My Pea Pod.

There is a group on Facebook for the neighborhood I live in, and people post things like “Hey, I’m doing a fundraiser” or “This person had a baby, let’s bring them dinner” or “There was a black bear spotted, keep your pets safe” (ok, I posted that one) (the response was less than friendly, they seemed to think keeping their kids safe was more important).  Anyway, someone posted that their cat is missing.   This cat, right here.

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Her name is Daphne and she is an indoor only cat who snuck out the door one night.

That is a freaking cute cat.  Even if she weren’t as cute as she is, I would still be very concerned because if my cat got out, I would have an army of people looking for her nonstop until she was found.  Also, she would go about two feet and stop to eat a leaf, so it would be easy to find her.  So anyway, I go outside with a bag of cat treats and I’m calling this cat’s name and shaking the bag, and I wandered around for a bit doing that, and then every time I leave my house I circle the neighborhood slowly looking for her.  I posted that and asked why there are no “Lost Cat” signs up, and I asked if anyone else is looking for the cat.  No response.  Around midnight one night I saw a cat, but it was dark, so I could not tell if it was this cat, so I stopped my car, shook my bag of treats (yes, I was carrying them just for this kitty) and called “Daphne!” and the kitty stopped and sat down in someone’s driveway.  I started to get out of my car and then another stupid car sped by and the cat ran away.  So I posted that, and said, hey, maybe she is hanging out by that house.  No response.

I am getting pissed off.  I am the only damn person looking for this poor cat, and it has been raining and weird weather and she is an indoor kitty, so she does not know how to find food or shelter.  Why are these people slacking?  So now I hate them.  If I find their cat I am going to keep her.  They posted one thing, and that was when I asked what phone number I should call if I find her.  Not even “Hey, thanks for looking” or “We have been searching 23 hours every day, too” or “The Lost Cat signs are going up tomorrow”.  Just the phone number.  I am not going to stop looking for the kitty, though, because it is not the kitty’s fault she has such crappy owners.

On another note, I really want Anthony Rapp to call me on December 24th, at 9pm, Eastern Standard Time, and I really want Evanna Lynch to leave my outgoing voicemail as Luna Lovegood.  And I can have all that, and more, look!  

I was eating sugar snap peas because I have discovered they are delicious and I do not usually eat vegetables, so if I find a vegetable delicious, I eat it.  While I was eating one – and it was squishy, I might add, because all my vegetables need to be squishy – I felt something stick in the back of my throat.  That was over 24 hours ago and ever since then, I am positive there is a pea pod wrapped around one of my tonsils.  I can feel it.  It feels weird.  The Pea Pod was originally on my left tonsil and has migrated to my right tonsil.  Sometimes it makes me cough and other times it makes me choke while I am eating.  The Pea Pod has in some way attached itself to my tonsil and is probably growing a Pea Tree or something, and eventually I will die from a Pea Tree growing out of my mouth.  At least, I hope that is the direction it grows because I do not like the other option.  Either way, I will have died from a Pea Pod, so it is going to suck.  I have tried lots of things to dislodge my Pea Pod, like swallowing lots and lots of water, eating large chunks of food without chewing it well so that it takes up all the space in my throat and drags the Pea Pod down with it, various forms of coughing and hacking, and finally, poking it  from the outside.  None of these things have worked.

I have also discovered that my skull is misshapen, and I just discovered that now, this very minute.  I scratched a spot on my head and I felt my misshapen skull so now I am pretty sure there is something wrong there, too.  Like, maybe the Pea Pod released spores and they have gone into my brain.  There was a lady once and she had a pea in her lung, I am positive I am not making that up.  It happened and it was in the news.  That makes it entirely possible that I have a Pea Pod Spore In My Brain.  And since I felt it on the outside of my head, that means it is extremely powerful and trying to get out.

After all that, all I can think about is how I want to eat sugar snap peas right now.  OMG.  It is the influence of the Pea Pod Spore In My Brain, it is making me think about peas and wanting to eat them.  No one craves peas, that is abnormal.  I AM ALREADY BEING AFFECTED BY THE PEA POD.  But that means the Pea Pod is a cannibal if it is forcing me to want to eat more of its kind.  OR – the original Pea Pod was NOT a cannibal but the Pea Pod Spore In My Brain has gone evil and became cannibalistic and THAT is why I am wanting to eat more of its kind.  This is so complex.

Save this blog for when I die so that Science can find out what went wrong.

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Oh hell, what if THIS is what is growing in my brain?  I do not want a weird freaky pea baby in  my head.  This might be one of the most freakish, messed up pictures I have ever seen. Who would Photoshop their baby into a giant pea pod?  WHO DOES THAT?

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One thought on “My Pea Pod.

  1. Too bad about Daphne……seems weird her owners don’t care about finding her but good for you – who knows – perhaps she’ll respond to your treat bag shake one of these nights. As for the pea pod fiasco – something tells me you have nothing to fear but fear itself (I know somebody famous said that but I can’t remember who so I’m stealing it).

    Pam

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