William Shatner Challenged Me, And I Accepted.

I have a Shatner Card.  This is a Priceline credit card with his picture on it.  I had the option of getting a credit card WITHOUT his picture on it, but what would be the point in that?

They sent me a letter saying “We raised your credit limit, yay!”  They have no idea who they are dealing with.  I took that challenge and I ran with it.  I have bought so many tickets to things and so many Squishables and I love them all and with the Squishables, it is just really hard, because I want to snuggle them while I sleep at night but I have 13 of them now, and I cannot possibly just choose one, the others would get jealous.  Plus, my cat needs room to take up 95% of the bed.

It actually started with Mr. Folino and American Idiot.  My INTENT was to buy tickets to a few of the shows and see it a couple times.  What ended up happening was that I bought tickets for me and Sabrina the Human to see it every single time.  Sabrina the Human missed a couple shows, and I missed one, but that was it.  Somehow Sabrina the Human ended up in a conversation with Mr. Folino about my income and he asked what I do with all my money, and she said “She spends it on you.”  This is not inaccurate, but to be fair, it was American Idiot.  With Dan Folino.  If your credit limit were suddenly raised, you would have gone to every performance as well.

Then I decided that Sabrina the Human and my nieces needed to see Elf the Musical and the national tour of Annie.  Oh and then HEY!  Joshua Bell is coming in March!  I just bought one ticket so I can go alone because I prefer to enjoy the religious experience that is Joshua Bell by myself.  Then guess what?  Anthony Rapp extended his time in the national tour of If/Then, so I bought tickets to that.  In the front row.  I have a high credit limit, why sit in the cheap seats?  But I cannot possibly just see it once, noooooo.  So I bought another ticket.  And I am sure I will buy more.

Even better, the comedian David Cross is coming and I wanted to take my sister in law for a belated birthday gift, so I bought those tickets, too.  Annnnddddd….because I did not write ANYTHING in my calendar on my phone, it turns out I cannot go to see David Cross with her.  I think David Cross is hilarious.  The best role in any tv show ever was him as Elliot’s brother who fell out of a tree as a child and became…impaired.  I am not allowed to say the word that they used for him anymore.  So he lived his life as a special person when really, nothing was wrong with him, he was just too lazy to get a job and act like an adult.  Oh, this was all in the show Just Shoot Me.

That is some funny shit right there.

All that is to say, WIlliam Shatner should have known not to raise my credit limit.

Chicken pot Chicken pot Chicken pot pieeeee.

My Adventures In New York.

*****I am editing this after the fact because I did not realize what I wrote about cabs versus walking made Jane sound like an awful person!!  I tend to have this issue where I think I am being funny or clear about something, and it turns out, I am being a jerk!  Jane was NOT mean about the walking/blood sugar thing!  I meant to emphasize that we walked because she does not like cabs, and with all of my fears, I would never judge someone based on theirs, so we walked.  Jane is NOT out to kill me!  I feel terrible so I want it known publicly that Jane is a wonderful friend, hostess and attender to my fears/phobias – she would never try to kill me or intentionally make me do something bad.

Here we go!

My adventure started by driving to the Kia dealership to get my oil changed and my tires rotated and all that.  About two weeks prior to leaving on my trip, I estimated I had a certain amount of money, and I was completely fine with that.  When it came time to leave, I had about half of what I expected.  No, I did not spend it on soft things or candy, I actually paid bills.  So anyway, my mom went with me so she could use her credit card to pay for my car stuff (and add it to my never ending tally that my dad keeps of money I owe him).  While at the Kia dealership, we got into an argument about that commercial where little girls use the F-Bomb to show that it is shocking to hear kids saying that, but it is more shocking that women are so unequal to men.  Here, you can watch it, too.  Our argument had nothing to do with what was said in the video, it was because my mom said that all little girls think they have to be sassy and have an attitude and she hates that.  I told her that was completely not the point.  She said she didn’t care, the girls in that video are acting like jerks.  I said they were acting.

Anyway, I started on my drive to Pennsylvania because I was staying with my friends Steve and Jane.  I got there after getting lost and adding about 40 minutes to my drive.  I was promised ice cream upon arrival, so Steve and I went and got ice cream.

