Honey, You Are Nowhere NEAR New York.

About two weeks ago my coworker Matt said “We’re going to the Westminster dog show” and I jokingly said “If I wear a purple shirt, can I show up and pet all the dogs?”  (Purple is our color)  Matt said “We have an extra ticket, if you want to go.”  By “we” I mean the place where I work.  There is a part of the show where there are booths set up for each breed and you can go and pet every single dog.  That is the part I am going to.  The rest of the time I will be stalking theater tickets.

That was all I needed.  In two weeks I planned a trip to NYC, and of course, I could NOT just go for the weekend, I had to make it a week.  I bought a ticket for the show Disaster! on Thursday, so I have to get to NYC by 7pm on Thursday.  It is generally a 7 hour drive from my house to NYC.  To be on the safe side, since it is winter, after all, I figured I should allow 10 hours to drive.  I do not wake up that early.

My brilliant plan was to leave Wednesday night, drive at least 4 hours, and stay in a hotel so that I could wake up at a normal hour (11am) and just meander my way in to the city.

I said a long goodbye to my cat, taught my mom how to FaceTime on my iPad so that I can talk to him while I am gone, and packed up Hamster Car and left.

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My mom packed me a special bag so that if my blood sugar goes low I will have rescue items.  I think that is adorable.  What is even better is the bag she used.  I am fairly certain she has had this since my parents got married.

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Here is what was in it:

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What you see is a Thermos of orange juice, graham crackers, Pop Tarts, peanut butter, and my vitamins and a few prescriptions.  Oh, and the stuff I use to make flavored water.  I love this.

I set out ready for the road, listening to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.  I drove for three hours.  And because of snow, I ended up at 11:30pm, less than an hour and a half away from my house.  I am at a hotel in Pennsylvania, wayyyyyy closer to Ohio than New York.

I came in and said “I was supposed to drive halfway to New York tonight” and the lady said “Honey, you are nowhere NEAR New York.”

Here are some of the reasons I did not get very far despite three hours spent in the car:

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You might notice that it is not actually snowing.  There was no snow falling from the sky.  It is on the ground, and even then, not in an impressive amount.  Pennsylvania just could not be bothered to plow it, so no one could drive.  You see how there are tracks that you could follow?  I followed those.  When I took this picture, the person behind me was blinking his lights and honking at me because I was driving 20 miles an hour.  This will be a puzzle for you to solve – please look at the picture and tell the asswipe SUV behind me exactly WHY I could not go any faster.  He did not seem to realize that a Hamster Car cannot just drive over a semi truck.

So anyway, I asked Male Australian Siri where the nearest hotel was, and he told me, and I got off the highway and chose the hotel that was nearest to the hospital signs that I saw, because this is me.  There is every chance I will need that hospital in the next 18 hours.  I might as well be within walking distance.

The only place with food open was the 24 hour McDonald’s.  Believe it or not, I do not eat fast food.  I eat a LOT, I just do not eat fast food.  But I got McDonald’s and sat in my hotel that has two beds, and I decided the one bed could be The Bed On Which I Eat McDonald’s and the other bed will be the Bed On Which I Sleep.

Before I even entered the room, of course, I checked for bed bugs.  This is imperative.  My fear of bed bugs is equal to my fear of lava and earthquakes.

I made the TV go on and it told me that Tropic Thunder would be on at 1am.  Given that I drank a Venti Iced Vanilla Latte in anticipation of driving until 1am, I am awake and looking forward to that.  I love Tropic Thunder.  While I am waiting for Tropic Thunder there is a show about Boko Haram and it confirmed my theory that men should live on an island by themselves.  But now it is about messing around with genetics to create designer babies and I do not know how it went from one subject to the next.

Also I want to be eating more food, because I eat at night, and I have no snacks.  I cannot eat my low blood sugar snacks because then my blood sugar will go low and I will be without snacks.

I am going to try to post in “real time” my NYC blogs so that I do not leave anything out.  That probably will not actually happen, but we will see.  Oh, and I forgot my scarf.  And I do not have a winter jacket.  I do have gloves, though.  And new shoes because my old ones had holes in them.  Ok and I am a horrible person – I mean, seriously, I have shame for posting this, but I sometimes think midgets are funny.  OMG.  That is so wrong.  You are not allowed to say that.  But look – this one hotel room accommodates Little People.  It is only one room, but that is better than none?

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I Have Some Concerns.

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That is me at the White House.  I called upon President Obama to present to him the ideas of Dartopia, and he agreed it is a fantastic idea and said for me to go ahead with it.

What happens to the animals in NY where 7 feet of snow was dumped?  Are they all buried in the snow?  Were they able to dig themselves out?  Did they suffocate under the weight of the snow?  Are raccoon and squirrel and bunny nests and dens filled in with snow and they cannot get out?  Are kitties frozen under the piles of snow?  What about animals at zoos?  When the snow melts are they going to find millions of dead animal bodies, or were the animals all able to save themselves?

That is one of my concerns.  Here is another.

Sinkholes.  My friend Jewel says not to worry about sinkholes, but oh, I do worry.  They happen with no warning, just all of a sudden your entire house is 60 feet underground.  Is there a way to tell if a sinkhole is going to happen in my area?  Are there sinkhole free locations?  I do not want to get sucked into the earth and buried alive.  One of my biggest fears is being buried alive.  I hyperventilated at the Broadway show Aida because the two main people get buried alive at the end.  I could not breathe.  What if I die but I am not really dead and I get put in the People Burner to get cremated and I wake up and I am on fire?  That is a legitimate possibility.  Oh wait, I went from sinkholes to cremation, those are not related.  Do you know why they are not related?  Because when you get sucked into a sinkhole THEY CANNOT FIND YOUR BODY SO IT CANNOT BE CREMATED.

I also have concerns, as usual, about crazy terrorist people.  I am scared of them and I do not know why they have to keep beheading people.  That is horrible.  Why do people keep going to them to get beheaded?  What are they doing there?

I am also concerned because of the last 8 or so showers I have taken, 6 of those times there has been a really big spider waiting for me.  It is a different spider every time because I kill them with various implements each time.  This last time it was my razor.

This is a concern that I have had for a long time but I have never mentioned it.  I am concerned that I am going to die alone.  Not just die alone, but grow old alone.  Not that I want to get married, I just mean alone that I do not want kids, so I will not have kids to take care of me when I have Alzheimer’s and I am blind and possibly missing all my limbs, and I do not have a husband to do that, nor do I want one.  In theory my parents will die before me, which will leave me all alone in my house which means I could drop over dead and it might be days before anyone would know and what would my cat do?  And I am concerned because long term use of Klonopin increases the chance for Alzheimer’s by 50%.  But without Klonopin, these concerns are magnified by 8 million.

I am also concerned that I will run out of money when I am very old.  What happens then?  What do people who run out of money do?  It is highly unlikely I could get a job at age 80, and of course, I will be living by myself so no one will be able to give me any money, and then I will not be able to buy my various medications and then I will die.

Those are my concerns.  If you have any solutions, please tell me.  Thank you.