I Was On A Boat.



Jenna Mahan attempted to anonymously ask via the Ask the Darcy link if I would go kayaking and write a blog about it.  I chatted her via our internal work chat thingy and said “Did you tell me to go kayaking?” and she said “No, but I’ll go with you.”  About five minutes later I saw her in person and she could no longer uphold her lie and she admitted it was her.

Here is why I am scared of kayaking – there are things in bodies of water that might touch me, go into an orifice, stick to me, or bite me.  I am NOT afraid of drowning because I can swim and also I am incredibly buoyant.  You cannot sink me.  I could be used as a flotation device for others.

Jenna has two kayaks, and then our friends Diana and Cliff also have two kayaks, so we all went together.  We met at a park where they transport your boat devices SIX AND A HALF MILES up the Cuyahoga River, and then you kayak back down to where your car is. 6.5 miles.  Weak noodle arms.  I honestly thought I would end up sitting in the middle of the river and someone would have to tow my ass back.  But more importantly, I thought I was going to sink the kayak.  Kayaks have weight limits.  I exceed the weight limit (I think) for Jenna’s kayak.  The potential humiliation for sinking a kayak was second only to my fear of things in the water.

I tried to wear a life jacket but it just got in the way, so I depended on my natural buoyancy and said to hell with safety.  Here is a picture of Jenna and me with my life jacket on.


We had to walk down a hill to get to the water, and the hill smelled like poop.  I got into the kayak and they set me adrift and guess what?  I did not sink the kayak!  In fact, I am sort of a natural kayaker!  I was awesome!  I paddled and I steered and I avoided obstacles and I am pretty sure video games prepared me for this.

My weak noodle arms did not give out the entire time!  I went over small waves and the water came into my boat and I sat in a puddle of river water.  I had mild panic that something would migrate some place it aught not to and that I would get some sort of brain eating amoeba, but it is now a week later, and my brain is still in tact.

Here are Cliff, Diana and Jenna before we were in the water.


Here is a lovely view from the 6.5 mile journey.


See?  It is nature.  Like, trees and shit.

I could not take other pictures because phone + river = bad.  I did manage to Facebook live some of it by holding my phone in my mouth while I paddled, and while the view is lovely, all you can hear is me breathing REALLY loudly.

We stopped to eat lunch (I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich) and some people, I will not mention any names, peed in the wilderness.  This is something I would never do, no matter how much I had to pee.  I do not even walk in grass, let alone bare my ass to it.

It seems this has become the “Poor Me, I Have Dia-bee-tus” blog, because now I am going to talk about the terror of 6.5 miles of exercise for a sedentary person and what that does to blood sugar.  I had six 20 ounce bottles of Coke, my glucometer, my glucagon kit (a syringe that someone can stab me with if I am unconscious) and a huge zip lock bag of candy all stuffed at my feet in the kayak.  Exercise makes blood sugar go low, so I wanted to keep it on the higher side so that it could go lower without killing me, right?  But also high blood sugar makes a person feel like crap, and I wanted to be able to not feel like crap.  In the end, I did not die, but damn, it is a pain in the ass to have to think of all that stuff!

My natural kayaking ability was fantastic but it turns out I do not have natural Getting Out Of The Kayak ability.  We came to our parking spot, or whatever it is called when you make your kayak get stuck on a cement thing so you can get out of it.  I got my kayak stuck like I was supposed to, but I could not get out.  I managed to move my legs so they were dangling over the side, and I was basically a beached whale at that point.  Except I wasn’t beached, I was kayaked.  Jenna tried her darndest to get me out of that thing, but when it came down to it, I had to roll out of it in a really, really ungraceful way that left me on my knees up to my waist in water.  Also I was wearing my uniform of jeans and tennis shoes, so after kneeling in the water, I gained 75 pounds of water weight and could barely move.

I could not move my arms for three days, but other than that, I was uninjured!  And….I really liked it!!!  I would NEVER do it in the summer, I have very specific weather conditions that I require.  In the summer there are more bugs and if one came near me while I was stuck in a kayak, that would not end well.

I also have a new Ask the Darcy assignment.

Darcy, will you help me butcher out a deer I killed on Saturday. I think it would make for very good content!

Bring it, bitch.  You give me some sharp instruments and let me near a person who killed a deer, we’ll see how that goes for you.  Complete and utter spazz mode, in which I have been known to hit and/or bite people (and myself) without knowing it, flapping, rocking, and basic lack of control of my limbs…add to that a sharp knife in my hand, and we can have some fun.

But also, I think this is from Jenna, too, and she does not kill deers.  Her eyes lit up a little too brightly when I said that I would do whatever was suggested via the Ask the Darcy button.  What Jenna does not realize is that I will be making her my guide on all of these 😉

I Went Out Of Doors Again.

Instead of going to bed because my Benedryl is kicking in and I am finally getting sleepy, I am going to write a blog about two things.  The first is about something that made me angry and the second is that I went Out of Doors again.

The ice bucket challenge.  What was the goal?  Raise awareness and money for ALS.  Did it accomplish the goal?  Why, yes it did!  I am so sick of hearing people say it is stupid to dump ice on your head because that is not going to cure anything.  OF COURSE IT WILL NOT CURE ANYTHING.  Neither does putting yourself through hell for a 3 day Breast Cancer walk and neither does a 5K for Diabetes.  The point is to get people talking about it, and MOST people who are not jerks make the video and donate money anyway.  This is proven by the fact that ALS donations have increased very significantly from last year to this year.  Criticize it all you want, it worked and did exactly what it was supposed to.  Very few people are actually saying “I choose ice over donating”.  The ice water videos are funny and fun, and so we laugh and we get to see celebrities (and who doesn’t love celebrities?) and we get to pick on friends AND we are suddenly saying the name ALS a lot more AND we are donating money to them AND we suddenly find out “Hey, my high school classmate’s dad died of this, I didn’t know that” AND this is what we call a win.  Naysayers can shove it.  I have never done a Diabetes walk because I know that I can sit on my ass right here and donate the exact same amount of money, but if someone is going to go for a walk to benefit me, more power to them.

Also, I would like to take this moment to publicly apologize to my friend Mary, whose point is that it is stupid if you choose to do the ice bucket INSTEAD of donating.  I absolutely agree with that.  I just think most of the videos are from people who donate AND do the video.  This picture is for Mary.


Dogs for Mary.

On a happier note, I unexpectedly went Out of Doors tonight when AJ and I decided to walk in the Metroparks after dinner.  We went into the woods.  It was lovely.  I was attacked by a buzzing insect.  It buzzed at me and crawled on me and AJ did not believe me, but it did that twice.  Here are a series of pictures from the attack.  That is right, there is photographic evidence.  That is because I was taking a picture of the trees before I was attacked, and while I was attacked, I was swinging my phone at the bug, and it ended up taking a bunch of pictures.


Before the attack.


In the midst of the attack.


The height of the attack.


The end of the attack.

We heard an owl hoot, and we saw two cardinals, and then I saw a deer and that made me really happy.  I talked to the deer and he came towards me and AJ ran and said I was making him cranky.  Then the deer had a friend, but they did not come near me anymore.

But look, we went into the actual woods.  REAL WOODS.  Sort of.  Mostly.


Real woods.

Here I am in the Real Woods.


This is not a selfie.