We woke up at an ungodly hour the next morning so that Jane and I could get on a bus and go to NYC.  Bus rides are boring.  They are also scary.  It was 2 hours or something.  We were deposited at Port Authority where we searched out the nearest Starbucks and (for Jane) the bathroom.  I had a glorious venti iced peppermint mocha.  We got into a cab and went to our hotel, where I got out of the cab and proceeded to drop my glorious beverage on the ground.  It was horrible.

We dropped off our stuff and went to see If/Then.  I wanted to take a cab because I am really bad at factoring in exercise and insulin, and my blood sugar would undoubtedly go low in the middle of the show.  Jane did not want to take a cab because as much as my fear of flying or buses is, that is her fear/dislike of cabs.  I can’t argue with that!  So we walked and we got to the theater and stood by the stage door because we were early enough to catch the actors coming into the theater.  We didn’t know it at the time, but we basically saw the entire cast come in – the only people I knew were Anthony Rapp and Idina Menzel, though, so we pretty much ignored the others.  Anthony came and was adorable and I didn’t say anything because I knew he was in a hurry, so I just stared at him.  Then it got later and later, and no Idina.  The show was at 2, and it was 1:45.  Everyone else (in terms of patrons) had gone into the theater, but Jane and I were resilient and we stayed by the door.  I knew not to say a single thing when Idina came, because she was obviously late and would be in a big hurry, so I basically flattened myself against the wall by the door, and then, like the goddess she is, she came.  She was carrying her sick kid, which just proves she is beyond normal humanity, because the kid was pretty big, and she is pretty small, and she was carrying him for a long time.  She went into the stage door and I, flattened against the wall, stared.  I was within her breathing space.  I might have inhaled her kids germs, which could have made me sick, which basically means Idina Menzel is my BFF.

We went into the theater, the show was amazing, and my blood sugar DID go low at intermission, and I had nothing to treat it with, so I just unplugged my insulin pump.  It still went lower anyway, so I figured I’d buy a coke after the show, but after the show, all the Coke people were closed.  There was still Stage Door Stalking to do, so I ignored my low blood sugar and stalked Anthony Rapp.  He remembered me!   I have told this story before, but long story short, many years ago in the pre-Broadway tour of You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown, my friends Catharine and Mo and I went to see it in Detroit.  We Stage Door Stalked after the show, and were some of the last people to meet Anthony.  He said “Do you guys know where I can buy contact lens solution?” and Mo, being the native Detroit person, said yes, but that it was not within walking distance.  Then she said “Do you want a ride there?” and he said “yes” and we all nearly died as Anthony Rapp got into Catharine’s car and we drove him to Rite Aid.  He helped me pick out a birthday card for my friend, and we talked about Grapes of Wrath and Of Mice and Men.  So there was that.  And then when he and Adam Pascal were back in the tour of RENT in Cleveland more recently, he asked about vegan food in Cleveland (not directly to me, it was via Twitter or something), and I brought him vegan stuff.  That was a very quick interaction, though.  So anyway – he remembered me!  This is sort of strange, but because Catharine (who is now dead) was with us, and because RENT was a big thing for me and Catharine (who is now dead), Anthony Rapp has a meaning for me beyond just fan girl appreciation.  I have been watching him for nearly 20 years (not quite, but nearly) and it was all with Catharine and so to me, seeing Anthony Rapp is very familiar and for me, it is like seeing a Comfort Person.  I do not have many Comfort People, so this is a big thing.  Idina is not a comfort person, that is totally a fan girl thing.  Part of the reason Anthony is a Comfort Person is also because his voice is the only one I can sing with in the car.  So Catharine and I would sing RENT and You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown and I would sing all his parts and she’d sing everyone else.  So anyway, even though he does not have any idea, the man means a lot to me.

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I basically died – not just because I love him, but because my blood sugar was still super low.  Jane and I crashed into the only restaurant we could find that didn’t have a line out the door and I drank Pepsi.  Mmmmm, real Pepsi.  Not diet.  So good.

