My mom loves The Priests. I was going to take her to their concert in Cleveland but for reasons unbeknownst to me, they cancelled their concert here. So we decided to take a field trip to Cincinnati to see them, and Cincinnati is 4.5 hours away from where I live. That means a long time in the car and then staying overnight in a hotel and then a long time in the car again.
So we start for our trip and my dad was outside raking leaves and he came in and told me “if your mother finds any casinos there, don’t let her go”. Then he said to my mom “Darcy has to call State Farm on the way there and pay her car insurance bill, make sure she does it”. So we were both in trouble, basically. On our way out I said “Bye Daddy, I love you” and he said “yeah, bye, see ya”. That was funny.
We pulled out of the driveway and immediately turned the wrong way out of our development and had to turn around. Shortly after that, I took a drink of my iced coffee and spilled it down the front of my shirt. Then an hour in to the drive we decided we were hungry and had to stop to eat.
We stopped at Perkins because they have delicious “breakfast potatoes” and it smelled like pee and there was a baby there and my mom was obsessed with the baby but I did not like the baby. I explained to my mom what a “selfie” is and she said we needed to do a Perkins selfie. Thus began our vacation selfies.
We got to Cincinnati and found our hotel, but that city is filled with one way streets and we could not figure out how to park. It turns out we were supposed to park in front of the door and they park the car for you, but we found this out after 30 minutes of circling, finding a garage, figuring out where to park in the garage, and figuring out how to get back to the front door of the hotel.
The hotel room was neat, it seems like possibly it was a building of condos converted into a hotel, because we had two bedrooms, a living room, a kitchen and a dining area. We were happy about the two bedrooms because my mom snores and randomly shouts in her sleep, and I have sleep apnea and loudly stop breathing and wake up those around me. I also specifically got a room with a balcony so a) my mom could smoke and b) we could have an “accident” if either one of us decided they were sick of the other.
We learned the shuttle could take us to the concert place, so we went down to the lobby and I said “We are here for the shuttle” and the front desk guy and the shuttle guy were standing there, but my mom was not paying attention and she sat down and started fiddling with her phone. So I said “Mom, the shuttle” and she said “I know, I’m waiting for it” and I said “We have to go” and she said “I know, I’m waiting for the shuttle” and I finally said “The shuttle guy is right there, though”. She stared at him for a minute and then said “But he’s not in a shuttle”. I finally got her to walk outside the door, which is where the shuttle was, and we got in and the guy said “I’m in the shuttle now, is everything ok?”
We got there.
Our seats were not together, I was in front of my mom.
My hoodie says “Darce Vader” because my friend Sabrina is awesome.
My mom made friends with everyone around her and learned their life stories. There was more clergy there than I have ever seen in one place before in my life. Priests and nuns left and right.
The Priests came out and started with a rousing Ave Maria, followed up with How Great Thou Art. Then they introduced this lady who sang two opera songs and she was a soprano and my mom and I both do not like the soprano voice (sorry soprano friends) very much, so I could sense the bitterness emanating from behind me. At intermission, my mom said “What the hell was that? I didn’t pay to see her!” and everyone around her laughed really really hard.
Then this older guy and his wife who were sitting next to me switched seats, and the guy said “My wife said I could sit next to you because you seem more interesting than the old people around here” and I laughed, but then I immediately got nervous because very high expectations were set with that comment. He asked what I do, and I told him I sell pet insurance, and that I used to work in a bookstore and theater for 12 years. He said “12 years, that’s funny” and I said “What do you mean?” and he said “What are you, 22? You worked in a bookstore when you were 10?”. That is when I had to break the news that I am 37 and possibly not as interesting as he thought. He was very taken aback and he said “But…you have tattoos. I saw them” at which point I did what any rational person would do and took off my hoodie and pulled my shirt down in back so he could get a better look at my back tattoo. My mom said “Darcy, why are you stripping?” and everyone laughed. Then I gave the man and his wife my business card with Sabrina on it and he kind of laughed at the idea of selling pet insurance, and somehow the words “It is actually a very lucrative business” came out of my mouth. What I meant was, it is a growing industry. I realize in retrospect, that is not what I said. Anyway, he got a kick out of that and asked me more questions, and I am not sure what they were, but I pretty much just talked about my cat.
The concert was over and it was really short and my mom was disappointed (that it was short, The Priests were really good), but there was a 104 year old lady in the box right above us and my mom said “You look younger than I do” and once again, everyone laughed. Then these three sisters (they were older, too) told me I better keep an eye on my mom and keep her out of trouble and I said “Yeah, right” and they loved that, too. So my mom and I were the opening act for the Priests, basically is what I am saying.
I was trying to take pictures for my friend who needs pictures of things that look like letters, but are not letters. For instance, a bridge that looks like an H or something. I could not find anything that looked like a Y, so this is what I sent:
Then one last selfie at the theater.
We got back to the hotel and ordered room service and watched tv and eventually went to bed and then eventually woke up and all of that was pretty uneventful. Actually, I lied. It was eventful because a Victoria’s Secret commercial came on and my mom decided to walk the runway.
We knew we needed to get gas because when we parked in the garage, the dingy thing went off saying that we needed gas. Our first mission was to get gas, which we did, and then I wanted Starbucks because there was supposed to be one four blocks away. It took us about 45 minutes. Those damn one way streets. We passed it three or four times and then we got stuck in an alley because Siri told us it was a street and IT WAS NOT. And also my mom kept calling Siri “serious”. At one point I said that a lot of people told me a lot of Cincinnati is ghetto and dangerous and she said “How are we supposed to know which parts? Ask Serious”. So anyway, Starbucks. We finally pulled into a hotel drop off area and asked a kid parking cars how we are supposed to get to the Starbucks and he said we could park there and there is a Starbucks in the hotel, so in I went and overpaid for some mochas, but it was ok because I really wanted one. My mom was laughing her ass off at this fiasco and I was in desperate need of sedation.
Back on the road, and things were fine and we got home and I squished my cat A LOT. I also put her in an elf costume and took pictures of her for her Christmas card. If you want a piece of that action, e-mail your address to DarcyJ76@me.com.