Can You Pass Darcy’s Driver Test?

I am going to an off site manager meeting thing, and I am being driven with a group of people.  In an SUV.  Driven by someone else.  To say this caused me anxiety is an understatement. Melissa, who I shall henceforth refer to as my personal driver, passed my test.  Mostly.  This is our conversation via our work chat system.

9/5/2017 11:20:57 AM
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your driving skills?  Probably pretty good, because you have kids, right?

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:43:39 AM
You are funny

9/5/2017 11:43:59 AM
After three hours in an SUV with me, see if you’re still saying that 😉

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:44:08 AM
and I wouldn’t assume that having kids makes you a good driver

9/5/2017 11:44:22 AM
……

9/5/2017 11:44:23 AM
Not helping

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:44:25 AM
What exactly are your concerns?

9/5/2017 11:44:43 AM
SUV’s are scary.  Other people driving = me not being in control. You might be a bad driver and kill us.

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:45:05 AM
Well…

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:45:09 AM
I drive an SUV every day

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:45:16 AM
and I think that small cars are scary

9/5/2017 11:45:16 AM
+1 point for you

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:45:35 AM
I’ve never had a ticket

9/5/2017 11:45:39 AM
+10 points

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:45:46 AM
I’ve never been in an accident

9/5/2017 11:45:52 AM
+20 points

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:46:14 AM
I prefer to drive because I hate the way other people drive and I generally feel that they aren’t paying attention

9/5/2017 11:46:23 AM
+1,000 points

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:46:51 AM
I do not consider myself an “agressive” driver, but I do drive fast.

9/5/2017 11:46:56 AM
-100 points

9/5/2017 11:47:04 AM
Do you drive fast around corners?

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:47:09 AM
I think I’m still out ahead

9/5/2017 11:47:13 AM
You are

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:47:34 AM
It would be dangerous to drive fast around corners

9/5/2017 11:47:38 AM
+2,000

9/5/2017 11:47:40 AM
Ok, I approve

9/5/2017 11:47:47 AM
Thank you for that.

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:48:00 AM
I typically drive about 10mph over the speed limit

9/5/2017 11:48:19 AM
Ok, I definitely approve of you.  Thank you very much, and I will do everything I can to not behave like Sheldon does in a car.

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:48:20 AM
and I will consider it my personal mission to arrive first

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:48:29 AM
bahahaha

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:49:12 AM
I liked this game

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:49:15 AM
It was fun

9/5/2017 11:49:38 AM
😛

9/5/2017 11:49:56 AM
Can I sit in front?

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:50:27 AM
I’m not sure I want you up front based on prior statements

9/5/2017 11:51:27 AM
Touche

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:53:07 AM
Do you plan to verbally criticize my driving the whole time or are you more one to hit your fake brakes?

9/5/2017 11:53:14 AM
Verbally criticize.

9/5/2017 11:53:19 AM
….I mean…

9/5/2017 11:53:25 AM
Offer suggestions in a non critical way

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:54:06 AM
That’s fine as long as you expect that I will probably tell you to shut up in a critial way

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:54:08 AM
critical

9/5/2017 11:54:32 AM
Well, really, make statements of facts.  “That was a scary curve”.  “We almost fell off the highway”. “This SUV might tip over”

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:54:56 AM
You seem to have a real fear of tipping…

9/5/2017 11:55:01 AM
Huge fear

9/5/2017 11:55:05 AM
And falling off the highway

9/5/2017 11:56:08 AM
I can also offer statements of support, sometimes.  “We are winning”.  “You just kicked Chris’s ass”.

9/5/2017 11:56:33 AM
“You did not tip the SUV over on that curve”

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:56:46 AM
Well…  In the 25+ years that I have been driving a car, I’ve only thought there was a minor chance of rolling said car once and that was do to the sheet of ice I was driving across at very slow speeds but with no control and the ditch on the side of the road.

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:57:21 AM
I don’t believe the same situation will present itself this week

9/5/2017 11:57:37 AM
I feel confident that it will not.

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:58:03 AM
and I will TOTALLY kick Chris’s ass

9/5/2017 11:59:15 AM
How much will it make people lose all respect for me if I wear a helmet?