Then I said we should take a cab to see Cabaret, because I didn’t want my blood sugar to go low again, and Jane said no.  But she said she’d buy me a preemptive Coke/Pepsi just in case.  We got to the theater, and I finally had to pee (more on peeing in future posts, but as most of you know because I talk about it so much, I rarely pee).  Jane said the bathrooms were normal, but maybe I am just used to luxurious midwestern bathroom stalls, I thought it was the smallest stall I had ever seen.  I had to lean back over the toilet to close the door!  And then….well….and then my bra popped off.  Only my friend Mary knows the second part of this story, but the part I will share is that my bra popped off.  It just unhooked, all by itself.  So I am in this microstall without a bra.  Because of my wrist issues, I cannot reach back and just rehook it, I have to take everything off, hook it while it is off of me, and put it on like a shirt (TMI, sorry).  So I did that in the microstall.  It was difficult.

Cabaret was *amazing*.  I hate the show because, you know, naked.  Lots and lots of naked.  I’ve seen it before in NYC, but not with Alan Cumming.  Words cannot describe how amazing he is.  He brought depth to the role of the Emcee that I have never experienced, and it went from being a show that I didn’t care for with very little plot that meant anything to an actual story that I cared about.  He was flawless.  His improv was perfect, he was funny and charming, and while he was basically naked the whole time, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him.  Even when he wasn’t the focus, I just watched wherever he was.

Then….Stage Door Stalking.  We were not allowed to take pictures with Alan Cumming, but he came out and said hi and signed things and we still took pictures of him, just not of us with him.  I had the beyond brilliant conversation as follows:
Me:  Hi Alan Cumming I am reading your book and I read your other book too but I did not like that one I mean I liked it but not as much as this one.
Alan Cumming:  Thank you.
Me:  I did not mean that I did not like your other book, I just like this one better.
Alan Cumming:  I do, too.

Sigh.

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On Sunday Jane and I had our official “Meet Every Friend on Facebook For Coffee” date, and then went to Jane’s mom’s house for her (Jane’s) birthday dinner.  This is their dog, Bella.

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I went back to NYC on Monday by myself, on the Scary Bus.  I had four coffee dates!  I also pet roughly 20 dogs and saw about 50 of them.  It was fantastic.  I am going to detail my coffee dates (all of them, not just the NYC ones) in a separate part of my blog, so I will just talk about the time between coffee dates.

Hotel – very cool and modern, but very much like a New York apartment.  Here is the distance between my knees and the wall in the bathroom.

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Another MicroBathroom.  Also, there was a window from the bedroom (which was the bed plus about 6 inches on either side) into the shower/bathroom.  See?

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Here is the view from the bathroom into the bedroom.

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I basically spent all my time just wandering between coffee dates, and petting dogs.  When I got back to my hotel at night, it was FREEZING in the room.  The window had been open when I came in, and I shut it, so I knew it wasn’t that.  I tried turning the heat on, and just cold air came out.  So I called the People Who Fix These Things and they came up and said that the heat would not come on until it was below a certain temperature outside, and it was not yet below that temperature.  But then he looked at the window, and it was open at the top!  Who ever heard of such a thing, a window opening at the time.  I thought all the street noise was especially loud, but I knew I closed the window, so I figured the walls were just thin.  He closed the window and all was well and I offered him a Hershey Nugget and he did not accept.

Coming soon – Coffee Dates!  It will be its own section on the home page with a drop down menu.

This Post Is About A Lot Of Things.

There are Amish men building a new roof next door and it is extremely loud, but because I have superior sleeping powers, I slept through most of it.  Now that I am trying to watch tv, though, it is much more annoying.  Because I cannot hear the tv, you see.  So this tells me, Darcy, you should not watch tv, it is a lovely day and you should go for a walk.  So obviously, I am writing a blog post.

