Sweet Dreams Are Made Of Peas.

I do not know the words to that song.  I know sweet dreams are made of something, I just do not know what.  I like peas, and it fits, so that is the new song.

I have very vivid and very emotionally intense dreams.  Not just every once in awhile, but every single night.  I have written about a dream once before, and I prefaced it with this same thing – I hate when people tell me about their dreams.  I understand that it was a very significant thing for you, but there is no way to convey that to someone who was not in your brain at the time.  I mean, unless it was a dream that predicted something, then that is just cool.

Anyway, here is the thing about my dreams.  They fall into one of a few categories.  I am going to try to distill the main points and not drone on about the details of my thematic dreams.

The Dead Pet/Dead Friend Dreams and Variations

–I think Sabrina Von Squishy is dead, but really she is not, and I find her too late and she is dying and I cannot save her

–I think Harry the Bunny is dead, but really he is not, and I find him too late and he is dying and I cannot save him

–I know that Catharine is staying at her parent’s house, but I cannot remember how to get a hold of her and eventually, I think she is dead, but really, she is still at her parent’s house.  Once I remember how to get a hold of her, it is too late and she is dying and I cannot save her. 

The AJ Dreams

–I run into AJ in a random place and he is with someone else, no one I know.  He demonstrates to this other person how he trained me, and I fall back into the trap of being tricked by him.

–I go to AJ’s house like (used to be) normal, and it is distorted in a “fun house” way, and I find AJ and he is laughing and telling me all the things he lied about, which in real life was everything, and in the dream is everything plus the fact that I was on a live feed and an audience was watching the entire thing.

–I go to AJ’s house and he is not there, but his mom is (his mom died several years ago).  I have had this dream three times, and each time, she and I had a very intimate conversation and it ended with her asking me to basically save AJ in terms of his soul and religion.  It is always left with an understanding that she knows it probably will not happen, but she still has hope.

More Catharine Dreams

–This part really happened, but is necessary background for the dream – one day I found Catharine in the laundry room of our apartment, crying uncontrollably because she was so depressed she could not function.  This episode (again, in real life) led to her going home to her parent’s and spending some time there.  I have weird holes in my memory – she could have been at her parent’s for a week, or three months, I have no concept of the time.  In the dream, that all happens, but Catharine leaves for years and never comes back to the apartment.  Similar to the other Catharine dream, I try to text her, but I cannot remember her phone number.

–I am on dialysis – this is a Catharine dream because she was on dialysis most of her life and it was a big part of how we functioned – dealing with her being “chained” to her bedroom 12 hours a day, or when she did dialysis in the hospital, I would go with her and read Harry Potter out loud to her while they drained her blood and put it back in.  So I often have dreams that I am on dialysis and that the fluid goes into my peritoneal thing, but I cannot get it out, and I am uncomfortable and bloated.

The Worst Possible Dream Ever

–This happened recently.  It is the worst ever thing that could have been dreamed.  My Catharine dreams centered around losing her, but were never malicious or mean – it was always just loss.  The AJ dreams are all based on him being manipulative and creating lies.  I finally had a dream where AJ’s personalty invaded Catharine, and it was Catharine who was lying and taunting me and laughing at me.

AJ invaded the untouchable memory of Catharine.  She was never mean and never tricked me or lied to me in real life or in a dream, and AJ’s dream person invaded her and made her do bad things.

So that is my subconscious right there.  It is all pretty straight forward, Catharine died and I found her and on December 21st it will be ten years and I still remember and feel it as intensely as if it were last week.  The same with Sabrina’s death.  And Harry the Bunny.  So all those dreams are focused on trying to save them, and failing.  That makes sense.

The AJ dreams make sense because the breaking point was when I found out he had a whole secret life filled with lies, and I had, many times, asked him “Do you have a secret life” and “I can tell you are lying about something” and he said no, no lies and no secret life.  The basis of us being able to be friends was that he would be nice to me, and that he would not lie.  That was all I asked.  I did not want details about anything, he did not have to check in with me or get approval from me, just do not lie to me.  So here he was, lying about lying.  That is what finally broke me.  His argument was “I’m allowed to have a private life”, and that is true, but that does not mean lying.  When you tell someone that you realize you have severely damaged them by lying for 6 years, and you promise not to lie again, and then you lie, you do not get the same kind of “private life” a normal person gets.  I do not care about details, I do not care who you are doing the nasty with, or how many different people, or how some of them have boyfriends.  I do not need those details.  All I needed was “Yes, I have a secret life right now, and yes, there are things I am hiding”.  Acknowledge that you are lying, do not lie about lying.  So all of my AJ dreams are based on intense lying because I am still so mad he had the gall to try to defend himself.

