The Rules of Dartopia

These are the rules for when I am the dictator of the world.

The following is the post that started Dartopia, and after that are rules that have been added at various points.  There will be more, too.

This is the closest you will ever see me come to writing something political.  I hate politics.  I generally do not like conflict or disagreement, so political discussion is something I avoid at all costs.  I will go so far as to completely change the subject if people start talking about politics.

I also avoid hearing about politics, or watching the news.  I have been told I’m stupid/ignorant/whatever for doing that, but there are a couple reasons.  One is that no one will EVER agree.  EVER.  There will constantly be arguments and why would I want to get involved in something that literally will never have a conclusion or solution?  If there is a problem, my first thought is “How do we fix this?” and then I fix it.  That is not how politics work.  I like to know how things end.  I don’t read a book and stop 50 pages from the end, I read all the way so I can find out what the conclusion is.  Second, if I watch the news, they tell me scary things and then I obsess about it.  My sanity is worth more than being aware of world events (most of which are very scary).

Having said that, I can NOT believe the things that have been going on at/towards women. It’s like we are suddenly in the 1940′s.  It’s very Mad Men but without hot men or any entertainment value.  There are so many examples, but I’m going to talk about the one where the woman was banned from speaking because she said a particular word referring to the female anatomy.  I am not going to write that word because I don’t want someone typing it in to Google looking for something else entirely and ending up here!  Anyway, some Republican responded by saying how horrible offensive that was, and how he would NEVER say that word in mixed company.  If you are in mixed company, I can pretty much guarantee that the “mix” will know what that word means and be grown up enough to realize it’s a body part, not some curse word.  I wonder what he calls Breast Cancer?  Or Ovarian Cancer?  Is that too lewd to talk about, too?  Or for that matter, Prostate Cancer.  I mean, these are legit words, for pete’s sake!

And then there’s the obvious point of them making legislation about what women can or can’t do with their own bodies, and yet, we aren’t allowed to refer to those body parts.  I’m preaching to the choir, I realize, but it’s the most astounding thing.  Like I said, I don’t do politics, it is all stupid to me, but this isn’t just stupid, it’s alarmingly weird.

This leads us to me being dictator.  It will happen some day, mark my words.  To prepare you for this eventuality, I have compiled a list of rules that will exist in my society, and everyone will have to follow them.  Welcome to Dartopia.

1.  Don’t be mean.  If you are mean, I will put you on an island where you will not have Starbucks, the Internet or shoes.  This means you’ll be bored, craving fancy coffee, and things will bite at your feet.  Also, there will be other mean people on this island, so you’ll constantly feel bad.


2.  Share.  If you are playing with something and another person wants to play too, you let them.


3.  Don’t take things from other people.  If you do, you’ll go to another island (not the same as #1) and I’ll give you something really, really cool – and then someone will take it away from you and you won’t get it back.  This will happen continuously until you understand that it sucks to have things taken from you.


4.  Smile.  That’s right, you have to smile.  Not all the time, but mostly, people should smile at each other, or wave enthusiastically, or offer some other kind of gesture when they see each other.


5.  Don’t cheat.  If you are playing a game, working, in a relationship or whatever, don’t cheat.  If you do cheat, you get sent to island #3 where people will do nothing but lie to you all day and you will never know what is the truth and what is not, because that’s how you made other people feel.


6.  If you hurt an animal on purpose, you get no second chance.  You will be subjected to the same treatment you gave the animal in question.  If you kicked an animal, you will be kicked, but not just once, because if you kicked an animal once, I am sure you have kicked an animal multiple times.  So you’ll be allowed to go about your daily business, but at any moment, and you won’t know it’s coming, you are going to get kicked upside the head.  If you left an animal in a cage and didn’t treat him right, guess what?  You are going to live in a cage now.  There will be no mercy for people who hurt animals.


7.  I will be duplicated, because we will have that technology, so that every city in the world has a Darcy.  This means there will be no need for judges, lawyers or police.  Every Darcy will make the same decisions, and every person who breaks a rule will see the Darcy directly to be dealt with.  There WILL be a police force of sorts, but they will not carry weapons.  I just need people out there who will enforce my rules.  The police force will be trained in every method of getting someone restrained without the use of weapons.


8.  No violence and no weapons.  Sorry, NRA people.  I know you have a right to bear arms, but not in Dartopia.  If you are violent, because some people are just violent by nature, there is an island for you.   There won’t even be sharp things in Dartopia.  We will open our UPS packages with our clever wits, not a knife.  Maybe we will just redesign UPS boxes.