I am mostly over my Sociopath Series.  Mostly I just miss AJ’s cats a lot.  I do not have confidence that they are being given proper attention.  I know that he would never hurt them, but I do know that he would willingly leave them alone for most of the time to pursue a female person, and I do know that he never, ever stops pursuing female people.  So I fear they are sad and alone and I have no way of knowing if they are happy.  This next part is really, really weird, even for me – but also, AJ was the voice of Sabrina.  You know how you make your pets talk?  Well AJ was Sabrina’s voice.  He wasn’t always, before I knew him, but when he gained control of that aspect of my life and renamed her Smurf, he also became her voice.  But it was funny and cute, so it was ok.  After Sabrina died (this is the part that is weird even for me) it was a great comfort to me to make AJ talk in her voice, and to have “Sabrina” tell me she loves me and is ok.  I took it very seriously.  Knowing I will never hear Sabrina’s voice again has been causing me grief.  And then I realized that Sabrina’s Facebook page “liked” AJ’s actor page.  I felt like my own cat was betraying me from beyond the grave, and I could not remember her log in information.  AJ also posted as her, even though I set up the account.  He posted funny things and it would make me tremendously happy when I would be at my house, and he would be at his, and all of a sudden my cat would post something on my FB page (this was when she was alive).  I did not want Sabrina to “like” AJ’s actor page after the things he put me through, so of course, I panicked and completely freaked out.  Then a very lovely and kind young man who knows a lot about computers (and makes me realize how much I do NOT know) told me how to get back into Sabrina’s page and all is right with the world.  I do wish I could hear Sabrina’s voice again, though.

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In other news, it turns out that even though I am riddled with anxiety about every single thing in the world, and I spend 99% of my time thinking about animals who are suffering, biological warfare, terrorists, fire, etc, etc, I am actually one of the most calm people you could ever meet.  I found this out at work.  I have suspected it for some time, but my suspicions were confirmed when I was in a conference room with my supervisor and our reactions to the exact same thing were him jumping  up and down and saying “balls” and my reaction was “Ok, that’s fine”.  He was not freaking out, he was being super funny, but the core of our reactions was there – I was totally fine with anything thrown at me and it did not phase me in the least, and he….was phased (though completely able to take care of and fix anything that comes along).   I have a feeling people think I actually do not care because I do not get stressed out at work.  I DO care, I am just realistic.  We have 300 things to do and only 3 people available to do it?  Ok, we will all just work our asses off, do what we can, and that is the best that can happen.  It is something I can attempt to fix, but not control.  Now if the situation were that one person (or everyone) was completely slacking and not doing their job, I WOULD be stressed and I would take action to fix it, but there is no one like that where I work.  I know that people are doing everything they can, so I figure, why stress out about that when there is nothing I can do about it when I can be spending my time having anxiety attacks at the thought that I might someday have to fly in an airplane in the winter, or that there are animals without homes, or that I might get Ebola, or that those Isis people are bat shit crazy and want to behead us all, or that I might have to go to the grocery store and I HATE the grocery store, or that I might get kidnapped?  THOSE are worthy of my fear and anxiety!  I am…help me out with the word.  An oxymoron?  An anomaly?  A living breathing contradiction?  I am not sure, but all I know is that work does not stress me out in the least and I love it there.  I mean, really…Henry sticks his tongue out at stress.

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I am going to NYC and seeing Alan Cumming in Cabaret from amazingly awesome seats, and I will also be seeing the Goddess Idina Menzel and the adorable Anthony Rapp in If/Then and I WAS going to see The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime BUT I read that the point of the play is to have the audience experience Christopher’s sensory overload issues and thankyouverymuch I experience that quite enough on my own and do not need to be trapped in a theater having it forced upon me.  I am also going to have coffee with several people.  I have had my first Coffee Date, but I cannot decide if I want to make a physical scrapbook of my Coffee Dates, or if I want to make a section on my website for it.  So more to come on that, try to contain your excitement until I figure it out.

Oh and also in NYC, I will absolutely be stage door stalking the following people, whether or not I see the production they are in:  Alan Cumming, Idina Menzel, Anthony Rapp, Rupert Grint.  If I get a picture with Ron Weasley, I could probably die and be happy that I have accomplished everything I could have hoped for in my life.  If it is anything like the stage door when I saw Daniel Radcliffe in How to Succeed in Business, though, I may have to continue throughout life without that picture.

I am listening to a podcast by Librivox of Anne of Green Gables and it is very well read and all the voices are great except….Anne’s friend Diana Berry is read by like, an 82 year old woman.  It is the most off-putting thing ever.  I am not saying she is read by an adult trying to sound like a kid, I am saying that it is read by an elderly adult making no attempt to sound like a kid.  When Anne is talking to her about school and boys, and an 82 year old woman answers, it is just…really unsettling.

