Creating Baby Humans In Dartopia.

Someone submitted the following question via Ask the Darcy:

How do we apply for Dartopia? And what is the stand on reproduction and reproductive rights in Dartopia?

I am taking applications for positions within Dartopia starting now, just leave your credentials and desired job in the comments below.  I will need a lot of scientists and engineers because part of Dartopia is advanced technology, most notably the fact that I will need to be cloned many, many times over so that one of me is in every city in the world.  I will also need a lot of people who will lie in front of bulldozers to prevent trees from being knocked down until the scientists find alternative things to do other than knocking trees down.  There are also a lot of other jobs that will be needed, so feel free to select your desired job and apply for it.

To be a citizen of Dartopia, all you have to do is wait for me to be proclaimed Dictator of the World, and then BOOM!  You will be a citizen!  It’s so simple!  I just have to do a little work on my end to achieve Dictator of the World.  If you want to start canvasing your neighborhoods to get people to vote for me to be Dictator of the World, I wouldn’t argue.

Reproduction is ok, but there will definitely be some rules to follow.  First and foremost, you fill out a form and check the box that says “I would like to have children” or “I would not like to have children”.  Those who check the second box will be issued free methods of birth control so they do not have to worry about it.  Those who check the first box will then be asked a few short questions.  This will not be an intelligence test, it will be a test of good versus evil.  People who are not necessarily smart can have kids – just because they are not that bright does not mean they will not make good parents.  Evil people, on the other hand, will automatically make bad parents and will potentially bring more evil people into the world.  The questions will be trick questions, and someone else will come up with them because I am bad at tricking people.  The questions will reveal the person’s true nature and we will then be able to decide if they are Good or Evil.

From there, you can have as many kids as you are financially able to support.  If your kids are not eating right, are wearing ill fitting clothes, or if they don’t have a few books and toys, you will be subjected to a Financial Evaluation.  You may be asked to stop having children or to get a better paying job.

If there is evidence that you are being mean to your kid in a way that will mentally or physically damage it, it will be taken away from you and given to people who checked the box that said they would like to have children, but for whatever reason, they can not have children.

If you are raising your kid to be selfish, to have a sense of entitlement, to be mean or rude, to expect to be praised just for showing up to something rather than earning praise for working hard, to be violent, or any number of other things that I do not approve of, you will be sent to parenting school and your kid will be taken away and retrained.  Since it will be your fault that your kid has to be retrained, you will be sent to an island for at least one month that is filled with people who are rude and mean and think they are entitled to everything and are selfish and they do not work hard but demand that you praise them.  That will show you what your kid will be like as an adult and you will be repulsed and you will then raise your kid in another manner more conducive to my standards.  Actually, instead of being retrained, maybe your kid will go to the island with you so they will see that they do not want to grow up like that.  You will both be returned safely to your home and there will be follow up appointments to make sure you are not slipping into old habits.

People with any disabilities or diseases or anything can have children and if they need a hand with the kid, they will be issued an assistant who is happy and will help them where they need help.

The only restrictions on getting knocked up apply to mean people, violent people and people who are going to try to relive their own life through their kid – i.e. Beauty Pageant Moms (or Dads).  All of that will be screened by my trick test that someone else is going to develop.  I can tell you right now, one of the tests will be to put you in a room with a dog and see what your reaction is, because that says a lot about a person.  If you are scared of dogs for some reason, or allergic to dogs, we can use a cat.  Or a horse.  Or a baby goat.  We will use a variety of animals.