Quotes!

I collect quotes.  Sometimes I overhear part of a conversation and write it down, or sometimes I am part of the conversation and I write it down.  Whether or not I’m eavesdropping, I write down a lot of quotes!  Unless otherwise indicated, these are all word for word, since I whip out my iPhone and start typing exactly what people are saying at that moment!

****NOTE – the Maggie and Emily that show  up in these quotes often are my nieces, now ages 14 and 11.

Annie – I’m full of pizza and shame.
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Dan – I was looking to see if that was a crack in the wall, and if there are any others, because if that wall’s going to collapse, we gotta get out of this fucking room.
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Christine – I made a terrible mistake.  I got McDonald’s for lunch and now I might be dead.
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Roger – I didn’t know I penetrated your defense shield.
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Darcy – I’m going to make you dinner.  Dar Dar’s Meatloaf and Mashed Potatoes.
Roger – And then we can make a porno afterwards with the same name.
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Darcy – I have a headache.
Josh – I just want to take my pants off.
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Mom – I hate it when kids sell cars.
Darcy – I hate it when kids do anything.
Mom – You know, you were a kid once, too.
Darcy – Yeah, but I was awesome.
Mom – Yeah, you’ve always had that ego.  Although sometimes you acted like you wanted to disappear off the face of the earth.
Darcy – That was probably related more to the humans around me than to my ego.
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Joey – I have many, many, MANY handicaps.  But I will not go bald.
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Lindsey – I can’t wash dishes or use…the clothes…dishwasher.
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Xena – My stomach sounds like the end of The Lion King when they’re all roaring triumphantly.
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Josh – We’ll come to that bridge when we cross it.
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Josh – I was going to be an ass and say cous cous, but I’ll just take fries.
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Darcy – But you were flashing with your bra on, right??
Jocelyn – That doesn’t even get you beads!
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Jocelyn – (about Poo Pouri) I brought this because what if there are unisex bathrooms, and I have to poop, and David Tennant is in the next stall??
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Melissa – The data could live up your ass, it’s still going to come to repx in an xml file.
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Mom – If you eat your rosary, you go to hell.
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Jen – (about Steven the hamster) His balls are so large….
Darcy – We should put googly eyes on them.
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Josh – I’m gonna be butch and go to Home Depot and then order pizza and complain about how fat I am.
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Darcy – I shall strip for you.  See how sexy I strip?
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Mom – I think I’m a victim of some sort.
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Chris – I would just kill you, and you would be dead.
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Xena – She literally played “pin the L on the GBT” and I got the L.
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Josh – I’m over here begging for a Red Bull like a little bitch, and grandma’s out there dancing….
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Josh – Ok, a whiff….a whiff of the diabeetus is pencils, up close is Band Aids.
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Emily – (attempting to rap) I’m a gangsta
Maggie – (mocking her) I’m 4 foot 7, go to Catholic school, wear glasses….you’re not a gangsta.
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Mom – If my life could change, just one thing, in any way, it would be that I’m not in a constant state of having to pee.
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Annie – Even douchebags deserve love.
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Jessica – Just when I thought I was old enough to do anything, the makers of Cards Against Humanity prove me wrong.
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Annie – You’re so cute.  I like my animals more than I like you.
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Maggie – But you can haggle them down
Darcy – Is that a thing? Do they do that?
Maggie – I don’t know, aren’t you Jewish?  Isn’t that what you do?
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Lindsey – I snorted in my mouth but without noise and it hurt.
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Xena – Joey, you’re turning red…
Joey – Because she said “roleplaying”….Oh no no no, I don’t wanna live like this.
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Kara – I always feel like I’m driving south, but I rarely am.
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Chris – It’s your face that makes the dress look awful!
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Kyle – I don’t read anything unless it’s letters imposed over a cat of some sort.
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Darcy – I’ll let you smell me next time I’m high.
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Lindsey – Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Diabetes.
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Kara – I just got a phishing email from Dunkin’ Donuts and my fatass almost fell for it because it says to get a free box of munchkins.  Not today, tech!  Not today!
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Dan – I am nurse.  Nurse is me.  I just say nurse and beer comes to me.
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Dan – Those gang members were some of the nicest people I’ve ever met.
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Mom – Apparently the child is unfortunately endowed, and very small, with outrageous bosoms.
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Darcy – Dean Thomas is calling!  Kara!
Christine – Darcy, I’m reading Harry Potter, you know.
Darcy – Christine!  It’s Dean Thomas!
Kara – Isn’t Dean Thomas also the guy from Wendy’s?
Darcy – That’s Dave Thomas.  I’m embarrassed to know you right now.
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Kara – It’s going to be so great seeing everyone….rushing passed me to get to Buddy (her dog)
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Kara – Did I dream how to learn this?  I remember doing one but not when.  Have you ever dreamt you knew how to do something and then you just know?
Christine – Kara, I don’t think that’s a thing.
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Peter – Girls don’t poop.
Joey – Do you ever just sit around and, like, imagine….
Peter – NO.  I DO NOT.
Joey – No seriously, like, the Pope taking a shit?
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Lindsey – Nobody needs philosophy on a Monday, Joey.
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Chris – They’re not even bipolar…they’re just polar.
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Josh – This place is an HR nightmare.
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Maggie – We had to watch that in school.
Darcy – You had to watch ice cubes melt?!
Maggie – No….we had to watch The Gift of the Magi….
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Emily – You’re usually a dream maker, but now you’re a dream breaker (to her dad who said no to something)
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Mom – No, wait, there’s something else I want to say about him having Alzherimer’s….wait….I forgot.
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Xena – When you’re in a pool, there will always be urine and fecal matter and bugs and other gross things.
Darcy – This is why I never leave my house.
Xena – “Doctor – so tell me, why did your Agoraphobia start?  Darcy – Because people pee in the pool”
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Peter – If I looked like this but with feminine features, I’d be a bombshell, that’s what I’d be.
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Darcy – Hey look, there’s a Lyft car!  Oh.  That’s your car.
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Mom – Should I unbutton more buttons so you can see my shimmy?
(this is almost better without explanation, but she meant cami – as in tank top)
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Jessica – You guys, I got a milkshake instead of a Polar Pop today and I am regretting it….I feel like I cheated on my husband.
(Jessica gets a Polar Pop every single day)
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Darcy – I think he’s desperate for a wife and you know, I’m clearly a hottie, a highly desired woman.  I could be his keeper.
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Dad – I hate this commercial because of that guy in the blue shirt and that girl.
Darcy – You aren’t allowed to hate kids, you support and nurture them.
Dad – I don’t care, I can’t stand her.
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Darcy – I am literally walking around with an egg under my boob, trying to hatch it.
Christine – Darcy….what the actual fuck is your life?
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Darcy – Don’t you want to keep your young good looks?
Dave M – No because then I’ll turn into a woman.
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Mom – When we lived in University Heights, the Jews wouldn’t talk to me.
Dad – I did!
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Kara – They ripple like the ocean (Referring to Jenna’s boobs)
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Darcy – But those things stay where they should and I don’t see them.
Sabrina the Human – But they don’t, and then I do.
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Sabrina the Human – I think you need to lower your expectations for what we walked into today, and then be mind blown at what we’ve been given.
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Annie – Winnie (her dog) would be a better president than Donald Trump and she was scared of her own fart yesterday.
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Brent – I feel like such an adult – meetings, with coffee….
Joey – and writing instruments.
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Darcy – It’s national penguin day, you know.
Mom – OH, why didn’t anyone tell me?  I would have done something.
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Jackie – If someone said something like that to me, I’d punch her.
Peter – More power to you, I’d run away crying.
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Watching my niece’s softball game….
Dad – Oh, that’s Jenna out there.
Darcy – Aren’t they all basically named Jenna, though?
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Via our internal work IM system:
Christine – Oh my gosh, I’ve had so many heart attacks
IM’ HAVING ONE RIGH TNOW
Josh – Why????
Christine – look at my types
types*
….typos*
Josh – That’s a stroke, honey.
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Josh – I had a palpitation at rehearsal last night, I was like, oh god, is this it??
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Ann – Ok, an why don’t we want to say that?  Because I’d like to say it, it makes me feel powerful (about using the phrase “insurance fraud”)
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Emily – Her last name is Havasi-Kielbasa
Darcy – IT IS???
Chloe – (slowly shakes head in disbelief that an adult fell for that)
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Mom – Chuck and Helen.  I don’t know who the hell they are, but they are thinking of us.
Dad – Aren’t you related to them?
Mom – No.
Dad – Yes you are.
Mom – They are from Avon Lake, I don’t know anyone who lives there.
Dad – You’re related to them.
Mom – I AM NOT, KEN!
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Jenna – March?!  Yesterday you said February!
Chris – You know what’s after February?  March.
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Darcy – I can’t believe you found my size.
Sabrina the Human – Well it’s not like you are special store sized.
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Emily – I got a random undershirt.
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Maggie – Don’t kill the holy family!
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Darcy – I found a pill.
Dad – You found money?
Darcy – You are both deaf.
Dad – Hmmm?
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Darcy – Does the phone stay out?
Mom – No.
Darcy – The phone comes in?
Mom – No, it stays out!
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Josh – (about a bottle we marked with a little skull and crossbones and we called it poison)Some dumb fuck is going to drink it and die though.
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Maggie – Ben needs to go to a different school.  We don’t have the resources Ben needs.
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Sabrina the Human – What should I do on my birthday?
Darcy – Have a party!
Maggie – Kill a man!
Emily – Punch the guy who talks too much!
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Darcy – Do you feel guilty that you didn’t give me dinner?
Dad – No.  As long as I got mine.
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Darcy – I could spare 40 pounds from one boob.
Josh – Honey.  You do not have one boob that weighs 40 pounds.  If you did, you’d be Dolly.
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Darcy – Mother, I demand that you make me an omelet with four eggs and two pieces of cheese.
Mom – Is that conducive to your diet?
Darcy – A hell of a lot more conducive than the carbs I want to eat.  Any carb.  I WANT ANY CARB AT ALL.
Mom – Ok then.  But four eggs?  Three eggs makes a big omelet.
Darcy – I DO NOT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND HOW LITTLE I HAVE EATEN IN THE PAST 5 DAYS.  Four eggs.  FOUR EGGS.
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Peter – Should I send that to you via e-mail?
Brent – No.  Via telepathy.
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Kara – My brother is turning 18.
Darcy – Oh that’s cute.
Kara – He’s going to jail, it’s not that cute.
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Milena – I’d totally be a vegetarian but I just love eating meat.
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Josh – Thank you for coming, Sabrina.
Lady – My name is Tabitha.
Josh – I don’t even care.
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Mom – How do you sound Indian?
Darcy – They have an affliction in their voice, like Hawaiians.
Mom – Affliction??
Darcy – Inflection, damn it.
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Darcy – How does your colon still work?
Steve – Guinness.
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Steve – I don’t trust beer that my body doesn’t change the color of.
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Steve – I wouldn’t call myself an abundance of masculinity, but I’m not fruity.
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Mom – See if Dad wants to go.
Darcy – Ok.
Mom – Oh wait, if it’s dark he won’t go.
Darcy – Why not?
Mom – Because if it’s dark he thinks it’s nighttime.
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Joey – Sometimes they make me want to cry and be alone.
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Mom – Darcy.  To become rich, I need a pond.  Then I will put fish in it, the kind you get caviar from.  Then I would not kill the fish, I would massage the eggs out of them and sell them for a hundred dollars an ounce.  Set that up and let me know when I can be the boss. (Pause) Or bamboo.  I can grow bamboo in the backyard.
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Lisa – It’s not like Florida sticky bug hot.
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Lindsey – You can’t pet a cat with zero hands, that’s just science.
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Darcy – I am truly exceptional.
Mom – Oh shush, get off your high horse.
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Joey – I got shot at back in August.  I didn’t run then and I’m not gonna run now (about running as exercise)
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Chris – I have faith in you.  And if you fuck up USAA, I will kill you.
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Milena – Being a grown up is cool because you can literally do whatever the hell you want.  You can adopt a dog and teach him Harry Potter spells as commands.
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Darcy – There’s a video on Facebook of a guy going nuts in an office and throwing stuff all over, and no one tries to stop him. If anyone does that here, I’m tackling you, just for the record.
Brent – Can I have permission to do that, too?  I will full on football tackle someone, and lay them out and then yell “NOT IN MY HOUSE!”
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Josh – Don’t tell me you’ve missed me, because we’re not like that.
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Darcy (while playing Scrabble with my mom) – Damn it.  I thought now that you are old and senile I could beat you.
Mom – I KNEW you were thinking that!!
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Karyn – I’m not good at math.
Darcy – You’re an accountant!
Karyn – I don’t do head math!
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Lindsey (to me) – You are the weirdest combination of afraid of nothing and afraid of everything at the same time.
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Dad – I could lock your mother in the garage, but she has the gift cards for the fancy meal
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Darcy – He got an offer he couldn’t refuse.
Christine – Everyone is getting those fucking things, where’s mine?!
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Sabrina the Human – (talking talking talking) Did that make sense?
Darcy – (after a pause) I think what you’re trying to say is that Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are hot.
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Darcy – What’s on next?  It’s not going to be porn, is it?  If it is, that will make me irate.
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Darcy (reading a sign on our way to Wizard World Comic Con) – Are you going to heaven or hell?  You can call that number and they’ll tell you.
Sabrina the Human – Well, I’m being very gluttonous and spending all my money on false idols, what do you think?
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Darcy – We should get you these, your mom would kill me (referring to whore boots)
Maggie – *I* would kill you.
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Darcy – (to a 6 year old who takes Kung Fu) When you kick a person, where do you aim?
Aurora – At the person.
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Jane – We have very different ideas of hot.
Steve – You gotta remember, for Jane, *this* (referring to himself) is hot.
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Sean (to Steve) – Do you have a six pack?
Everyone in room – Laughs
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Sammi – I’m just going to have some cheesecake because I’m sad.
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Mom – Did you smell that someone had something that smelled funny in the movie theater?
Dad – It was so loud, I can’t smell anything under those conditions.
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Darcy – I feel sticky.
Tyler – Are you eating Rice Krispie Treats at your desk again?
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Lindsey – You can tell the difference because Christine’s name has two i’s in it and her dog has two eyes, and my name has one i and my dog has one eye.
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Jenna – I emailed her Monday and HAVE NOT heard back from her.  Wait.  Monday was yesterday, wasn’t it?  Ok, I take back some of my indignation.
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Maggie – If I explode, will you clean up all of my little exploded parts?
Emily – I will save your heart and feed it to the cows.
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Mom – Does your side still hurt?
Dad – Yes.
Mom – I mean, like, OUCH?
Dad – No.
Mom – Then what do you mean?
Dad – I don’t know.
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Maggie – We used to get hot chocolate and slushies at school, and then Michelle Obama came along and now we don’t get anything good.
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Darcy – David is in the building.
Mom – Elvis might be, too.
Dad – We’ll see who gets here first.
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Mom – I need to be needed.  People need people.
Darcy – (sings “People Who Need People”)
Mom – Oh no.  Don’t do that.
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Darcy – (I came downstairs and hugged my dad) I love you daddy.
Dad – (Freezes in place) Oh. Um. Ok.
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Darcy – Stop flapping that paper in front of me, you’re making me nervous.
Mom – Stop bouncing your leg, you’re making me nervous.  There.  We’re even.
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Mom  – This is nice paper, feel it.
Darcy – I do not like to feel paper.
Mom – But it’s nicer paper than most to feel, if you were going to feel paper.
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Mom – Are there carrots in these brownies?
David – No, why would there be carrots?
Mom – Because they’re vegan.
Emily – Ama.  Vegans don’t just put random vegetables in desserts.
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Darcy – I’m going to poke you every time you fall asleep.
Dad – You don’t have to annoy me, but you can poke me nicely.
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Nurse at the hospital – Hey Ladies, watch your ovaries, we’re taking an X-Ray.
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Darcy (referring to Josh’s ring) – I didn’t expect it to be THAT big.
Josh – (looks at me horrified)
Darcy – That was horrible, especially after that dream I had about you.
(this all happened very loudly and at work)
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Darcy – Throw that out, Meow Meow will eat it.
Emily – He eats everything.  Does he have a condition?
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Pet Parent – I am an especially hen pecked man.
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Same Pet Parent – 20 years from now, you are going to really and truly feel like you’re in charge, but then you’ll just take a look at things and realize how wrong you are.
(about men in marriages)
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Darcy – Do you go to church anymore?
Mom – Truth be told, I find it far easier to go to the casino than to church.
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Maureen – (to my niece Maggie) You are a factory of sadness.
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Mom (complaining about a lot of things)
Darcy – You are a very negative person.
Mom – I’m very bitter.
Darcy – Why is that, do you think?
Mom – Everything annoys me.
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Chris – Dude!  Come to the fucking work when you say you will!
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Jocelyn – So, in short, my uterus was out to get me, and I had the last laugh.
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Maggie (when I asked her what she thinks of Billie Joe Armstrong) – He’s creepy, and it’s not the guy-liner.  It’s the way he stares into your soul and knows all of your darkest secrets.
Darcy – You are 11, you don’t have any secrets.
Maggie – But if I did, he would know them.
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Sabrina – Giving the gift of sight is better than giving the gift of poo even though the person on the receiving end is equally grateful.
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Darcy – I want to see your wiener pizza.
Josh – What drink goes with wiener pizza?
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Kate – Wiener pizza?  That’s gotta be the gayest thing ever.
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Darcy (on my tendency to take people’s pets, get them spayed/neutered and find them homes) – I don’t STEAL, I shame and chastise the pet parent until they let me take their pet away

