Can You Pass Darcy’s Driver Test?

I am going to an off site manager meeting thing, and I am being driven with a group of people.  In an SUV.  Driven by someone else.  To say this caused me anxiety is an understatement. Melissa, who I shall henceforth refer to as my personal driver, passed my test.  Mostly.  This is our conversation via our work chat system.

9/5/2017 11:20:57 AM
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your driving skills?  Probably pretty good, because you have kids, right?

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:43:39 AM
You are funny

9/5/2017 11:43:59 AM
After three hours in an SUV with me, see if you’re still saying that 😉

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:44:08 AM
and I wouldn’t assume that having kids makes you a good driver

9/5/2017 11:44:22 AM

9/5/2017 11:44:23 AM
Not helping

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:44:25 AM
What exactly are your concerns?

9/5/2017 11:44:43 AM
SUV’s are scary.  Other people driving = me not being in control. You might be a bad driver and kill us.

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:45:05 AM

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:45:09 AM
I drive an SUV every day

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:45:16 AM
and I think that small cars are scary

9/5/2017 11:45:16 AM
+1 point for you

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:45:35 AM
I’ve never had a ticket

9/5/2017 11:45:39 AM
+10 points

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:45:46 AM
I’ve never been in an accident

9/5/2017 11:45:52 AM
+20 points

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:46:14 AM
I prefer to drive because I hate the way other people drive and I generally feel that they aren’t paying attention

9/5/2017 11:46:23 AM
+1,000 points

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:46:51 AM
I do not consider myself an “agressive” driver, but I do drive fast.

9/5/2017 11:46:56 AM
-100 points

9/5/2017 11:47:04 AM
Do you drive fast around corners?

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:47:09 AM
I think I’m still out ahead

9/5/2017 11:47:13 AM
You are

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:47:34 AM
It would be dangerous to drive fast around corners

9/5/2017 11:47:38 AM

9/5/2017 11:47:40 AM
Ok, I approve

9/5/2017 11:47:47 AM
Thank you for that.

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:48:00 AM
I typically drive about 10mph over the speed limit

9/5/2017 11:48:19 AM
Ok, I definitely approve of you.  Thank you very much, and I will do everything I can to not behave like Sheldon does in a car.

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:48:20 AM
and I will consider it my personal mission to arrive first

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:48:29 AM

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:49:12 AM
I liked this game

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:49:15 AM
It was fun

9/5/2017 11:49:38 AM

9/5/2017 11:49:56 AM
Can I sit in front?

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:50:27 AM
I’m not sure I want you up front based on prior statements

9/5/2017 11:51:27 AM

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:53:07 AM
Do you plan to verbally criticize my driving the whole time or are you more one to hit your fake brakes?

9/5/2017 11:53:14 AM
Verbally criticize.

9/5/2017 11:53:19 AM
….I mean…

9/5/2017 11:53:25 AM
Offer suggestions in a non critical way

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:54:06 AM
That’s fine as long as you expect that I will probably tell you to shut up in a critial way

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:54:08 AM

9/5/2017 11:54:32 AM
Well, really, make statements of facts.  “That was a scary curve”.  “We almost fell off the highway”. “This SUV might tip over”

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:54:56 AM
You seem to have a real fear of tipping…

9/5/2017 11:55:01 AM
Huge fear

9/5/2017 11:55:05 AM
And falling off the highway

9/5/2017 11:56:08 AM
I can also offer statements of support, sometimes.  “We are winning”.  “You just kicked Chris’s ass”.

9/5/2017 11:56:33 AM
“You did not tip the SUV over on that curve”

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:56:46 AM
Well…  In the 25+ years that I have been driving a car, I’ve only thought there was a minor chance of rolling said car once and that was do to the sheet of ice I was driving across at very slow speeds but with no control and the ditch on the side of the road.

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:57:21 AM
I don’t believe the same situation will present itself this week

9/5/2017 11:57:37 AM
I feel confident that it will not.