I do not have an explanation for the AJ Mom dreams but the most recent one came within a few days of me thinking I want to be a nun again.  I mean, not that I was a nun and I am going to be a nun again, I mean to say that I thought about being a nun for a long time and now I am thinking about it again.  But not really because I know it is not realistic.

I think maybe I want chocolate and peanut butter.

Here is a picture of a fat cat who was at a store we buy squirrel peanuts from.

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This is a picture of Mr. Meow Meow.  I fell asleep and woke up to him sitting on my chest with his mousey toy.

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Sociopath Series Part IV.

Ok, I guess I didn’t make it without another one.

For your reference, here is Part I, Part II and Part III.

Someone mentioned to me something about AJ the other day, and it made me angry and resentful again.  It is not something I dwell on 100% of the time anymore – more like 70% of the time.  Possibly even 60%.  It is usually a passing thought, but when this person mentioned AJ, I got really angry.  At first I thought I was angry because he seems to be having some success in life – I have absolutely no idea if that is true or in what way it might be true, it was literally a fleeting statement that AJ had to “travel to film something”.  That came up because I am still missing AJ’s cats and I am still assuming (and probably correctly) that he leaves them alone often.  I said to this person that I have that fear of the cats being left alone a lot.  THAT came up because I recently read a post on a pet website that said you absolutely should not leave your cats alone for more than 24 hours because something can happen that, if someone was there, could be fixed, but if the cat is alone for more than a day, could kill them.  Like, they can get a blockage which you can catch and fix, but if they go 48 hours without someone noticing it (or without someone there to see it) it could cause them to die a slow and painful death.  So I was worried about AJ’s cats because my assumption (and again, I am probably correct) is that he is finding ladies and staying at their apartment/house for as long as he dates them.  Or even just spending a few nights with them.  Either way, I think it is safe to assume his cats are alone for extended periods of time.

NONE of that is the point.  I THOUGHT I was mad that he might be having success, but I am not mad, I don’t wish for anything bad to happen to him at all, and it would be fine with me if he were happy and successful.  I wouldn’t say “he deserves it” because he doesn’t, but he has gone most of his life being unhappy and not having personal success at anything, so I would not be opposed to that happening for him.  It took me a long time to figure it out, but I am angry because I still expect him to be remorseful for what he did, and I know he isn’t at all.  He doesn’t have a conscience, he doesn’t have the ability to feel remorseful.  He knows to say he’s sorry and that he feels terrible, but that doesn’t mean anything to him.  I want him to feel the depth of what he’s done and feel remorse.  THAT is why I got angry.

If I significantly messed up someone’s life for a long period of time and literally changed their core personality by my actions, I could not live with myself for the guilt.  I would spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to them.  But then, I am not the type to mess up someone’s life.  I guess if you are the type to do that, you are NOT the type to feel horrible about it.  I just logicked myself out of something.

Anyway…in my rage and anger, I did not want to post a blog or on FB about it because people have been hearing a lot about it.  So I started looking at the Post Secret community message boards.  I thought, hey, anonymous posting and maybe someone will say something to make me feel better.  In part of my post I said that there is “obviously” something about me that “allowed” all this to happen.  This is the response someone posted, and I think it is so insightful and well written that I am stealing it and posting it here.  I don’t know who posted it because it is an anonymous community, but here is what they wrote:

it’s called grooming.

and what you first noticed wasn’t him being a full-blown sociopath, what you first noticed was small, just a little social flaw that everyone can have. So you can shrug it off, or maybe you even bring it up. You talk to them about whats ok and not and boundaries and respect. And everything is fine. And then something else happens, something small. Now you have been together for a while longer, so bringing it up feels awkward, you had such a good talk last time and you know he isn’t usually like that, and besides, who would love you like him? Then it starts being more commonplace, every other day might find you with an unwelcome surprise, but you hardly notice the small flaw that you first reacted to. And he says hes sorry, and he kisses you and shows you he loves you and why shouldn’t you believe in that?

and then one day you wake up and realize he lies about everything, and you are ashamed. Ashamed for being fooled, ashamed that you have been so led astray, ashamed that you could fall for such a class act. And it hurts and you are also ashamed that you didn’t see all this before now and still as the shame burns you your heart betrays you.

but it is an unequal equation. YOU are reacting as a human being, HE is not.

