This post probably should have been two posts, but it is just one post, so fair warning – dramatic topic switch midway through.
As everyone knows, I have had a lot of brain stuff going on in my life lately. My dad’s brain had a bleed and he had to get holes drilled in his head to get the goo out. He is recovering from that (*updated the day after I initially wrote this post – today is not a good day for him, send happy thoughts) I have posted all about that on Facebook, so I will leave out the details. But the one thing I want to say is that when I posted “send me pictures of your pets for my dad” on FB, the response was amazing! I know some really seriously caring and kind people, and they all have extremely cute pets!
More brain stuff, though – I am listening to the audiobook The Sociopath Next Door. One of the main points was that normal people cannot even fathom what it is like to not have a conscience. I took that as a challenge, because I can imagine just about anything. The extent of my imagination is so huge that I can actually change my mood by making myself believe something happened, even if it did not. It is hard to describe, but I can get very deeply involved in my head (and yet I cannot be hypnotized even though I desperately want to be).
So I have been trying my hardest to imagine not having a conscience and what I would do if I just had no remorse, guilt, fear of consequences or regret. I can’t do it! I really cannot do it – every scenario I come up with, I just cannot fathom not caring about what I would be doing to someone else.
My question to you -and most people answer my questions on Facebook, so it is fine not to comment on this post but to comment on Facebook – are you able to imagine yourself without a conscience? Can you imagine just NOT having remorse or guilt? Is this something anyone is capable of, or if you are a conscientious person, is it impossible? Do you have to be a sociopath to even imagine not have a conscience? This is all very confusing to me.
It has been a long time since I have had any contact with AJ, and that is good and I am glad, but I have not stopped thinking about how extreme everything was and how much he just did not care, because it is so hard for my brain to wrap around. Even though I logically understand that he is not capable of remorse, sincerity or honesty, I still expect an apology letter that is sincere and honest and remorseful.
He has zero guilt or remorse. That means he does whatever he wants. He is free to do ANYTHING. He can have anything he wants, he can get it any way he wants, and he does not have to live with any feelings about it. I am kind of jealous of that life.
But – if I had that power to not care or feel remorse – I still do not think I would do anything bad. It is not the fact that I feel remorse or care about people that keeps me from doing bad things, it is that I would just not want to do bad things. Even if I could get away with it in terms of my own mental processing of things, I would have no desire to cheat and lie.
So that means that sociopaths also want to hurt people, right? Or is it that they just want things that they should not have and do not care how they get it? I think I might be on to something. Since AJ is the only sociopath that I know, I am going to keep using him as an example. I think he did not set out thinking “I would like to hurt Darcy”, I think he thought “I want lots of girlfriends and it does not matter how I get them”. Similarly, he thought it was ok to “censor” his dad’s email and keep tabs on his dad with “Find my iPhone”, not because he wanted to be mean to his dad, but because it benefited AJ to know what his dad was doing without his dad knowing, and he did not care that it was invading his dad’s personal life. I was not the only girl he cheated on, so that even furthers the thought that it was not “I want to hurt Darcy” or “I want to hurt Brandi” (the other girl he cheated on)(that I know of, but I’m sure there were more), but “I want everything and I do not care how I get it”. What a weird way to live life.
ALL OF THAT IS TO SAY – if you had no conscience, would you have any desire to get away with things? That is what I want people to answer! Bear in mind, I am not saying “If you could do something and NOT HURT someone by doing it”, you would still be potentially hurting someone. You just would not feel remorse about it. Is your brain capable of imagining this?
In other news, I am watching the Oscars. Here are my thoughts.
Bradley Cooper is extremely attractive.
NPH is awesome.
Bradley Cooper is still extremely attractive.
I do not like Adam Levine singing falsetto.
I like Adam Levine’s bow tie.
The commercial for Once Upon a Time is very exciting to me.
Chris Pine is also very attractive.
J Lo should not wear a dress the same color as her skin, it is weird.
It was funny when NPH sang “He won an Oscar, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba”
Men in Hollywood are short (or possibly the women are very tall).
Everything is Awesome = Awesome.
Oh, there is Bradley Cooper again and guess what – he is EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE.
The Alzheimer’s song was very sad.
NPH was very nekkid.
Oh hey Chris Evans.
There he is. Bradley Cooper. Being attractive.
Jared Leto totally just wiped something off of Patricia Arquette’s face.
Why have I not seen Jennifer Lawrence yet?
I feel like I am not seeing enough famous people, what is up with that?
I mean, really, even when they pan across the audience, I do not recognize anyone. Give me famous people, damn it.
I think of Robin Williams almost daily and I still feel that loss as if I knew him.
Jennifer Hudson is so skinny, omg.
Glory was really cool and I liked how everyone marched in slow motion in unison.
Idina Menzel and John Travolta were awesome and I love her and she is pretty and flawless, and he looked human again.
WHOA GAGA!!!!! I love her and I loved her performance… but….Idina was RIGHT THERE, why didn’t they have HER sing? A much more appropriate comparison to Julie Andrews.
Eddie Murphy’s greatest role = Donkey in Shrek.
It is taking a really long time to get to the famous people.
I wanted Oprah to say “And YOU get an Oscar! And YOU get an Oscar!”
The Imitation Game writer guy is adorable and I love him.
I love NPH still.
Still no famous people.