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:58:03 AM
and I will TOTALLY kick Chris’s ass

9/5/2017 11:59:15 AM
How much will it make people lose all respect for me if I wear a helmet?

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 12:00:15 PM
You are not getting into my car wearing a helmet

9/5/2017 12:00:27 PM
It was worth asking.

So This Thing Happened.

First, for your reference:  Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.

Now that you are caught up, I have had two encounters in the past two weeks.

AJ and I use the same grocery store.  I have gone to great lengths to make sure we are never there at the same time.  One of these lengths is circling the parking lot to make sure his car is not there.  Last Monday, his car was there.  So I parked in a hidden spot and waited, watched him leave (not in a creepy way, just in the way that I wanted to make sure he left), and THEN I went grocery shopping.  So that was panic inducing, but not to the point of needing to take Klonopin.

Tonight was different.  Tonight I went out to dinner with some important people from our underwriter, and some important people from my company.  There were 7 of us.  We were sitting at a table in which I had my back against the wall and was facing out to the rest of the restaurant.  I randomly told Chris, my supervisor, that AJ sometimes comes here, and how much would it suck if he came in.  But I was in such an obvious spot, I assumed if he DID some in, he’d have the sense to see me and ask to be seated elsewhere.

There I am, happily engaged in conversation, but looking to my left because most of our table was to my left.  Then I looked at Chris.  The table a little bit to the side and behind Chris, formerly an empty table, now contained AJ’s Aunt, Uncle, Dad and Step Mom.  There was no hiding the look on my face.  Eye contact was made with the aunt, and my face turned to pure horror.  She glared at me.  I looked away and went back into conversation with the people to the left of me.  But then, a little further into the conversation, I looked at Chris and saw the aunt and uncle both give me the stink eye.  This dance went on for about 30 minutes.  I got a casual, over the shoulder stink eye from the step mom.  As much as I was trying to not look at them, they were also going out of their way to not look at me – that is much harder at a table of four than a table of 7.  It looked awkward for them.  To his credit, Mr. Novak did not turn around to give me the stink eye.

Here is the thing.  All you know right now is “aunt” and “uncle” – I have not named names and I won’t.  But this particular couple has a son in prison for heading up a child porn ring, and another son waiting on a legal settlement from Disney because he tripped over a railroad track and broke his ankle.  I, on the other hand, have not committed crimes, been to jail, or sued anyone.  I work hard, and have climbed the ranks of my company to the point that I am having dinner with important people.  And yet – the stink eyes I received were enough to induce panic.

Now the stink eye from the step mom.  She has a step son who SHOULD be in prison for statutory rape, but got off because the family has money.  I play by the rules.  I have always followed the rules.  Much like Alexander Hamilton, I am honest to a fault, wordy, and have no issues sharing my opinion.  So yes, I have shared my opinion about AJ with them, and they did not like that.  That’s fine.  I understand that no parent is going to say “You are right, my kid did some really horrible things.”  But this parent said “The horrible things my kid did, they are all your fault.  You are 100% to blame, and you are the person who brought all this about.”  Except, I didn’t.  I tried to talk AJ OUT of committing a felony.  I tried to tell his dad to talk him out of committing a felony.  When I saw more potentially felonious issues on the horizon, I tried to tell them again, this is happening.  Instead of stopping AJ, they blamed me again.

Anyway, you know the story.

Back to the present.  They thought they had the right to give me looks.  They thought “This is a bad person who did bad things.”  I looked at them and thought “These are people with one son in jail and another trying to live off a law suit because he tripped on something, and the other person is AJ who has cheated on more women than I can count on one hand, burned every bridge he ever crossed, lied, cheated in school, and flat out put me through psychological hell for 8 years.  Why am *I* panicking?  I am morally superior to all of them, I am more successful than any of the “kids” in this scenario (and actually, more successful than 3/4 of the adults there), and I am, and always have been, right when it comes to what happened with AJ.