 

That is such an accurate way of saying it (and in far fewer words than I use!).

About the “grooming”.  Here is the definition of grooming in terms of abusive relationships:

Grooming is the predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior.

 

When AJ was going to sex offender classes, even though he is NOT a sex offender (part of his probation was that he had to go), part of the class was learning about “grooming”.  He had to come up with what he did to groom his victim (the 15 year old girl he had an extended relationship with).  The problem was, his victim was a willing participant who actually made the first moves and advances, he didn’t even need to do any grooming.  I was involved in a lot of the grooming discussions because it was so hard to apply it to his situation.  At the time, this was still early enough in our relationship that I thought this one cheating offense was a one time thing, I did not even recognize the “grooming” of me.  It never occurred to me that it applied to me.  It totally did, I was absolutely groomed, but I didn’t even recognize it while it was staring me in the face.  And that is sort of the point of “grooming”, the victim doesn’t know it is happening…apparently even if they are helping a groomer to look for signs of grooming.

So my new realization is that I do not hate AJ, I do not want bad things to happen to him, I just want him to truly feel remorse for what he did and like, become a priest devoted to God and serving the poor to make up for his actions.  Something utterly unselfish to say “I am a new person and I want to make up for my selfishness”.  And yet again, one of the major themes through our relationship is that he would always tell me how awful he felt when he did something, and how he’ll never do it again and how great I am and how he loves me and wants me to stay in his life….but his actions never once matched his words.  I will have to put away that vision of him becoming a priest.

This Post Is About A Lot Of Things.

There are Amish men building a new roof next door and it is extremely loud, but because I have superior sleeping powers, I slept through most of it.  Now that I am trying to watch tv, though, it is much more annoying.  Because I cannot hear the tv, you see.  So this tells me, Darcy, you should not watch tv, it is a lovely day and you should go for a walk.  So obviously, I am writing a blog post.

I am mostly over my Sociopath Series.  Mostly I just miss AJ’s cats a lot.  I do not have confidence that they are being given proper attention.  I know that he would never hurt them, but I do know that he would willingly leave them alone for most of the time to pursue a female person, and I do know that he never, ever stops pursuing female people.  So I fear they are sad and alone and I have no way of knowing if they are happy.  This next part is really, really weird, even for me – but also, AJ was the voice of Sabrina.  You know how you make your pets talk?  Well AJ was Sabrina’s voice.  He wasn’t always, before I knew him, but when he gained control of that aspect of my life and renamed her Smurf, he also became her voice.  But it was funny and cute, so it was ok.  After Sabrina died (this is the part that is weird even for me) it was a great comfort to me to make AJ talk in her voice, and to have “Sabrina” tell me she loves me and is ok.  I took it very seriously.  Knowing I will never hear Sabrina’s voice again has been causing me grief.  And then I realized that Sabrina’s Facebook page “liked” AJ’s actor page.  I felt like my own cat was betraying me from beyond the grave, and I could not remember her log in information.  AJ also posted as her, even though I set up the account.  He posted funny things and it would make me tremendously happy when I would be at my house, and he would be at his, and all of a sudden my cat would post something on my FB page (this was when she was alive).  I did not want Sabrina to “like” AJ’s actor page after the things he put me through, so of course, I panicked and completely freaked out.  Then a very lovely and kind young man who knows a lot about computers (and makes me realize how much I do NOT know) told me how to get back into Sabrina’s page and all is right with the world.  I do wish I could hear Sabrina’s voice again, though.

