…And then there are the things that I feel no guilt for whatsoever.
1. I speak my mind. I usually do not hold back if I see something I think is wrong. I am not rude – I do not tell people “Wow, that outfit looks bad, you should never wear it again”, but I do tell people if they have done something mean or destructive and I will straight up ask them, why did you just do that? I will say things to people if their children are behaving like idiots and destroying things. And I will absolutely call the police if you leave your pet locked in your car or tied to a chain or any other evil act. But most of all, if you are doing something that you are too ashamed to admit in public, and that something hurts me in some way, I will discuss that thing openly with people you know. For instance, I have mentioned Colleen before. Long story short, I went to college with her and she did something unspeakably horrible to me that involved lying. I had no issue discussing what she did with any mutual acquaintances. She intended to keep it a secret and never speak of it again, but when that secret hurts ME, you better believe I will openly discuss it as the fact that it is and call you out on it. This is different than gossip – I do not gossip. I expose facts. If you wanted those facts hidden, you should not have done them in the first place. Things that people “sweep under the rug” because they did something bad and think it should not be mentioned – I mention it. If you felt it needed to be hidden, you should not have done it (specifically to me). I am not saying I go around saying “Jane picked her nose”, I mean, if you tell elaborate lies that end up hurting me and the lies were about something “we don’t talk about in public”, I will not hesitate to talk about it openly. Have the damn sense not to do these things and if you are doing something that you think is bad and needs to be kept a secret, take that as a hint and stop doing it. All that is to say, I have no shame in calling people out in their extreme misdeeds against me or humanity in general (again, not gossip and not inconsequential things) (like nose picking).
2. I have no guilt that I have woken people up at 3am because I was thinking too hard about what would happen if that person died, and then I got anxiety and sad, and then I woke that person up to tell them I do not want them to die or go away. This has happened with AJ and Catharine and my parents. In a similar vein, I do not feel guilty that I wake my cat up to squish her and tell her I love her even if she is in a deep sleep.
3. I have no guilt that I am transparent and overly sincere. For a long time I felt bad that I am so very, very out there, but I do not have that guilt and bad feeling anymore. Yes, I say things that most people do not say out loud – like posting a message that my whole company can see on our intranet welcoming the new person by saying “I ran into you in the kitchen and when I realized I did not know you, I ducked my head and ran. Sorry about that. Welcome to the company”. Some might say, hey, that is just weird. But that is what happened, so why not put it out there and move on? That is what I am. On a positive note, instead of thinking I am insane, our CEO thought it was really funny. But most people, apparently, do not put their strangeness right out there for the world to see, they hide it. I am horrible at hiding things, so I might as well just put it right out there from the beginning. This is me and I am incapable of smiling my way through a party where I have to be demure and do small talk, because why would anyone want to be false? So I say things at said parties like “Wow, you do that job? I would never be able to do that, you must have to drink a lot of coffee to stay awake for it”, instead of “How fascinating that you are an accountant, I have always loved accounting”. Again, I do not insult people (usually, and definitely not on purpose), but I am not ashamed or guilty that I do not put on airs or a false personality for anyone. Every person gets the same version of me, whether they like it or not! And most of the time, my “honesty” is in the form of “OH MY GOSH REALLY??” because I am very easily impressed with people and the things they do or have or have seen, etc. If I walk into a fancy house, I don’t say “this house is lovely”, I respond enthusiastically and say “This house is AMAZING! OH MY GOSH! Wow, look at THAT!”.
4. I have no guilt that I am not a morning person. I thought something was wrong with me because I can NOT wake up early and be bright and shiny. I can’t even wake up at noon and be bright and shiny. But I can organize fundraisers and write blogs and read books at 3am with fervor. Some people just work better at night, and I happen to be one of those people.
5. I have no guilt that I am very sensitive to violence and scary things. In fact, I am PROUD that I am sensitive to these things. I was openly mocked on Facebook when I responded with horror to an actual video of police shooting and killing a man (it was necessary, they had no choice, my issue is NOT with what they had to do). My issue is that I have never seen a person shot to death. It traumatized me. This was months ago and I have not “gotten over” it yet. The response of my Facebook “friends” was to laugh at me for being horrified at seeing a man shot and killed, and then they presented me with other, even more horrifying things, as if to say “Look, it gets even worse, isn’t that neat”? No, it isn’t neat. People SHOULD be horrified when they see someone killed. I understand the “train wreck” psychology where people have a tendency to watch something horrible happen with interest and they can’t help it, I have done that, too. I mean, I am the one who chose to watch the video of the police shooting and killing that man (though I didn’t realize the killing was part of the video, I thought it was just shooting) But more people in this world should be horrified at how casually we accept violence and torture and abuse, and I am not guilty or ashamed that I am EXTREMELY sensitive to these things and will ask for people to stop discussing things in front of me, or to change the channel, etc. I still have a perfect video memory in my head of a soldier getting beheaded by Al Qaida (or some terrorist group) when September 11th caused a war to happen. They showed that video somewhere that I was able to see it, I never would have sought it out. I am still traumatized. There are people who seek out videos like that and I am not sure what they are proving by doing that. We have become completely desensitized to violence and abuse and torture, and that is something that every single person should be horrified by. Maybe that would help it happen less. One last example on that front – a dog was chained to a tree in Cleveland Heights and shot and left there. He was still alive. He is in a very good home now, so it is a happy ending, but as his story came out, it was revealed that he spent his entire life chained to a garage and neighborhood kids were welcome to throw things at him, hit him and abuse him. Why wasn’t anyone horrified by this? Why was this ok for these kids? Didn’t any of them realize what they were doing and think “This is awful”? No, they didn’t. Not enough people are sensitive.
How do ya like them apples? Ask the Darcy.
Here is an unrelated picture of Kramer the Rottweiler mix giving me a hug.