When I got back into my car with Chris, I LOST MY SHIT.  I was shaking, I was hyperventilating, I was in full blown panic.  But on the ride home, I realized that no.  I sat through that dinner, facing them, knowing how much more successful I am than any of their kids, knowing I am right, I do right, and I follow rules.  I won.  They gave me the stink eye, I gave them something to aspire to be.  They’ll never know that, because no one is going to say “Damn, she’s right.”  But I am right.  I have always been right.  I have always been good.

To top it all off, this night made me love my job even more, if that is even possible.  The four Embracers who were there, some of whom are a Pretty Big Deal, stood up when it was time to leave and created a Wall of Embrace so I could walk out without having to pass the table of The Stink Eye.  They didn’t even discuss it, they just stood up, and boom.  A Wall of Safety happened.

I won.  If this happens again, I won’t panic. I’ll do what I always do – I will have sympathy for those in worse positions than me.  I will feel sorry that they have criminal children, and that my parents have had it easy with two very successful, honest, good people as children.  I will try to realize how hard it must be to know that part of the reason you have to have a high income is to pay for the best lawyers for your kid.  I will try to understand that it is impossible for a dad to not defend his kid, no matter how very wrong what that kid did turns out to be.  And I will try to be more empathetic to the aunt and uncle who had no idea their kid was going to be spending 15 years in prison because the child porn ring was so well hidden from, they had no idea what was coming.  I will take all of the good things I put into the universe, and hope that it gives some peace to the parents who have to deal with morally corrupt children, knowing there is nothing they can do about it.  You have to love your children no matter what, and it must be very difficult to love these kids knowing what they’ve done to other people.

Instead of panic, I will focus on my healing thoughts and my visions of peace for the parents involved in this situation.  They blame me 100% and that is 100% wrong, but I don’t know that I could turn to someone I raised and say “Wow, you really messed up a lot of lives, I have no respect for you.”  If I had a kid, I would probably try to make anyone else the bad guy, too.

And yes, this was only written after major amounts of Klonopin were consumed, after I stopped hyperventilating, after I stopped shaking, and after I got home and squished my cat.

I am fierce.  I am resilient.  I am good.  I am a fighting spirit.  I am pure.  I am innocent.  I am confident.  I know exactly who I am.

Thank you for listening.


I Have Some Concerns.


That is me at the White House.  I called upon President Obama to present to him the ideas of Dartopia, and he agreed it is a fantastic idea and said for me to go ahead with it.

What happens to the animals in NY where 7 feet of snow was dumped?  Are they all buried in the snow?  Were they able to dig themselves out?  Did they suffocate under the weight of the snow?  Are raccoon and squirrel and bunny nests and dens filled in with snow and they cannot get out?  Are kitties frozen under the piles of snow?  What about animals at zoos?  When the snow melts are they going to find millions of dead animal bodies, or were the animals all able to save themselves?

That is one of my concerns.  Here is another.

Sinkholes.  My friend Jewel says not to worry about sinkholes, but oh, I do worry.  They happen with no warning, just all of a sudden your entire house is 60 feet underground.  Is there a way to tell if a sinkhole is going to happen in my area?  Are there sinkhole free locations?  I do not want to get sucked into the earth and buried alive.  One of my biggest fears is being buried alive.  I hyperventilated at the Broadway show Aida because the two main people get buried alive at the end.  I could not breathe.  What if I die but I am not really dead and I get put in the People Burner to get cremated and I wake up and I am on fire?  That is a legitimate possibility.  Oh wait, I went from sinkholes to cremation, those are not related.  Do you know why they are not related?  Because when you get sucked into a sinkhole THEY CANNOT FIND YOUR BODY SO IT CANNOT BE CREMATED.

I also have concerns, as usual, about crazy terrorist people.  I am scared of them and I do not know why they have to keep beheading people.  That is horrible.  Why do people keep going to them to get beheaded?  What are they doing there?

