The World’s Tallest Bed And Me.

I went to see Joshua Bell in Buffalo, because that is what I do.  Normally he is all over the world, but recently he has been within 4 hours of me 4 times!

My hotel room was very nice, it was at the hotel where they give you cookies and also it was a Pokestop.  Can’t go wrong with that.  The bed, though, was four feet off the ground. No exaggeration.  It was the tallest bed I have ever seen.  I could not get on this bed without significant maneuvering.  I tried jumping, lifting my leg up and hurling it onto the mattress – and then I thought, this needs to be shared with the world, how could I keep this to myself?  So here you go:

Now the important part.  The concert.  Even though it was called A Night With Joshua Bell, the first half did not have Joshua Bell in it.  I preferred the second half, which Joshua Bell was in.

During intermission, the guy behind me started talking to me.  He looked like Gomez Addams. JUST LIKE HIM.  I do not like being talked to by people, but he was trying to be nice, so I smiled and nodded.

The concert was beyond words.  He played a violin concerto by Bruch, and then Ladies in Lavender.  I still get a little excited when he says he is going to play something from a movie, hoping it will be 503 from Angels and Demons.  I will not stop hoping.

Before going into the concert I asked a girl who was promoting the Buffalo Orchestra if JB would be signing autographs afterwards.  She said no, there is an opening night gala.  I did not know what to say, so I shoved my wrist at her.  The wrist with his signature tattooed on it.  The SECOND I did this, I wanted to say, on her behalf, “Dumbass, he still isn’t coming out” because I immediately realized what an ass move that was.

I was not deterred, I just figured I would “blend” afterwards and either walk into the gala and see what happens, or hang out in the lobby – I mean, he has to come out at some point, right?  I did not have the foresight to think, what exactly do I think I am going to do when he DOES come out and there I am, standing there.  I started to think I might have crossed the creepy line just by thinking this.

So concert is over, and I linger in the lobby.  Everyone goes over to the gala and I realize the flaw in my plan – I am wearing the usual, jeans and a tee shirt, and everyone else is wearing ball gowns.  Sneaking in and blending was not an option. Also, blue hair.  I hung out in the lobby until there was no one left in the lobby except for a few ushers cleaning up and a security guy.  A lady said to me “Are you waiting for a ride?”  and in that split second, I planned to lie. But I am physically incapable of lying so instead I said “Actually, I was hoping to stand here and not have anyone notice me and maybe I could see Joshua Bell when he leaves.”  She said “He’s not going to come out these doors.” I said “Oh”, but I didn’t move.

Several uncomfortable minutes later, Larisa Martinez came out of the gala room.  I waved, and she came over.  Here is my thing – I felt horrible when I met her in Chautauqua, in some weird feminist way that I cannot exactly describe.  I was so entranced with JB, I felt like I treated her like “the girlfriend” and not her own person.  Then when I found out that her own person was someone whose singing I really enjoyed, I felt even worse.  In light of that, and to kind of redeem myself and say “I swear I don’t ignore women and assume the man is the successful one”, I sent her a message on Facebook, apologizing if I came across like a jerk.  I didn’t expect her to respond, and she didn’t.  But in Buffalo, she came right over and said “I got your Facebook message, don’t worry, you weren’t rude at all!” and I basically then gushed “THANK YOU SO MUCH BECAUSE I FELT SO BAD AND YOU ARE A PERSON TOO”.  We chatted for a minute, and then she went to wherever she was going.  A minute later she walked by me again and said “It was good seeing you, have a good night!” and I thought a lot of thoughts.  I thought, well, I think that was my queue to leave, I’m starting to look creepy.  Then I thought, if SHE came out that door, maybe HE would come out that door.  But panic won, and I started to leave.  Luckily I get easily confused by locked doors, and kept trying to leave out of a door that was locked.  I heard “Hey wait!” and I turned around and died.

