
My Uncle Pat loves the somewhat attractive guy because he says a lot of things that my Uncle Pat agrees with. I would name these things, but mostly I only know that this guy did the same thing Martha Stewart did and she got sent to jail, but he did not. I do not know exactly what Martha Stewart did, but this guy, he did it, and no jail.
I like the older guy because I have no idea any of the things he’s said, but I am pretty sure that if I knew what they were, I would agree with them. I think he is taller than the other guy and he has grey hair while the other guy has darker hair.
The Guy My Uncle Pat Loves seems like he probably does not tell the truth because there was something that someone said and he was all like, “Nope, no way, not me”. Then they were all like, “But here’s proof” and the somewhat attractive shorter guy was all like “Ok, yeah, that was me”. So that says to me that is not a person to be trusted.
The taller guy with the grey hair seems just like he’s a nicer person in general. The shorter guy might be slightly more attractive, but he also just seems too short and like he doesn’t look quite right to be in charge of anything except possibly some sort of youth hate group because many short men turn out to be evil and lead hate groups. I saw a picture of him once, so that’s how I know this. The taller guy seems more approachable and more like he would be like, “I’ll help people because I’m nice” and the shorter guy has pointier facial features and pointy people are not to be trusted.
The shorter guy, he probably has a job now, but I do not know what it is, but from the looks of him, it probably involves saying “NO” emphatically to things that would be nice and pleasant. In the picture I saw of him he was not smiling and smiling is a good thing to do.
I might be thinking of an actor who played a vice president in a movie when I refer to the taller grey haired man. I might not be thinking of the right dude at all, but I’ll assume I am and continue my fact based comparison. I think he wears grey suits mostly, or at least, lighter colors, and that makes a person look less severe and nicer. The shorter guy, that one picture I saw, he had on a dark suit and that makes him seem sinister. Some people can get away with dark suits and not look sinister, such as the following people: AJ, Johnny Depp, my dad, the man who is president and James Bond as played by Daniel Craig. The shorter guy, though, he looks sinister.
If the taller old guy wore a dark suit, it seems like he would still be nicer because of his nicer looking face. He also seems less boney than the shorter man. And the taller guy seems like he would probably have butterscotch candy in his pocket all the time while I am almost positive the shorter guy has no candy at all.
In summary, you should vote for the taller, less boney, grey haired man because he is either an actor in a movie I saw or the real vice president and he seems nicer.
You should not vote for the shorter, dark haired, dark suit wearing man because of his pointy facial features and because he looks like someone who yells “NO” a lot at things that are good and he is probably one of those people who hands out oranges or toothbrushes at Halloween instead of candy bars. Or MAYBE he hands out those “Bit O Honey” things, and everyone HATES those. EVERYONE does.