This Post Is About Hugging.

Preface:  Some of the pictures in this post may be sideways.  Just turn your head to the side.  They are normal when I am putting them in the post, but then sideways when I click “preview”.

I do not like to be hugged.  I feel like I am being trapped and I just generally do not like it**. The biggest reason I do not like it is because I do not understand Hugging Etiquette.  I have so many questions.  If you know any of the answers, please tell me.

This blog is dedicated to Chris Hagesfeld.

  1. When hugging someone of the same or similar height, do your arms go over or under theirs?  When and how is this decided?
  2. Where do you put your face?  Do you turn towards them, away, or keep your face straight?  With a taller person, this means you are smooshing your face into their chest and that can become awkward.  Face smoosh

    1. If your chin comes up to their shoulder, do you just go ahead and rest it there?
  3. How long do you hold the hug?  At what point is it acceptable to back out of it?
  4. If someone is taller than you, do you stand on tip toe to hug them or just go straight around the waist?  And again, where do you put your face?
  5. If someone is shorter, and their head comes to your boob level, and you are a girl, do you hug them into your boobs or do you adjust so that does not happen?
  6. If you are hugging another girl (and you are also a girl), do you go for alternating boobs, straight up smooshed boobs, or do you stand a little bit apart and lean in so there is no boob touching at all?  BoobsNo Boobs
  7. If you are sitting and someone hugs you while they are standing, do you try to hug back?  Do you hug their arm, or whatever part of them you are able to, or do you just sit and get hugged?  
  8. If I get side hugged, how do I know if the person is going to step away quickly, or just stand there with their arm around me indefinitely?  Do I leave my arm around them?
    1. If they put their arm over my shoulder, do I go around their waist?  If so, what if I touch their stomach?  What does my hand do in that situation?  Side hug
  9. If you are the same-ish height, and your chin DOES go to their shoulder, do you keep looking straight ahead, turn away, or turn in?  I do not want to snuzzle someone’s neck, and if someone snuzzled mine I would probably accidentally punch them because I do not want anything touching my neck.
  10. If the person is taller, and I choose to look away while I hug, then it basically ends up that my ear is against their chest.  Is that ok?
    1. What if it is a girl and my ear ends up against her boob?  Is THAT ok?

I thought about taking funny pictures to illustrate each of these, but that would basically be horrifying and I cannot do it.  You will have to use your imagination.

 

**Some people are allowed to hug me.  If you have hugged me and now fear that you traumatized me, you didn’t.  Or maybe you did, I guess it really just depends on who you are.

The Time Share Post.

In that last post I wrote, I referred to buying a time share.

Here is what happened.

I was driving to Detroit to see Joshua Bell, and I called the Hilton hotel to make sure it would be ok for me to check in around 10pm.  I did not want to be denied because of my late check in.  They said that was fine, and then they said “Hey, it is Hilton’s 99th birthday, I’m going to have you talk to this other guy!”

He sounded so excited, so I got excited, too, and said “ok!”  I mean, yay 99th birthday!  Of course I wanted to talk to this other guy!

The other guy was super happy, so that made me super happy and he said that TODAY ONLY I could get 3 nights and 4 days in Orlando PLUS a $100 certificate for park admission IF I BUY IT NOW for only $223.  At ANY of their hotels.  PLUS I could get a $200 voucher for a stay at any of their hotels anywhere.  Clearly, this man had my best interest at heart and wanted me to get the best things.

I told the guy that I went to Disney when I was 5 and I had the chicken pox, and that I really want to go.  He said “You should buy this now, then”.  I said “I literally have zero dollars” and he said “But it’s only today!”  Then he said “You know, I went to Ohio State” and I said “Yay Buckeyes” and he asked if I went there, too, and I said no, I went to NDC. He said he liked Columbus, and I said yes, it can be nice.  Then he said “So how would you like to pay for your Hilton vacation today?” and it caught me off guard so I said “My Visa card?”

And that was that.

Then I got an e-mail telling me I should schedule my vacation and not to forget that I have to attend a two hour meeting about buying a time share.

The Hilton Man tricked me.

Then yesterday I received a phone call, and I never answer my phone, so usually this is not an issue.  But the same phone number had been calling me three times a day, every day, and it was a Florida number.  I answered it.

It was a SUPER FRIENDLY lady!  We bonded and we were happy and excited together and she asked me when I wanted to schedule my Orlando vacation.  I said “Here is the thing, I have no intention of buying a time share.  There is no way that will happen, nothing will talk me into it.  I am not in a position to do it and I really do not like Florida that much, so I kind of feel like I am cheating because I am going there KNOWING I will not purchase a time share.  Ever.”  She said “Oh that’s ok, a lot of people do that. Maybe in ten years you’ll want one and you’ll remember us.”  I said “Oh ok, then, do you have any dates in November?”  I have heard Disney is least crowded the week of Thanksgiving.

