Jenna Mahan attempted to anonymously ask via the Ask the Darcy link if I would go kayaking and write a blog about it. I chatted her via our internal work chat thingy and said “Did you tell me to go kayaking?” and she said “No, but I’ll go with you.” About five minutes later I saw her in person and she could no longer uphold her lie and she admitted it was her.
Here is why I am scared of kayaking – there are things in bodies of water that might touch me, go into an orifice, stick to me, or bite me. I am NOT afraid of drowning because I can swim and also I am incredibly buoyant. You cannot sink me. I could be used as a flotation device for others.
Jenna has two kayaks, and then our friends Diana and Cliff also have two kayaks, so we all went together. We met at a park where they transport your boat devices SIX AND A HALF MILES up the Cuyahoga River, and then you kayak back down to where your car is. 6.5 miles. Weak noodle arms. I honestly thought I would end up sitting in the middle of the river and someone would have to tow my ass back. But more importantly, I thought I was going to sink the kayak. Kayaks have weight limits. I exceed the weight limit (I think) for Jenna’s kayak. The potential humiliation for sinking a kayak was second only to my fear of things in the water.
I tried to wear a life jacket but it just got in the way, so I depended on my natural buoyancy and said to hell with safety. Here is a picture of Jenna and me with my life jacket on.
We had to walk down a hill to get to the water, and the hill smelled like poop. I got into the kayak and they set me adrift and guess what? I did not sink the kayak! In fact, I am sort of a natural kayaker! I was awesome! I paddled and I steered and I avoided obstacles and I am pretty sure video games prepared me for this.
My weak noodle arms did not give out the entire time! I went over small waves and the water came into my boat and I sat in a puddle of river water. I had mild panic that something would migrate some place it aught not to and that I would get some sort of brain eating amoeba, but it is now a week later, and my brain is still in tact.
Here are Cliff, Diana and Jenna before we were in the water.
Here is a lovely view from the 6.5 mile journey.
See? It is nature. Like, trees and shit.
I could not take other pictures because phone + river = bad. I did manage to Facebook live some of it by holding my phone in my mouth while I paddled, and while the view is lovely, all you can hear is me breathing REALLY loudly.
We stopped to eat lunch (I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich) and some people, I will not mention any names, peed in the wilderness. This is something I would never do, no matter how much I had to pee. I do not even walk in grass, let alone bare my ass to it.
It seems this has become the “Poor Me, I Have Dia-bee-tus” blog, because now I am going to talk about the terror of 6.5 miles of exercise for a sedentary person and what that does to blood sugar. I had six 20 ounce bottles of Coke, my glucometer, my glucagon kit (a syringe that someone can stab me with if I am unconscious) and a huge zip lock bag of candy all stuffed at my feet in the kayak. Exercise makes blood sugar go low, so I wanted to keep it on the higher side so that it could go lower without killing me, right? But also high blood sugar makes a person feel like crap, and I wanted to be able to not feel like crap. In the end, I did not die, but damn, it is a pain in the ass to have to think of all that stuff!
My natural kayaking ability was fantastic but it turns out I do not have natural Getting Out Of The Kayak ability. We came to our parking spot, or whatever it is called when you make your kayak get stuck on a cement thing so you can get out of it. I got my kayak stuck like I was supposed to, but I could not get out. I managed to move my legs so they were dangling over the side, and I was basically a beached whale at that point. Except I wasn’t beached, I was kayaked. Jenna tried her darndest to get me out of that thing, but when it came down to it, I had to roll out of it in a really, really ungraceful way that left me on my knees up to my waist in water. Also I was wearing my uniform of jeans and tennis shoes, so after kneeling in the water, I gained 75 pounds of water weight and could barely move.
I could not move my arms for three days, but other than that, I was uninjured! And….I really liked it!!! I would NEVER do it in the summer, I have very specific weather conditions that I require. In the summer there are more bugs and if one came near me while I was stuck in a kayak, that would not end well.
I also have a new Ask the Darcy assignment.
Darcy, will you help me butcher out a deer I killed on Saturday. I think it would make for very good content!
Bring it, bitch. You give me some sharp instruments and let me near a person who killed a deer, we’ll see how that goes for you. Complete and utter spazz mode, in which I have been known to hit and/or bite people (and myself) without knowing it, flapping, rocking, and basic lack of control of my limbs…add to that a sharp knife in my hand, and we can have some fun.
But also, I think this is from Jenna, too, and she does not kill deers. Her eyes lit up a little too brightly when I said that I would do whatever was suggested via the Ask the Darcy button. What Jenna does not realize is that I will be making her my guide on all of these 😉