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Jane (coming out of the bathroom) – that visit turned out to be more productive than I expected.
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Darcy – It’s an anti-seizure medication, but I take it for anxiety.
Steve – Well, the anxiety causes the rocking which is sort of like a slow motion seizure.
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Teenager at movie theater – I can’t bake, so my cookies tasted like hard rocks with chocolate.
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Mom – Why did they give LeBron a standing ovation?
Emily – Because he’s LeBron.
Mom – But what did he do?
Maggie – He showed up.
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Darcy – I’m dizzy.
Christine – Your blood sugar is probably low.
Darcy (as I check my blood sugar) – No it’s not…..ehhhhhhhh (it was)
Christine – I’m going to be your diabetic Jiminy Cricket.
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Mary – I wouldn’t like to hasten my death.
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Jessica (at work) – Just because I’m blonde, doesn’t mean I’m bubbly.
Tyler – Whoa, that was dark.  You just won my respect.  Not that my respect means anything, but you’ve won it.
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Darcy – Another fish died, I think.  He’s just sitting there not moving.
Tyler – You need to get a stick and….
Darcy – poke poke
Tyler – No!  Move the water around and see if he swims away, not stab him!
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After viewing a disturbing image at work, I decided to look at hamsters to cheer myself up
Jocelyn – You really are straight up sitting there, looking at hamsters
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After driving with my parents for two minutes, I was already overwhelmed and anxious, and I took Klonopin, and a few minutes later something made me flap
Mom – Darcy, you have your Clompotin in you, let it happen
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Emily (8 year old niece) – How do I know if I’m allergic to something?  What if I’m allergic to digiridoos?
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Darcy – Jocelyn, did you see what I just saw and are you thinking what I’m thinking because that’s what I’m thinking (about a hot guy)
Jocelyn – Yes.  Is Josh?
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Darcy – Look at all these local calls coming in, none of them are coming to us.
Christine – Did you just say you’re on a bunch of pain pills?
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Christine (referring to Twinkies she brought in) I stole those from a food drive for you assholes.
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We were at a trampoline place where you could jump on a trampoline and make a basketball go in the hoop
Maureen – You should go dunk
David (my brother, not from work) – I’m thinking about it – it’s every white man’s fantasy
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Jocelyn – He said he’s going to escalate this “to the next level” if it doesn’t get resolved.
Darcy – Welcome to the Next Level.  My name is Darcy.  Piss off.
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Darcy – I’ve had to pee for four hours.
Josh – You’re a trooper….and a martyr.
Darcy – Yea, I’m a martyr…wait, that means I’m dead.
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David (from work) – Zac Efron is a very calming person to look at.  You just look at him and you feel safe.
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Maggie (11 year old niece) – It was some stupid teenager.
Darcy – You’ll be one of those soon.
Maggie – But it was a boy  I’ll never sink to that level.
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Darcy – If it’s a cervix dog (meant to say service dog)
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David (about a tiny apple) – I kissed it and bit it because that’s what you do with babies.
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Dad – What’s that noise?
Darcy – I am watching a You Tube video.
Dad – and it makes that noise?
Darcy – It is a video of the inside of a dishwasher while it is running.
Dad – HA!
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Sabrina the Human – Don’t be mad when I’m dancing.
Darcy – I won’t, just don’t pole dance on me again.
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Dad – Ryan Seacrest is carrying a dog.  It’s a puppy.  I hope it wets on him.
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Mike – If people call for me, tell them I hate them.
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Laura – Less sugar than what?  Than a pile of sugar?
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Chris, to David who is a Zac Efron super fan – You are a liker of men, I respect that.
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Laura – I agree with you 140%
Chris – Being a numbers person, you know how ridiculous that is.
Laura – I agree with you A LOT.
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AJ’s elderly neighbor, trying to think of the word “microwave” – What’s that thing?  Where you heat up everything fast?
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Mom – What’s that white thing?
Darcy – Jerry Garcia Bunny.
Mom – Is it a cat?
Darcy – No, he’s a bunny, that’s why his name is Jerry Garcia Bunny.
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After my dad passed out and hit his face on the floor:
Darcy – Were you terrified?
Dad – No.
Darcy – Scared a little?
Dad – No.
Darcy – Oh my gosh, dad, were you worried about the blood everywhere staining things?
Dad – Yes.
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Every Sunday my mom and I load up the garbage and recycling into my dad’s trunk and she drives the car down to the end of the driveway and I put the stuff out on the curb.  This started in winter because of ice and has just continued because it is now our tradition.
Darcy – When you are old and in the home, I don’t care what condition you are in, I’m hauling your ass out of there in a wheelchair every Sunday night and you are driving me and the garbage down to the end of the driveway.
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Dad – I think the cat knows he’s my boss and so sometimes he sits on my lap to give me a little reward.
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Christine – The Lord is testing me today.
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Darcy – What is that noise?
Chris – That’s the demons coming for you.
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Chris – Oh my gosh, I watched an elephant poop yesterday, and if I were standing under it, I am convinced it would have killed me.
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Mom – I got it from this store at Aurora Farms, it’s very exclusive, what’s it called?  You go in and it’s on the left, and it’s very exclusive, and I was looking for winter sweaters on sale…oh wait, I got it from Kohls.
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Maggie  – How come all my friends got the normal grandma’s?
______________________________________________________________________
Brian – Was it like creepy murder weird?  Or creepy “I don’t like clowns” weird?
______________________________________________________________________
Darcy – Do you like working from home?
Jocelyn – It’s nice being able to change your pants after you pee in them.  I don’t have that sort of latitude at the office.
______________________________________________________________________
Mom – You rushed in here like you were on fire, what happened?
Dad – Nothing, I just move fast.  It’s better for you.
______________________________________________________________________
When my dad cleans the refrigerator he takes all the expired and gross things that have been shoved to the back and shoves them in my face and says “Are you going to eat this or should I throw it out?”.  One time he asked about two bags of chips that we’ve had forever.
Dad – Are you ever going to eat these?
Darcy – No.
Dad – I’ll ask your mother.
Darcy – She doesn’t eat those.
Dad – I’ll ask her anyway.
Darcy – I know she doesn’t eat those.
Dad – I’m going to ask her.
Darcy – Oh my gosh, you just want to shove it in her face and annoy her!
Dad – Yes.
______________________________________________________________________
Jocelyn, to her dog – Why do you always want to do this after you drink?
Mike – My girlfriend says the same thing.
_____________________________________________________________________
Darcy and Jane hug goodbye…
Darcy – I think I can pick you up.
Jane – No.
Darcy – I think I can, though.
Jane – Don’t even try.
Steve – I don’t want to be the one who cleans that mess up.
______________________________________________________________________
My parents were commenting on how horses in the old days had to be very coordinated to have 6 of them pulling a carriage….
Mom – What if one of them didn’t have rhythm?
Darcy – It would be the horse version of one of us.
______________________________________________________________________
Jocelyn – Sometimes I wonder about this generation.  No offense, Cara, you seem alright.
______________________________________________________________________
Kate – Please don’t make me do squats when I feel like I’m going to shit my pants.
______________________________________________________________________
Kate – I mean, I have a button down shirt on, I thought that was classy enough.
______________________________________________________________________
Kate – I ate a piece of bread today to test my gluten and I’m just waiting to shit my pants.
______________________________________________________________________
Jocelyn – Have you ever walked into a Bath and Body Works?  It makes me want to puke and sneeze at the same time.
______________________________________________________________________
We pass around birthday cards to sign at work each month and one month there were a lot more than normal….
Jocelyn – Good grief, what were everyone’s parents doing 9 months ago?
______________________________________________________________________
Mom (referring to the Olympics) – Why doesn’t North Korea see how pleasant it is to be nice and participate?
Dad – Because it’s North Korea, they aren’t nice.  They’ve never been nice.  They don’t know what nice is.
______________________________________________________________________
Darcy – referring to my friend’s 3 year old sitting on my stuffed moose – It’s a party now, Lucy’s on the moose.
______________________________________________________________________
Darcy – Everyone’s yelling, why are you yelling?
Jane – Because we’re like that.
______________________________________________________________________
(Steve has a 5 year old daughter named Aurora, and I live in a city called Aurora)
Darcy – You should take a picture of the Welcome to Aurora sign.
Steve – No one is welcome to Aurora for a long time.
______________________________________________________________________
Jocelyn – Would you go gay for Zac Efron?
David – I would hug him and snuggle with him, I wouldn’t go all the way though.
______________________________________________________________________
An answering machine recording where I intended to leave a message for a customer, but this is how the message went:  Hi thank you for calling, leave a message after the beep….SHUT UP YOU ASSHOLE GET OFF THE PHONE.
______________________________________________________________________
David – I feel like Cooper is judging me (Cooper is a Puggle)

