I have a series of events I need to tell you about.
First, AJ and I went to see This Is The End. There’s going to be spoilers here, even though the movie is not the main topic. So stop reading now if you don’t want to know anything. I had NO idea what the movie was about, just that it was supposed to be really funny and I’m all about really funny. AJ made me bring in his super fancy BMW M3 umbrella in case it rained, and he doesn’t like holding it because it makes him feel wimpy, so I had to be in charge of it. I put it in the cup holder next to me on my right. On my left was our shared Coke Zero. AJ was to my left, so the Coke Zero was between us. Everything was fine, I was simultaneously horrified and amused by the movie. Then, Jonah Hill turned into a demon and Satan started showing up. Among my list of fears, in the top five would be Satan. It’s not a religious thing. I am scared of Satan in the same way I am scared of Lord Voldemort or Freddy Krueger. So Satan appeared and scared me so badly that I did the world’s most epic flap causing the Coke Zero to go airborne and bounce off of AJ on to the floor. After I recovered from that, it was time to leave and I was still so freaked out by Satan that I left AJ’s super umbrella in the movie theater. So I dumped Coke Zero on him and lost his umbrella.
That’s story Number One.
Story Number Two is about my mom. She asked me if I needed anything from Walgreens, and I did. Backstory – my family is so uptight we can’t discuss that thing that happens every month to women. Since I was about 13, my dad referred to it as “Uhhh, the uhh, you’ve got a Situation going on, huh?”. So now we Situate and we buy Situations. I said “I need Situations” and I wrote down “Always or Kotex, Regular”. My mom returned with Stayfree Ultrathins. And a can of dog food. We don’t have a dog. I thought I’d give her a chance to explain herself before I passed judgement, and she said “Darcy, Situations are so different now. There are so many options. I didn’t know what to do so I asked the lady for help”. So now, armed with a surly Walgreens employee, they went back to the Situation aisle. The surly employee grabbed something off the shelf and said “Here, this is what you want” and my mom said “But this doesn’t say regular” and the employee said “Well these are the regular ones”. My mom was so intimidated she bought those (Stayfree Ultrathins) and apparently bought dog food as an impulse item.
Because I’m nice, I decided to let her explain the dog food, too, before I just assumed she has become a crazy lady who buys random things and hoards them. She thought it was cat food. I asked about the picture of the dog on the front and she said “Oh, it looked like a cat”.
Lastly, I got my car fixed today and when I went to pick it up they gave me a small keychain flashlight. I immediately became overly excited and clapped my hands and said “Wow, really?? This is so cool!” and the lady said “Yeah, it’s so you can find us in the dark”. After my completely spastic reaction to the flashlight, the joke paled in comparison and I didn’t even really get it at first so I shouted “HA! THAT IS VERY FUNNY!” while NOT laughing. The lady just smiled and nodded which I have come to learn means “Please don’t interact with me anymore”, so I left with my flashlight.
That’s all I’ve got. Ask the Darcy. I have a couple questions in there, but I don’t really like them, so I’m ignoring them.