Meow Meow is sitting in the bay window watching leaves come down and it is super cute.  His little head follows them on their journey down to the ground.  Oh and also I got a squirrel to eat a peanut out of my hand and I pet him.  Here is Meow Meow watching a leaf:

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I left that one big because I like the colors in it.

I COOKED SOMETHING.  I made chicken in the crock pot and Jocelyn told me how to make it and I will now tell you, dear readers, how to make it and it is delicious.   You take the chicken, all raw and nasty and gross – oh but it should be boneless skinless chicken breasts, not like, actual nasty gross parts.  I did six of them.  So you put them in the crock pot and then dump Hidden Valley Ranch powder on them, and also you dump McCormick’s Chicken Gravy Powder on top of it and then you put a stick of butter on top of it and then I put it on low for 6 hours and it was the most tremendously amazing chicken I have ever consumed in my life.  Ever.  It does not actually make gravy which is good because I do not eat gravy, it just makes it have flavor.  Normally I am opposed to flavor of any kind, but in this case, it was very good.

The fish at work are bigger and they had babies again (they ate the first babies) and hopefully these babies will stick around.  I get to give them fish treats twice a week and basically it is a cube of frozen Sea Monkeys and I pour hot water on them to melt them (they do not come alive, they are still dead), and then I pour cold water in so I am not dumping hot water into the fish tank, and then I dump it in and the fish go crazy.  They also get brighter, which is very neat to see.  I do not have a picture of the fish to post.

Do you live in New York or Pennsylvania?  My NYC trip is November 7th – whenever I decide to come back (5-6 days), so I can galavant around that whole area and have coffee with you if you live in those states.

I’ve Had A Knack From Way Back.

Here is one of my biggest confessions.  I LONG to be skinny for a variety of reasons, but the biggest reason is because I want to be a messed up crack whore in NYC from the 90’s.  That’s right.  I want to be Mimi Marquez.  From RENT.  Oh fine, you young’uns, you’ve never heard of RENT?  Here she is, in all her glory:

Watch it.  Watch the whole thing.  The outfit.  The confidence.  The skinniness.  The hair. The mixed race beauty.  The cat references.  I wanted to be Mimi ever since I saw that damn show.  But a fat girl who is very clearly NOT from NYC, has never been a “dancer” at the Cat Scratch Club, and has never had the scars of the nevers and maybes – I was not going Out Tonight.  But I tried.  I glittered.  I sparkled.  I wore shiny things.  I had awesome hair, just not Mimi Awesome Hair.  My biggest regret (forget regret, or life is yours to miss) is that I knew I would never, ever find the blue vinyl pants.

Guess what?

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They aren’t exact.  But they are for fat girls.  They had my size.  They were only 10$.  I bought them.  I have some shrugs which came from my Mimi Fashion, and I do believe I have a sparkly top I can wear.  I just need shoes.

I will be standing at the top of my stairs recreating “Out Tonight” in just about a week or so, when my box comes in the mail.  I will be a middle aged, fat, pasty white, non ethnic, short haired, clumsy Latina stripper/crack addict.  I WILL BE MIMI.  I will live my dream and no one can stop me.

I am embracing my 90’s Latina self, and I am going to ROCK THE HELL OUT OF THOSE PANTS.  I will never go out in public wearing them, but damn it, in my house, I WILL BE SEXY.  I’ll take some Tylenol PM so I can get the proper crackhead thing going, and I’ll put on my glittery make up that I am POSITIVE I still have and then I will make my pager go off and I will say “AZT break” and then what I will really take are some Tic Tacs.

I just need to find a balcony with a thing I can hang off of while I talk about my life back home where the Spanish babies cry.  I will find a bar, so dark we don’t know who we are and I will GO OUT TONIGHT.

I am 36.  I am white.  I am fat.  This is going to be fucking beautiful.

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I Completely Forget What I Was Going To Write About.

I had a thought at work and followed that thought with another thought of “I should write a blog about that”, and I know for a fact I started thinking of titles that did not involve a curse word, but now I can not even think of what the curse word I was trying to avoid was, let alone what the subject was.

So there’s this, via Ask the Darcy:

This is Sandy, and though we never met we’ve “known” each other for years. How did you get into Rent?