______________________________________________________________________
At a Chinese New Year celebration at a restaurant, a man was explaining that when the lion comes by, we put an envelope with money in it in his mouth and that will bring us good luck.
Emily (8 years old) – We’re giving our money away to fake dragons?
______________________________________________________________________
Dad – Chocolate phosphates are also known as Jew Beer.
______________________________________________________________________
I was selling merchandise at a concert for two bands
Band Guy – Darcy, can I get you anything?
Darcy – (Long, uncomfortable blank stare) Like what?
Band Guy – Uhhh.  Beer, or something?
Darcy – Oh.
(I have no idea what I thought he meant, but he threw me off so badly I had no idea what to say!)
______________________________________________________________________
Jocelyn – My mouth didn’t say what my brain was thinking.
______________________________________________________________________
Dad – Yoko Ono looks like Peter Pan.
______________________________________________________________________
Darcy – Emily, who is that guy?  (Points to a picture of James Dean)
Emily – Justin Bieber?
______________________________________________________________________
Dad – (while watching the Beatles anniversary concert) It’s funny, in the old days, if you were that age, you looked that age and acted that age.  Now, these people won’t admit that they’re old.
______________________________________________________________________
Darcy – He’s interesting looking.
Erin – Yeah, if you’re into Tolkien.
______________________________________________________________________
Chris – Don’t tattoo your feelings.
_____________________________________________________________________
Brian – when there’s 5,000 drunken hillbillies smoking weed, that is the opposite of camping, it’s not relaxing.
____________________________________________________________________
David – I started liking them when I was little.  Well, not little.  A couple years ago.
____________________________________________________________________
David – I don’t always speak Spanish, but when I do it’s on the phone to people who don’t understand what I’m saying (after Googling the Spanish wording for “is your pet spayed”)
_____________________________________________________________________
Darcy – Is taxidermy weird? (in reference to what to do with Sabrina after she died)
Dad – Yes.  The only person who did that and it wasn’t weird was Roy Rogers with his horse Trigger.
_____________________________________________________________________
Brian – Beau!!!  No no no no…well, whatever was in that is gone (talking to a Doberman named Beau)
______________________________________________________________________
Darcy – What is that?
Dad – That’s the cold air register, the cold air goes up there.
Darcy – But heat rises, not cold.  How does it get up there?
Dad – Because it…it just does.
______________________________________________________________________
AJ – Did you know there is a Walking With Dinosaurs movie?
Darcy – Yes, but I can’t see it because they get sad and eat each other.
AJ – Yeah, that’s called….what happened.
____________________________________________________________________
Lindsey – (referring to getting her dog Brutus a pet cat) He wouldn’t eat it, he would just hug it with his mouth.
_____________________________________________________________________
Lisa – Was he a pugsicle?  (After we left Cooper the Puggle outside too long)
______________________________________________________________________
Karyn – Are you going to write about people who leave before the final curtain?  Just stay in your fucking seat, man.  It’s like leaving before the priest at mass.
______________________________________________________________________
Lindsey – In my head I’m really good at being sickeningly sweet and passive aggressive, but in real life I would probably just sweat uncontrollably.
______________________________________________________________________
Darcy – I love peanut butter so much I think I would marry it.
Cara – Your wedding would be nuts.
______________________________________________________________________
Darcy – Bye daddy, I love you!
Dad – See ya.  Good luck.
_______________________________________________________________________
Mom – Say “my pants are on fire” in a joyful manner
Dad – My pants are on fire in a joyful manner.
Mom – No, come on, say it with Joy.
Dad – Joy’s not here right now, but you talked to her this morning, she could probably come over.
Mom – Ken, say it!  Come on!
Dad – I can’t, I’m too busy trying to find holes without socks in them.
Darcy – Ha, you said holes without socks.
Mom – Do your holes have socks?
_______________________________________________________________________
Darcy – Sometimes I get really happy and excited like I am going to get a present, even though I am not getting a present.

