Psychics And Stuff.

We had a psychic lady come to work and we each got to do a 10 minute tarot card reading.  Here is the thing about psychics.  I do not believe they know anything, but I desperately WANT to believe they know things, so I have spent money to see them on occasion.  Sometimes it is pretty impressive, for instance, I saw a psychic guy when I was between jobs, and I had JUST been hired at one job that I did not particularly want, but I needed health insurance.  He said “a new opportunity is going to come up and you need to embrace it”, and a few days later, Embrace called and offered me a job.  Now come on.  Who uses the word “embrace” that frequently?

Then I saw him again and everything he said was generic and not impressive.

But the thing about psychics is that they really, really want me to believe my dead maternal grandmother is hanging around me.  They desperately want this.  Every single one has said “You have a dead person who hangs around you, it’s a grandmother, on your mom’s side”.  That could be one of two people.  My mom’s actual mom, who deserted her kids when my mom was 3 and I never even met;  or the person who raised my mom whose parting words to my mom before she died were “I’m going to hell for the way I treated you, aren’t I?”  The only encounter I ever had with her was at someone’s funeral when she told my mom she had some ailment (I thought it was a gall bladder issue, but I don’t know for sure) and my mom said “Oh, I had that, it’s awful, I’m sorry” and then “grandma” grabbed me by the arm when my mom walked away and hissed something at me about my mom being self absorbed or selfish or something.  I was maybe 10 at the time, so at this point, the details are very vague.  All I know is:  a) arm grab was scary and b) hissing something about my mom was rude.  That was my encounter.  Now to some of my cousins, she is legit “grandma” – two of the siblings were treated very nicely, and two were not.  My mom and my Uncle Mike were on the “not” list.  No judgement, but what I am saying is that there is no way in hell either one of those women is hanging around me “keeping an eye on me and helping me in life”.

I desperately want my dead person to be Catharine, of course.  All I want is for a psychic to say to me “There’s a dead girl hanging around you” and then describe Catharine.  It has been 12 years since Catharine died and I am not exaggerating when I say I think about her every single day.  And not fleeting thoughts, either.  You might say I have not “moved on”, even a little bit.

So this last psychic that came to work.  She told me about a dead person hanging around me and guess what – it was grandma.  I said “Are you sure she’s hanging around me and not like, throwing things at me or something?” and she laughed and said “It’s not a perfect thing, let me try again” and she stared at me and she closed her eyes and up to this point, I had said nothing to her.  She laid out tarot cards, I think I picked a card or shuffled or something, but all she knew was my name….which she forgot by the end of the ten minutes anyway.  So she’s staring at me conjuring my dead people and I have lost all hope and she said there was a young lady hanging around, and that she can’t tell exactly what the relationship was but it was very close, and this wasn’t the first lifetime we had been close.  She said this young lady died unexpectedly and did not realize she was dead at first, it was that sudden.  She said that this person is intricately connected to me and remains a part of me, and that she thinks she’s in her 20’s.

Catharine and I always said we were soul mates, and that we had clearly been together in various forms throughout past lives.  That we had “one brain, one heart, three kidneys (four if you include her original dead one that was still shriveled up floating somewhere in her body), and one pancreas”.  Our friendship was instant and as natural as if we had grown up together.  I have never had the sense of knowing someone without ever asking like I did with Catharine.  She died when she was 27, and I would say it is accurate that she is and was intricately connected to me.

Prior to me going to my ten minute session with this lady, people came out of the room crying, talking about dead relatives and stuff.  I am not an emotional person and I do not cry.  I did not cry at this description of what was clearly Catharine hanging around me, but my eyes got watery and I said “REALLY??”  The psychic lady said that this person thinks it’s pretty funny when random things happen to me and that she has a hand in that – whether it is something as simple as misplacing keys and finding them in my hand, or something like me randomly walking in to Joshua Bell’s rehearsal and no one stopping me (she did not reference that incident specifically, she just said “bigger things that might not happen on a regular basis”).

She also said that my recent past shows a lot of deceit and deception (hello, AJ) and that is over and will not come back.  I am not sure if that means it is safe to stop circling the parking lot at the grocery store before I go in, to make sure AJ is not there, or if it just means I should still circle, but I will not run into him?  Anyway, she said I am going to meet someone who is the opposite of that and who values honesty and “quite frankly, unfiltered truth” as much as I do.  I like to think of myself as straight forward, but “unfiltered truth” also works.  But, I said, I do not date.  She said this does not have to be a romantic person, just a person.  I said ok.

That was the end of my ten minute psychic session.

Back when Catharine died, I went to see an “Indian spirit guide” who also told me that Catharine did not realize she was dead when she died.  I do not know if this is a common thing to say when young people die, or what, but I thought that was interesting.

Here is one of my favorite pictures of me and Catharine:

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Here is a picture of me and Mr. Meow Meow:


And here are pictures of me and Embrace’s foster kitty, Eve.  Her brother is Adam.

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Sweet Dreams Are Made Of Peas.

I do not know the words to that song.  I know sweet dreams are made of something, I just do not know what.  I like peas, and it fits, so that is the new song.

