I’ve Had A Knack From Way Back.

Here is one of my biggest confessions.  I LONG to be skinny for a variety of reasons, but the biggest reason is because I want to be a messed up crack whore in NYC from the 90’s.  That’s right.  I want to be Mimi Marquez.  From RENT.  Oh fine, you young’uns, you’ve never heard of RENT?  Here she is, in all her glory:

Watch it.  Watch the whole thing.  The outfit.  The confidence.  The skinniness.  The hair. The mixed race beauty.  The cat references.  I wanted to be Mimi ever since I saw that damn show.  But a fat girl who is very clearly NOT from NYC, has never been a “dancer” at the Cat Scratch Club, and has never had the scars of the nevers and maybes – I was not going Out Tonight.  But I tried.  I glittered.  I sparkled.  I wore shiny things.  I had awesome hair, just not Mimi Awesome Hair.  My biggest regret (forget regret, or life is yours to miss) is that I knew I would never, ever find the blue vinyl pants.

Guess what?


They aren’t exact.  But they are for fat girls.  They had my size.  They were only 10$.  I bought them.  I have some shrugs which came from my Mimi Fashion, and I do believe I have a sparkly top I can wear.  I just need shoes.

I will be standing at the top of my stairs recreating “Out Tonight” in just about a week or so, when my box comes in the mail.  I will be a middle aged, fat, pasty white, non ethnic, short haired, clumsy Latina stripper/crack addict.  I WILL BE MIMI.  I will live my dream and no one can stop me.

I am embracing my 90’s Latina self, and I am going to ROCK THE HELL OUT OF THOSE PANTS.  I will never go out in public wearing them, but damn it, in my house, I WILL BE SEXY.  I’ll take some Tylenol PM so I can get the proper crackhead thing going, and I’ll put on my glittery make up that I am POSITIVE I still have and then I will make my pager go off and I will say “AZT break” and then what I will really take are some Tic Tacs.

I just need to find a balcony with a thing I can hang off of while I talk about my life back home where the Spanish babies cry.  I will find a bar, so dark we don’t know who we are and I will GO OUT TONIGHT.

I am 36.  I am white.  I am fat.  This is going to be fucking beautiful.