Lisa – Yeah, sometimes I get the same way, only the opposite.  I get depressed and angry for no reason.

Lindsey – And that just summed up each of you perfectly.
___________________________________________________________________
Darcy (via text at 10am) – They closed the liquor store in Solon
AJ – Are you day drinking again?
___________________________________________________________________
After talking about things in Australia that can kill people (Spiders, bugs, snakes), Lindsey said “sometimes I’m afraid to be around Alex because he’s Australian and he might kill us” (Alex is the cofounder of our company)
_______________________________________________________________________
My mom saw Monster High School dolls and I said I want to buy them for my nieces, and she said….
Mom – I swear, if you do that, not only will I kill you, but Maureen will kill you a second time.
____________________________________________________________________
My mom forced me to play with my Cabbage Patch Doll and my stuffed dog, and I said “Let’s have a dance party” and she said….
Mom – Boys don’t dance, you bitch.
____________________________________________________________________
Maggie (10 year old niece) – Did you know Double Stuff Oreos only actually have 1.8% of the Stuff?  We’re always getting cheated out of our stuff.
____________________________________________________________________
Darcy – You’re smart.
Sharon – Sometimes.  Sometimes I’m incredibly stupid.
_____________________________________________________________________
Lindsey – I don’t like to actually feel temperature on me.
_____________________________________________________________________
Mom – Ken, hurry.
Dad – What?
Mom – Hurry.
Dad – Why?
Mom – Hurry.
Dad – I am not going to hurry.
Mom – HURRY.
Dad – I AM NOT GOING TO HURRY.
____________________________________________________________________
Brian – If I was single and I heard you say that, I would propose to you on the spot (when Christine was saying she doesn’t like shopping)
____________________________________________________________________
Brian – Let’s play the “guess what animal that person was asking about” game.  I say horse.
Darcy – Turtles!  Parrots!  Hamsters!
Brian – I thought we were taking turns.
____________________________________________________________________

Brian – So have I missed anything?
Mac – We sold the company.
___________________________________________________________________
Dad – Which part is the yolk?
Mom – What do you think, Kenneth?
Dad – Yolk.  Egg…yolk…the white part.
Mom – Seriously?!
Dad – Yes
Mom – When I make soft boiled eggs on toast, which part is it?
Dad – Oh, that’s the yolk?  The yolk joke.
____________________________________________________________________
Brian, as Kate walks away with the beer at work – Wait!  Come back!  Don’t go away!  The only time I drink is when I’m at work!
_____________________________________________________________________
Kori – If I were able to impregnate myself, we’d all be in big trouble.
_______________________________________________________________________
Emily – It was very dangerous when God created the world.
Maggie – What?? Why??
Emily – There were camels just falling out of the sky!
______________________________________________________________________
Mac – The only thing I’m really scared of, besides death, is Michael Myers.
Christine – That movie is stupid.
Mac – You’re stupid.
____________________________________________________________________
During a game of Loaded Questions….
Mom – If you could kill one person in the world, who would it be?
Maggie (age 10) – Some mean old person who only has a week to live anyway.
Emily (age 7) – I’d kill Justin Bieber.
________________________________________________________________

Jeff – I never get cold, you know why?  Cuz I’m a Mormon.

______________________________________________________________________
Mom, while we were playing Scrabble and I was winning – You sicken me.
________________________________________________________________
AJ’s tailor went to his house to drop off and pick up some clothes.  AJ was running late and asked me to get there first and invite Val in and tell him AJ was almost there.  I did, but Val seemed really uncomfortable and kept sort of bowing at me and saying he had to go.  AJ got home and said “I’m going to tell your mom you scared my tailor away”.
____________________________________________________________________
I was going to give my cat water while she was visiting AJ’s house.
Darcy – She probably needs some water.
AJ – In a bowl??
Darcy – No, she prefers it in a wine glass.
________________________________________________________________
We got a person to maximize our Facebook followers for the company I work for, and the CEO, Laura, was explaining how our followers increased so rapidly.
Laura – It’s not like “click if you like this kitten” and all of a sudden you’re Facebook friends with the devil.
__________________________________________________________________
Darcy – I really don’t like tornadoes.
Mike – I love them.  They’re soft.
_____________________________________________________________
Chris – If a tree falls in the forest, can someone cancel a trial plan?
Mike – If someone cancels a trial plan, does anybody really care?
Chris – I think you can cancel imaginary insurance.
____________________________________________________________
I often change my insulin pump and refill it while on the phone, and my insulin pump beeps.
Mac – I will never not think that’s not, like, a Tamigachi or something.
Darcy – I’m winning, you guys.
Lindsey – You win at insulin!
_________________________________________________________________
Maureen – You know what I’m saying – I’m going to fucking sandbag this other bitch!

____________________________________________________________________

MIke, referring to his new smartphone – It just makes sounds and then I look at it and it tells me something changed.
_____________________________________________________________________
Sabrina (the human) I have a lot of fun, you know, but I also want to kill people.
____________________________________________________________________
Dad – What is this I’m eating, Maureen?
Maggie – It’s hummus!
Dad – I prefer not eating it.
___________________________________________________________________
Darcy – Is your heart pounding?
Brian – No, but my nose is running, does that count?
_____________________________________________________________________

Lindsey – Hey guys, if you were me, what was the important thing you were going to start doing just now?

_________________________________________________________________

Mike – that was the most bizarre conversation with that woman just now
Lindsey – Really?  More bizarre than the conversation about whether or not Ken the Hamster is circumcised?
_________________________________________________________________
Chris (in a text conversation) Darcy and I are taking a poo.  (he meant pool)
_________________________________________________________________
Kate – (in response to trust your gut feelings) If you don’t have a gut, do you just trust your abs?
________________________________________________________________
Laura – You know what that sounds like?  It sounds like you are crumpling up a Jimmy Johns wrapper for a sandwich I didn’t eat that didn’t have a pickle.
__________________________________________________________________
Kate – Should we just kill two birds with one stone?  Oh wait, were we not going to say that anymore because it’s mean and it kills birds?
__________________________________________________________________
Maureen – Don’t you start with me, bitch (to her brother)
__________________________________________________________________
Marty – Eff off, the two of ya (to his sister)
___________________________________________________________________
Lindsey – I’m doing Jane Doe.
Lisa – I just did her.  Wait, that didn’t sound good.
___________________________________________________________________
Mac – Soup is dipping sauce, it’s not food.
__________________________________________________________________
Lindsey – White trash upsets me, a lot.  Like, I can not handle it.
__________________________________________________________________
Lindsey – Bless her little old lady heart.
___________________________________________________________________
Mac, quoting his dad – You’re not a hood rat, son.
___________________________________________________________________
Lindsey – Do you take Klonopin every day as a preventative measure?
Darcy – I don’t take it as a preventative measure, I take it as needed, so yes, every day.
___________________________________________________________________
Darcy – What smells good?
Mike – Flowers on a rainy day.
__________________________________________________________________
Laura – I don’t understand people who don’t care about other people.
Lindsey – Yeah, I call them guys.  The only guys I can list who have souls are my grandpa who’s dead, Ryan Gosling and my dog.
____________________________________________________________________
Darcy – I don’t want it to explode under me.
Laura – That’s NOT what she said.  Oh my gosh, that was so inappropriate.
__________________________________________________________________
Darcy – I don’t miss being in management.  Sometimes it’s nice being a schlub.
____________________________________________________________________
Dad – We have a 2007 and a 2010.
Mom – Did we have one before that?
Dad – Before 2010 or 2007?
Mom – 2010.
Dad – Well obviously we did, it’s sitting right out in the garage, it’s not like we have a whole fleet of Cobalts to keep track of.
__________________________________________________________________
Lindsey – I used to be really impressed with autocorrect, and now that I have an iPhone, I’m so impressed that I can type “gwes3” and it will say “Oh, did you mean to type spaghetti?” and I can say “Yes I did”.
_________________________________________________________________
Darcy – I don’t want anything migrating in or around my uterus.
_________________________________________________________________
Darcy – You’re my superhero, Sonya.
Sonya – Well, these people are my kryptonite.
________________________________________________________________
Darcy – I think Notre Dame has a program for that now.
Mom – Fuck them.
Darcy – Oh my gosh, you just said that!
Mom – I did, and I meant every word of it!
________________________________________________________________
Mike – In response to someone calling us to ask for the phone number of another business – It’s 1-800-look it up yourself.
___________________________________________________________________
Chris – You can enter your own prescription information.
Lindsey – Don’t tell Darcy that!  Do you have any idea how many drugs she wants to be on?
Chris – It’s for glasses.
_________________________________________________________________

