I Missed.

It’s not surprising to find out I missed – my aim and timing is horrible.  You could throw a tennis ball right at me and I’d probably flail and bat it away rather than catch it.

But that’s not what I missed.  I missed being responsible, and I also missed being irresponsible – I did not do either one right.

I had credit card debt in my 20’s, not because I was spending money on lavish vacations and clothes and really cool experiences, but because I had my own insurance and was paying for my own medical supplies, not all of which were covered by insurance.  So yeah, I racked up debt in my 20’s, but I had no fun.

So now I have horrible credit because you know, I could never pay those bills.  I did once every three years or so, I’d pay off a credit card bill or a hospital bill that I was getting sued over, but I never paid them frequently enough to reestablish my credit. Now I can’t get a credit card.

I still have the medical bills.  As my dad put it as he was walking past me to go to bed the other night, “You know you have two people suing you for medical bills.  Goodnight”.  It is just a fact of my life that I will never be able to actually be irresponsible and blow money on something like, you know, a Porsche, because I am just constantly blowing all that money on X-Rays of my wrists and insulin pump supplies.

There was a brief period in my life when I didn’t have my own insurance and my dad paid for my stuff (under his insurance) where I DID blow money on theater, and that was awesome.  But it has been a good 15 years since I got into debt for a really good reason.  Now I can’t pay bills and my parents say “Where is all your money?” and I don’t say “Oh, I drove to Philadelphia for the weekend and saw RENT three times”, I say “Well, I had to buy three prescriptions, contact lenses, pay for two doctor appointments and pay off one of the 5 people coming after me for past due hospital bills, one of which I’m fairly certain was never even put through my insurance”.  That is SO FREAKING BORING!

I decided, screw it!  With all these medical bills, that means I’ll die early anyway, right?  No one can pay out that much money and live long!  So I thought I’d get a credit card, buy a few new black tee shirts (seriously, I am wild and there is no stopping me), possibly a new hoodie, and I will drive to Pennsylvania for the weekend to see my friend’s son’s first communion!!  WILD WOMAN!  But I can’t do that because I can’t get credit.

I don’t even have a credit card.  I had a Giant Eagle credit card that was actually attached to someone else’s account, and we all know that story – it was stolen and maxed out.  I did not even get to spend money irresponsibly on groceries, someone else did!

The last time I just said “to hell with it” was when I got my student loan refund and tax refund at the same time and spent a week in NYC, and I have NO REGRETS.  It was probably the best decision of my life.  That was 2009?  2010?  One of those.  After I paid off the credit card from that adventure, I made the mistake of canceling it, only to find I will never be able to open a credit card account again.  If I didn’t pay it off, I might still have a credit card to abuse.

I had to take money out of my 401K when I was unemployed (so that I could pay for my medical bills), and I decided I’d take out enough to pay off my car loan and all my cards.  I did, and then it turns out the financial people didn’t have me take the right amount out in taxes first, so my reward for sacrificing my retirement fund – that I contributed religiously to – is that I get to pay $1,200 in taxes now.

Sure, I have clearly not been financially responsible – but I have also not been irresponsible.  I didn’t get the benefit of the fun of living as if I have money and I don’t get the benefit of having money saved.  That kind of sucks.

On another note, I waited a month to post this so as not to expose the good person who did this.  Someone gave me $100 to show that there are good people who don’t steal money and credit cards, and he did it anonymously (I mean, I know who he is, but no one else does), and he did it just to show that things aren’t all that bad.  I keep trying to remember how amazingly random and kind that was, so when I get all bitchy about how things aren’t fair, I think about him and people like him (who are few and far between).  Then I try to make myself one of those people, so when someone else is having a bad time, they think “Well, Darcy is a good point in our lives”.  I think I’m kind of failing at that right now because I’m in a “life isn’t fair” phase.  Not fair for anyone, not just me.  A good part of the unfair things I’m upset about have happened to other people, not me.

Normally I write these stream of consciousness things when I’m panicking or in a lot of pain and under the influence of Percoset, but right now I’m writing it under the influence of a very small amount of Grey Goose vodka.  I don’t drink, so it doesn’t take much.  Here’s the infuriating part – vodka is addicting, kills your liver, is expensive, impairs judgement and the ability to do things, but it’s legal.  The reason I drank it was because I was so nervous, and I don’t have Klonopin, so I had a beverage.  Klonopin is not addicting, does not have side effects, and does not make me impaired.  One I can have as much as I want of, and the other I can’t have at all.  One is harmful and the other isn’t.  It seems like the choice is obvious, but because things aren’t fair, it’s not obvious.

OH – and this is my last rant.  “No one said life is fair”.  I HATE that!  No one said a lot of things, but that doesn’t mean they don’t suck.  Just because no one said life is fair doesn’t mean that when it isn’t fair, it doesn’t suck.  Things don’t suck less just because no one said anything about it.  And if someone DID say “Hey, life isn’t fair!” it would not help my cause at all, not even a little bit.  It’s not like that statement would suddenly make me feel better about anything.  So who cares if no one said life is fair?  Why is that even a thing??  If you eat too much cereal and feel gross, do you sit there and say “Well, no one said not to eat too much cereal” and then everything is right again?  That phrase is just so useless, I don’t even understand why it exists.  Explain!

2 thoughts on “I Missed.

  1. i can’t explain. I’m sorry. life isn’t fair and you know what? that’s a good thing. most people get what they deserve or what they can handle or both at the same time which is funny and scary and mean to say. i know this from my own experiences, both good and bad. i completely understand about not having credit and having debt and medical bills. i completely sympathize AND emphasize. and that’s rare for me. i’ve used up my retirement savings – all whopping ten k of it, wouldn’t suze orman be proud – to pay for medical bills and living expenses. now i have nothing. sure, i have no debt and no bills, but i also have no savings and no cushion. it’s stressful but easy to discard in my overstuffed like a RAC recliner mind. i have a good friend who has the same mindset as you: to holy heck with the bills and the debt, it was accrued for medical reasons so you’ll probably not live to retirement or a ripe old cantaloupe age anyhow, so might as well kind of enjoy things now and not stress about the student loans, medical bills, and credit card phone calls. and for the record it’s refreshing to hear that life isn’t all peaches and bees for you. that was mean. what I mean is we all have money problems and anyone who says they don’t is a liar.

    • I appreciate that you enjoy my lack of peach and bee life 😉 Do I know who you are because you mentioned bees, and I actually have an overabundance of bees right now, in my family room. So I don’t have peaches, but I have bees, and you are welcome to them if you’d like. You don’t have to say who you are, that is the joy of…well, something. The internet, I guess. But anyway, bees have drilled their way through the wall into my family room. I think I’m going off topic now.

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