Larisa brought Joshua Bell out JUST TO SEE ME.  We were the only ones in the lobby and it was JUST FOR ME!  She said “Why were you leaving after you waited so long?” and I legit said “I was really starting to feel creepy and I didn’t know what to do, and I swear I’m harmless, I just, oh my god, seeing you live, it’s just, I can’t even, it’s so….” and JB shook my hand and did the whole “I know I should know you but…” and HE WAS JUST SO NICE and he asked where exactly I live, because I keep showing up in different places, and I said Cleveland, but I’ll drive 4 or 5 hours to wherever he is.  He was impressed by that.  After another minute, in which I did not ask any of the follow up questions I had, I decided I must be wasting his time, and I said “THANK YOU SO MUCH IT WAS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU AND YOU ARE SO NICE TO COME OUT AND YOU WERE SO NICE TO GO GET HIM” and I kind of turned around and ran.  Oh and somehow I fit in there “I’m going to see Green Day in Detroit next weekend!” which did not impress him, and also Green Day was postponed.

I have no pictures at all, just the bed video, and I really think that is quite enough.

Here is my cat, though.

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I Traumatize Amish People.

You all know me, I am a pretty non offensive person, right?  I have managed to traumatize several Amish girls.  The first was my cleaning lady.  I was desperate for an Amish cleaning lady because they are the best, but you need to have a hook up, you can’t just ask a random Amish person if they’ll clean your house.  So my cousin sent me someone, and the girl texted me (yes, Amish people text) and I asked her how she prefers to be paid.  PAID.  I wanted to know if it was cash only, or Pay Pal.  PAID.  This is what I actually said….

13692626_10157098515445109_7962370521561846564_n So she came and cleaned my house once, and then texted and said she could not clean anymore because her “driver doesn’t go out that way anymore”.

Today, new Amish people came.  A group of them.  I was upstairs getting ready for work, and because I am me, I keep my clean clothes crumpled in a laundry basket right outside my bedroom door, and my dirty clothes on the floor of my bedroom.  This makes sense in my world.

I realized that when I grabbed my clothes from the hallway, I forgot an essential item.  I did not have a bra inside of my room.  I heard the Amish people arrive, but I thought, they cannot possibly get up here that fast, I have time.  So I threw a towel precariously around me and opened my door to reach out to the laundry basket to grab a bra, and there I am, face to face with an Amish girl.  I said “Oh hey, how are you?” because that is totally natural.  She said “Fine, thank you” and kept walking.  It’s not like I was EXPOSED exactly, but I have a lot of skin.  No matter how I had that towel wrapped around me, things were seen.

In conclusion, I asked one Amish girl how she wants to be laid, and I flashed another.  I’m probably blacklisted.

In other news, I meant to bring my cat to work today because there is this video thing we are doing, and you can have your pet in it, right?  But I forgot him.  I emailed my dad and said “I forgot Mr. Meow Meow, please deliver him to me at work”.  My dad said “This is not April Fool’s Day”.  I said “I am totally serious, I want him in my video.  Bring him to me.”  He responded “Your mother says she will do it if you give her $100 to use at the casino.”  I said “Ok, I can do that.  But I have my cat carrier in my car, so you just have to put him in the car with no carrier.”

Mr. Meow Meow arrived in a laundry basket, with another laundry basket duct taped on top so he was in a Laundry Basket pod.  He did not appreciate it.  He also did not appreciate me trying to hold him while answering questions at a camera.  He wiggled around so much that my shirt currently has more of his fur than he does.

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We are currently working in an office, and he is under the desk.

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Project Take Mr. Meow Meow to work = fail.

Oh and he also hissed at our Foster Kitty, Triskett.

Poor Meow Meow.

Grumpy Cat Goes To The Zoo.

My dad’s birthday is October 8th and mine is October 10th and we both love animals so the family went on a field trip to the Akron Zoo today.  My nieces/brother/sister in law got me possibly the world’s most perfect gift – Grumpy Cat wearing a shirt that says “It’s not me, it’s you”.  I LOVE HIM.