Alex (who has an Australian accent) – No one has eaten the chocy ones (pronounced “chalky”

Kate – the what?
Alex – The chocy ones.
Kate – Chocolate?
Alex – Come on!  You guys have been listening to me long enough to know what chocy is!
__________________________________________________________

Lindsey had a dream that the vet removed Sabrina’s bump and it was a baby koala.  In response, I said “If they take that thing out and it’s a baby koala, you are totally the godmother”
________________________________________________________
Lindsey – Everyone says it’s the lesser of two evils.  Well, you know what?  I like Obama, I don’t think he’s evil.  I’d like to have a beer with him.  You know who I’m not having a beer with?  Mitt Romney, because he’s a mormon”
____________________________________________________
Lindsey – I wonder if anyone has gone on Facebook and said “you know, I’m a lifelong Democrat, but my sixth grade locker partner said to vote for Romney, so I am”.
_________________________________________________________
Mom (while watching the show about doomsday prep people) – If the world is going to end, why would you want to be the last one here?  You survived, but now you and ten other people have to rebuild the infrastructure of the entire world.  And you won’t even have a donkey to ride on!
_________________________________________________
Mom – I need $179.
Dad – FOR A DOLL?
Mom – The doll, the accessories and another outfit.
Dad – THAT’S INSANE!
(referring to American Girl dolls)
___________________________________________
Lindsey – (on the phone with a customer) I’m glad you were you instead of all the other people I asked if they were you.
______________________________________________________
Chris – I hate when my servers get freaky like that (referring to computer servers, not restaurant servers)
____________________________________________
Chris – Keep your cell phone really freaking close.
Alex – It’s close and charged, in fact, it’s warming up my butt as we speak.
____________________________________________________
My mom was really bored and slap happy, and she gave me this anti-snore thing that said right on it “does not treat sleep apnea”.
Mom – You put it in your nose.
Me – It doesn’t work.
Mom – Try swallowing it.
Me – ??
Mom – try shoving it up your ass!!!!!
Me – ?????????
__________________________________________________
Dad (referring to a leek, which none of us had seen in its whole form) – It looks like a giant banana with a tail on it.
(leeks look nothing like giant bananas)
__________________________________________________
AJ – Do you know what Ken’s last name is? (referring to Ken and Barbie)
Robin – GAY!
_________________________________________________
Robin – How does Barbie get all that money to buy all those clothes?  She’s probably doing something on the side.
AJ – (reading from a Barbie FAQ) Barbie has had lots of careers….
Robin – SHE’S A HO!!!!!
____________________________________________________

Darcy – Is my face still in place or is it dripping off yet?  (referring to Halloween make up)

_____________________________________________________
AJ (while grinning stupidly at the scantily clad Halloween costumes on Panini’s servers) – I like Halloween – but not for the same reasons as when I was younger.
__________________________________________________________
Darcy – My throat hurts.
Mac (horrified) – GO AWAY FROM ME!
________________________________________________________
Chris – I have the patience of…you know…something that’s not patient.
______________________________________________________________
Lisa – God bless America and all that is holy.  Damn it.
___________________________________________________________
The following conversation took place after I told AJ that Neil Gaiman (an author) retweeted one of my friends tweets about raising money to send her husband to clown class.  I don’t know the correct way to pronounce “Gaiman”, but I’ve always said “guy-min”, so read the following with that in mind.

Darcy – Neil Gaiman retweeted one of her links
AJ – Why?
Darcy – She’s very active on his twitter feed and kind of knows her, I think.
AJ – Did Neil Diamond donate any money?
Darcy – Gaiman.
AJ – Yeah, did Neil Diamond donate any money?  You’d think he’d have enough to just give the whole amount.
Darcy – Neil Gaiman, not Diamond.
AJ – I thought you said someone famous?
Darcy – I did.  Neil Gaiman.
AJ – Did Neil Diamond donate money or not??
Darcy – I don’t know if Neil GAIMAN did.
AJ – But what about Neil Diamond?????

——————————————————————-
David (my brother, referring to his two daughters)  Aren’t they exhausting?
_____________________________________________________________

Lindsey – I think we all work so well together because none of us has any social skills.

________________________________________________________________
Annonymous Person – I was hungover, which technically is sober.
________________________________________________________________
Darcy – They’re going to Disneyworld
Mom – I thought that was mum.
Maureen – I tried hard not to say anything, but then I did.
______________________________________________________________
Maureen – Father Sweetzer is adorable.
Maggie – Father Sweetzer is NOT adorable, he’s like, 76 years old.  Fuji (the puppy) is adorable, not Father Sweetzer.
________________________________________________________________
Darcy – I have an unnatural amount of death in my life.
_______________________________________________________________
Darcy – There are pictures of David Duchovny wearing a tea cup, I’ll find them right now.
Lindsey – Darcy!  You’re at work!  Please don’t!
_______________________________________________________________
Cliff – I don’t know what’s worse, people picketing planned parenthood or PETA People (followed by uncontrollable laughter from both of us)
__________________________________________________________________
Darcy – You’re weird.
AJ – Oh yeah?  That’s like the cat calling itself black!
Darcy – Oh?  Is that what it’s like?
AJ – (vehemently) YEAH!
_________________________________________________________________
Lindsey – I actually dropped scientific knowledge on Chrissy today when I informed her that pets live forever.
Darcy – She should have known that, she’s a vet tech.
____________________________________________________________________
Mom – Emily (my 6 year old niece) is just like you when you were little.
Darcy – I wasn’t that smart.  Or crafty.  And I couldn’t trick people or lie.
Mom – You still can’t.
Darcy – She tricks me and I fall for it.
Mom – Ok, you were more innocent and naive and gullible.  Ok, you still are.  She’s not.
Darcy – So basically we both interrupt, say really random things, and we are bossy.
Mom – Yes.  But she’s not bossy, she’s a real leader.  You are more bossy.  But you are both very fair and generous and you make sure everyone is involved in things.
Darcy – I just lack the intelligence, savvy and I’m unable to lie and I believe everything.
Mom – Well….yes.
______________________________________________________
Lindsey (after something startled her) – Oh my God, my heart won’t stop beating.
Darcy – Well, hopefully it doesn’t stop, just slows down.
______________________________________________________
Chris – What’s the opposite of escalation?  Fabulation?
__________________________________________________________
Darcy – Where can I get wings with a 6 foot wing span that are NOT sexy?
_____________________________________________________________

After I told Lisa all the things I’ve done to my cat’s butt because she’s been having butt problems, I said “But then she went and pooped on the floor again”
Lisa – No wonder she keeps shitting on the floor, she’s humiliated!

___________________________________________________

Mac – I may or may not have been talking to myself in there.
Darcy – I thought I heard you talking.
Mac – That happens frequently.
Darcy – What do you say to yourself?
Mac – Cool stuff.

—————————————————————
A man in a truck drove by me and AJ, and the guy in the truck was not wearing a shirt.
Darcy – Why would he do that??
AJ – He’s in his car.
Darcy – So I could just take off my shirt right now?
AJ – No, I think that would be public indecency.
Darcy – So boobs are indecent but man chest isn’t?  Why is that?
AJ – I’ve been asking myself that all my life.
————————————————————————
Mac – I’m just going to ignore the last paragraph and a half of what you just said, because it seems like maybe it was a conversation between you and yourself.
——————————————————————————-

Chris – I love beverages of all sorts.  It’s genetic.  So does my father.

________________________________________________________

Darcy – OH MY GOSH, Ken (the hamster) needs an eye patch!  Wouldn’t he be so cute with an eye patch?
Mac – I don’t even know how to respond to that.
———————————————————————————–
Jane – I rested.
Steve – In a very nap-like fashion.
———————————————————————————
Darcy – Thighs that don’t touch amaze me.
Jane – Well, inner thighs – with outer thighs, you’d expect that.
————————————————————————–
Mac – I don’t like Asian candy because…it’s Asian
Lindsey – I never would have pegged you for a candy racist.

————————————————————————————

Ken the Hamster has taken to sitting in his food bowl and kicking everything out of it with his back legs.  He started this after I started putting vitamins in his water.  My friend Jinx, speaking as Ken, said “Put shit in my water, I’ll show you”

———————————————————————————

Darcy (referring to a nice old man I talked to on the phone, who got REALLY mean) – He’s the one I wanted to be my grandpa!
Mac – The nice old man?
Darcy – Yes!
Lindsey – Well Christmas would have been awkward at your house.
———————————————————-
A friend has a Shih Tzu named Fuji, and since Fuji is still a puppy, he gets a little bonkers sometimes, so his mom calls him “Cujo”.  The following quotes are all in reference to Fuji.
Ryan – He’s not Cujo, Cujo takes poops the size of Fuji

Ryan – If Fuji comes running at you with rabies, you aren’t scared, you just kick him.

