Root Vegetables And Music Written About Me.

A user asked, via the Ask the Darcy link:

Darcy, what do you think about root vegetables?

I am going to answer this without looking up what root vegetables are.  I am 99% certain that a potato is a root vegetable, and I freaking love potatoes.  I think carrots might be.  Maybe.  I’m not entirely sure about that.  I eat carrots.  Squash?  I’m thinking squash is not.  I like butternut squash.  Along those same lines, pumpkins.  Pumpkins have roots, right?  Wait a second, maybe it means roots grow off of them, like those weird things that grow off of potatoes.  Pumpkins don’t have that.  Things grow off of carrots, sort of.  I grew a carrot in my backyard once.  Literally one carrot.  And it never grew to a full sized carrot.  It grew in the ground, does that make it a root?  My lack of knowledge about this is alarming.  I am now going to Google “root vegetables”  This did not help.  I was right about carrots, though. I am fairly certain I do not like anything else on that list.  I can not identify most of the things on that list.  So I think root vegetables are confusing and weird, and they have weird names and I would never want to eat something called a tuber because that reminds me of  bobotuber pus from Harry Potter, and ew.

On to music written about me.  I just realized on my way home in the car that I have had a lifelong dream of someone dedicating a song to me.  Not like, on the radio.  Just taking a song and saying “This reminds me so much of you”.   No one has ever done that, so I do it myself.  I hear Alanis Morissette sing Wunderkind and I think “She is reading my soul, she KNOWS ME”.  I hear Jason Mraz sing “I Won’t Give Up” and I think “This was written about my dedication to AJ, Jason Mraz KNOWS ME.”  Eponine singing “On My Own”?  Eponine KNOWS ME, damn it.  These songs were CLEARLY written with me in mind.  Another Alanis song – “Everything”.  THAT IS SO ME.  Never mind the fact that 9 million other people are out there saying the same thing.  Oh Lord, especially with R.E.M.  THEY KNOW EVERY THOUGHT I HAVE EVER HAD AND THEY UNDERSTAND ME.  But really, my dream in life has always been for someone to say “Hey, have you heard Wunderkind, because it totally makes me think of you and your whimsical and childlike, yet wise and noble spirit”.

This obsession with believing songs were about me started when I was very young.  This song was written for me, I knew it was.  The Smurfs wanted me to sleep tight.  They knew I liked the stars and kitties, so they mention them in the song.  And there was a song I can not find anywhere and the lyrics were “the only place we want to be there’s so much here for us to see in Smurfing Land” and if anyone can find it and post a link, I will love you forever.

I am self absorbed.  Not selfish, but self absorbed.  I have been told this by many people and I am well aware of it.  I do not watch Eponine on stage singing about her horrible life and how Marius will never notice her, I immediately think about myself and how it applies to ME.  It does not actually apply to me in any way, but when I am being angsty right along with Eponine, it is ME I feel bad for, not the character whose life actually sucks.

“Belong” by R.E.M.  7th grade.  I rewound my cassette tape (uggggghhhh) and replayed that song over and over and over and over and I wallowed in how it was MY world that collapsed early one Sunday morning and the creatures jumped the barricade, and it was ME who was headed for the sea, the sea.  It SPOKE TO ME.  Therefore, it was written for me.  “The Wrong Child” by R.E.M.  Ok, this one probably was written about me, actually.  It was my newfound friend I whispered to, that I have never been outside, and I never will.  I wasn’t supposed to be like this, but it’s ok.  I am using song lyrics and not putting them in quotes and that is why my sentences are weird, just in case you are not familiar with R.E.M.

I have myself thoroughly convinced that Pixar has a secret spy following me around and they are creating characters off of me.  Dory from Finding Nemo and Dug from Up, specifically.  I named my cat Squishy YEARS before Dory said “I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine.  And he shall be my Squishy”.  5 people saw that movie before me, all separately, and they all said “There is a fish JUST LIKE YOU in this movie”.  Combine Dory and Dug and you get a Darcy.  Everyone says “Oh, I am JUST LIKE *insert character here*”, but you know what, you aren’t.  You may think you are, but you just aren’t.  Whereas *I* actually AM.  See??  Do you SEE the self absorbed nature that oozes out of my brain?

I have my own species, so I happen to know there are no other replicas of me on earth, but occasionally there will be someone who has a bit of my species in them and it freaks me out.  It is rare.  And it is never exact.  When I hatched from my egg, I am pretty sure the rest of my species ran away or, more likely, got lost.  There is one person who belongs to my species, but I must keep her identity a secret, and that person is a Thundercat and she is also of the Advanced Elders of my species, which just means she is 8 million times smarter than I am, but all the rest is the same.  That was an inside hint so that person knows who I am talking about and the rest of you do not. IT IS A SECRET!  Someday I will write a post about my species and my egg hatching, maybe.

Now I am going to post on Facebook and demand that people dedicate songs, or at least a few lyrics, to me.