I have asked a customer “When did you get Lucky” twice now, and it is getting embarrassing. We have to ask when they brought their pet home, and it makes sense if the pet’s name does not cause you to ask a really personal and intrusive question. “When did you get Lola”? “When did you get Marcus?” “When did you get Lucky?” I say it, and it just hangs there. The customer does not know what to do, I do not know what to do, it just sits.
To keep with the tradition of announcing when I am influenced by something other than my already frenetic brain, I am currently under the influence of Benedryl. I have not been falling asleep early enough so I took Benedryl. But then when it starts working, I really like that feeling of being slightly stoned. I mean, it’s Benedryl, come on. Benedryl has a weird effect on me, though. Most over the counter things I could probably overdose on and I would never know it, but all it takes is one Benedryl and I might as well be on crack. I took TWO Bendryls tonight. I AM A WILD WOMAN. This is how Ambien Zombies happen. You take Ambien and then you stay awake and pretty soon you are driving a car and having conversations that you never remember. I am not that hard core, so I am a Bendryl Zombie. Since I do not usually remember anything and I am spacey and sleepy all the time anyway, you can not really tell any difference.
I want to make something called the No Offense Butt. All kids go through this stage where they say “No offense, but you are really ugly”. They start out by saying that they do not intend to offend, and then they say something really offensive. This has bothered me for as long as I can remember. It is as if they think saying “No offense” will actually make the offensive comment unoffensive. Well, it does not. So I want to make a butt on a pedestal and hand it out to anyone who says “No offensive, but” and it will be called the No Offense Butt. The person has to carry it around with them until they learn that they are really stupid and that I hate that phrase. Let me rephrase that – kids who say that are not stupid, they just need a little bit of a slap upside the head until they realize what they are saying. If you are over 12 and you say it, you are really stupid. You should have The No Offense Butt carved into your forehead, that is how much you deserve it.
I totally fell asleep while writing that and now it is tomorrow. Well, it is today, but from yesterday, it is tomorrow.
There is a sparrow in a shopping basket on my back porch. He was in Big Lots and my mom saw him hopping around so she hopped after him and caught him and took him home and now he is on my back porch in the basket with some leaves, bird seed, a little thing of water and some ripped up tee shirts. He is just sitting there in the corner and my mom said I am not allowed to pick him up because he is sleeping because he has had a long day. He is not dead, I know this because I saw him breathing. She is going to take him to a nature center place tomorrow so they can fix him because he was only hopping and not flying.
Here is a picture of my cat in a giant nest of blankets on my bed.