Because my family is awesome, they did this:
This day was created because I’m not a mom or a dad, but I’m a pretty awesome aunt, so they gave me a day!
I got to go to Mario’s Spa and get one hour massage which was the most glorious thing ever on the face of the earth. I was warned about this ahead of time so that I could, you know, shave my legs. Also I was warned because you go into a hot tub first. So last night I tried on my bathing suit and had several moments of self loathing when I realized my ass was too big for my bathing suit. Unbeknownst to me, my mom got up early and went out and brought home four bathing suits for me to try on! So I was able to make use of the hot tub.
Let me go back a little. Before I got into the hot tub I was led to a room full of ladies wearing bathrobes. I was then given a bathrobe and told to put it on as well, and I was given flip flops. There are two reactions that I have to things that freak me out – I go hard core and JUST DO IT or I completely freak out. Really, the only time I can think of where I went hard core was when I was 14 and learning how to give myself insulin shots in front of 6 med students. I was horrified and terrified and embarrassed because shots made me cry, but I didn’t want to cry in front of everyone, so I just did it. Anyway, I had to call upon that version of Darcy in order to sit in my bathing suit with a bathrobe on and flip flops, which I DO NOT approve of (that thing between my toes, omg, I can’t even stand it). Then I had to flop my way down stairs. This spa is in an AWESOME old mansion house. The hot tub is in a room with rocks for the walls and water fountain things. It was fantastic. Then the lady said “when you’re done, you can put your bathing suit in this bag and put your robe back on”. They did not give me the Fat Lady Robe, they gave me the Normal Person Robe. It concealed nothing. I said “I’m sorry, take off my bathing suit?” and she said “yes, just take it off and put it in this bag”. I said “I am not wearing anything under my bathing suit” and she said “You aren’t supposed to”. I said “that robe….without a bathing suit…it won’t work”. So she got me another robe and that worked, but guess what – I LEFT MY BATHING SUIT ON!
I flip flopped back up to the massage room where the lady said “take off your bathing suit and get on the table” and I said “take it off?” and she said “yes” and I said “I don’t have anything on under it” and she said “that’s normal”. Then she said I would be covered the whole time. I summoned my inner I Like To Be Naked Person (I don’t have one, it turns out) and I took off my bathing suit. I was dying. I was actually hyperventilating. Like, gasping. That probably looked weird. Thankfully I was breathing normally when she came back in.
Then I had the most amazing massage ever in my life and I didn’t care if I was butt nekkid and had an audience, that is how awesome it was.
Then I found out I was expected to change into my clothes (I thought ahead and had under garments, yay me!) in a “changing room” that involved other people being there. I locked myself in the bathroom instead. It turns out, the lock didn’t work. It also turns out that the woman who opened the door does not have quick reflexes because when I said “AHHHH!” she kept opening the door.
I am currently waiting for my brother and sister in law and nieces to arrive for Auntie Darcy Day Part II.
Here is my cat from this morning, I love her. Stay tuned for Part II of Auntie Darcy Day tomorrow. It involves the kitchen catching on fire.
And you can still Ask the Darcy.