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In other news, it turns out that even though I am riddled with anxiety about every single thing in the world, and I spend 99% of my time thinking about animals who are suffering, biological warfare, terrorists, fire, etc, etc, I am actually one of the most calm people you could ever meet.  I found this out at work.  I have suspected it for some time, but my suspicions were confirmed when I was in a conference room with my supervisor and our reactions to the exact same thing were him jumping  up and down and saying “balls” and my reaction was “Ok, that’s fine”.  He was not freaking out, he was being super funny, but the core of our reactions was there – I was totally fine with anything thrown at me and it did not phase me in the least, and he….was phased (though completely able to take care of and fix anything that comes along).   I have a feeling people think I actually do not care because I do not get stressed out at work.  I DO care, I am just realistic.  We have 300 things to do and only 3 people available to do it?  Ok, we will all just work our asses off, do what we can, and that is the best that can happen.  It is something I can attempt to fix, but not control.  Now if the situation were that one person (or everyone) was completely slacking and not doing their job, I WOULD be stressed and I would take action to fix it, but there is no one like that where I work.  I know that people are doing everything they can, so I figure, why stress out about that when there is nothing I can do about it when I can be spending my time having anxiety attacks at the thought that I might someday have to fly in an airplane in the winter, or that there are animals without homes, or that I might get Ebola, or that those Isis people are bat shit crazy and want to behead us all, or that I might have to go to the grocery store and I HATE the grocery store, or that I might get kidnapped?  THOSE are worthy of my fear and anxiety!  I am…help me out with the word.  An oxymoron?  An anomaly?  A living breathing contradiction?  I am not sure, but all I know is that work does not stress me out in the least and I love it there.  I mean, really…Henry sticks his tongue out at stress.

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I am going to NYC and seeing Alan Cumming in Cabaret from amazingly awesome seats, and I will also be seeing the Goddess Idina Menzel and the adorable Anthony Rapp in If/Then and I WAS going to see The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime BUT I read that the point of the play is to have the audience experience Christopher’s sensory overload issues and thankyouverymuch I experience that quite enough on my own and do not need to be trapped in a theater having it forced upon me.  I am also going to have coffee with several people.  I have had my first Coffee Date, but I cannot decide if I want to make a physical scrapbook of my Coffee Dates, or if I want to make a section on my website for it.  So more to come on that, try to contain your excitement until I figure it out.

Oh and also in NYC, I will absolutely be stage door stalking the following people, whether or not I see the production they are in:  Alan Cumming, Idina Menzel, Anthony Rapp, Rupert Grint.  If I get a picture with Ron Weasley, I could probably die and be happy that I have accomplished everything I could have hoped for in my life.  If it is anything like the stage door when I saw Daniel Radcliffe in How to Succeed in Business, though, I may have to continue throughout life without that picture.

I am listening to a podcast by Librivox of Anne of Green Gables and it is very well read and all the voices are great except….Anne’s friend Diana Berry is read by like, an 82 year old woman.  It is the most off-putting thing ever.  I am not saying she is read by an adult trying to sound like a kid, I am saying that it is read by an elderly adult making no attempt to sound like a kid.  When Anne is talking to her about school and boys, and an 82 year old woman answers, it is just…really unsettling.

Meow Meow is sitting in the bay window watching leaves come down and it is super cute.  His little head follows them on their journey down to the ground.  Oh and also I got a squirrel to eat a peanut out of my hand and I pet him.  Here is Meow Meow watching a leaf:

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I left that one big because I like the colors in it.

I COOKED SOMETHING.  I made chicken in the crock pot and Jocelyn told me how to make it and I will now tell you, dear readers, how to make it and it is delicious.   You take the chicken, all raw and nasty and gross – oh but it should be boneless skinless chicken breasts, not like, actual nasty gross parts.  I did six of them.  So you put them in the crock pot and then dump Hidden Valley Ranch powder on them, and also you dump McCormick’s Chicken Gravy Powder on top of it and then you put a stick of butter on top of it and then I put it on low for 6 hours and it was the most tremendously amazing chicken I have ever consumed in my life.  Ever.  It does not actually make gravy which is good because I do not eat gravy, it just makes it have flavor.  Normally I am opposed to flavor of any kind, but in this case, it was very good.

The fish at work are bigger and they had babies again (they ate the first babies) and hopefully these babies will stick around.  I get to give them fish treats twice a week and basically it is a cube of frozen Sea Monkeys and I pour hot water on them to melt them (they do not come alive, they are still dead), and then I pour cold water in so I am not dumping hot water into the fish tank, and then I dump it in and the fish go crazy.  They also get brighter, which is very neat to see.  I do not have a picture of the fish to post.

Do you live in New York or Pennsylvania?  My NYC trip is November 7th – whenever I decide to come back (5-6 days), so I can galavant around that whole area and have coffee with you if you live in those states.