I Met 011 From Stranger Things.

Well hello.

It’s been awhile.

I have not written anything because I hate Donald Trump so much that I was afraid anything I write would be a flaming, rage filled hate post and I would not be able to ever post happy things again.  It has taken me this long to get to the point where I can do my normal “write without editing” and be fairly confident it will not turn into me spewing hatred towards #45.

I went to the Cleveland Wizard World Comic Con.  I did not originally plan to go, but a few days before the weekend it was here, my friend posted on Facebook that she was selling her weekend pass, so I thought I would see who was going to be there.  I checked several times prior to the actual weekend of the event and no one I was interested in was going to be there.  This time when I checked, there was Dean Cain, Cordelia and Xander from Buffy, and 011 from Stranger Things.

If you look at this post, you’ll see my friend Sabrina the Human and her interactions with Dean Cain.  Well.  When I saw he was going to be in Cleveland, I purchased a photo op because this would be her chance to seduce and marry him.  Yes, she has a boyfriend, but….Dean Cain.

Dean Cain

And who doesn’t love Buffy?  I love Buffy.  The morning of the photo op with them, though, I pulled a major Darcy.  Every once in awhile I get this thing, and I kind of panic, and then I kind of can’t leave my bed.  It is weird.  My constant state is anxiety, but this is me lying in bed staring at the wall, unable to move, even though famous people are waiting to let me stand next to them for five seconds for an ungodly amount of money.  Sabrina the Human took my place.

Buffy

I finally got my shit together and got there JUST ON TIME to…wait in line for 1.5 hours to get my picture taken with Millie Bobby Brown from Stranger Things.  There were many people in line.  Many.  I finally got into the “picture tent” and they were just pushing people through like cattle, and for every picture, 011 didn’t even look at the person next to her, but she did a completely different face and pose with each person….it’s just that the person with her had no idea what she was going to do, so they just stood next to her while she posed.  When I got next to her, I said “What face are we making?” and she said “This one” and went all cute and girly.  It is time to review a few things about me.

  1. I am not cute and girly
  2. I am short and stubby
  3. I have deformed wrists
  4. I have several chins

Keeping those things in mind, here is the picture that happened.

011

Let us now analyze the picture.

The hand.  That is the extent to which I can bend my wrist.

The shoulder/body.  It is large and in charge.

The neck.  There are no defining lines whatsoever.

The chin.  What chin?

The lips.  Just…what?? What was I even doing?

I look like a Jewish or Italian grandma trying to get someone to eat more food.

Can I even make a cutesy kissy face, when I am not under the pressure of having to do it while standing next to a tiny person with a cute accent who has a lot more money than I do?  Let’s see, shall we?

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The answer is no.

David Duchovny, Why Don’t You Love Me?

Well it has been awhile, yes?  Yes.  You see, it’s like this – I could not use my hands for a long time.  My wrists were SO BAD, so very, very painfully bad, that I could not pick up my cat.  I pick up my cat a lot, and generally I pick up as many other cats as possible, so you know it is bad if I am not picking up cats.  I went to my orthopedic surgeon and I said “My wrists hurt a lot and I cannot do anything anymore” and he said “Yay, we shall do surgery!” and so I had surgery.  But wait – the point of that was that my wrists were so bad that not only could I not pick up cats but I also refrained from typing.

Before the surgery they said “You will think you are asleep but you will not technically be asleep, and you will not remember anything.”  That was a false statement.  I did not think I was asleep and I remember everything, including me saying “You guys know I am not asleep, right?  Is that ok?  I hear everything you are saying.”  The response was “I’ve already cut into your wrist, so I think it’s fine.”  Another thing I said was “I went to a Halloween party at my friend’s house and her cousin had a potato masher in his shorts.”  I never explained why that was his costume or what significance it had, I just announced that statement and left it.   It got a lot of laughs, so maybe I did not have to explain it for it to be funny.  For the record, he was Lamar Odom.  He was wearing a basketball outfit and had little bags of coke and the potato masher was….representative of his relationship with the prostitutes.  There was a handle.  It probably worked better in person than in my description.

I met David Duchovny.  I also met A.D. Walter Skinner (Mitch Pileggi), Spike (James Marsters), Dean Cain, Sean Patrick Flannery, Jewel Staite and Adam Baldwin.  I brought my Scully and Mulder action figures and Assistant Director Walter Skinner took them and waved them at David Duchovny and then bit Mulder’s head.  Then he kissed Scully.  He was all kinds of fun and I want him to be my friend.

