I do not know the words to that song. I know sweet dreams are made of something, I just do not know what. I like peas, and it fits, so that is the new song.
I have very vivid and very emotionally intense dreams. Not just every once in awhile, but every single night. I have written about a dream once before, and I prefaced it with this same thing – I hate when people tell me about their dreams. I understand that it was a very significant thing for you, but there is no way to convey that to someone who was not in your brain at the time. I mean, unless it was a dream that predicted something, then that is just cool.
Anyway, here is the thing about my dreams. They fall into one of a few categories. I am going to try to distill the main points and not drone on about the details of my thematic dreams.
The Dead Pet/Dead Friend Dreams and Variations
–I think Sabrina Von Squishy is dead, but really she is not, and I find her too late and she is dying and I cannot save her
–I think Harry the Bunny is dead, but really he is not, and I find him too late and he is dying and I cannot save him
–I know that Catharine is staying at her parent’s house, but I cannot remember how to get a hold of her and eventually, I think she is dead, but really, she is still at her parent’s house. Once I remember how to get a hold of her, it is too late and she is dying and I cannot save her.
The AJ Dreams
–I run into AJ in a random place and he is with someone else, no one I know. He demonstrates to this other person how he trained me, and I fall back into the trap of being tricked by him.
–I go to AJ’s house like (used to be) normal, and it is distorted in a “fun house” way, and I find AJ and he is laughing and telling me all the things he lied about, which in real life was everything, and in the dream is everything plus the fact that I was on a live feed and an audience was watching the entire thing.
–I go to AJ’s house and he is not there, but his mom is (his mom died several years ago). I have had this dream three times, and each time, she and I had a very intimate conversation and it ended with her asking me to basically save AJ in terms of his soul and religion. It is always left with an understanding that she knows it probably will not happen, but she still has hope.
More Catharine Dreams
–This part really happened, but is necessary background for the dream – one day I found Catharine in the laundry room of our apartment, crying uncontrollably because she was so depressed she could not function. This episode (again, in real life) led to her going home to her parent’s and spending some time there. I have weird holes in my memory – she could have been at her parent’s for a week, or three months, I have no concept of the time. In the dream, that all happens, but Catharine leaves for years and never comes back to the apartment. Similar to the other Catharine dream, I try to text her, but I cannot remember her phone number.
–I am on dialysis – this is a Catharine dream because she was on dialysis most of her life and it was a big part of how we functioned – dealing with her being “chained” to her bedroom 12 hours a day, or when she did dialysis in the hospital, I would go with her and read Harry Potter out loud to her while they drained her blood and put it back in. So I often have dreams that I am on dialysis and that the fluid goes into my peritoneal thing, but I cannot get it out, and I am uncomfortable and bloated.
The Worst Possible Dream Ever
–This happened recently. It is the worst ever thing that could have been dreamed. My Catharine dreams centered around losing her, but were never malicious or mean – it was always just loss. The AJ dreams are all based on him being manipulative and creating lies. I finally had a dream where AJ’s personalty invaded Catharine, and it was Catharine who was lying and taunting me and laughing at me.
AJ invaded the untouchable memory of Catharine. She was never mean and never tricked me or lied to me in real life or in a dream, and AJ’s dream person invaded her and made her do bad things.
So that is my subconscious right there. It is all pretty straight forward, Catharine died and I found her and on December 21st it will be ten years and I still remember and feel it as intensely as if it were last week. The same with Sabrina’s death. And Harry the Bunny. So all those dreams are focused on trying to save them, and failing. That makes sense.
The AJ dreams make sense because the breaking point was when I found out he had a whole secret life filled with lies, and I had, many times, asked him “Do you have a secret life” and “I can tell you are lying about something” and he said no, no lies and no secret life. The basis of us being able to be friends was that he would be nice to me, and that he would not lie. That was all I asked. I did not want details about anything, he did not have to check in with me or get approval from me, just do not lie to me. So here he was, lying about lying. That is what finally broke me. His argument was “I’m allowed to have a private life”, and that is true, but that does not mean lying. When you tell someone that you realize you have severely damaged them by lying for 6 years, and you promise not to lie again, and then you lie, you do not get the same kind of “private life” a normal person gets. I do not care about details, I do not care who you are doing the nasty with, or how many different people, or how some of them have boyfriends. I do not need those details. All I needed was “Yes, I have a secret life right now, and yes, there are things I am hiding”. Acknowledge that you are lying, do not lie about lying. So all of my AJ dreams are based on intense lying because I am still so mad he had the gall to try to defend himself.
I do not have an explanation for the AJ Mom dreams but the most recent one came within a few days of me thinking I want to be a nun again. I mean, not that I was a nun and I am going to be a nun again, I mean to say that I thought about being a nun for a long time and now I am thinking about it again. But not really because I know it is not realistic.
I think maybe I want chocolate and peanut butter.
Here is a picture of a fat cat who was at a store we buy squirrel peanuts from.
This is a picture of Mr. Meow Meow. I fell asleep and woke up to him sitting on my chest with his mousey toy.