Keep Your Hands To Yourself.

I know an alarming number of men who have been bestowed with the title “sex offender” or “felon” because of sexual misconduct with a minor.

I know that women commit these crimes as well, and I am not going to bother finding actual statistics, I am just going to make some up.  Like, 8 million percent of the people who commit these types of crimes are men, and 7 million percent of the crimes are committed against women.

The fact that I know more than half a dozen men who have committed these crimes really says a lot, because I live in a bubble and generally know nice people.  And you know what?  Those 6 guys that I know are all nice guys who did incredibly, beyond imaginable stupid things.  I am not talking about actual rapists who do things to very unwilling participants.  I am talking about men who had younger women show an interest in them, and the men did not have the sense to discourage/put the smack down on these younger women.

Here is what I do not understand – how hard is it to not have sex with someone?  Is it really that difficult?  If there is a very simple rule that says “Please do not have sex with minors”, what is it that goes through the mind of men when they do it anyway?  I do not care if the girl was promiscuous anyway, I do not care if the girl consented, I do not care if it was all pictures and no actual physical contact – how difficult is it to follow one simple rule?

I have asked “What the hell were you thinking?” and the answer is always “I wasn’t thinking”.  WELL WHY NOT??  I am not asking you to do chemistry or solve math problems, I am asking you to remember that it is a rule that you should not touch girls who are underage, even if they want you to, ask you to, or invite you to.  What is wrong with men that such a large percentage of them cannot control themselves?  It disgusts me that the chance for one fling with a prepubescent girl is tempting enough for them to risk their reputations and lives and jobs and families and everything.  Was it worth it?  They always say no.  And yet, something in their sex obsessed little brains told them that they could just NOT continue with their lives unless they participated in whatever activity it was they got busted for, and they became so obsessed with this idea that they did it.  Never mind that there are hundreds of thousands of millions of women who are of age available (that is another non factual statistic), they had to do whatever they did with THAT GIRL.  To be fair, in some cases with the men I know, it was with THAT BOY.

The point is, very few men can control themselves.  I think if they were very honest with themselves and could answer anonymously, a much higher percentage of men would admit that they would do something illegal with an underage girl if they knew they would not get caught.  Of those men who would admit that, a large percent actually follow through and do it.

I am not perfect by any means, but every day I refrain from punching people, stealing things, breaking things, shouting at people, running naked through the grocery store, tripping people, pushing people, playing bumper cars with real cars, peeing in the pool, spitting in public, throwing eggs at people and buildings…the list goes on, all these things I refrain from doing.  How much more difficult is it to not have sex with someone?

I have been struggling lately with how anyone would want to subject themselves to dating, and how a person can possibly form an attachment to someone else so easily.  It boggles my mind.  A friend dated a guy for 6 weeks and they broke up and she misses him.  She did not even know him, you cannot possibly know a person that well after 6 weeks, why on earth would you miss them?  There are people in my life I have known for 20 years and I would not miss them if I never saw them again.  No, not you, of course I do not mean YOU.

My point is, these false attachments are formed and in a few months, it will have meant nothing.  The same thing applies to these 6 guys and their interactions with their various victims.  Was the experience that meaningful that you just could not pass it up?  NO!  Every single one of them would say absolutely not, I would never even consider doing that again and that underage person meant nothing to me.  Was it worth it?  NO!  So how was it THAT IMPOSSIBLE to think of these things beforehand???  I DO NOT UNDERSTAND!

There is an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer where Faith, the “bad” slayer, teaches Buffy that Slayers have power, and that means you get what you want.  “See, Want, Take”.  She sees something she wants and she takes it, because she can.  That is how I feel 75% of men are.  They do not think, they See, Want and Take.

I do not hate men, really – but I kind of do.  There are people like my brother and my dad and they do not have this mentality.  In fact, most men that I know do not have that mentality.  But it seems like an overwhelmingly large number of men outside of my personal world DO have that mentality and that is infuriating.