Ryan – (when we expressed concern that a hawk would eat Fuji) – If a hawk is looking for food, it’s not going to fight, it just wants to pick up the food like a drive thru.
Fuji’s Mom – Oh great, our household is a hawk drive thru.

—————————————————————–
Lindsey – (on the phone with Best Buy) – I have the Droid Incredible, and while it started out incredible, it really no longer is.

————————————————————————-

 Me – Oh my gosh, you’re still up?? (my dad has a strict bedtime of 10pm, and this was at 10:40pm)
Dad – Yeah, I’m fascinated by the Indians game.  If they play it right, it’ll be their 11th loss in a row.
————————————————————————
Uncle Mike – So what are you doing (to my mom on the phone)
Mom – Sitting on the porch drinking coffee.
Uncle Mike – Decadent westerner, no wonder we hate you.

———————————————————–
Darcy – Can I post something really gross on your wall?
Lisa – Yes, by all means, share something gross on my wall.

————————————————————–
Ryan – My mom tells me to shave my beard and cut my hair, and then I tell her that there are dogs that poop in the office so my beard probably isn’t going to cause a problem.

—————————————————————–
Lindsey – You win, Wednesday, you win.

——————————————————————
Lindsey – (talking to a dog named Dubs who has a stubby tail) Rub a dub dub, I’m rubbing your stub.

—————————————————————-
Ryan – If a demon is going to possess my body, there’s not really anything I can do about it.

————————————————————-
A mom and two kids came out of an ice cream place..
The mom – We do NOT punch people in the face.
Kid – But I didn’t punch her in the face that hard.

————————————————————
My mom, while watching the Olympics and commenting on the person who sits in the row boat thing while everyone else rows, and the sitting person doesn’t do anything – She must be there to yell directions.  “You bitches, row faster or I’m going to rip your eyeballs out”!

———————————————————————————-
Mike to Anna who was singing/narrating everything she was doing:  Stop singing your job, you sound like the dwarfs.

——————————————————————-
Mike to Nala the cat who was purring:  Nala, you sound like a bad muffler.

——————————————————————
Chris:  The guy said “what if my dog was 5” and I was like “what if I was actually an elephant?”

——————————————————————————–
Darcy:  Did you just say you proposed to your wife at the concession stand of your brother’s high school soccer game?
Chris:  Yes.  It was not my best move.

—————————————————————————————
Darcy:  There’s a difference between a hobbit and a midget.  I’m ok with midgets, I like them, but I hate hobbits….
AJ:  Ok, keep talking.  I’ll be out in the garage.  I’m listening, really.

——————————————————————————–
Sarah:  Think about my head in your voice.  Wait, that isn’t right.

——————————————————————————-
Lindsey:  This must be what drug addicts feel like (referring to M&Ms and her need to have them)

—————————————————————————–
Laura:  Tomorrow is my favorite day of the week.
Darcy:  Thursday???
Laura:  What???  Tomorrow is THURSDAY????

——————————————————————————-
Darcy – Don’t focus on the negative.
AJ – I’m not focusing on the negative, I’m dwelling on reality.

——————————————————————–
Dad – Where are they from?  Are they Chinese?  Japanese?  Korean?

Mom – Where’s Guam?

Dad – Oh, they’re Guamese?

Mom – I don’t know, Howard Stern said something about Guam and people being bored there.

Dad – Isn’t Guam part of the US, you know, like Puerto Rico?  What’s that called?

Mom – I’m taking the dog out.

—————————————————————

Lindsey – I’m pretty open when it comes to bacon.

————————————————————–

Lea – Mike must have input on all birthday cake conversations.

Mike – When you are talking about cake, you don’t exclude people, it just isn’t fair.

—————————————————————–

Lindsey at work, who is very sincere about things like this and was talking to a person whose pet had just died – Ohhh, make someone give you a huge from me – but not a stranger, get someone you know to do it.

I would also like to add that there would actually be a ton more quotes from Lindsey because pretty much everything she says is really funny, but she talks too fast and I can’t write things down fast enough!

—————————————————————————

Lea, to her dog Kayden, at work – Bad dog, Kayden!  Did you seriously just try to pee on me?  You don’t pee on your mother!

———————————————————————–

Dad – Goodnight.

Darcy – Goodnight Daddy, I love you.

Dad – Love you.

Darcy – REALLY??????  You said it!!!!!

Dad – Ok.  Don’t burn the house down.  (I was baking cupcakes)

————————————————————————-

Darcy – Are these all Americans?  (referring to the Olympic trials)

AJ – What does that sign say?

Darcy – “US Olympic Trials”.  Oh.

————————————————————————

A kid dropped a chip on the floor and my dad picked it up and put it on the counter.

Darcy – Why didn’t you put it in the garbage?

Dad – Your mother might want it.

———————————————————————–

Mom – They said between 4 and 6.

Dad – Well, it’s between 4 and 6.

Mom – Yes, but I assumed 6.

Dad – But what did they say?

Mom – Between 4 and 6.

Dad – Well, it’s between 4 and 6.

Mom – BUT I ASSUMED 6, KEN!!!!!!!

—————————————————————–

AJ is taking math lessons from my friend Sarah.  If you give him the chance, AJ will go on for hours about how math is stupid and he will never use this in his life and he will tell you to give him an example of where this information is used, etc.  So, during a lesson…

AJ – Want to know what I think??

Sarah – I don’t give a shit!!!

——————————————————

Sarah – That throws a loop in my wrench….wait, I’m mixing metaphors.

——————————————————

Darcy – Goodnight, daddy, I love you.

Dad – See ya around.

—————————————————-

Mom, while spying out the window in the new neighbors moving in….”They have nice lawn furniture”

—————————————————–

Mom – What are you doing (as Shannon reaches up to touch our kitchen light fixture)

Shannon – Checking to see if there are ridges on those, because it looks like there are.

Mom – I thought you were checking for dust or something.

Shannon – No!

Darcy – Well, are there ridges?

Shannon – No.  And see, you wouldn’t have known that if I didn’t reach up there, and you all made fun of me!

———————————————————-

Mom – When David was little, he could cry on command.

Shannon – That’s so funny, because he is such a non showing emotion person.

Darcy – ????

Shannon – Well I didn’t want to say non-emotional!

————————————————

A VIP at work – ….like Hannah Montana

An employee – ignores his joke

VIP – That was a joke.

VIP #2 – She’s not required to laugh at your jokes!

VIP – She should at least acknowledge my very bad sense of humor!

—————————————————————–

After I had to cancel a corn hole game because I was too busy with work, I get an e-mail…

Melissa – You’re letting work get in the way of corn hole???

——————————————————————–

Chris – I often imagine that I can shoot lightning bolts out of my hands.  Not at people.  You know, just at things.

———————————————————————–

Darcy (in an IM chat with coworker Mike) Chris says he often imagines he can shoot lightning bolts out of his hands.

Mike – I don’t get that?

Darcy – You know, like a super power.  It was unrelated to you asking about Lea’s schedule.  I should have mentioned that.

Mike – Oh, I was confused.

————————————————————

In the car, my mom hadn’t put her seatbelt on yet

Dad – You’re making my bonger bong.

Mom – Pardon me??

——————————————————————-

Me – Do you want me to drive, since it’s raining?

Dad – No, I like to drive in the rain.  (starts giggling) It makes your mother more nervous.

Me – OH MY GOSH!  You do that on purpose??

Dad – (more giggling) YES!!!!

——————————————————————-

Kid on TV – We’re going to be mucho caliente.

Dad – What are they, Japanese or something?

—————————————————————–

Darcy – What’s that guy doing, walking around with his hair and being all hot?

AJ – And his Ducati jacket.

Darcy – Ducati?  Oh, I thought it said Duracell.  Like a racing team or something.

——————————————————————–

Darcy – a 13 year old won the 5K, and one year, an 82 year old did.

AJ – What??  WHAT?!?!  Hey, maybe YOU could win!

———————————————————————

Dad – You ought to write a book about me so I can read it and know what I’m like.

———————————————————————

Me:  Noah Budin is singing at a Bat Mitzvah today

Mom:  Who is he?

Me:  A theater guy who…

Dad:  He owns a very famous delicatessen, his ancestors did.

———————————————————————

Lady at Bat Mitzvah:  What’s in the basket?

AJ:  Bread.

Lady:  Challah.

AJ, leaning over to me and whispering:  Was I not supposed to call it bread?

—————————————————————-

Me – Why won’t that thing stop spinning?

AJ – Because you’re special and your computer has inherited those qualities.

_________________________________________________________________________

Me – Mommy, my fears of death are paralyzing me again.  I know you said I’ve been scared since I was two and nothing’s happened, but…

Mom – (interrupting) – Well, it’s a hell of a lot more likely to happen now than when you were two!

Me – Oh my gosh, thanks a lot, that really helped.

Mom – Look at it this way…life is life and death is death, get over it.

—————————————————————————————————————————–

Dad – Mrs. Osborne’s dad was Jewish.  She’s not Jewish, but her dad was Jewish.

Me and Mom – (no response)

Dad – So is that Mark Zookerman.  That internet guy.

(my dad is obsessed with who is Jewish and who is not)

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dad – How old is Howard Stern?

Me – 58

Dad – How old is Howie Mandel?

Me – 56

Pause

Mom – Well how old is the lady?  What’s her name?

Dad – Mrs. Osborne.

