I put up a new page at the top where you can donate money or stuff to various animal organizations. I am going to keep adding to it. Strangers who come here randomly from StumbleUpon and then never come back, do one thing before you leave. Go to my Save Animals page and share the link. If you are unable to donate, someone you know will see it and donate. People in Canada, I see you here quite often – I bet you have some shelters you would like to see listed, eh? Send them to me, I will list them. I know a lot of people come here and do not come back, but before you leave, spread that page all the hell over the internet and give money or stuff. Now on to my most recent panic attack.
There are two good things about my brain – one is that I am easily distracted and the other is that I have no short term memory. Normally, those would be bad things about a brain, but nothing about me is normal. 90% of my days are spent in some state of panic and anxiety. Of that 90%, about 20% is actual full out hyperventilating need to pull over on the side of the road and freak out panic. The rest are varying levels of “I need to rock right now” or “I really think I am having a heart attack right now”. That tiny little 10% of my day that is not spent in a state of panic or anxiety is when I am distracted by something, or I forget what I was panicking about.
Right now, for instance, I am still literally “coming down” from the effects of an all out panic attack that happened on my way home from AJ’s. My heart is still racing, I still fell a sense of impending doom, I have shallow breathing and I have generalized anxiety. I have no idea what started this. I started hyperventilating in the car, I thought I was going to die, the whole nine yards. Do I remember why? No. Why do I not remember why? Because I walked into the house and my cat needed a butt bath, so I did that and was distracted for five minutes and completely forgot why I was freaking out.
I know it was related to animals and my inability to save all of them. I am almost certain it started when I realized that it is unlikely I will be able to create my animal sanctuary where I will save every animal, ever. Then I thought about a dog that was locked in a cage and set on fire. Then I thought that was the second time that happened in the past month in the same city. Then I thought, there are people out there who can do this. They are capable of hurting the absolute most pure and innocent beings on this planet – animals. And if the humans are capable of that, there is no hope. None. There is no hope in the world.
I am a hopeful person. I am annoyingly optimistic. But I do have flashes of reality when I realize that we live on a planet where most of the people are deranged killers, are capable of torturing other humans or animals, pretty much everyone lies and most people are just not nice and flat out rude. I am not perfect AT ALL, I do not even mean to suggest that, but I am gentle and kind except in very extreme circumstances. And those are rare. I have this vision of myself as a superhero, or more accurately, an imperfect angel. I envision myself wrapping my wings around people and absorbing their pain and fear and replacing it with my hope and joy. I imagine myself calming animals and making them unafraid, and teaching them how to cross the street so they do not get hit by cars, and teaching them to run away if their human is mean to them and how they can find help, and I picture myself healing them with the power of the universe, God, various saints, spirits and the power of my intense love for them. But that does not actually happen. People still die a lot, animals suffer a lot and I am powerless to do a thing about it.
Here is a huge surprise, I have been to a lot of therapists. It turns out, they will not just hand you Klonopin because you say “But I really need it a lot”. They want you to “talk”. So I sit with well meaning people who listen to my extensive list of fears and beliefs and ideas and they give me breathing techniques. Or they try to get me to think more realistically. “We live in Northeast Ohio, we are more safe from natural disasters than anyone in the world!” said one. Sure, that is true – but the natural disasters still happen. I can still imagine exactly what it would be like to be in one. And that makes me panic and not be able to breathe. One man hooked me up to a biofeedback machine that was intended to make me aware of my pulse and breathing and I was supposed to use my brain to make it change. Then when I learned to do that, I was supposed to apply that to situations where I was panicking. I should probably add, I was 9 when I went to this guy. NINE. And that was a late start, I should have probably been biofeedbacking since I was 2. Another one tried EMDR – Eye Movement Desensitization and Retraining. The problem with that was there are so many images I can conjure up and so many situations I can imagine, it was impossible to pinpoint one thing to focus on and make disappear. Though after Catharine died and I could not stop the video in my head of coming home and finding her dead, EMDR actually did get rid of that image. The point is, NO ONE has been able to take any of my anxiety, dread, panic, and lack of ability to save the world away.
So that is where I am right now. Tomorrow, I will be fine again and I will arrive at work and greet the dogs and high five Ken the Hamster and I will be just as happy as ever. Then I will sign a condolence card for someone whose pet died, and I will start panicking…until one of my coworkers says something funny and I will immediately forget that I was panicking. On my drive home I will see a lot of deer and at first I will be really happy, because it is super cool to see a lot of deer, but then I will start getting really sad because those deer will probably get hit by cars.
Now I am worried about the depressing nature of this post and the lack of humor. In Dartopia, posts like this will be forbidden!