What Sandy says is true.  We have know each for at least 10 years, probably more like 12 or 13.  And we have not met in real life.  Here is why.  We are both obsessed with the musical RENT.  We both sat in lines overnight in scary cities, we both obsessed over particular cast members, we both stalked the stage door to talk to cast members, we both traveled to various parts of the country to see our favorite cast members in different national tours of the show…it was a thing.

I got into RENT because I had a subscription to the Broadway Series at Playhouse Square.  I am not just obsessed with RENT, I am obsessed with quite a few shows.  RENT really put me over the edge of obsession, though.  So part of the Broadway Series was RENT.  It was 1998.  I had such bad seats that I thought Angel really was a woman for the entire first act, and I could not understand the biography for the actor who played him/her.  I finally figured it all out and decided I loved the show and immediately went online and found out there were cults of people who worshipped this show and followed it around and all this other stuff, and I became one of them.  I met my friend Mo on a message board and she said she was coming from Detroit to Cleveland and she would show me the ins and outs of  The Line.  That is the part where you stay over night on the street.  I was in college at the time, so I have no idea how I got the money or the time, but I saw every show in Cleveland, then traveled to Philadelphia, Baltimore, Columbus, NYC, Toledo and I swear there was one other city but I can not remember which one.  Oddly enough, 1998 is also the year I stopped getting a 4.0 GPA at Notre Dame.  And it was also the year I started working in theater myself.  Wait, no – that was 1997.  Whatever, it was close.

I met a LOT of people through RENT and most of them were nice.  Some of them were not.  I met DK1, Lizard, Mo, Chris, Christina, Melody (but not in person), Sandy (but not in person), Madonna (but not in person), Leanne (but not in person) and Renata (but not in person) and other people I am sure I am forgetting.  I also learned what a Line Queen is, though I did not have to deal with the original NYC Line Queens, thank goodness.  I saw it on Broadway while some of the original cast were still in it, and this is horrible, but I do not remember who I saw.  Anyway, my particular Line Queen story is as follows:  my BFF Catharine and I went to Philadelphia and camped ourselves out in front of the theater for tickets.  We were very close to the front of the line, so we were guaranteed rush seats – which are super cheap tickets in the first two rows, but they are first come first serve, which is why people were so crazed about getting in line and staying there.

Catharine just had a kidney transplant and because of her meds, was not supposed to sit in direct sunlight.  We told this to a few people, left our stuff in place in line, and followed the shade and sat wherever the sun was not.  Then it came time to purchase tickets, and the self proclaimed Line Queen declared that we did not sit in the right spot all day, so we were not allowed to have tickets.  All this despite the fact that she herself had just sauntered over from her hotel because she had someone holding her place in line.  We were at least physically THERE, if not in the right spot.  Our stuff was!  So she talked to the theater person and got us kicked out of line, despite our extremely legitimate reason for not staying in one place the entire day.  Oh, and it was not just the entire day.  We were there at 11pm the night before, and this all happened at about 5pm the next day.  We were angry.  We went to the Hard Rock Cafe, and since Catharine had just turned 21, we drank fruity adult beverages and talked about how angry we were.  Then after the show we stage door stalked anyway.

Here is 6 degrees of Darcy separation.  The person who got us kicked out of line is an insignificant nobody.  We had dealt with her before and she was never nice.  Through her, in a different city, I met a person who was not just obsessed with the show, but well informed, nice, articulate, intelligent and had internet abilities that were not common at the time.  Fast forward 10 years later (more like 12 or 13 probably), this person is now the maven of all things Harry Potter, which I am also obsessed with, and she has written a book and runs an extremely insanely popular HP website, and is basically BFFs with J.K. Rowling and a whole bunch of other super cool authors.  Where is the mean line lady?  NO ONE KNOWS.  So this just goes to show that if you are a nice line lady, you go places in life.  Remember that.  It is important worldly advice.  You will become BFFs with J.K. Rowling if you are not a jerk to people.  The only reason I am not mentioning her name is because I do not know how the nice successful person feels about her previous RENT days now that she is a Harry Potter Guru, but hey, if you are reading this and you happen to be her, give a comment because you are nice.

This is the second post in a row where I made a secret reference to someone.  I am like the Illuminati.

Oh and did I mention Ask the Darcy?   K, bye now.