I have gone through every emotion in the book since posting my sociopath blog.
First, I was sad because I betrayed AJ. I always told him that if he pushed me far enough, I would do it. He had plenty of warning. He did not have to lie to me. He knew how sensitive he made me to any untruth, and the only way we could be friends was if he did not lie, and he lied a lot about really stupid things. So he knew it was coming, and the reason it came was because he was horrible to me, and yet, I still feel sad for him.
Mixed with that was absolute rage. Why did he pick me? He’s gone through many, many other women and friends and he never did this to any of them. What is it about me? Up until the very last argument, he said “I want to be your friend, please, we can still be friends”. We had been through that same conversation so many times, and I always said “Ok, but just don’t lie to me anymore”. He did every time. His last words were “Please let’s talk and be friends” and mine were “I’m posting it, goodbye AJ”. The nonlogical part of me wishes I just talked and forgot it as usual, and went back to him lying and me pretending not to know.
I know logically that the thing I have to understand is that he incapable of actually being sorry and incapable of actually being a friend. But the stubborn part of me thinks “He owes me an apology, surely he sees what he forced me into”. But he doesn’t. I know he doesn’t, but I still wish he did.
Then I’m mad because HE had the gall to block ME on all social media/texting, etc. WAIT-don’t get mad. I wasn’t texting for social purposes. He set up all of my computer stuff and he can remotely access all of my family’s computer things. I did not realize that he can’t do this without me sitting on the computer approving his request. I opened my computer and it flashed his name and then something else that I didn’t catch, and I panicked. I thought for sure I’d end up on a revenge porn site or something (there are no naked pictures of me anywhere, don’t worry – but those things can be photoshopped). I texted him and asked why his name showed up on my computer. I didn’t realize “blocking” was a thing on iPhones, so when he didn’t answer, I sent multiple messages saying I know he was on my computer and he better tell me what he did. Well, he wasn’t on my computer. I THINK what he did was delete our shared Dropbox folder where we would put mostly cat pictures so that we each had sufficient copies. So that is how I found out he blocked me on everything. And that makes me mad. *I* should be doing the blocking, here. *I* am the victim. I am NOT the blockee. But. I am. And that left me feeling even more impotent than before. I have never won, I have always been the one who was hurt, damaged, lied to, accused, and now blocked. I always defended AJ no matter what he did (RED FLAG), and he never defended me, not that I needed it. I mean, I just needed it with his dad. I never did anything that needed defending, so I guess him not sticking up for me is a moot point.
I digress. Or maybe not, maybe I made some really good points in there. I am just very angry, I have no closure, somehow-and this is accompanied by much shame-I still think I want to be his friend (don’t worry, it’s not going to happen), and I somehow still expect a sincere apology, admitting all that he’s done and admitting how much he changed me/ruined part of me, and accepting responsibility for it. Not gonna happen, I know. BUT I CAN’T STOP WANTING IT TO HAPPEN.
I do have a therapy appointment with a therapist who specializes in abusive relationships/people – to which AJ’s friend Sean said “You have no fucking clue what abuse is. You should be ashamed. You are a piece of work”. But, out of the literal hundreds of people who said anything to me, he is the only one who said anything along those lines, so I am thinking he is wrong on this one. My appointment is not until the 11th, so until then, my blog is my therapy, I guess.
I have not shown any of this to my parents because you see, I live with them. And my dad will feel bad and not know what to do, and my mom will feel as angry and incapable of doing anything as me, and they don’t need that. Plus I still don’t like to talk out loud about any of it because my default is to defend AJ.
Here is the last thing. I do not understand the need to lie. AJ has said, over all 8 years, he wanted me to be in his life. I believe that, because no one else has lasted that long in his life. He also hasn’t treated anyone else like this. So I understand lying if you are cheating on your girlfriend. But once we established that we were just friends back in November of 2012, why continue lying? I made it clear that what he does is his business as long as he doesn’t treat me differently (and by differently, I mean the few times when he wasn’t cheating/didn’t have a girlfriend and we were actually friends). So why lie that for the past few months he has a friend he’s been hanging out with? I hang out with my friends. I don’t care that his friend is much older and female and most likely sleeping with him, and that they have matching wine glasses with their names etched into them even though she has a boyfriend and kids. I mean, I know that SOUNDS like I care, but I actually don’t. I think it is immoral and I would have told him so, but it’s not like there is anything I can do about it. If he had just said “here’s what I’m doing”, I’d shake my head, say “Don’t do anything weird in front of the kids and don’t let the boyfriend kill you”, and then we could hang out just like we did. Why lie about it? Why let something that stupid end everything? I suppose something had to end it, and again, LOGICALLY I know it’s good that it ended, but it does not feel that way right now. It just feels like I really, really miss my friend.
And here is the other thing. I have AMAZING friends, and a very large number of them. I have my close circle and then I have pretty much all the people I have ever met in my life, because I tend to keep people that I like. And everyone has been so supportive, so kind, so caring and they have said some of the nicest things. So saying AJ was my best friend makes me feel like an ass. I don’t know how to explain it, but I want it known, that doesn’t mean any less for my true friends. I don’t honestly know what I’m trying to say, but given that those of you in my life know me so well, I think you know what I’m trying to say, even though I only have a vague idea.
So I feel a bit better now. I hope everyone is doing ok, I have been wrapped in my selfish bubble for the past few days and probably will remain there for a bit.