I am also concerned because of the last 8 or so showers I have taken, 6 of those times there has been a really big spider waiting for me.  It is a different spider every time because I kill them with various implements each time.  This last time it was my razor.

This is a concern that I have had for a long time but I have never mentioned it.  I am concerned that I am going to die alone.  Not just die alone, but grow old alone.  Not that I want to get married, I just mean alone that I do not want kids, so I will not have kids to take care of me when I have Alzheimer’s and I am blind and possibly missing all my limbs, and I do not have a husband to do that, nor do I want one.  In theory my parents will die before me, which will leave me all alone in my house which means I could drop over dead and it might be days before anyone would know and what would my cat do?  And I am concerned because long term use of Klonopin increases the chance for Alzheimer’s by 50%.  But without Klonopin, these concerns are magnified by 8 million.

I am also concerned that I will run out of money when I am very old.  What happens then?  What do people who run out of money do?  It is highly unlikely I could get a job at age 80, and of course, I will be living by myself so no one will be able to give me any money, and then I will not be able to buy my various medications and then I will die.

Those are my concerns.  If you have any solutions, please tell me.  Thank you.


This Post Is About A Lot Of Things.

There are Amish men building a new roof next door and it is extremely loud, but because I have superior sleeping powers, I slept through most of it.  Now that I am trying to watch tv, though, it is much more annoying.  Because I cannot hear the tv, you see.  So this tells me, Darcy, you should not watch tv, it is a lovely day and you should go for a walk.  So obviously, I am writing a blog post.

I am mostly over my Sociopath Series.  Mostly I just miss AJ’s cats a lot.  I do not have confidence that they are being given proper attention.  I know that he would never hurt them, but I do know that he would willingly leave them alone for most of the time to pursue a female person, and I do know that he never, ever stops pursuing female people.  So I fear they are sad and alone and I have no way of knowing if they are happy.  This next part is really, really weird, even for me – but also, AJ was the voice of Sabrina.  You know how you make your pets talk?  Well AJ was Sabrina’s voice.  He wasn’t always, before I knew him, but when he gained control of that aspect of my life and renamed her Smurf, he also became her voice.  But it was funny and cute, so it was ok.  After Sabrina died (this is the part that is weird even for me) it was a great comfort to me to make AJ talk in her voice, and to have “Sabrina” tell me she loves me and is ok.  I took it very seriously.  Knowing I will never hear Sabrina’s voice again has been causing me grief.  And then I realized that Sabrina’s Facebook page “liked” AJ’s actor page.  I felt like my own cat was betraying me from beyond the grave, and I could not remember her log in information.  AJ also posted as her, even though I set up the account.  He posted funny things and it would make me tremendously happy when I would be at my house, and he would be at his, and all of a sudden my cat would post something on my FB page (this was when she was alive).  I did not want Sabrina to “like” AJ’s actor page after the things he put me through, so of course, I panicked and completely freaked out.  Then a very lovely and kind young man who knows a lot about computers (and makes me realize how much I do NOT know) told me how to get back into Sabrina’s page and all is right with the world.  I do wish I could hear Sabrina’s voice again, though.



In other news, it turns out that even though I am riddled with anxiety about every single thing in the world, and I spend 99% of my time thinking about animals who are suffering, biological warfare, terrorists, fire, etc, etc, I am actually one of the most calm people you could ever meet.  I found this out at work.  I have suspected it for some time, but my suspicions were confirmed when I was in a conference room with my supervisor and our reactions to the exact same thing were him jumping  up and down and saying “balls” and my reaction was “Ok, that’s fine”.  He was not freaking out, he was being super funny, but the core of our reactions was there – I was totally fine with anything thrown at me and it did not phase me in the least, and he….was phased (though completely able to take care of and fix anything that comes along).   I have a feeling people think I actually do not care because I do not get stressed out at work.  I DO care, I am just realistic.  We have 300 things to do and only 3 people available to do it?  Ok, we will all just work our asses off, do what we can, and that is the best that can happen.  It is something I can attempt to fix, but not control.  Now if the situation were that one person (or everyone) was completely slacking and not doing their job, I WOULD be stressed and I would take action to fix it, but there is no one like that where I work.  I know that people are doing everything they can, so I figure, why stress out about that when there is nothing I can do about it when I can be spending my time having anxiety attacks at the thought that I might someday have to fly in an airplane in the winter, or that there are animals without homes, or that I might get Ebola, or that those Isis people are bat shit crazy and want to behead us all, or that I might have to go to the grocery store and I HATE the grocery store, or that I might get kidnapped?  THOSE are worthy of my fear and anxiety!  I am…help me out with the word.  An oxymoron?  An anomaly?  A living breathing contradiction?  I am not sure, but all I know is that work does not stress me out in the least and I love it there.  I mean, really…Henry sticks his tongue out at stress.



