Can You Pass Darcy’s Driver Test?

I am going to an off site manager meeting thing, and I am being driven with a group of people.  In an SUV.  Driven by someone else.  To say this caused me anxiety is an understatement. Melissa, who I shall henceforth refer to as my personal driver, passed my test.  Mostly.  This is our conversation via our work chat system.

9/5/2017 11:20:57 AM
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your driving skills?  Probably pretty good, because you have kids, right?

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:43:39 AM
You are funny

9/5/2017 11:43:59 AM
After three hours in an SUV with me, see if you’re still saying that 😉

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:44:08 AM
and I wouldn’t assume that having kids makes you a good driver

9/5/2017 11:44:22 AM

9/5/2017 11:44:23 AM
Not helping

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:44:25 AM
What exactly are your concerns?

9/5/2017 11:44:43 AM
SUV’s are scary.  Other people driving = me not being in control. You might be a bad driver and kill us.

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:45:05 AM

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:45:09 AM
I drive an SUV every day

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:45:16 AM
and I think that small cars are scary

9/5/2017 11:45:16 AM
+1 point for you

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:45:35 AM
I’ve never had a ticket

9/5/2017 11:45:39 AM
+10 points

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:45:46 AM
I’ve never been in an accident

9/5/2017 11:45:52 AM
+20 points

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:46:14 AM
I prefer to drive because I hate the way other people drive and I generally feel that they aren’t paying attention

9/5/2017 11:46:23 AM
+1,000 points

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:46:51 AM
I do not consider myself an “agressive” driver, but I do drive fast.

9/5/2017 11:46:56 AM
-100 points

9/5/2017 11:47:04 AM
Do you drive fast around corners?

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:47:09 AM
I think I’m still out ahead

9/5/2017 11:47:13 AM
You are

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:47:34 AM
It would be dangerous to drive fast around corners

9/5/2017 11:47:38 AM

9/5/2017 11:47:40 AM
Ok, I approve

9/5/2017 11:47:47 AM
Thank you for that.

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:48:00 AM
I typically drive about 10mph over the speed limit

9/5/2017 11:48:19 AM
Ok, I definitely approve of you.  Thank you very much, and I will do everything I can to not behave like Sheldon does in a car.

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:48:20 AM
and I will consider it my personal mission to arrive first

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:48:29 AM

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:49:12 AM
I liked this game

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:49:15 AM
It was fun

9/5/2017 11:49:38 AM

9/5/2017 11:49:56 AM
Can I sit in front?

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:50:27 AM
I’m not sure I want you up front based on prior statements

9/5/2017 11:51:27 AM

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:53:07 AM
Do you plan to verbally criticize my driving the whole time or are you more one to hit your fake brakes?

9/5/2017 11:53:14 AM
Verbally criticize.

9/5/2017 11:53:19 AM
….I mean…

9/5/2017 11:53:25 AM
Offer suggestions in a non critical way

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:54:06 AM
That’s fine as long as you expect that I will probably tell you to shut up in a critial way

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:54:08 AM

9/5/2017 11:54:32 AM
Well, really, make statements of facts.  “That was a scary curve”.  “We almost fell off the highway”. “This SUV might tip over”

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:54:56 AM
You seem to have a real fear of tipping…

9/5/2017 11:55:01 AM
Huge fear

9/5/2017 11:55:05 AM
And falling off the highway

9/5/2017 11:56:08 AM
I can also offer statements of support, sometimes.  “We are winning”.  “You just kicked Chris’s ass”.

9/5/2017 11:56:33 AM
“You did not tip the SUV over on that curve”

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:56:46 AM
Well…  In the 25+ years that I have been driving a car, I’ve only thought there was a minor chance of rolling said car once and that was do to the sheet of ice I was driving across at very slow speeds but with no control and the ditch on the side of the road.

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:57:21 AM
I don’t believe the same situation will present itself this week

9/5/2017 11:57:37 AM
I feel confident that it will not.

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 11:58:03 AM
and I will TOTALLY kick Chris’s ass

9/5/2017 11:59:15 AM
How much will it make people lose all respect for me if I wear a helmet?

Melissa Ing 9/5/2017 12:00:15 PM
You are not getting into my car wearing a helmet

9/5/2017 12:00:27 PM
It was worth asking.