Someone asked, via Ask the Darcy:
Why do you hate old diabetic purebred dogs and want them to die? (Just kidding!) Seriously now: your bunk bed post made me realize how much I always wanted a bunk bed and thought kids that had them were super awesome. Was there a toy or thing you envied or coveted as a child?
We all know Dia-bee-tus is very contagious, and it can pass from dog to owner very easily, especially if the owner touches the dog while eating candy bars – then you are SURE TO GET THE DIA-BEE-TUS! And because I am a Dog Racist, I will not tolerate the old, the pancreatically challenged, or the pure. Or the German, for that matter. Or Mexican humans, I have no tolerance for them, ESPECIALLY if they are over 30.
That paragraph is exactly why people shouldn’t write things on the internet. Someone might take it out of context, and people will be boycotting me. But I will never take back what I said about the Dia-bee-tus, because man, that is just true. Never drink from the same glass, you might catch it!
You are absolutely right that kids with bunk beds are like, a million times more awesome than regular kids. (Unless you are a kid with Dia-bee-tus and a bunk bed, then one negates the other). First, they have the ability to be up higher than you, so you have to look up at them. That right there is a sign that they are more awesome. Then also, they can protect themselves better from an intruder because they are up high and the intruder might not look up, so then the bunk bed kid can leap down on top of the intruder and foil them.
I am trying very hard to think of things I envied when I was a kid. I know that I drooled over Teddy Ruxpin because I was positive he was talking on his own (not a cassette tape shoved in his back) and that he would be my friend. I was kind of obsessed with any toy that had its own world, like Cabbage Patch Kids or Care Bears or My Little Pony, but I had all those. This is going to sound awful. I think I had a lot of stuff. I loved all things Smurf. I had a scarily active imagination and to me, these worlds were totally real. I would see the commercials of some kid playing with My Buddy and I would think that my world would be that green and that happy and that bright (not that it wasn’t, but you know, commercials make everything look better) if I just had a My Buddy to be my friend.
My stuffed animals were alive, this was a fact. My biggest source of stress as a child…well, ok, EVERYTHING stressed me out, I was a very worried kid…but one of the biggest stresses in my life was that I needed to make sure my stuffed animals were happy at all times. I just called my mom, who is sitting on the back porch and I’m in the family room, and asked her what toys I liked and she said “Stuffed animals. That’s it. Lots and lots of stuffed animals”.
I NEEDED any kind of clubhouse or miniature home. They used to have those really horrid crappy cardboard playhouses and I took those very seriously. I also sat in empty boxes a lot. Hm. Come to think of it, I spent a good part of my childhood sitting in cardboard boxes, which is ironic because I HATE cardboard.
I had Transformers and Matchbox cars. My mom stood in line overnight at Toys R Us to get the first round of Cabbage Patch Kids. I never wanted dolls, but these weren’t dolls. They had their own damn world, so I needed them.
I NEVER got a Pound Puppy even though I really wanted one. Well, I take that back. We were driving in the parking lot of Medic in Solon and my mom stopped the car because she saw something and there in the parking lot, new in the box, was a Pound Puppy. No one was looking for it, so we took it and that’s how I got a Pound Puppy.
I loved the Spirograph and my brother’s chemistry set that he made something that smelled like sulfer with and we had to escape the house. He also made skunk. I liked Tinker Toys and Legos – we had a TON of Legos. Not the stupid Lego Sets that they have now, but just Legos were you could build what you wanted and you didn’t have to build a premade thing. But again, that was all secondary to stuffed animals.
I loved all things miniature – mini versions of real things. Easy Bake Oven and this Cabbage Patch broom and dustpan set were my favorites. I also really liked miniature play food – like little boxes of cereal or little eggs and things that you could put in your little yellow and orange shopping cart.
But mostly…stuffed animals. At some point in the past 10 years I was horrified to find out that Big Koala existed for other kids and not just me. I mean, I KNOW that I have THE Big Koala, but he had like, brothers and sisters that looked just like him and one of his siblings showed up in a picture or an ad or a tv show or something and I did research and found out that there are others of him out there. Not HIM, Big Koala is THE ONLY Big Daddy K out there, but you know, imposters.
I had Eleroo.
I had this green Popple.
Oh seriously, I’m going to do it and my mom is going to kill me. I’m going to go out and unearth all my stuffed animals just so I can take a picture of them and name them all on my blog. I’m doing it. Right now.
I did it. This is like, over a month later, but that very night I went out and unearthed all of my stuffed animals and set them up in the Family Room where they have been ever since, much to the dismay of my parents. I had my nieces over and tried forcing them to situate my friends in a nice family photo, and they refused to do it. So I had to do it, and because I’m lazy, it took me over a month to do it. This is a picture of half of them. The other half is unceremoniously dumped on an easy chair. But the ones who mean the most and are the oldest are in this picture:
Look closely, 80’s children, and you shall see (all originals, none of these modern remakes): a Pillow Pet (HuggaBear), CareBear (Funshine), two Wuzzles, two Popples, a 1970’s era Snoopy that plays music, AG Bear, two Benji’s, a Wrinkles puppet and the very first generation of Cabbage Patch Kid and Preemie. Added are some friends you might not recognize from their fame, such as Big Koala (he only has one eye), Dave Moose (the biggest one there), Bosco (sitting in Dave Moose’s lap), MooseMoose on the right arm of the couch (the couch’s right, not yours), Dug, Monkey, Snowball who went through the washing machine fluffy and white and came out a dingy unsoft unrecognizable blob, Bunnicula whose name grew the older I got until he was eventually Bunnicula Harry Johnny Robert (Bunnicula from 5th grade, Harry for Harry Connick Jr. and Harry Anderson in my later middle school years, and Johnny and Robert for Johnny Depp and Robert Downey Jr. in my early high school years).
So there you have it, my childhood friends.