Here is my last example – my friend AJ – yes, you know him as the exboyfriend, sometimes as “Jane”, etc – we are friends.  Well, at least I am his friend until there is the opportunity for him to have sex with someone, then any friendship is out the window.  Tonight he was on a date and I happened to get in a really bad car accident – I hit a bad patch of snow, spun across two highway lanes and an on ramp, and landed tipped sideways on the hill about 20 feet away from the road.  That was more than a little traumatic.  I texted AJ and told him what happened, to which he responded “holy shit” and nothing else.  I kept texting, because of course, I was completely spazzing out, and got no response.  Finally, his date left, and he texted and asked if I was ok.  The potential for sex with this girl was far more important to him than the fact that I was sitting in my sideways car waiting to be pulled out by a tow truck, and he has absolutely no idea why I think there is something wrong with that.  He really does not comprehend why I thought it would have been appropriate to maybe tell the girl “Wow, my friend was just in a really bad car accident, do you mind if I call to see if she’s ok?” – they were watching a movie. But the very potential for having sex with this girl made that more important than the fact that I nearly just died.  If I had died, his last words to me would have been ignoring me.  And he is ok with that, as long as there is still the potential for sex with this girl.

Men do not know how to act in life if there is sex involved.  AJ is not a unique situation, he represents the majority of men.  Was it worth abandoning a friend in what I consider a pretty big time of need?  No one will ever know, because all men are able to do is grunt and scratch their man bits and wait for the next person to agree to have sex with them.

I kind of hate men.

4 thoughts on “Keep Your Hands To Yourself.

  1. Good blog post. I know someone who is reaping the lifelong consequences of indulging in underage porn. Idc what “science” wants to tell us–humans innately know right from wrong. Male or female, we all have the ability to choose self control. But somehow it’s become socially acceptable for men to use the prehistoric drive excuse. Fuck that. You don’t want to follow the rules because you’re following the fuzzy feeling of your penis. It’s pure selfishness at the core. Same with monogamous relationships vs sleeping around. Commitment is a conscious choice. Then there’s the whole “she dressed provocatively so I’m allowed to rape her” bullshit. We have given men the license to be lascivious. The penalties & punishments for lack of self control are too weak. Oy! You’ve got me all riled up now. I just got back from yoga-I’m supposed to be relaxed! lol Anyways, there’s my 2-cents.

  2. I’m sorry that you’ve known so many guys who cannot control their libido. I know these men are in the minority. The majority of men are good and can be loyal. Male programming is, no doubt, different than female. For sure. But I cannot believe the majority of guys would not help or support a friend in need.

  3. Hey Darcy,

    You’ve got it. Alan calls me about 6 – 10 times daily, but shares that he is trying to get someone to have sex with him! Ugh!!! I think he is a pig, even though I’m totally not interested. They think with the wrong brain. He knocked down a bunch of totes that Scott had piled in my garage prior to moving them to Texas. Then refused to take responsibility for replacing them in standing position. Now he says he’ll pay for me to hire someone else to do it. 🙁

    Meanwhile, I hope you are OK. What a scary accident. Call me. I’ve lost all my contacts in the latest computer meltdown.

    Hope you are well,
    Talia

  4. Sharing my story since this topic hit close to home. I was 14, brought up in theatre, and very confused. A guy that was 20 somehow got wind of me and saw a webpage I had posted and assumed I was gay because there was a rainbow separator bar on said webpage. I was always unsure, knew I was different for sure. I went along with it, continued to IM or email or whatever with him.

    He was a techie so I needed help making my computer run faster. He came over while my parents were gone to help this. He did, but also was very interested in fixing ME. There were adult things that happened to me from him, I didn’t object though. But I was also very young and confused.

    I never told any adults of this, because I thought well maybe I wanted it and liked it? If I was gay or not and liked it or not, really looking back- it was not right.

    It wasn’t until I was maybe 23 that I realized that I was in fact homosexual. That’s a whole other story because that rocked my world- that was not the life I had planned.

    But even after that time, I had the sense and restraint to know better than to pursue any underage people- not even remotely attractive to me in any universe.

    So young people- if someone has put you in a similar situation, you should really speak to a trusted adult. And adults- leave dem kids alone!

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