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I carried Grumpy Cat all over the zoo and at one point a 3 year old-ish kid was looking at him and I made him talk to her and said “Hi I’m Grumpy Cat” and her dad literally said the words “hee hee hee” and took her hand and pulled her away.  Possibly because at that point I was alone, my family had gone elsewhere, looking at a lion and bouncing Grumpy Cat at the lion.  I guess what appears to be an adult woman playing with a stuffed animal and expecting an actual lion to respond is probably concerning for other adults.

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The lion liked me, I think.

I also saw a Capybara who I really liked and I am pretty sure is just like a giant ham ham and I do love the ham hams very much and I think my niece is getting one for her birthday and I want to buy the cage for him so it can be extravagant and big.  Basically a hamster mansion is what I’m going for.

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Grumpy Cat was forced to pose and he did not like it.  And yes, I know Grumpy Cat is really a she.

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I fed goats and that was fun because I also got to pet them, but I could not pet this doggy.

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My dad saw one of those doggies two houses down on his walk one day.  The neighbor said “Did you see the coyote”? and my dad said “Where?” and she pointed behind him and the doggy was just walking down a driveway like it was nothing.  I saw a dead one on the highway once and it was very sad.  Actually, I saw him many times because it took a long time for whoever has to pick up dead animal bodies off the highway to get to him.

Oh, and on the way to the zoo, we had many adventures.  I drove my parents, and I had no idea where I was going so they were supposed to tell me but they forgot to tell me to turn and caused me to make a very sharp and sudden turn which caused me to panic.  Then we were stopped at a light at a busy intersection and a squirrel walked under the car in front of us and I started yelling and gesturing wildly for the squirrel to get out of the street and it was extremely tense and my mom said “Darcy!  You’ve got your clompotin in you, just let it happen!”  Clompotin = Klonopin, which I had just taken because family field trips always make me nervous.

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I still have not had my first coffee date (see this post for details), but I might have one tonight if someone responds on Facebook.  I put up a post and said that I am available tonight.  If no one can, I might take a nap.

Grumpy Cat photobombs Mr. Meow Meow.

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Auntie Darcy Day!

Because my family is awesome, they did this:

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This day was created because I’m not a mom or a dad, but I’m a pretty awesome aunt, so they gave me a day!

I got to go to Mario’s Spa and get one hour massage which was the most glorious thing ever on the face of the earth.  I was warned about this ahead of time so that I could, you know, shave my legs.  Also I was warned because you go into a hot tub first.  So last night I tried on my bathing suit and had several moments of self loathing when I realized my ass was too big for my bathing suit.  Unbeknownst to me, my mom got up early and went out and brought home four bathing suits for me to try on!  So I was able to make use of the hot tub.

Let me go back a little.  Before I got into the hot tub I was led to a room full of ladies wearing bathrobes.  I was then given a bathrobe and told to put it on as well, and I was given flip flops.  There are two reactions that I have to things that freak me out – I go hard core and JUST DO IT or I completely freak out.  Really, the only time I can think of where I went hard core was when I was 14 and learning how to give myself insulin shots in front of 6 med students.  I was horrified and terrified and embarrassed because shots made me cry, but I didn’t want to cry in front of everyone, so I just did it.  Anyway, I had to call upon that version of Darcy in order to sit in my bathing suit with a bathrobe on and flip flops, which I DO NOT approve of (that thing between my toes, omg, I can’t even stand it).  Then I had to flop my way down stairs.  This spa is in an AWESOME old mansion house.  The hot tub is in a room with rocks for the walls and water fountain things.  It was fantastic.  Then the lady said “when you’re done, you can put your bathing suit in this bag and put your robe back on”.  They did not give me the Fat Lady Robe, they gave me the Normal Person Robe.  It concealed nothing.  I said “I’m sorry, take off my bathing suit?” and she said “yes, just take it off and put it in this bag”.  I said “I am not wearing anything under my bathing suit” and she said “You aren’t supposed to”.  I said “that robe….without a bathing suit…it won’t work”.  So she got me another robe and that worked, but guess what – I LEFT MY BATHING SUIT ON!