————————————————————————————————————————–

Me – (with sounds of crashing and me yelling) AHHHHHHH!!!!!

Dad – (silence, and he continues sweeping the kitchen)

Me – (More crashing) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Dad – (silence)

Me – Geez, you could at least ask if I’m alright!

Dad – I don’t have time, I have to keep sweeping.

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Emily – (6 year old niece)(in shock) You’re THIRTY FIVE??  You should be married by now!

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Dad – (on American Idol) – Huh.  He won.  He’s probably crying because he knows he doesn’t deserve it.

Mom and I are quietly sobbing at the emotional Phillip Phillips.

Dad – And now you’re crying because you know it, too.

My mom’s friend Chris calls…

Dad – Hi.  Yeah, he didn’t deserve it and he was crying because he knows it.  (pause)  That’s what I said and they poo poo’ed me like I was wrong!

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Mom – (on American Idol Aerosmith performance) – Oh, it’s awful, doesn’t he have any dignity at his age?

Dad – Wow, it’s really bad.  You’d think he’d lose his voice screaming like that.

Minutes pass…

Dad – It’s really bad.

Mom – You know, you could mute it.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Mom – Want to see Slider in person, Ken?

Dad – What, he’s going to be somewhere?

Mom – St. Thomas Aquinas, the last day of school pizza party for the inner city kids.

Dad – And Slider will be there???  You get to meet him???

Mom – Yeah, want to come?

Dad – Nah.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Dad (on the marriage proposal on American Idol) – He looks like he slept under a bridge, he can’t ask her to marry him like that.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————–

On American Idol, JLo is about to perform….

Mom – Turn it off or I’ll leave the room.

Dad – Look, she went conservative.  She’s wearing her pajammies.

———————————————————————–

Me, to my mom – You don’t mind that I’m drinking your iced tea, do you?

Mom – It has sugar in it!

Me, pointing to my plate that has pudding, cherry cobbler and cream puffs – Look at what I’m eating!

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Mom – it’s nice having neighbors with a nice yard.  It’s too bad they don’t have the same view.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

AJ (attempting to say Jehovah Witness) – Jehovana Witness.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

Me – You didn’t read my blog?!

AJ – I LIVE your blog!

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Shannon – I have no pigment whatsoever (when comparing who is whiter, me or her)

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Shannon – You guys are ridiculous!  In the nicest of ways!

——————————————————————————————————————————————

AJ – She doesn’t give extra credit?  Who doesn’t give extra credit??

Me – Um, all of the professors at Notre Dame.

AJ – But Tri-C isn’t a REAL school!

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Michael from Flour Arugula night – You know what they say about dandelion, it’s the poor man’s arugula.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Will (friend and bartender) – I tried watching The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo…

Darcy – I HATE IT!

At the same time, AJ says – It was fantastic.

Older couple next to us – That was perfect, and how it will be for the rest of your lives!

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Dad – Everyone’s got their stories, there’s a lot of them.  But I don’t want to hear them, I’ve got enough of my own.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

My mom, in her sleep – AHHHHHH!

I go running to her room and shake her awake.

Me – Are you ok??  You were yelling in your sleep!

Mom – (laughs) I know, because I still have to do that table.

Darcy – Silent shock and confusion.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Darcy – Flower can get knocked up if she meets a boy dog.

AJ – They wouldn’t do THAT in daylight!

——————————————————————————————————————————————

AJ (watching me eat ribs):  Wow, you’re really going at it.   (about 15 minutes passes)  I don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat something so….enthusiastically.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Darcy:  I walked into a gun fight with a knife.

Mark (my cousin): No, you walked into a gun fight with a banana.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Me (at a fancy restaurant, excitedly bouncing up and down in my seat):  Can I have the big one, please?

AJ:  Um, yeah.  We’d both like the entree sizes.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

My Dad (talking about a former gym teacher who randomly remembered me and not my brother):  It’s one thing if you’re a great athlete, like your brother, but I guess they remember, you know, the opposite kind of people as well.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Maureen (My sister in law, to my mom, who was doing dishes):  Are you putting the dishes away?  I am going to get up and cause you physical harm while I’m holding a brain injured dog.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Dad:  It seems like Catholic people migrate towards Jews.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Darcy:  What is up with this John Carter film?

AJ:  It cost a lot of money to make.

Darcy:  Why?  Because of all the aliens and stuff?

AJ:  Yes, their rates went up and there was a big contract dispute.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

AJ (answering the phone as my mom calls to ask yet another computer question, speaking in an Indian accent):  Thank you for calling tech support, this is Joan, how may I help you?

——————————————————————————————————————————————

AJ (as my dad turns out the lights in the room we are sitting in):  You know, there have been studies that have shown more light improves people’s mood.

Dad:  I feel just fine.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Me:  Dad!  Just let her bite you so I can squirt her or she’ll never learn!

Dad:  I don’t want her to bite me!  Let her bite you, I’m not crazy, I don’t want her biting me.

Me:  It doesn’t hurt!

Dad:  Well I don’t want to find out!

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Me:  My dad is well versed in tongue….oh God, that sounded really bad, didn’t it (in reference to beef tongue)

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Me (at the zoo, in front of a baby’s mother):  I almost just stepped on that baby.

AJ:  Inner monologue, honey.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Clay:  I heard you.

Seth:  Well acknowledge me, asshole!

——————————————————————————————————————————————

AJ:  I got robbed, I didn’t get anything out of it.  Well, I guess that’s how robbery works.  Otherwise, it’d be a transaction.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Darcy:  Stop it, my dad will come down!

AJ:  What, we were just hugging!

Darcy:  You were gyrating!

AJ:  Fine, I won’t gyrate.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Darcy:  We can watch a movie on my dad’s tv.  Ooooh!  We can order one!

AJ:  Your dad will die.

Darcy:  He will never know!

AJ:  Never know??  He knows right now!  He knows it’s being thought!

 ——————————————————————————————————————————————
AJ (referring to his Amish cleaning lady):  I have to text her, damn it.  But she might be sleeping, or praying, or milking a cow or something.
——————————————————————————————————————————————

Me:  Karyn and I are going to see a psychic next week.  I have to call for an appointment.

AJ:  Shouldn’t he already know you’re coming?

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Me:  I asked Ali if she would do a non traditional holiday song, because she’s Pagan.

AJ:  Does she worship the devil?

Me:  If she did, I would have said “satanist” and not “pagan”.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Me:  So what do you think, bangs or no bangs?

AJ:  Bangs.  I don’t like it when people have long hair, and then short hair in the front.

Me:  Those are bangs.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Maureen (my sister in law, about whether or not Cathedral Latin is co-ed):  I think Cathedral Latin is bi-sexual.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Emily (my 5 year old niece):  Did Jesus eat trees?

Maureen (my sister in law, the mom):  No.

Maggie (Emily’s 7 year old sister):  Emily, Jesus wasn’t a dinosaur.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Chris (a friend):  She’s not a single white female, she’s a single white brain cell.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Sharon (a friend):  I call bullshit on that one.  Sorry, I shouldn’t say bullshit in a teahouse.

Darcy (that’s me):  Call shenanigans.

Sharon:  That’s what I should have called!

——————————————————————————————————————————————

7 year old boy in a bookstore:  Wait!  I gotta take a picture of this and text it to mom so she knows I want it!

——————————————————————————————————————————————

My Dad (on Lady Gaga’s performance at an awards show):  I liked it, the singing was just fine.  It’s just…all the scenery and stuff.  (the “scenery” in this case were very scantily clad men – my mom had previous stormed out of the room in protest when she saw it)

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Darcy:  Oh my God, are you going to throw up?

Dave (my manager):  I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t feel THIS way.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Kid at the zoo to a giant lion:  He loves me.

Kid’s dad:  I’m pretty sure that’s not a look of love.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Drunken AJ:  I wonder who is the richest midget in the world?

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Darcy:  That baby needs to stop crying or I’m going to punch it in the face.

Karyn (without missing a beat):  Yeah, you should never have kids.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Emily (5 years old)(in reference to the song Tomorrow from Annie):  Why is she saying “tomorrow” so much?  That’s overkill.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Karyn (my friend):  Because I can’t know, I must know.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Emily:  (4 years old) Kugel, no!  You’re a bad kugel!  (after a piece of noodle kugel fell on her dress)

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Steve (my friend):  I gave her the PJ’s off my own ass.  Of course, that meant she had to sleep with me exposing my ass.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Jane (my friend):  His feet smell like popcorn.

Darcy:  But popcorn smells good!

Jane:  Not when it’s feet popcorn.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Kira (my friend):  Just run him over in his M3.

Darcy:  I don’t want to hurt him, I just want him to grow up!

Kira:  Sometimes you have to run him over to get that.

 ——————————————————————————————————————————————
Joy (my mom’s friend who is very active in church):  Sometimes I just want to go up and slap holy people.
——————————————————————————————————————————————
Random guy eating dinner outside at a restaurant:  These people are fabulously rich.  They don’t really belong on our street at all.
——————————————————————————————————————————————
Emily (when learning how to pray):  Dear God, we prefer good luck.  We prefer good luck for all the children of the world…..except for Caden because he’s bad.
——————————————————————————————————————————————

Emily:  My feet know the way to the potty.

My mom laughs.

Emily:  It’s not funny.  When they were little they didn’t know.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Darcy:  Do you have a yellow shirt?

Dad (who is colorblind):  Yes.  Could you go into my closet and pull out the yellow shirt and put it on my bed, just to confirm I know what yellow is?