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David Duchovny laughed at the action figures and I asked if he would hold one for our picture together that I paid a lot of money for and he asked me which one he should hold.  So all of the words David Duchovny said to me were “Hi!” (when I rushed at him and said DAVID DUCHOVNY) and “Oh wow” (when I waved the action figures at him) and “Yes, which one should I hold?” (to which I responded “You get Scully, I’ll take Mulder”).  I am going to have those words tattooed on me sometime soon (not really).  It would be pretty fantastic if I had “Yes, which one should I hold” tattooed on my boobs.  OMG.  I said that.

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I did not know who Sean Patrick Flannery is until I realized he was Powder.  Powder is one of my all time favorite movies.  He is more well known for other things, but I told him I love Powder and he seemed to sincerely be happy that I knew he was in Powder and that I loved it.  He is extremely funny and a total spazz and it was really, really fun to just stand in line waiting to get a picture with him and watch him.  He called someone’s significant other and left them a voicemail as his character from Boondock Saints (which I have not seen).  He also dipped Sabrina the Human for their picture which she paid a lot of money for.  She did not expect him to do it with no warning, and after he pulled her back up he said “You looked scared shitless!  You’re like ‘this mother fucker is gonna drop me’.”

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Adam Baldwin was intimidating because he is ginormous.  Huge.  Just, absolutely
gigantic.  He must be 8 feet tall and have muscles the size of small children.  I did not know he is crazy, but apparently he is crazy.  If I had known that I would have been more scared of him than I was.  Jewel Staite was the exact opposite of her character on Firefly.  She was not mean…but she was not overly friendly.  It was surprising.   I mean, I paid to take a selfie with her at her table, and I walked up to her and she was very pregnant and I said “Oh, stay sitting, you don’t have to get up” and she said “I didn’t plan to”.   Her assistant noticed Sabrina the Human’s earrings.  So here is how that went down:

Assistant:  I love your earrings.
Sabrina the Human:  Thank you.
Darcy:  THEY ARE HANSON EARRINGS.
Assistant:  I know, that’s why I like them.
Darcy:  HOW DID YOU KNOW?  SHE MAKES THEM AND CAN SELL THEM TO YOU.
Sabrina the Human and the Assistant then talk while I stand 2 feet away from Jewel Staite.
Darcy:  I think I just pimped out my friend to your assistant.
Jewel Staite:  *silence*
Darcy:  So are you having a nice weekend?
Jewel Staite:  Yes, thank you.
*silence*
Darcy:  Are you all uncomfortable and stuff?  (she was pregnant)
Jewel Staite:  No.
*silence*

I mean, she smiled?  So that’s a thing that is nice to do.  Not for the picture.  It is more of a grimace in the picture.

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Then I paid a lot of money to get a picture with Jewel Staite and Adam Baldwin together because Firefly.  Had I known they are not nearly as fun as their characters, I would have opted for the picture with David Duchovny and A.D. Walter Skinner (Mitch Pileggi) together.  I mean, I really have no idea why I did not do that in the first place.  Well, I do know why – the Firefly duo was half the price of the X-Files duo.  I walked up to them and that was when I became dumbfounded by the largeness of Adam Baldwin, so I stood there for the picture, looking like I ran into a photo shoot that I did not expect to be in, and then I turned to go towards the door and was standing face to face (face to chest) with Adam Baldwin.  At that exact moment, the photographer said something, and that caused me to lose all sense of where I was and what I was doing.  After a full 10 seconds of staring blankly at him (up at him), I said “Oh, she wasn’t talking to me, was she?”  He said “No, honey, you are allowed to go now.”

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Dean Cain is the nicest person on earth.  He hugged Sabrina the Human for their picture and then when it was done the photographer said something to indicate it was over and Dean Cain said “But this is so comfy”.  So Sabrina the Human is comfy.  Oh and then we stalked him at his table and he hugged her again and shook my hand and I had my wrist wrapped and he asked what happened and I told him I have deformed wrist bones and he told me I should come up with a better story.

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Spike had a deformed tomato on his table and I asked if it was there so he could just sit there and eat a tomato and he said a fan gave it to him from her garden and there was a slight pause in which I think we all silently acknowledged that it is strange to give Spike a tomato from your garden.

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The coolest part about all of this was these people just walked around like normal humans.  Spike walked past us with no handler or anything.  David Duchovny had a handler, but he still Walked Among the People to get where he was going – I mean, he didn’t like, teleport or levitate there, which is what I would have assumed he would do.  Sean Patrick Flannery walked by and commented on our French fries.

I probably should have mentioned that this all happened at Wizard World Comic Con in Pittsburgh.

Also, the title of this blog is in reference to this: