Change Is Bad.

A user asked via the Ask the Darcy link:

Being that you don’t like change, do you think you will ever get married and become a mother yourself? Or just get married and live with a boy forever and ever?

Well, I will definitely never have a kid because that introduces a whole new level of neurosis, fears, annoyances and gross things.  It’s not necessarily because I don’t like change (I really do hate change, but that’s not the main motivator), it’s that I don’t know what to do with kids, I get bored really easily when trying to keep them entertained, I require more naps than they do and that doesn’t usually work out if you are supposed to be watching them, and I would be a really, really bad mom.  The thing about kids is that they don’t do exactly what you say, and if I need immediate silence because I’m overwhelmed and a kid is not silencing themselves immediately, they will see mommy spazz out and then they will require therapy forever.  I could only traumatize a kid.  How do you teach a kid to go fearlessly into the world when you are scared of everything?  The kid would follow my example!  And that’s bad!   No kid should follow my example.  Actually, I’m going to take a moment to wallow in arrogance – kids SHOULD follow my example in terms of the way I live my life, the way I set a high moral standard for myself, and the way I am nice to people.  I’m not going to be humble, here, I really think everyone’s purpose should be to make other people happier and that’s how I try to live my life.  So it’s not like I’m a bad example, I’m definitely not – but my level of fears and anxieties and routines and reactions to change – no kid would be able to grow up normal with a mom like that.  And in a way, I AM selfish – I have a giant stuffed Moose that is a BEACON for kids.  He is bigger than any kid and heavier and he just begs to be snuggled and hugged….and I won’t let kids near him.  Because he’s mine.

This actually happened just yesterday – I had friends with kids over to my house and I took my Moose and hid him in my dad’s room where my dad has a giant stuffed purple ape that he doesn’t like kids to play with (I did not fall far from the tree).  A kid found them despite our efforts, and asked if he could play with them.  I said “You can play with the purple ape but the Moose can’t be touched”.  I sacrificed my dad’s ape for my Moose.  When my mom called me out on it, she said “I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but did you just tell a child he can’t play with your stuffed animal and that he should play with your father’s stuffed animal instead?”  And the answer is yes, yes I did tell the child that.  Because he is MY MOOSE.  I will give someone the coat off my back and go to the ATM machine to give them cash, but NO ONE touches my Moose.  Or any number of other things that are MINE.  The list is small, but these things are MINE and no one else should be touching them.

That’s my answer to the “will you be a mom” part of that question.  The rest is much simpler.  Whatever happens, happens.  I’m ok living with a boy forever and not getting married.  I’m also happy to be married to said boy.  Right now I live with my parents and not a boy (well, my dad is obviously a boy, but he’s not THE boy, so that doesn’t count at all).  If I moved in with the boy right now, I’d take my cat and go – but I would miss my parents and I would think that their lives would be horrible without me and my cat in their house.  Really, though, they’ll probably live a lot longer the sooner I jump ship.  But in my head, they need me in order to survive.

I’m going to take this moment to discuss the idea of the “pre nup”.  I don’t know what that stands for, that’s why I didn’t write it all out.  Here’s what I think – I won’t marry anyone who wants me to sign one of those.  That’s just saying “I expect to divorce you some day and I feel as if I already have to protect myself against you”.  If I were to get married and some day get divorced, then you act like civil people and you share – if I made more money during our marriage, then I’m not going to leave my soon to be divorced husband homeless and moneyless.  I’ll give him what he needs and make sure he gets another start.  I’d expect my future ex-husband to do the same.  If someone cares enough about me to marry me, they should care enough about me to help if I need, just like I would help them.  I don’t think I have any right to someone else’s money any more than they have any right to mine, but I think we both have the obligation to be decent people about it.  Hypothetically, if I married Johnny Depp (or Robert Downey Jr.), I would not expect him, when he divorces me, to give me half his money.  I sure as heck didn’t earn that.  Or even someone who didn’t earn it but inherited money or had a trust fund – that’s not mine.  If we get divorced I’m not going to lay claim to it.  While we’re married we both contribute and we both share, but if we part ways, I’m not about to take what isn’t mine!

That was a bit of a tangent.  I think I might have answered the original question, though.  Oh wait, I wanted to add more reasons I won’t have kids.  MY DNA SUCKS!  The kid would be overweight, Diabetic and neurotic and spazzy and nervous and scared.  Granted, they would also be eternally happy and optimistic, helpful, kind, trusting, naive, thoughtful, and giving – but I don’t think I’d wish those other things on a kid.  Of course, there could be a cure for Diabetes any day now, so there’s that.

This is making me too nervous, I have to go find my cat and rock for awhile.

2 thoughts on “Change Is Bad.

  1. Pingback: Change Is Bad Part 2. - My Food is Problematic

  2. Pingback: Change Is Bad Part 3. - My Food is Problematic

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