I flip flopped back up to the massage room where the lady said “take off your bathing suit and get on the table” and I said “take it off?” and she said “yes” and I said “I don’t have anything on under it” and she said “that’s normal”.  Then she said I would be covered the whole time.  I summoned my inner I Like To Be Naked Person (I don’t have one, it turns out) and I took off my bathing suit.  I was dying.  I was actually hyperventilating.  Like, gasping.  That probably looked weird.  Thankfully I was breathing normally when she came back in.

Then I had the most amazing massage ever in my life and I didn’t care if I was butt nekkid and had an audience, that is how awesome it was.

Then I found out I was expected to change into my clothes (I thought ahead and had under garments, yay me!) in a “changing room” that involved other people being there.  I locked myself in the bathroom instead.  It turns out, the lock didn’t work.  It also turns out that the woman who opened the door does not have quick reflexes because when I said “AHHHH!” she kept opening the door.

I am currently waiting for my brother and sister in law and nieces to arrive for Auntie Darcy Day Part II.

Here is my cat from this morning, I love her.  Stay tuned for Part II of Auntie Darcy Day tomorrow.  It involves the kitchen catching on fire.

And you can still Ask the Darcy. 

This Is My Post From Work.

I am on my break, I would like to clarify that.

Today Ken went on an office adventure and visited people and he sat on Kate’s shoulder and went in her hair (which is long and wavy, so he got pretty far in there).  Luckily, Ken did not poop on Kate.  And Ken has never peed on anyone at all, he has amazing self restraint in that department.  Really, he does not poop on people unless he is away from his cage for too long.

I need to think of something new for my Mystery Button, does anyone out there have any particularly weird talents they would like to send to me on video and you can be my Mystery Button?  The more I look at the word Mystery, the more it doesn’t look like a real word anymore.

Sabrina’s lessons are going well.  She knows how to high five and sit, and she is currently learning how to meow on command, because she has the cutest kitty voice ever.  In a choir of kitties, she would be a soloist.

Last night AJ was standing behind me, so naturally I grabbed his arms and leaned forward, pulling him up on my back so that his legs were dangling in the air.  It was really funny and somehow it made my back feel really nice, so I left him there.  After awhile, he wanted to get down but I wouldn’t let him, so he just had to hang there saying “Come on, please?  I have to go to bed!  Let me down!” and he would kick his little feet that were dangling in the air and it was funny.

My mom has become addicted to reality shows because we put a tv on her porch.  If I have not explained the porch yet, here it is – my mom smokes so we make her sit out on the porch.  It is a nice porch and we have a nice backyard to look at.  For awhile, she sat out there and read a book a day, but then she got bored.  My dad called the cable people and they came and put cable onto a tv on the porch and now my mom watches tv, which she never used to do because she hates it.  But now she watches Cupcake Wars, some Amish reality show, some show about Secret Princes, and…get ready for it…Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.  My dad freaks out saying the cable box will freeze on the porch in the winter, so he has come up with the idea of putting the tv INSIDE the house, facing out to the porch.  Then he will put wireless speakers on the porch.  Then my mom will have to sit facing the sliding glass doors that go into the house and watch her tv through the glass.  The mental image of my mom sitting in front of a glass door with a tv inside the house is…interesting.  For now she has decided to ward off any cold by surrounding the cable box with pillows.  Every day my dad says “It’s going to die!  The box will die!  We’ll need to get a new box, it’s going to freeze!” and every day my mom says “Ken, calm down!  It’ll be fine!  I’ll put a blanket over it”, to which my dad responds “A blanket??  It will catch on fire and we’ll all die, you’ll see.  And I’ll go first because my bedroom is above the porch.  It’ll cause a fire.  I don’t know what’s worse, the cable box freezing and having to buy a new one, or a fire!”  It’s the biggest commotion we have had in my house in quite awhile.  It is all very touch and go, you just never know when my dad is going to leap up from his giant Shaq sized chair and go onto the porch and tell my mom the cable box is going to freeze.

And hey, why don’t you just go on over and Ask the Darcy?  It was interesting there for awhile and now it’s all boring.