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 12:00:15 PM
You are not getting into my car wearing a helmet

9/5/2017 12:00:27 PM
It was worth asking.

Awesome Con Was Awesome!

I went to Awesome Con in Washington D.C. with my friends Josh and Jocelyn.  Try saying their names without saying “Joss and Joshlyn”, it’s really hard.

We didn’t do any typically touristy, but when we drove in and were stuck in traffic, we saw many embassy’s, including the Israeli one, and there were people in their non-western clothing.  That was me trying to say that correctly, what I actually said at the time were “LOOK!  PEOPLE IN ETHNIC CLOTHING!”.  I’d just like to point out that I said that because I am interested in and appreciate other cultures, not because I was like, being rude.  I mean, I’m sure it probably was rude, but if you know me, 75% of what I say is rude and that’s not how I intend it, so we should always start from the assumption that I am actually complimenting or appreciating someone/something.  I just get really excited and things come flying out my mouth!

Oh, on a similar note, when Jocelyn came to my house to leave her car there so we could all drive in Hamster Car, she looked very different than normal – she normally has very dark and curly hair and now it is straight and blonde.  This lead to me announcing to my mom that Jocelyn looked wrong and I didn’t like it.  My mom tried to cover for me and said that Jocelyn looked lovely, and she does – but SHE DOESN’T LOOK LIKE JOCEYLN.  That was my point.  But Jocelyn does look very pretty as Not Jocelyn with straight blonde hair.

Ok, enough about that.

Friday night we registered our VIP things, and we ate dinner, and that’s kind of it.

Saturday, though.  Oh, Saturday.  Here is what we looked like waiting in line to see David Tennant talk about….well, he was supposed to be talking with two scientist guys about space and time, but actually, they just asked him questions about Dr. Who.  That’s ok, too.

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We made a friend in line named Dean, and he was very nice.  We lost him in the crowd after David Tennant was done talking, though.  One of the highlights was when there were questions from the audience, and a little kid came up to the mic dressed as The Empty Child from the Dr. Who episode, and DT said “Ohhhh, I know what you’re going to ask” and as soon as people were done laughing, the kid said “Are you my mummy?” and it was great.  That whole family had amazing costumes.  Here is a picture of them that I found online.

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We went straight from the DT panel to Jocelyn’s picture with him, and she was in full blown panic mode, even after I drugged her.  She also…well, when Jocelyn gets nervous she…in her words, “the whole weekend was about anxiety and shitting”.  So there’s that.  I think there were three trips to the bathroom before her picture with David Tennant?  Anyway, this was the awesome result…

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Josh and I were waiting to receive Jocelyn after her picture, and she was positively giddy – the smile on her face in this picture doesn’t even do her level of fangirling justice.  There was much screeching from all of us and then….Jocelyn had to poop again.

Then she had to get right back in line for her picture with John Barrowman.

Josh and I got in line for our “duo” photo ops – you see, when we all purchased these, something went wonky and Jocelyn ended up buying David and John separate, rather than together.  This is relevant in a minute.

She went in for her picture with John Barrowman, but Josh and I were stuck in line and couldn’t receive her as she came out, so we just watched from a distance as Jocelyn walked with very serious intent and a look of absolute determination on her face right past us.  Josh said “She’s either really mad or….she has to shit again”.  Guess which one it was!

NOW WE ARE AT MY PART!  I was in line before Josh for the duo photo, so we’re standing there, and we’re both dying, and we’re watching freaking David Tennant and John Barrowman do all these poses with people and interacting with people and being super adorable.  They worked so well together that they didn’t even have to like, consult each other – they’d strike a perfect pose based on what the person in line requested in a matter of 10 seconds.  The people in front of us – the guy had a Captain Jack coat, and a gun.  The girl had a Sonic Screwdriver and glasses.  They got up to DT and JB and said “Could you wear these?” and I am not exaggerating, this picture happened instantly.  They put on their props and struck the pose and omg.