I am going to NYC and seeing Alan Cumming in Cabaret from amazingly awesome seats, and I will also be seeing the Goddess Idina Menzel and the adorable Anthony Rapp in If/Then and I WAS going to see The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime BUT I read that the point of the play is to have the audience experience Christopher’s sensory overload issues and thankyouverymuch I experience that quite enough on my own and do not need to be trapped in a theater having it forced upon me.  I am also going to have coffee with several people.  I have had my first Coffee Date, but I cannot decide if I want to make a physical scrapbook of my Coffee Dates, or if I want to make a section on my website for it.  So more to come on that, try to contain your excitement until I figure it out.

Oh and also in NYC, I will absolutely be stage door stalking the following people, whether or not I see the production they are in:  Alan Cumming, Idina Menzel, Anthony Rapp, Rupert Grint.  If I get a picture with Ron Weasley, I could probably die and be happy that I have accomplished everything I could have hoped for in my life.  If it is anything like the stage door when I saw Daniel Radcliffe in How to Succeed in Business, though, I may have to continue throughout life without that picture.

I am listening to a podcast by Librivox of Anne of Green Gables and it is very well read and all the voices are great except….Anne’s friend Diana Berry is read by like, an 82 year old woman.  It is the most off-putting thing ever.  I am not saying she is read by an adult trying to sound like a kid, I am saying that it is read by an elderly adult making no attempt to sound like a kid.  When Anne is talking to her about school and boys, and an 82 year old woman answers, it is just…really unsettling.

Meow Meow is sitting in the bay window watching leaves come down and it is super cute.  His little head follows them on their journey down to the ground.  Oh and also I got a squirrel to eat a peanut out of my hand and I pet him.  Here is Meow Meow watching a leaf:



I left that one big because I like the colors in it.

I COOKED SOMETHING.  I made chicken in the crock pot and Jocelyn told me how to make it and I will now tell you, dear readers, how to make it and it is delicious.   You take the chicken, all raw and nasty and gross – oh but it should be boneless skinless chicken breasts, not like, actual nasty gross parts.  I did six of them.  So you put them in the crock pot and then dump Hidden Valley Ranch powder on them, and also you dump McCormick’s Chicken Gravy Powder on top of it and then you put a stick of butter on top of it and then I put it on low for 6 hours and it was the most tremendously amazing chicken I have ever consumed in my life.  Ever.  It does not actually make gravy which is good because I do not eat gravy, it just makes it have flavor.  Normally I am opposed to flavor of any kind, but in this case, it was very good.

The fish at work are bigger and they had babies again (they ate the first babies) and hopefully these babies will stick around.  I get to give them fish treats twice a week and basically it is a cube of frozen Sea Monkeys and I pour hot water on them to melt them (they do not come alive, they are still dead), and then I pour cold water in so I am not dumping hot water into the fish tank, and then I dump it in and the fish go crazy.  They also get brighter, which is very neat to see.  I do not have a picture of the fish to post.

Do you live in New York or Pennsylvania?  My NYC trip is November 7th – whenever I decide to come back (5-6 days), so I can galavant around that whole area and have coffee with you if you live in those states.