I have very vivid and very emotionally intense dreams.  Not just every once in awhile, but every single night.  I have written about a dream once before, and I prefaced it with this same thing – I hate when people tell me about their dreams.  I understand that it was a very significant thing for you, but there is no way to convey that to someone who was not in your brain at the time.  I mean, unless it was a dream that predicted something, then that is just cool.

Anyway, here is the thing about my dreams.  They fall into one of a few categories.  I am going to try to distill the main points and not drone on about the details of my thematic dreams.

The Dead Pet/Dead Friend Dreams and Variations

–I think Sabrina Von Squishy is dead, but really she is not, and I find her too late and she is dying and I cannot save her

–I think Harry the Bunny is dead, but really he is not, and I find him too late and he is dying and I cannot save him

–I know that Catharine is staying at her parent’s house, but I cannot remember how to get a hold of her and eventually, I think she is dead, but really, she is still at her parent’s house.  Once I remember how to get a hold of her, it is too late and she is dying and I cannot save her. 

The AJ Dreams

–I run into AJ in a random place and he is with someone else, no one I know.  He demonstrates to this other person how he trained me, and I fall back into the trap of being tricked by him.

–I go to AJ’s house like (used to be) normal, and it is distorted in a “fun house” way, and I find AJ and he is laughing and telling me all the things he lied about, which in real life was everything, and in the dream is everything plus the fact that I was on a live feed and an audience was watching the entire thing.

–I go to AJ’s house and he is not there, but his mom is (his mom died several years ago).  I have had this dream three times, and each time, she and I had a very intimate conversation and it ended with her asking me to basically save AJ in terms of his soul and religion.  It is always left with an understanding that she knows it probably will not happen, but she still has hope.

More Catharine Dreams

–This part really happened, but is necessary background for the dream – one day I found Catharine in the laundry room of our apartment, crying uncontrollably because she was so depressed she could not function.  This episode (again, in real life) led to her going home to her parent’s and spending some time there.  I have weird holes in my memory – she could have been at her parent’s for a week, or three months, I have no concept of the time.  In the dream, that all happens, but Catharine leaves for years and never comes back to the apartment.  Similar to the other Catharine dream, I try to text her, but I cannot remember her phone number.

–I am on dialysis – this is a Catharine dream because she was on dialysis most of her life and it was a big part of how we functioned – dealing with her being “chained” to her bedroom 12 hours a day, or when she did dialysis in the hospital, I would go with her and read Harry Potter out loud to her while they drained her blood and put it back in.  So I often have dreams that I am on dialysis and that the fluid goes into my peritoneal thing, but I cannot get it out, and I am uncomfortable and bloated.

The Worst Possible Dream Ever

–This happened recently.  It is the worst ever thing that could have been dreamed.  My Catharine dreams centered around losing her, but were never malicious or mean – it was always just loss.  The AJ dreams are all based on him being manipulative and creating lies.  I finally had a dream where AJ’s personalty invaded Catharine, and it was Catharine who was lying and taunting me and laughing at me.

AJ invaded the untouchable memory of Catharine.  She was never mean and never tricked me or lied to me in real life or in a dream, and AJ’s dream person invaded her and made her do bad things.

So that is my subconscious right there.  It is all pretty straight forward, Catharine died and I found her and on December 21st it will be ten years and I still remember and feel it as intensely as if it were last week.  The same with Sabrina’s death.  And Harry the Bunny.  So all those dreams are focused on trying to save them, and failing.  That makes sense.

The AJ dreams make sense because the breaking point was when I found out he had a whole secret life filled with lies, and I had, many times, asked him “Do you have a secret life” and “I can tell you are lying about something” and he said no, no lies and no secret life.  The basis of us being able to be friends was that he would be nice to me, and that he would not lie.  That was all I asked.  I did not want details about anything, he did not have to check in with me or get approval from me, just do not lie to me.  So here he was, lying about lying.  That is what finally broke me.  His argument was “I’m allowed to have a private life”, and that is true, but that does not mean lying.  When you tell someone that you realize you have severely damaged them by lying for 6 years, and you promise not to lie again, and then you lie, you do not get the same kind of “private life” a normal person gets.  I do not care about details, I do not care who you are doing the nasty with, or how many different people, or how some of them have boyfriends.  I do not need those details.  All I needed was “Yes, I have a secret life right now, and yes, there are things I am hiding”.  Acknowledge that you are lying, do not lie about lying.  So all of my AJ dreams are based on intense lying because I am still so mad he had the gall to try to defend himself.

I do not have an explanation for the AJ Mom dreams but the most recent one came within a few days of me thinking I want to be a nun again.  I mean, not that I was a nun and I am going to be a nun again, I mean to say that I thought about being a nun for a long time and now I am thinking about it again.  But not really because I know it is not realistic.

I think maybe I want chocolate and peanut butter.

Here is a picture of a fat cat who was at a store we buy squirrel peanuts from.



This is a picture of Mr. Meow Meow.  I fell asleep and woke up to him sitting on my chest with his mousey toy.