9.  I’m just going to go ahead and drug the water supply.  You’ll all be getting a fairly high dose of some sedatives and some anti-depressants.  It’ll be ok, really.  I’ll probably need to drug the food supply, too, for those of you who don’t like water.


10.  No secrets.  In addition to the drugged water supply, I’ll be putting some truth serum type drugs somewhere else – maybe it will be dispersed in the air so everyone is breathing it in at all times.  That way, no one can lie and everyone has to tell the truth at all times.  This will alleviate many problems.


11.  Things that are scary are not allowed to be created.  We won’t need things like nukes or Kamikaze pilots because they are scary, so they won’t be allowed.  Plus, we will all be nonviolent and telling the truth, so violence is going to be completely unnecessary.  But scary things like getting wisdom teeth pulled or driving too fast around a corner will not exist.


12.  Magic will exist.  That’s all there is to it.  I know there are people out there who can do things, and they are just going to have to share their knowledge with the rest of us.  Hogwarts will exist, Narnia will exist, Green Gables will exist – except without all the conflict that has happened in those places.


13.  Last but not least, everyone will have to spend an hour a day doing something nice for someone/something else.  You can spend time with your elderly neighbor, you can clean your street, you can do whatever you want as long as it is for someone else.  Then everyone will realize that when they do something selfless, they actually become happier themselves.

The next one was added because schools spend 2 years teaching kids how to read a map in terms of “one inch equals 100 miles” or a tree means forest, but they don’t teach where things are or who lives there and what they do.  I think they really need to cut the map section a little shorter and focus on world geography a lot more.  Because while I can now read a map and tell you approximately how far France is from Egypt, I could probably not point out Egypt on a map and hit the correct box.  There’s a lot of boxes in Africa, and I am 99% sure I would pick the wrong one.  I think most people would, actually.  So – less time learning that a teepee symbol means there is shelter in that location, and more time learning where the hell things are and what they do there.  ”This is a country that wants to kill us”, “This is a country that has oil and also wants to kill us”, “This is a country where you can find any drug you want…and they want to kill us”, etc.

In Dartopia, there will be a very strict curriculum with very high standards, and everyone would have to go through school again to be educated under MY system.  I don’t care if you are 80, you are redoing 4th grade.  I am going to have to think this over and come up with Dartopia Schooling.

This one came from my fury over “Women’s Rights” or “Gay Rights”, etc.

In Dartopia, if you think you need to separate “rights” into further categories, you will be put on an island where everyone around you has a great life and works at the jobs they want and marries the people they want and you will not be allowed to do any of those things.  You will be paid less, not allowed to marry anyone, and you, along with all the other “Rights Separators” will have access to one single public bathroom.  And it will be a Port O Potty.  You will only have access to housing that the rest of the people on the island don’t want.  In fact, I will build a ghetto section on the island just for Rights Separators.  Everyone else will live in nice houses.  Once you’ve learned that it sucks to separate things based on ANYTHING, you can be reincorporated into society.

Here’s one that came as a result of things that make me irrationally angry.

So my advice to the world is keep your clothes on, never interrupt me, and destroy all Fine Young Cannibal CDs.  Oooh, I think I just came up with another rule for Dartopia.  I have to work on that.

This one came from my empathy for animals and my guilt over eating meat.

Another rule for Dartopia – no roadkill allowed.  Humans can’t kill animals, even to eat.  Sure, I can put away an entire rotisserie chicken like it’s nobody’s business, but I will do without gnawing on an entire chicken and force people to figure out how to make something EXACTLY like a chicken, but not out of an actual chicken.  I’m sure they can do that now, forget MorningStar and Bocca Burgers.  There is fake chicken out there somewhere that is exactly like a real chicken and they are holding back on us.  Once I’m dictator, they’ll have to start mass producing these fake chickens because if they don’t, they will go to an island where they will live with millions of chickens but they are only allowed to eat salad.  And the chickens will be allowed to peck them whenever they want. Whenever the chickens want, that is – not whenever the People Withholding the Delicious Fake Chickens want.

This came from my hatred for the use of “that moment when…”

In Dartopia there will be an island for people who say/write “That moment when…” and they will ONLY be allowed to speak using that phrase for the rest of their lives.  That means they will only hear other people speaking using that phrase, and they WILL ALL GO INSANE AND REALIZE HOW STUPID IT IS.  Then they will regret ever having said it.

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