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So the moral of the story is that they are perfect.  I get up there, and in the past, when I have done photo ops with people, the most I’ve been able to do is kind of shout their own name at them – the best example being me shouting “DAVID DUCHOVNY” at David Duchovny.  This time, I was very concerned about my fat.  I am not normally concerned about my fat, I get my picture taken and I don’t mind – but after looking at various Comic Con pictures, I started getting really self conscious about my arms in particular.  So I get up there and John says “Hey sweetheart, how do you want to pose?” and I said “Could you guys stand in front of me so I’m not all fat and in the front?” and again, no questions, just instant pose and BOOM, this (it’s signed, more on that in a minute):

DT and JB right way

After the picture, you basically rush out the door and the next person is already posing with them, but…OMG BUT…John put his hands on my shoulders and looked straight at me and said “and just so you know, honey, you’re beautiful”.  Please click here for the very personal reason that John Barrowman’s comment to me made me have a really emotional reaction that has stuck with me this entire week.

Here is Josh’s picture that occurred right after mine:

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Josh and I did not have photo op tickets to get a picture with John Barrowman by himself, but we were both so entranced by him, we bought them.  John Barrowman is known for his fun and crazy pictures with people, he’ll pretty much do anything.  He and Josh confirmed that they wanted to do a funny picture, and JB said “Can I grab your butt?” and Josh said, without hesitation, “YES”, and this picture was born.

JB and JB

Then it was my turn.  His default pose is a giant bear hug and despite my general opposition to being hugged, touched, or allowing people into my territorial bubble, I was COMPLETELY fine with this.  But of course, first he had to make me have feelings again.  Hours had passed since the duo photo, and he’d seen hundreds and hundreds of people between this picture and the last one.  When I came up to him, he said “Bring it in, sweetheart”, which is a common thing for him to say, but then he did just a pause for a second and looked straight at me and said “Remember, you’re beautiful”.  Here I am, being completely fine with being hugged…and kind of basically also melting.

JB

I am realizing this post is already so long, I think I should do Saturday, Part II in another post!  THIS WAS JUST A SPAN OF 6 HOURS!

So stay tuned for Saturday, Part II – John Barrowman and David Tennant autographs, the Green Power Ranger, and Carson Kressley.

In the meantime, check out Josh’s vlog about Awesome Con and I invite my two coauthors, Josh and Jocelyn, to post comments with their stories!!

 

 

Post Within A Post

And now we pause for a moment of introspection.  
If you got to this blog on its own, read this one first so you know what I’m talking about.  
So here is the thing – I am an overly confident person, but I don’t think anyone will be surprised to know that a lot of that lack of concern for what people think of my appearance came from necessity – at a certain point in a Fat Kid’s life, you have to stop hoping that someone is going to find you unquestionably attractive, or attractive at all.  It’s not unique to me, it is the plight of the Fat Kid.  You can have everything, including confidence, but there is always the “but”, and really, it’s the “butt”, because you just can’t get away from the fact that no matter how awesome you know you are, LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER IF YOU WERE SKINNY.  I know I am amazing – this blog proves it.  I freaking write about myself and how great I think I am ALL THE TIME.  And I really do think that I am as great as I say I am.  
And I know, with zero question, that there are a ton of people who look at me and do not see the Fat Kid, they see Darcy and the amazingness (and sometimes mind boggling stubbornness and arrogance) that is me.  I have never been made fun of for how I look, and if I have, I didn’t notice it because I am surrounded by loving friends and family.  But there is something that constantly nags at a Fat Person that is really hard to describe, but is basically the constant nagging knowledge that we aren’t noticed.  When I posted my interaction on Facebook, so many people responded with “He’s right, you ARE beautiful” and I know they meant that sincerely because they know me – I like to think that I am kind of a beautiful person as a whole, and really, I do have pretty eyes.  My friends who know and love me know see that.
But back in the olden days when I’d go out with friends, it got really old having people pay attention to me so that they could get closer to my pretty friends.  People have friended me on Facebook so that I’d introduce them to one of my friends.  
I add a complexity to all this because I am not interested in dating and I am pretty antisocial, so you’d think none of this would matter, but it still kind of sucked to be completely invisible.  
Then the people who don’t know you well say things like “Oh, you’re not fat” or “You look fine” – it’s so insincere, I’d really prefer you didn’t say anything!  I mean, clearly, I AM fat!  You can’t just say “You aren’t fat!”  And “You look fine”??  That’s like, a tuna sandwich.  “What do you want for lunch?”  “I don’t know, a tuna sandwich is fine”.  It’s insincere.  
So the reason I was really caught off guard by my overly emotional reaction to John Barrowman taking the time to look straight at me and say something is because it wasn’t flippant.  It wasn’t insincere.  It wasn’t a lie.  It wasn’t something he just casually said as I walked out to make me feel better in a passing second.  Whether or not I am actually beautiful is irrelevant, it was the time he took, and the lack of “brushing me off” that made that comment go straight through my many layers of confidence and poke at the thing that exists somewhere way deep down that still desperately needs to be called beautiful.  

I Hope You Lose All Your Money, You Little Bitch.

I said that to an approximately 85 year old man at a casino on Sunday.

Here’s what happened – and fair warning, you will be absolutely furious after reading this.  Keep in mind, there is a reason I have the word “resilient” tattooed on my hand – it’s because I am.  In the moment, I was shocked, horrified, embarrassed, and enraged.
Now that it is all done, I feel kind of awesome and badass.

Josh and I went to the MGM National Harbor casino in Maryland while we were in Washington D.C. for Awesome Con (HUGE Awesome Con post coming!).  There we are, playing slot machines, and we get up to go to other machines and the lady next to me asks us what something on her screen means.  Josh and I stopped to help her, and this little old man in a baseball hat walks by in the outside aisle and sort of shouts at me “You are too fat to bend over like that”.  Here is a drawing I made so you can see the logistics:

My Drawing

Please note:  he was not actually holding a pitchfork.

I got thrown off.  I said to Josh “Did he seriously just say that?” and then I went back to trying to help the lady, and then I stood up (I WAS actually bending over, pointing at her screen) and I said “I’m hunting him down”.

Josh had no idea what was going to happen, so he just blindly followed me.

I found the Evil Old Man, and I walked right up to him and got all up in his business and right in his face I YELLED “how DARE you call me fat!!” to which he said things like “Well, aren’t you?” and I said things like “You are a fucking asshole” and “You are an old, old man and you are going to die soon” and “You are a fucking old man” and “Shut the fuck up”.  The Evil Old Man said something to the effect of “I apologize, but you are fat” – i.e. an apology that wasn’t an apology.  There was more yelling and swearing on my part, with poor Josh still standing in shocked silence (and now preparing himself in case I full out physically attacked the guy), and I ended with “You aren’t even allowed to talk to me anymore, so just don’t” and I…this is a thing that I did…I snapped my fingers at him.  Like, straight up “you got served a snap” snapped at him, and then I turned and walked away.

I had no place to walk, and I had no idea where I was going, so I basically just went and hid behind another row of slot machines.  Josh was right behind me and said “here, would you like this now?” and offered me his beer, which I declined because I don’t really drink all that much.  I was all hopped up, because I felt like a total badass and it was awesome that I totally yelled at the Evil Old Man and SNAPPED MY FINGERS AT HIM and for about 10 minutes, I was all like I AM THE BEST EVER.  We went to play other slot machines and all was well, and then I felt it coming – I was about to Rage Cry.  I am not a big crier, but I do Rage Cry pretty much every time I get very angry about something, and I think this was just about the most angry I have ever been.  I went to the bathroom and got all my Rage Crying out, and washed my face so I was less blotchy and came back out and…sitting at a machine just outside the women’s room was…Evil Old Man.  He saw me come out and said “If you’re not fat, then what are you?”

Right now, I have a ton of answers to that question.  In that moment, well, I also had a ton of answers but they were mostly curse words.  In this round of Darcy versus Evil Old Man, here are some of the things I yelled:

“I hope you lose all your money, you little bitch”
“Who raised you, you have no manners”
“Why didn’t you just say “excuse me, can I please get by” like any other normal adult would have, you fucking moron”

To my last question he replied “Because your fat ass boyfriend was in the way.”

