I Thought I Could Cook, But I Can’t.

Someone ASKED THE DARCY!  Yay anonymous person!  The question was:

do you cook? if so, what’s your specialty?

I sort of cook!  Kind of!  I have a few things that I make really well, but I rarely make them.  I actually bake a lot better than cooking real food, but then my friend at work showed up with this amazing homemade cake and I realized, I really don’t bake all that well, either!

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It had chocolate mousse and raspberries in the middle!

So anyway, I make a damn good lasagna.  I use those sheets of lasagna noodles that you don’t have to boil beforehand, and I spread ricotta cheese on them like I’m frosting them, because more cheese = good.  Then I put marinara sauce beefed up with extra tomatoes and spices and stuff, and then seasoned ground meat.  So that’s level 1.  Then I do another level of the noodles with ricotta cheese spread on them, and I mash it all down, and then I add more of the marinara, and a ton of shredded mozzarella and provolone.  Mash down with another layer of noodles, and repeat.  The ground meat is only on the bottom level, and you can also include ground up sausage, or whatever you want.  I would also put spinach in there, except my dad is afraid of green vegetables now, in addition to strawberries, so I don’t add spinach.  Then you bake it all and it is very cheesy and good.

I make the best grilled cheese in the world – but that doesn’t really count as cooking.

I make bean and ham soup and chicken noodle soup (like, not from a can, even!).

Shoot, I can’t think of anything else that I make.  I guess I don’t cook.  I am really good at microwaving things.  OH WAIT.  I make awesome mashed potatoes!!!  There!  That is cooking.

I guess I thought I could cook because I am a self sufficient eater, but when I think about it, I usually eat cereal or grilled cheese.  Or ice cream.

So my friend AJ just killed three spiders in his basement.  He does not like spiders.  I was going to tell him “Make sure you spray stuff at the top of the stairs so they can’t get upstairs” and then I realized that spiders don’t use the stairs and the door, they just kind of go where they want however they want.  That would be pretty funny if there was a group of spiders standing at the basement door trying to figure out how to get upstairs and get past the spider spray.

Today I was pretty sure I was dying, my lungs felt like I inhaled sand and my throat felt like there were hot stabby things in it.  I even called in sick to work, which I don’t normally do.  I was lying in bed, waiting to die, when the thought struck me that I might just be experiencing allergies.  Usually allergies in my world mean I’m itchy all the time, so I don’t know why I thought this might be allergies.  I took a Zyrtec, and lo and behold, a few hours later, no more stabbiness and no more sand in my lungs.  I feel like a moron that I called in sick for this.

On a related note, I nearly died on Monday because I ate one Sirracha potato chip.  ONE!  I know I’m allergic to chili powder, I didn’t think maybe I’m allergic to other spicy pepper things, too.  So I ate one and within an hour I was having hot flashes and my throat was all tight and not really allowing me to breathe, which I consider important.  I had to take Benedryl and I got Benedryl stoned at work.

My friend Erin congratulated me on a post I did about a week ago because I started on one topic and stayed on that topic the entire post.  I don’t think I have achieved that before or since.

I eat a lot of raspberries because I like them a lot and one time I bought a thingy of raspberries and I was happily eating them when I saw a little green worm working his way across the tops of the raspberries and I completely freaked out and threw the whole thing away and haven’t eaten raspberries (except in that awesome cake) since.  I really want some raspberries.  Another time, and I’m surprised I didn’t stop eating raspberries after this one, at Menchie’s when I worked there for the shortest time ever, there was a dead bee stuffed inside one of the raspberries.  After that I inspected every piece of fruit we put out because I didn’t want someone to eat a bee by accident.  There is also that picture that circulates every couple of years online of the frog inside a bag of lettuce that I really like to think is photoshopped.

I wish I liked blueberries, but I can’t stand the texture.  I can eat them if they are in yogurt with granola added in because then the granola outcrunches the texture of the blueberries.

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