Wow, I Suck.

I was SO GOOD about writing blogs diligently and then POOF – I suck all of a sudden.  My Thanksgiving Resolution is to not suck.  I even have some really good questions in my Ask the Darcy queue, and here I am, being all stupid and not writing anything.   I even have fun stuff to post – a new Mystery Button, some new Quotes and I think new videos, but now I can’t remember.

So, here comes this lovely question through the Ask the Darcy link:

tell us what happens when pets die. is there a difference if it is a tragedy, old age, or intentional old-age put-asleep-by-humans?

As my friend and coworker Lindsey pointed out, pets do not die.  However, in the crazy world where maybe they do die, all animals go to the same place and that is called Darcy’s Heaven.  That is also where I will go when I die.  If you go anywhere else, that is called Hell.

There is a giant hamster maze for the hamsters, but if they get sick of running into dead ends (no pun intended) they can just stand up and walk out of the maze.  They also have hamster wheels, but they do not stay in one place, they move.  So hamsters no longer have to run and run and run only to get nowhere because they are in a hamster wheel.

Cats have servants and unlimited scratchy posts.  They can do Happy Paws wherever they go.  They also have lots of hiding places and things to push off of tables and shelves.  There is no cat nip because I think cat nip is mean.  There is grass to eat and then throw up, if they choose that option.  And because this is my personal utopia, the kitties have no desire to chase the hamsters.

Dogs chase tennis balls and frisbees and have personal tummy petters.  Instead of sitting or falling on the ground when someone yells “Bang” and getting a treat, they get a treat when they bark or pee on things, because that is what they like to do best.  There are also a lot of swimming pools and couches that they can rip apart.

Horses have beds because I think it would suck to be a horse and have to sleep in a barn on hay, and it seems really awkward to be a horse and lie down.

Birds fly wherever they want because their wings are not clipped.

Snakes have entire lakes and streams and woods to go in, instead of glass cages.

Any animal that was abused has the chance to push a button that sends an electric shock to their still living abusers – but they do not use this option because that is exactly what makes animals better than humans.

It does not make a difference how the pet died, they all end up here.  All animals do, even zebras and lions and emus.

Speaking of zebras and lions and emus, this website is awesome.  I am not going to tell you what it is because it is a surprise and you will thank me when you get there.

My kitty Sabrina Von Squishy had surgery to remove a bump the size of a golfball and now she has to wear the Cone of Shame.

I am featured (and by that I mean, if you blink you will miss me) in a video.  I am at about 3 minutes and 30 seconds in, and you can see my hair as I lay my head on my desk and watch Ken the Hamster.  The narration is “We hire smart people, curious people….” and right when the CEO says “curious people” it goes onto me.  I am thinking by “curious” she did not mean “interested in finding things out” but “strange and somewhat off putting”.  The timing is fantastic.  Other people are shown doing smart things, working, etc.  And there I am with my head on the desk watching Ken.  This video kind of defines my life.

I have been sleeping on the couch so that I can stay downstairs with Sabrina Von Squishy, and she has taken to laying on my couch while I am using my laptop at night, and then when it is time for me to sleep, I can not lay down because she is in the middle of the couch.  So the other night I tried to coil myself around her, against the back of the couch, thinking it would be a lovely and snuggly way to sleep.  After 10 minutes of activity that looked like a beached whale trying to get back into the ocean, I ended up with my butt and legs on the couch and the rest of me on the floor.  Because my wrists are a part of my very special and unique body, they do not function – this means I was laying like that with essentially no means of pushing myself into a normal position.  So I rolled some more and ended up rolling my bottom half off of the couch with my arms tucked in so my wrists would not get hurt, and then I pushed myself up by my forehead and stood up.  Sabrina did not move the entire time, but she watched me with judgement in her eyes.  She was very amused.  I ended up sleeping sitting up next to her.

Here is a picture of Sabrina sleeping with her cone against the floor.  If you sing “Nobody Knows The Trouble I’ve Seen”, it makes it a lot better when you look at the picture.

Now here is a picture collage of Sabrina and the Cone of Shame.

Poor Squishy.  She does not like the Cone of Shame.