Annnndddd…that was it.  I thought I was yelling before, but no.  At this point, I don’t even know what I was saying, but I was a few inches away from his face, screaming and gesturing wildly.  Four people came over, two large security people and two small customer service type women.  The Evil Old Man started to tell them that I was harassing him and they said “We saw everything, no she wasn’t” and they told him he was going to have to go with them.  HE SHUFFLED AWAY AND HID BEHIND A ROW OF SLOT MACHINES.  The security guys stood there while Evil Old Man literally peeked around the corner and they said “Does he think we can’t see him?” and then they went after him while the two customer service ladies asked if I was ok.  I was openly Rage Crying at this point and I kept saying that I just needed to go back in the bathroom because I am not a person who normally cries, or yells at people, or swears, and so I needed to go into the bathroom.

25 minutes later, I came out and there was a lady standing there with her arms wide open and I walked right up and she hugged me and said that the Evil Old Man is stupid and old and bitter, and it’s a good thing she wasn’t there, because she would have hit him, and I shouldn’t pay any attention to him because he’s not worth my time.  Then two other security guys came over and told me that they made him leave, and if I see him again, to tell them and they will make him go away.  Then there was a man with an Australian accent who said that he doesn’t let anyone leave his casino crying, and I should stick around and they are going to give me free money.  Then they all escorted me to a desk where they gave me a card thing, and then they radioed around and made sure Evil Old Man was still gone, and escorted me to another place where they put free money on the card thing, and the security guys hugged me and told me I am awesome and then I was ready to cry again because everyone was being so nice.

It was really the best customer service ever, they were so nice, and right there on top of things, and proactive.

Here is a picture of John Barrowman touching my friend Josh’s butt. Much happier posts coming soon with more pictures of JB and David Tennant!

JB and JB

I Met 011 From Stranger Things.

Well hello.

It’s been awhile.

I have not written anything because I hate Donald Trump so much that I was afraid anything I write would be a flaming, rage filled hate post and I would not be able to ever post happy things again.  It has taken me this long to get to the point where I can do my normal “write without editing” and be fairly confident it will not turn into me spewing hatred towards #45.

I went to the Cleveland Wizard World Comic Con.  I did not originally plan to go, but a few days before the weekend it was here, my friend posted on Facebook that she was selling her weekend pass, so I thought I would see who was going to be there.  I checked several times prior to the actual weekend of the event and no one I was interested in was going to be there.  This time when I checked, there was Dean Cain, Cordelia and Xander from Buffy, and 011 from Stranger Things.

If you look at this post, you’ll see my friend Sabrina the Human and her interactions with Dean Cain.  Well.  When I saw he was going to be in Cleveland, I purchased a photo op because this would be her chance to seduce and marry him.  Yes, she has a boyfriend, but….Dean Cain.

Dean Cain

And who doesn’t love Buffy?  I love Buffy.  The morning of the photo op with them, though, I pulled a major Darcy.  Every once in awhile I get this thing, and I kind of panic, and then I kind of can’t leave my bed.  It is weird.  My constant state is anxiety, but this is me lying in bed staring at the wall, unable to move, even though famous people are waiting to let me stand next to them for five seconds for an ungodly amount of money.  Sabrina the Human took my place.

Buffy

I finally got my shit together and got there JUST ON TIME to…wait in line for 1.5 hours to get my picture taken with Millie Bobby Brown from Stranger Things.  There were many people in line.  Many.  I finally got into the “picture tent” and they were just pushing people through like cattle, and for every picture, 011 didn’t even look at the person next to her, but she did a completely different face and pose with each person….it’s just that the person with her had no idea what she was going to do, so they just stood next to her while she posed.  When I got next to her, I said “What face are we making?” and she said “This one” and went all cute and girly.  It is time to review a few things about me.

  1. I am not cute and girly
  2. I am short and stubby
  3. I have deformed wrists
  4. I have several chins

Keeping those things in mind, here is the picture that happened.

011

Let us now analyze the picture.

The hand.  That is the extent to which I can bend my wrist.

The shoulder/body.  It is large and in charge.

The neck.  There are no defining lines whatsoever.

The chin.  What chin?

The lips.  Just…what?? What was I even doing?

I look like a Jewish or Italian grandma trying to get someone to eat more food.

Can I even make a cutesy kissy face, when I am not under the pressure of having to do it while standing next to a tiny person with a cute accent who has a lot more money than I do?  Let’s see, shall we?

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The answer is no.