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Dave:  It was a big jumble of fuck.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Darcy (when playing Apples to Apples and the main word was “mystical” and my brother added “kilt”):  What’s so mystical about kilts?

David (my brother):  A guy wearing a dress?  I mean, come on, what’s up with that?

——————————————————————————————————————————————

AJ’s Uncle Ernie (who is Mr. Forbes Businessman and extremely successful):  You know, in some circles, I’m considered a very influential man (after he and his wife were offering opinions about painting a wall and his wife overruled him and sent him out of the room)

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Sasha (my friend):  My inner Leigh was irked.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Sasha:   YOU disperse!  There’s a sandal coming after you!  (this was after the buy area at work got too crowded and I yelled at everyone to disperse.  Also, I HATE sandals.)

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Maggie (to my vegan brother, her father):  I mean, peaches have flesh, but come on!  It’s not like there’s meat in pie!

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Mary (my friend, to Maggie, my niece):  How many fish do you have?

Maggie:  7.

Mary:  Do you have 4 of one kind and 4 of another?

Maggie (trying to be polite to an adult):  Umm, that would be 8.  We have 7.

Darcy:  You just got owned by a 6 year old.

Mary  (sincerely confused):  What happened to the 8th fish?  Did he die?

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Darcy:  Oh my God, what are you doing??

AJ:  I’m adjusting!

Darcy:  My mother was just in the room!

AJ:  She turned around!  If you had these things, you’d understand!

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Hostess:  Welcome to Mitchell’s Fish Market.

AJ:  Thank you.

Darcy:  Ewww, it smells like fish in here.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Mary:  Virginia is for lovers.

Darcy:  I thought that was West Virginia?

Steve:  No, that’s for cousins.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Darcy (to manager Dave):  I like your outfit today.  It’s very Army.  Like you could hide in the shrubbery and I wouldn’t be able to see you.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

I lived in the basement of Paul Floriano’s house.  I am terrified of lightning, and this conversation happened during a lightning storm.

Darcy:  The house is going to get struck by lightning.

Paul:  What, do you think the roof is a conductor of electricity?

Darcy:  What is the roof made of?

Paul:  It’s made of tar and….roof.

He then went on to explain that we lived in a brick house, and that bricks won’t catch on fire.

Darcy: Is the whole house made of brick?”

Paul:  You go outside and tell me – it looks pretty fuckin’ brickful to me!

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Tiffany – (after we bought in a VHS copy of Little Mermaid at the store) Oh!  It’s the penis one!

——————————————————————————————————————————————

I was on a “business call” with manager Dave – he was off, and I was at work and he needed to catch me up on a few things.  Mid sentence, he says – Ooooh, hey!  Hell!  Criminy!

Darcy – What?  Are you ok?

Dave – Silence

Darcy – Dave???

Dave – I just beat a level of Angry Birds with just one bird!

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Chris – Oh sure, if there’s a pig in the world wearing ill fitting pants, it’s Chris’s fault!

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

Overheard while getting my hair cut:

Girl 1 – She has a cat with no teeth.

Girl 2 – Why doesn’t he have teeth?

Girl 1 – He was a stray, but she bought him.

Girl 2 – That doesn’t explain why he has no teeth, what does he eat?

Random Customer – Applesauce.

Girl 1 – Soft cat food.

Girl 2 – But where are his teeth??

 ——————————————————————————————————————————————

My mom (Ama to my nieces) – Bye Emily, I love you.

Emily – Silence

Maureen – Emily, Ama just said she loves you, what do you say?

Emily – (Stares, then) – Congratulations.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Maggie – Maggie likes fruit.

My mom – If you talk about yourself in the third person like that, the kids at school will think you are strange.  You should use the right pronoun.

Later…

Maggie – Pronoun likes fruit.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

AJ – I’m not a dumbass!  I’m a badass!  What kind of ass do you think I am??

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Rachel Floriano – You made me prematurely detonate.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Darcy – What am I supposed to say to a shrink?

Dave – You say “This all started on December 21st and I’m bat shit nuts on a lot of levels anyway”

——————————————————————————————————————————————

My Dad (talking about his favorite Superbowl commercial) – That was the best one yet, there were monkeys driving cars.

….later….Dad – It’s really too bad you missed that one with the chimpanzees driving the cars.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

My Dad – If my name were Ben Roethlisberger I’d be in high school before I was able to spell it.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Mom (on the many Superbowl ads featuring people getting hit with things in unfortunate areas of their bodies) – What’s so funny about getting kicked in the jewels?

Dad – especially by an insurance company you never even heard of.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Dave (regarding his safety policy at my store) – If you die at work, I want it to be because I killed you.

 —————————————————————————————————————————————–
Rachel Floriano – It’s not about reality, it’s about what makes me happy.
——————————————————————————————————————————————

Dad, on the new American Idol format – What about the elevator? Where’s the elevator?

Mom – They changed it, Ken.

Dad – Changed it?  They can’t change the elevator or I won’t like the program anymore.

 ——————————————————————————————————————————————
Dad, on a basketball team – I wonder if that white kid ever looks around and wonders, what the hell am I doing here?
——————————————————————————————————————————————
Dad, on the fact that a 500$ pair of jeans AJ ordered cost 89$ to ship – 89 dollars?  Holy cripe, my entire wardrobe doesn’t cost that!
——————————————————————————————————————————————

Shannon, my cousin, on the color of the wall in her new condo – That color is not what I picked, but it’s hard to pick online

Mark, her brother, my other cousin, in a totally mocking tone – I know, that is SO not the color I would have picked for an accent wall.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Shannon, about the moving truck – Does the back of the truck lock?

Darcy – No.

Shannon – Oh, you know what?  It does lock, I saw a latch.  I’ll get it when we go back down.

Later…Shannon – It doesn’t really lock, I just said that in case anyone was listening.

 ——————————————————————————————————————————————

Darcy – Mark!  Does this door lock by itself?  (referring to his apartment door)

Mark – Yeah.

Darcy – But I can still open it.

Mark – It locks.  Like the truck.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Lauren, Mark’s wife, on their son Luke – Take him with you to pee

Mark – Not in there, it’s a public bathroom (making an “ew, gross” face)

Lauren – It’s counterproductive to potty train him if we don’t put him on a potty!

 ——————————————————————————————————————————————

Guy at JFK airport – You could have the best qualifications in the world, but if you get there and you act like a schmuck, you’re not gonna get the job.

 ——————————————————————————————————————————————

Mom, on the show Alaska Highway Patrol – Is this what we’re watching?

Dad – Yeah, I figure this way we can see Alaska without dealing with Sarah Palin.

 ——————————————————————————————————————————————

Dad, on Diddy Dirty Money’s performance on American Idol, which opened with a white woman playing the piano – Oh my God, it’s a white woman.

Mom – That is not what I expected.

(P-Diddy comes out)

Dad – Oh wait, there he is.  That’s more fitting with his name.

Further into the song…

Mom – That poor man has such family issues and he wrote a song about it.

Dad, almost shouting in complete and sincere shock, – You mean you can understand what he’s saying??

——————————————————————————————————————————————

We have a *thing* at work – whenever Dave leaves the country, people and pets die.  He says we are exaggerating, but we are not.  We fear Dave leaving the country.

Dave, to me – Trust me, you’re a lot safer with me out of the country than you would be if I were here.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Me:  David J, what is the name of your Ju Ju Bee school?

David:  *name of school*.  Show some respect or I will triangle choke you.

Me:  You know, AJ’s been watching tons of DVDs and that shit is pretty damn gay looking.  Do you have anything you want to tell me?  I mean, they “mount” each other, and they are dudes.

David:  How is wrapping your legs around another sweaty man and rolling around on the ground with him gay?  I don’t get what you’re saying.

Me:  We need to have an intervention.  You’re lucky your gay club makes you able to kill me with your bare hands, or I’d make fun of you even more.  But as it is, I fear you, so I won’t tell anyone your secret.

David:  Especially mom.  I’m waiting for jiu jitsu coming out of the closet day.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Darcy:  Stop hiding things behind your back.

Tiffany:  I’m not, I’m holding my butt.

Darcy:  Oh.

Tiffany:  Did you want me to hold yours?

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Emily (5 year old niece, looking at a picture of my friend’s triplets):  Are those twinbuplets?

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Justin:  What is Desitin?

Darcy:  It’s baby cream that you put on their…

Luke:  It’s butt cream.

Darcy: ….butt.

Justin:  I’m glad I asked.

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AJ:  He got up to the podium…or whatever the holy name for a podium is.

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Customer 1 – HEY, DID YOU SEE THIS??

Customer 2 – Shhhhh!

Customer 1 – Don’t you shush me, we is NOT in a library.

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AJ (after his first P90X workout):  I can barely move and now I’m supposed to contort and shit?!

4 thoughts on “Quotes!

  1. I’ve got one from ME: last week on Tuesday (I know it was Tuesday because we have Meatball Monday and I was eating leftover spaghetti sans meatballs because the kids ate them all) – – I was eating lunch at my desk and I was erratic and my fork flipped out of my bowl. I yelped, then followed with, “no biggie, my noodle was on the lam!”…. Get it?! It was literally “on the laminate (of the desk” – – and “running away from its intended locale” I only meant it in the latter sense, but after a moment I realized just how funny I am.

    OK I’m not nearly as funny as a four year old. Dinner tonight:
    Me “Rowan, do you need more kiwi?”
    Rowan “Mom, I DID NOT GRADUATE today – why did you just say you like to SEE ME?”
    Me “Huh? I asked if you wanted more fruit”
    Ro: “Oh. I thought you asked how was my day.”

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