Now I am going to Disneyworld November 21st – 24th, by myself.  No one will be there to unattach me from Dug when I meet him.  That means I can potentially be his best friend and live there.

I am NOT going to Harry Potter World because I need a full week and a shit ton of money to do that.  I am not doing that one half assed.

Here is a picture of Jessica, Josh, me and Roger from Lindsey’s wedding.  This picture has nothing to do with the rest of this post.

Wedding

 

 

Am I Too Young To Come Here?

There is this place called Menorah Park, and it is a home for old Jewish people.  I plan on putting my dad there in 20 years when it is time for The Home.  My mom would hate to be stuck in an old people home, so I will probably just set her adrift on an iceberg.  As long as she can play Scrabble on her (my) iPad, she’ll be fine.  Oh, and I will have to make sure her iceberg washes up near a casino every week or so.

Anyway, right next to Menorah Park is a water rehab facility.  I read about it online and they diagnose your issues and come up with a very thorough plan for fixing you.  I want that to happen for my back.  I already know what is wrong with my wrists, and therapy of any kind will not help them, but maybe it will help my back.  I have never had a real diagnosis of why I am in constant pain.  Sometimes I cannot stand up for more than a few minutes at a time, and that is really embarrassing because most things in life require standing for more than a few minutes.  Also, when I walk, the pain gets so intense that sometimes I have to bend over to make it feel better, and then I get stuck like that.  It happened in NYC.  So I thought, maybe I can fix this.

My assumption has always been that this pain came from when I lift a box very incorrectly at Half Price Books – that is when it started for sure.  It has only become worse, which I assumed is because I am fat.  Because I assume fat people are supposed to be in pain as punishment, I have never tried to do anything about it until now.

BUT – again, Menorah Park is an old person place, so I did not know if I could just call and be like “I am less than 90 years of age, will you still take me?”  So instead I e-mailed and asked that.  What I actually said was “I am not sure if I am allowed to come there because I am 39, but I have the back pain of a 90 year old, if that helps.”  They said I can be any age and that is fine and that I should make an appointment.

It is four days a week (consecutive days), for four weeks in a row.  That is more of a commitment than I am comfortable making because I like to be able to back out of things.  I am going to do it, though.  I accidentally bought a time share in DisneyWorld, and I need to be able to walk around without pain.

Oh yeah – that timeshare in DisneyWorld.  I guess that is another blog, eh?  Stay tuned.

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Joshua Bell Night Two – No Cicadas!

Friday was a MUCH better day than Thursday.  First of all, there are no cicadas in Detroit.

I watched a Harry Potter marathon in my hotel until I decided it was not TOO early to go to the Joshua Bell place.  The concert started at 8, and I left at 5.  I was NOT going to screw this one up!

I got a cab and told the guy “There is a Starbucks somewhere near the Detroit Symphony and I need to go to both places” and he said he knew where that was and took me there.  I had NO CLUE where I was, so I asked him to wait while I got my beverage, and I bought him an iced tea.  Then we went to the Max and Marjorie Fisher place, i.e. the Joshua Bell Place, and it turns out it was about ten feet away from Starbucks.  I gave the guy a big tip.

I went in, and because I now knew there were many places to sit, I expected to be able to just waltz in and sit somewhere, drink my iced vanilla latte, and read for the next two hours.  I had to walk through the Fancy Open Area of Fancy People Eating, and to do that, I had to get past an usher.  I was wearing what I always wear, jeans and a black tee shirt, and my hair is currently magenta.  This poor man had no idea what to do with me.  He could NOT grasp the idea that I KNEW I was very early, and I just wanted to sit and read.  Finally he let me in, and I sat and read.  It was nice.

Concert – same as the night before, and Joshua Bell was, if possible, even more perfect.  And I knew.  This time I KNEW.  I left at intermission and went down to the Fancy Open Area of Fancy People Eating, which is where he was signing autographs.

Those of you who know me – I was in my total spazz mode.  Those of you who do not know me, I think I have explained it enough for you get to a general idea.

Here is what transpired.

Darcy – “Hi Joshua Bell”
Joshua Bell – “Hi!…..Hi?”
Darcy – stares intently
Joshua Bell – “I recognize you”
Darcy – “Over the past 25 years this is my 11th time seeing you and I saw you in Akron a few months ago and this is kind of our 11th anniversary and also my hair is very recognizable.”
Joshua Bell – “Wow!  Yes, I knew I recognized you!  Thank you for coming again!”
Darcy – “DO YOU HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY?”
Joshua Bell – “No, I actually don’t think very visually at all….”
This is where I had about 5 follow up questions but the people in line behind me started shoving their stuff in front of him to sign and I got discombobulated.

Darcy – “I was wondering if you would also sign this blank piece of paper because I want to get your signature tattooed on me”
Joshua Bell – “Whoa, tattooed? Are you sure?  That’s a lot of pressure to write neatly”
Darcy – “Yes, because I have a Green Day tattoo (at this point I pulled down my shirt to show him, essentially flashing Joshua Bell), and I want to get a Hamilton tattoo, and you are among the top three I mean you are the top one and I want to do that.”
Joshua Bell – writing very neatly on the blank piece of paper, and then also going to sign my program….”What is your name?”
Darcy – “Darcy!”
Joshua Bell – “With a Y?”
Darcy – “Yes!  Darcy with a Y!”
Joshua Bell – finishes signing
Darcy – “Joshua Bell do you think ever in your life you will play 503 from Angels and Demons live because I really think you should and I really want to hear that live so much.”
Joshua Bell – “What’s it called?  I played that?  What is it?”
Darcy – “Oh my gosh, it is only 3 minutes long but it is my favorite thing ever it is from Angels and Demons and yes you played it.”
Joshua Bell – “To be honest, I recorded that in one day and I don’t think I have played any of it since – but I’ll go back and listen to it and maybe I will play it”
Darcy – “Please play it it makes me cry and I do not know why because not a lot of things make me cry and maybe next time you come to Akron you can play it.”

Then we said our goodbyes because the people behind me were essentially pushing me along and I died.

But I have SO MANY MORE QUESTIONS.  So many.  I would be a good interviewer of Joshua Bell because I have so many questions.  And he could play 503 and I could cry for reasons I do not understand.  Or he could play anything.  ANYTHING.

I bought a ticket to see him in Chautauqua NY in August and I am already excited and spazzy about that.

Here is what he signed in my program:

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The tattoo signature is neater, but I will not show that until it is actually tattooed on my wrist.

 

Joshua Bell Night One!

On Thursday I made the Great Journey to Detroit, Michigan, to see Joshua Bell for my tenth time.  To relive my love for Joshua Bell, please read this blog.

Things started out in a horrifying manner.  Cicadas.  All over.  My house, my car, my trees.  Everywhere.  Here are my tires.

IMG_3987 IMG_3988Then I got into my car and saw this…..

IMG_3989I decided right then and there that I had to go through the car wash, because if one of those suckers came into my car – I would die.  I would probably take other people out with me, because I would just open the car door and roll out and leave my car driving with the cicadas in it.  It was for everyone’s safety that I got my car washed.

Uneventful trip, no more cicadas, and I got to the Detroit Symphony Orchestra, parked my car and went in.  The place is huge.  It has multiple levels, some sort of open food eating area for fancy people, and all kinds of nonsense.  I had “Dress Circle” tickets.  To me, in all my theatrical experience, that means floor seats.  In Detroit, it means “third floor way up high” seats.  I was still close to the front of what I would refer to as the balcony, but I was far away.  See?

IMG_3994

So naturally, I started rocking.  I hate being up high, I always make a point of buying tickets within the first 5 rows to see Joshua Bell because, as I described in that other blog, this is a huge thing for me.  I was rocking and mildly panicking and ignoring the announcement that said “Soloist Joshua Bell will be signing autographs AT INTERMISSION”.  Not after the concert.  At intermission.  Right over my panicked head.

The concert started with what I would call a cacophony of sound that I did not enjoy.  It was called Dreamwaltzes by the composer Steven Stucky.  I did not like it.  But then came Joshua Bell, and I went into my full trance, and it was amazing.  I stopped rocking, I stopped breathing, I stopped blinking – it was perfect.

Intermission came and went, and again, because I AM STUPID, not only did I miss the announcement about him signing at intermission, I did not look at the program to see that I was about to be subjected to an hour of Joshua Bell-less music.  It was fine music.  There was nothing wrong with it.  I mean, I got bored.  I started getting twitchy.  I did not know why Joshua Bell was not there.  Why would you bother having more of a concert where Joshua Bell WAS there, and then continue WITHOUT HIM?

After the concert, I went right to an usher and said “Where is Joshua Bell?” and she said “Oh honey, he’s long gone, he signed at intermission and left”.  I am notorious for not having facial expressions, but I must have had a pretty significant one, because she then said “I’m so sorry, are you ok?” and I did not say anything, and she said “Do you need something?  Are you alright?” and I said “He is gone?” and she patted me on the shoulder.

Every time I come out of seeing Joshua Bell, I am in such a state that I shake, vibrate, rock, rub my hands together in that annoying way that I do, and I stutter.  But having to sit through an hour of no Joshua Bell made that go away, and then finding out I missed him at intermission made me go “Plunk” right down to the depths of despair.

I had questions I wanted to ask him.  I wanted to get his signature so I can get it tattooed over my wrist surgery scar.  I mean, how inspiring is that?  The wrists that made me stop playing the violin, tattooed with the signature of the person I most admire in basically the world, tattooed OVER THE SCAR FROM THE SURGERY?  I realize I have a LOT of famous people whose work I flip out over, but Joshua Bell has been #1 on that list since I was 14, without wavering.  That is 25 years.

I went back to my hotel and ordered a $35 grilled cheese sandwich from room service and played Rummikub on my phone.

But then, Friday came….stay tuned!