Kids Scare Me.

Someone asked, via Ask the Darcy:

You refer to your nieces often, but I know for a fact you don’t like kids.  Why don’t you like kids, and why do you like your nieces?

A very observant person, it is true, I do NOT like children and I DO like my nieces.

I do not like kids because they are unpredictable, nerve wracking, they could leak at any moment from any body part, they might break, they might break something of mine, they are grabby, they make noises the human ear should not ever experience, they have no sense of space, and I do not know how to interact with them.

You would really think that I would be able to interact with children well because I never really matured past the age of 12.  But think about it – I never matured past the age of 12, so I am selfish, possessive, and I do not like people messing with my stuff.  Kids will just like, grab things.  And they are always grubby.  So they are grabbing my things with grubby hands and I hate that.  Or they just go and sit on you or climb on you like it’s ok.  And if I’m going to play a game, I want to play it MY way and kids just don’t get when an adult won’t let them win or bend the rules.

The noise factor is obvious, kids just let out screeches and ear shattering screams for no reason.  They could be happy, they could be sad, you don’t know because they make the same noise either way.

I tend to announce things or make statements, and many times these statements might be considered intrusive or inappropriate.  I’m working on it.  But the fact remains, I’m  not always aware if I make a statement like “You are standing too close to me” and someone takes offense to it – I’m WAY better, but not always aware.  I am hypocritical and one of the reasons I do not like kids is because they say unpredictable things, much in the same way I do.  I never know how to respond when kids say things.  Then sometimes I say things to the kid that the kid maybe should not have heard and I just make it worse when I try to back peddle my way out of the situation.

Kids make fun of me!  My friend’s 8 year old rolls her eyes when I demand answers to questions about Disney shows.  The most recent exchange was about Shake It Up and I didn’t know why Gunter left.  So my friend asked her kid, and the kid answered, but it wasn’t enough detail, so I asked more questions.  When Karyn said “Darcy has more questions about Shake It Up” the kid said “What now?”  I like that kid, though, so that’s not a good example, but kids make fun of me in general.

Kids stare.  Yes, I stare, too, but again, it’s completely different when I do it.  I do not like to be stared at and kids stare.

I like my nieces, but they are not exempt from my “Kid Rules”.  When they get crazy and loud, I can get really cranky with them and flap.  Then they make fun of me.  When they were little, I wouldn’t babysit them alone because I was scared of leakage and breakage.  They were about 2 or 3 before I felt they were solid enough to interact with.  I have a hard time sharing my toys with them.  But I like them a lot.  There are other kids I like, but only a few.  Mostly my friends kids.

When I was a kid, I did not like other kids for all the same reasons.  Mostly the unpredictable part.  Actually, though, I think that goes for most people, they are unpredictable.

Two of my best “kid reaction” moments were, I think, both at Winking Lizard (but different times).  I was with my friend Karyn and there was a screaming child and I said something to the effect of “If that kid doesn’t shut up I’m going to punch it in the face” and she said “yeah, you should never have kids”.  The other time was when I was commenting on yet another unruly kid and my friend Mary said “I guess this is a bad time to tell you this, then…” and pulled out her ultrasound which was the first I learned she was pregnant.

Teenagers REALLY scare me.  I am totally intimidated by them.

Here is some photographic evidence that I have interacted with kids.  I am horrified to say that I am wearing the same green tee shirt in two of them, but they were taken at completely different times.

This is me and my niece Maggie when she was a baby.

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This is me and Maggie and Emily a couple years ago.

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This is me and my friend Tiffany’s kid.

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This is me and my friend Mary (and Mark)’s first kid, Lucy.

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This is me with Mary (and Mark)’s second kid, Vivi.  (please note the awesome display of my tattoo as well as the kid)

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4 thoughts on “Kids Scare Me.

  1. Gosh I hadn’t really thought about it but you’re right…..kids do leak and break…..which is a rather unsettling fact. I never had kids of my own – just cats – although they can leak and break as well, somehow it’s DIFFERENT.

    Pam

  2. Pam, my cat could throw up directly on me and I’d be like “Ohhh, my baby, she throws up so cutely!” but if a kid did it, I’d probably pass out!

  3. I think you should revise this as you *do* like kids. And have more photographic evidence to prove it. Moreover, I can provide testimonials that kids like YOU! And your long luxurious hair.

    • HA! Is it just me, or did none of the pictures work? I think I need to fix that. I need more Lucy and Vivi videos.

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